Not that "gay Batman'' isn't redundant. We've had our suspicions about the Dark Knight's proclivities since the heyday of Fredric Wertham. The latest iteration keeps Robin locked away in Batman's closet (who do you think is, ahem, redecorating Wayne Manor?) and Katie Holmes isn't around doing beard duty this time. But you'd have be in pretty deep denial not to pick up on the homoerotic hints. "You complete me,'' the Joker coos to the Dark Knight. ...

Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne does a lot of eyelash batting at his gushing new BFF Harvey ("you sure know how to throw a party!'') Dent, even teasing Harvey about his after-hours activities: "ballet?'' (Somewhere, Adam West is smiling). Why is the mayor of Gotham City wearing so much eyeliner? And who are we kidding, aren't Alfred and Lucius clearly a pair of old queens fussing over dressing up their leather-clad protege? Holy Aunt Harriet! Mamma Mia! is no less gay, but at least it's more or less out and proud. What do you think?

We think you're full of shit, actually, but we appreciate the effort! Next up: Space Chimps as homoerotic experimentation fantasy. Discuss! Or... not.

• Which is Gayer, 'Dark Knight' or 'Mamma Mia!' ? It's Pretty Close [NYP]

• My Life on the D-List [BravoTV.com]

Anyone on the SONY lot up for a mid afternoon Jerk? (Culver City)

Stuck here on the lot. Anyone here know somewhere to get together, unzip, pull out our cocks and jerk out a load?

need to cum bad

Could this be the same "preppy and athletic" Sony lot horndog of several years ago, who demanded a headshot and resumé before meeting to rub one out? There's only one way to find out, fellas. And while we wish, per the query, that we could recommend a darkened nook behind some Spider-Man soundstage lending itself to such rendezvous, unfortunately, we have no knowledge of anything currently shooting on the lot beyond a junior exec and FedEx guy in the Thalberg Building men's room. Good luck, you star-crossed tossers!

• Anyone on the SONY lot up for a mid afternoon Jerk? (Culver City) [Craigslist]

Which divorced comic superstar is exploring a groovy new real-life persona: that of an openly gay man?

Our various theories after the jump!

Our first inclination was to assume it was Larry David, who fits squarely into the category of "divorced comic superstar," and who, let's face it, just seems a lot less tortured lately and entirely too preoccupied with the new Madonna album. But then there's that word: "groovy." It really seems out of place, suggesting to us it's some sort of clue or tip-off. Then it struck us like a lightning bolt: Eddie Murphy once had a radio hit with "Party all the Time," a groovy jam with groovy lyrics like "She lets her hair down/she lets her body down: She lets her body/she lets her body down." Congratulations, Eddie Murphy, on your new life as an openly gay divorced comedy superstar!

• Side Dish [NY Daily News]

Images from gay weddings, said Lorri L. Jean, chief executive of the Los Angeles Gay and Lesbian Center, could be used by opponents in a campaign designed to persuade California voters that gays and lesbians should not have the right to marry. Those getting married, she cautioned, should never lose sight of what they might be supplying to the other side.

Sitting close to his husband-to-be in the audience, hairstylist Kendall Hamilton nodded and said he knew just what she meant. No "guys showing up in gowns," he said.

While we can perhaps understand where they are coming from—the moment photos of Craig and Dirk's S&M-Themed Weddingstravangaza, replete with a black-leather-rose bouquet and cockring- and lube-filled gift bags, hit the interwebs, the bad guys will have all the ammunition they need—we hardly think this is the time to piss all over the gay wedding parade. Now, come on: Grab a handful of basmati and get into the same-sex spousal spirit! We're here! We're queer! We're married! We're getting used to it!

• Gay couples are emphasizing low-key weddings [LAT]

“The videotape that is currently being circulated is several years old and captures Shia playing a game among friends in which he uses a derogatory word toward a friend,” LaBeouf’s rep tells me exclusively.

“He regrets having used the word in any capacity and is very embarrassed that this footage is being seen by anyone.”

While we appreciate the sentiment, we suspect GLAAD won't be fully satisfied until the young male role model tapes a public service announcement underscoring the ability of ugly words to inflict a pain as severe as "what my Indiana Jones character Mutt Williams felt as he was thwacked numerous times in the genitals by a variety of barbed, bulbous jungle plants."

• Shia LaBeouf "Embarrassed" by Antigay Slur [eonline.com]

New York City Opera has commissioned Charles Wuorinen to compose an opera based on Annie Proulx's short story "Brokeback Mountain," which was adapted into the 2005 film.

Slated to premiere in the 2013 spring season, the work will be Pulitzer-winning composer Wuorinen's second commission for City Opera, following the 2004 premiere of "Haroun and the Sea of Stories," based on the Salman Rushdie novel.

While five years seems practically an eternity to wait for Jack Twist's angelic tenor and Ennis del Mar's more dominant baritone to serenade us with such masterful arias as, "You Know I Ain't Queer (Me Neither)," "You Need to Shut Your Slop-Bucket Mouths, You Hear Me?," and "Up On Brokeback Mountain," we'd remind you that great art is always a time-consuming process. It will all be worth it when we're finally seated in the audience on the night of the work's world premiere, experiencing the full fury of a 300-person choir singing the "Carmina Burana"-esque climax accompanying Ennis's fateful first "taking" of Jack in their hillside pup-tent.

• 'Brokeback Mountain' takes to stage [Variety]

Following on the heels of their game-changing field report, "Stars' Gay Marriage Possible Career Suicide," the electronic news outlet now goes even deeper undercover to unmask "H'wood's Bisexual Double Standard: Hot for Girls, Gross for Guys"—a blistering, for-your-Pulitzer-consideration exposé that should ultimately allay your darkest, A Shot At Love with Andy Dick-greenlighting fears.

• Bisexual in Hollywood: Hot for Girls, Gross For Guys [ABC News]

They were working out in a running club and he couldn't take his eyes off Altman, who had a "lean, tightly muscled" body, the 71-year-old actor told AP Radio in an interview.

Takei said he asked Altman to help him train for a marathon, they fell in love, and now they've been living together for 21 years.

Altman said he proposed by getting down on one knee in their kitchen while Takei was eating a sandwich after seeing on TV that the California Supreme Court had legalized same-sex marriage. It surprised Takei, who thought he would be the one who popped the question.

They bought each other turquoise and silver wedding rings.

Takei and Altman plan to marry Sept. 14 in the Democracy Forum at the Japanese National Museum in Los Angeles.

Walter Koenig, who played Chekov in "Star Trek," will be the best man and Nichelle Nichols, who played Uhura, will be the matron of honor. Castmate Leonard Nimoy will be among the 200 guests, but probably not William Shatner. Takei has said Shatner didn't treat him and most of the cast very well.

As happy as this news is, it saddens us that Shatner can't drum up for his co-star's wedding the same kinds of enthusiasm he musters for his heterosexual pursuits, and boldly join Takei on his journey to where no man-loving-man (who doesn't hail from Massachusetts and certain Benolux countries) has gone before.

• George Takei and Partner Plan to Wed in September [ABCNews.com/AP]

As you may recall, Leno made an ass out of the ass that he already is by forcing Ryan Phillippe to demonstrate his "gayest face" during Ryan's March appearance, leading to apology after ineffective apology. But at the Abbey tonight, Leno will join Katherine Heigl's gay boyfriend T.R. Knight and a whole host of same-sex couplets as they wed and rally in support of the Gays' Best Year Ever. Our minds are already being blown just imagining what on Earth Leno will wear. Will he pull a Rudy and attend in full-out Monroe drag? Pull a different kind of Rudy and don fishnets and a silk codpiece? Or will he stand firm and make absolutely sure his flyover state fans don't confuse him for one of those people and show up in his Eagle-friendly manly motorcycle ensemble of denim button-down, denim jeans and well-worn cowboy boots? More importantly, will Sexiest Vegetarian Kevin be his date? Yes, our mind has officially been blown.

• JAY LENO SAYS 'I DO' IN SUPPORT OF GAY MARRIAGE [E! Online]

According to a source close to the family, Lohan is afraid this news might jeopardize future exclusives, which is bad news because she needs the cash. [...]

Lohan does not have any significant work lined up and is aware that her star has fallen considerably, said the friend. “She can’t believe Britney Spears got so much attention for ‘How I Met Your Mother’ and no one cared that (Lohan) was on ‘Ugly Betty.’ "

It's been a while since we've consulted Pia Zadora's little-known industry handbook, The Shock-Starlet Almanac: How To Maneuver the Ups and Downs of a Life in the Camera's Eye, but we're pretty sure there was a chapter in there detailing what to do once your celebrity tabloid payday opportunities start drying up: Retreating for a decades-long journey of personal growth, and all the while doing one's best not to be fined for inciting racial hatred in pursuit of slaughtered cattle's rights.

• Lohan may be ready and willing to dish for cash [MSNBC.com]

• WATCH VIDEO

It's not like we didn't see this coming, although even the most cynical of marketplace buyers probably wouldn't have guessed the accompanying snapshots might be the biggest pick-up of the festival. And really, is this tame glint of intimacy any more suggestive than the hickeys, cohabitation, cattiness and mutual shopping excursions of their recent, torrid past?

Whatever. Hey, look! Another glowing Che review from Salon's Andrew O— What? You want... Oh, for Christ's sake. Fine. Just this once, though:

Here are a few fantastic round-ups of aQuentin Tarantino lecture from the other day. We admit we've always had a soft spot for his cockiness, his divisiveness, his... What? OK, OK — but this is the last one! We mean it!

Ahem. So. The Variety review of Charlie Kaufman's directing debut Synedoche, New York is about as cautiously optimistic as critic Todd McCarthy gets, at once praising its ambition while pointing out its certain doom among buyers, viewers and history alike:

Like an anxious artist afraid he may not get another chance, Charlie Kaufman tries to Say It All in his directorial debut, Synecdoche, New York. A wildly ambitious and gravely serious contemplation of life, love, art, human decay and death, the film bears Kaufman's scripting fingerprints in its structural trickery and multi-plane storytelling. ... On the most superficial level, many viewers will be nauseated by the many explicit manifestations of physical malfunction, bodily fluids, bleeding and deterioration. A larger issue will be the film's developing spin into realms that can most charitably be described as ambiguous and more derisively will be regarded as obscuritanist and incomprehensible.

"Obscuritanist," Todd? Really? We liked it so much better when we could just read from afar without feeling like it's our turn in a Scrabble game. Anyway, one of these films from the last week of dispatches will claim this year's Palme D'Or on Saturday; we'll bring you the news when it happens, assuming it immediately precedes or follows another torrid, yachtside lesbian encounter. Otherwise? It can wait.

• Looks Like Lindsay Lohan is a Lesbian, Kissing Samantha Ronson [Egotastic]

Asked to address the "big, gay, veil-wearing elephant in the room," McCain calmly explained his position on the matter—that while civil unions were acceptable, the sacrament of marriage should still remain the exclusive domain of twitchy, war-gaga torture-survivors and the opioid-popping women who love them. DeGeneres found his stance unacceptable, comparing it to segregationist policies of the South. We stand in solidarity: Let us now throw off the shackles of 5,000 years of heterosexual oppression and greet the winds of change, in a brave new America where Gays can drink freely from the same champagne fountains as their breeder brothers and sisters. Can we get a "Hallelujah?"

• Ellen

He described the live-action series as labyrinthine and similar to Lost. "It's not campy either — it's not The Gayest American Hero. He just happens to be gay. It's just one of the many things he wrestles with."

Moore, a longtime Walden Media executive, was one of the passel of producers on the Narnia movies, but sounds dramatically more excited about the producer who's helping shepherd Hero along: Stan Lee. "The ultimate fanboy moment," Moore calls the first phone call from "legend" Lee. "Just to have a straight older man who's the comic-book legend of all time ... just to have him think that the next big movie is my humble little creation about the world's first gay superhero — it was just wonderful. Wonderful!"

We're excited, too, if only for another moody, marquee franchise role in the making for Shia LeBeouf. Well, that and to see what the Happy Meal tie-in looks like.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Is America's First Gay Superhero Coming to TV? [Vulture]

The ENQUIRER has learned exclusively that the Oscar winner's new love is brunette Cindy Mort, a producer and screenwriter she met on the set of her 2007 film The Brave One.

The 47-year-old star's new squeeze is the former partner of thirtysomething actress Melanie Mayron — with whom she has two children!

Meanwhile, 55-year-old Cydney Bernard is still living with Jodie but their romance is over, say sources. [...]

To complicate matters, Cindy, 51, remains friends with her ex-partner Melanie — and the two women live in separate houses on the same Los Angeles street.

Jodie plans to move into one of [Mort's] Hollywood homes full-time, and ex-Cydney will live in another, disclosed a source close to Jodie.

Confused? We'd recommend taking a cue from The L Word's opening credits, and drawing a map on a dry-erase board plotting every prop penis, French bulldog visitation, and joint Home Depot credit card application to emerge from this all-lady love-parallelogram.

• JODIE FOSTER'S NEW GIRLFRIEND [Enquirer]

The crowd—which including a wet-eyed de Rossi—instantly lept to their feet and cheered. After a rough year enduring the angry taunts of picketing writers, it's nice to see some harmony and happiness return to the Ellen set, with the only thing whipped at her face as she exits the building being handfuls of rice and blown kisses. All that's left at this point is to hammer out the event details—what is surely to be the most spectacular celebrity wedding of the year, with virtually no expense spared on the brides' custom-tailored tuxshedos and giant, Iggy-shaped ice sculptures.

• Yep, I'm Getting Married [TMZ]
• The Ellen DeGeneres Show

ROB REINER SAME SEX MARRIAGE STATEMENT

"Our nation was founded on the principle that all people are created equal. Today's decision is a huge step toward fulfilling that promise.

"Celebration is certainly called for, but the fight for equality is far from over.

"Court decisions may guarantee equality under the law, but the real struggle is for the tolerance of our fellow Americans.

"This decision by a majority-Republican court signals that it's time to put this kind of discrimination and bigotry behind us.

"Unfortunately, not everyone will hear the court's message. Already, here is a campaign being organized to overturn this decision at the ballot box. Californians must put an end to this sort of cynical and divisive politics once and for all.

"California has led our nation so many times before. I hope that once again we set an example that the nation will follow."

This concludes Meathead's statement on the California gay marriage ruling. Defamer Fun Fact: Rob Reiner is the spitting image of our Uncle Harvey, a dentist from Toronto. We're not even kidding! It's like they were separated at birth!

• Previously: We Do! [Defamer]

Correspondent: Gay men and women, as of 30 minutes ago, may now get married in california, with NO restrictions.
Defamer: When might that change?
Correspondent: If the Supreme Court of the United States overturns this.
Defamer: What are the chances of that happening?
Correspondent: This is unlikely to happen as it's a state issue, i.e., there's nothing in the state or U.S. constitution prohibiting gay marriage, so you'd have to get an amendment to one of those. That will in most likelihood not happen. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to ratify an amendment.
Defamer: Yay! Will you marry us?
Correspondent: No.
Defamer: Sad face.
Correspondent: But you can marry anyone you like now—man, or woman.
Defamer: Happy face!

• California Supreme Court overturns gay marriage ban [LAT]

• Cannes 2008 in Pictures: Day One — Movie Posters Everywhere [Cinematical]

[T]he National Inquirer [sic] magazine claims the pair have now parted ways.

A source is quoted in the publication as saying: "Jodie's break up with Cydney is shocking.

"She and Cydney have been together for so many years and have two children together - the potential fallout and legal wrangling from this could be monumental."

Assuming the Enquirer isn't wrong about this—and, let's face it, they rarely are—we must say we find the development devastating. For if two strong, glass-closeted, 40-something women with kids can't make it in this crazy world, what chance do the rest of us have? Excuse us for a moment, will you, while we seal ourselves inside our "Oh My God—We're Going To Die Alone!" Panic Room (aka the couch, with a Costco-sized Pringles tube and a DVRful of Divorce Court) until the wolves of despair journey on.

• Jodie Foster 'calls off her 14-year lesbian relationship' [DailyMail.co.uk]

• Demetri Martin heads to 'Woodstock' [Variety.com]

Reichen has just updated his My Space profile so that his headline reads, "You Shady Lying Sack of Shit. You're BEYOND Gross. What an Idiot I Have Been!"

Reichen also posted a new blog to his My Space profile entitled Dating Tips for Hollywood:

"Tuesday, April 29, 2008 — Dating Tips for Hollywood

Never believe them when they say they're in love with you.

Never believe them when they tell you where their heart is.

Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them.

Never underestimate their need for celebrity, money, and fame.

Never believe you can fix it by being true or nice.

Never EVER believe love is more important to them than anything Hollywood.

Don't date in Hollywood. Realize that for them, it's all BUSINESS."

Words to live by, though we got a little bit tripped up on dating tip #3, "Never believe them when they say they're only going to sleep with you, especially when there is a social climbing opportunity in front of them." We find this confusing on so many levels. If your companion is honest enough to admit that their only intention is to bone you—whether for social-climbing reasons or simply because they "heard from a friend of a friend of Neil Patrick Harris that you fuck like a feisty piranha"—isn't that level of forthrightness something that should be celebrated? After all, successful relationships, regardless of how short-lived, are really all about keeping avenues of communication wide open.

• OH NO! Ry-Chen Dunzo?! [trent.blogspot.com]

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

• Actor Jim Carrey dons white jeans, fake tan, and a tight T-shirt for 'gay' film role [DailyMail.co.uk]

"Taking Woodstock" centers on the colorful life of a Greenwich Village-based interior designer and part-time Catskills hotel manager who headed the Bethel, N.Y., Chamber of Commerce.

He issued the permit for the legendary 1969 concert on his neighbor Max Yasgur's farm. [...]

The project is set up at Focus Features, and will be adapted by the studio's CEO, James Schamus.

Coming on the heels of Gus Van Sant's slavish recreation of the Castro of the late-1970s in Milk, Lee's own tribute to the Greenwich Village of a decade prior suggests we are currently in the midst of a Golden Age of the Period Gay. It will all but be confirmed once Bryan Singer announces his next project: Corn Holers of 1933, an all-male musical review hearkening back to the fabulous, Busby Berkeley musicals of the Great Depression.

• Ang Lee making gay Woodstock movie [THR]

• Official Bios [Step It Up & Dance]
• STEP IT UP AND DANCE GAY PORN SCANDAL!!!! (NSFW) [theashtoncruzzoo.blogspot.com via Towleroad]

• Our Raison D'être [My Gayest Look For Jay Leno]

JC: Lets clear that up real quickly and the thing is, we don't even get to hang out that much. We are friends, absolutely, the guy is a super nice guy and he's a friend of mine but you know the only time people would usually see us together is in some type of photograph so they just assume that it's like that. You know people hang out with their best friends every day...

DJ: Well you've been with some of the hottest chicks in the world so as soon as I heard that story yesterday I was like come on. But then it was like you were in a cabana together... JC: That part is actually completely made up.

DJ: That you weren't in the cabana and he was like on all fours and you were rubbing oil all over his back. A couple of buddies hanging out, putting lotion on each other.
JC: That part of it is completely made up.

DJ: Really?
JC: I mean we weren't even at...from what I hear they say we were at the Roosevelt or something. I haven't been to the Roosevelt since the Grammys when I went and saw Mark Ronson play.

DJ: That's not what I heard, I heard you were at the Roosevelt doing yoga poses and he performed a two-finger mexican oil change on you JC.
JC: Not even close.

As we try, unsuccessfully, to wipe the image of a "two-finger Mexican oil change" from our consciousness (what does that even involve, we wonder, and do they try to upsell you to a new fanbelt and air filter?), we turn back to our high-level informant for a response, who says, "Sorry I cant make this more interesting, but I stand by it with no further comment." Conveniently coinciding with news that Crawford and Carrie Underwood are officially "dunzo," however, the rendezvous still leads us to wonder if this entire romance isn't being staged by The CW's wily marketing department in time for Gossip Girl's premiere next month. It's a theory that will all but be confirmed the first time we hear an announcer say, "This episode of Gossip Girl brought to you by Jiffy Lube: Have you had your oil changed by a two-fingered Mexican today?"

• JC Insists He's Not Gay [hollyscoop.com]

Spotted at the Roosevelt pool, Friday PM:

Pretty boy Chace Crawford darting to the bar from a private cabana. No one seemed to notice but upon further inspection, there was quite the little boys party going in the cabana—JC Chasez hiding out and Chace running around getting drinks. The two were in very different bathing suits—JC in his DG mankini and Chace in his best hetero pair of boardshorts—and later changed into a casual jeans & t-shirt look.

Before jumping to conclusions about what it means for two handsome young men to share a poolside cabana with some of their best bros, and all the mutual lotion-application that implies, we'd caution instead that nothing in this scenario should necessarily arouse any further suspicions. We're reminded of those timeless words uttered by Judah Friedlander's 30 Rock character Frank Rossitano, who, possessed by a peculiar hetero-crush on the office coffee boy, justified his increasingly desperate come-ons by explaining, "We're just two straight guys who want to enjoy each other's bodies!"

Bonus Gossip Gay Link: A male cast member will be revealed to be gay in the new season, premiering April 21. This could be the most ambitious viral marketing campaign in network history!

• Gossip Girl [The CW]

In 1993, when he was 17, Phillippe was cast in a groundbreaking role on the long-running soap, playing the first openly gay teenager on network TV—a subject way ahead-of-its-time, and that most agree was handled responsibly. Leno then proceeds to mine the comedic gold inherent in this mock-worthy topic, starting with his best, "Gee, your parents must have been thrilled" material before segueing into a tight bit in which he suggests "that camera is your gay lover...can you give me your gayest look?" Phillippe threatens to leave twice, more seriously the second time, after Leno goes on to bring up a David LaChapelle-directed Armani ad in which Ryan is—get this guys—naked! In a fashion ad! Directed by a swishy photographer-type! How fruity is that? Phillippe ends up staying, clinging all the while to a vision of Leno flying off of a cliff in one of his ZZ Top gangster cars. We truly wish he hadn't.

• The Tonight Show [NBC]

Coming out of the heterosexual closet can be a real toughie these days, considering the popularity of all those Lance Bass/Ellen Degeneres covers that outsell all the covers in the land. But we, along with Stipe, applaud Mills for his daring proclamation, and totally understand why he couldn't quite bring himself to share his straightness with the world himself. (Sarcasm aside, did anyone else nearly orgasm when Stipe giggled at the end? Girl, boy, straight, gay, that man is a dish.)

• PEOPLE VIDEO EXCLUSIVE: REM'S MICHAEL STIPE SPEAKS OUT [People.com]

"When I look back at my life, I think it has been about the search for meaning and connection," Jodie Foster tells PARADE.

[Asked] why she has not yet fallen in love, she gets irritated and explains, "Oh, my life is basically from the head up. I'm definitely not proud of that. I'm very analytical.

Foster will not address long-standing rumors about her sexual orientation or name her sons' father. When asked about her personal life, she fidgets and turns wary. "I don't think there is any good thing about fame," she asserts. "In this business, in order to care for yourself and the people you love, you have to separate your professional life from your personal life."

Sadly, it would seem whatever courage-stores inspired Foster to inch ever so gingerly outside her glass closet have now been depleted, as she's right back to her old routine of delivering ambiguous, tangential answers to direct questions about her personal life. Still, the understandably frustrated Parade editors really should have just appreciated that she was willing to sit down with them at all, and not taken the liberty of drawing their own conclusions about the cumulative effects of years of psychic compartmentalization and repression by sprawling her across their cover looking utterly straightjacket-ready.

• 'Why Didn't I Rebel More?' [Parade.com]

That the last few turbulent years of the pop star's life was a brilliantly planned and executed publicity ruse, with the singer/actress snapping back into a model of level-headed professionalism the second she gets within 15 meters of a sound stage craft services table. It's almost plausible, until that moment Spears comes barreling out of her dressing room and tosses the melted remnants of of a Double Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino Blended Crème at a camera operator she mistook for a paparazzo, before hunting down "that scene-hogging witch-lady" Alyson Hannigan with a cordless electric hair clipper.

• etonline.com

TVGuide.com: Will the revelations about David's stripper past have any impact on whether he stays on the show?

Ken Warwick: No, it won't make any difference. The truth is, we're never judgmental about what people do to earn a living. They've got to put food in people's mouths. We've had strippers on the show before. Nikki McKibbon was one in [Season] 1. We're never judgmental about people who do things like that. If it were some sort of heavy porn, then maybe we'd have to take action. But certainly not on this. [...]

TVGuide.com: Have you seen him since the news broke?
Warwick: I haven't actually seen him today but I'm not worried about it. The thing is, at the end, the public will make the decision anyway. If there's a stretch of the public that thinks, "Oh, dear, he was a male stripper, so I'm not going to vote for him," then that's the luck of the draw. If the public doesn't like him, then they'll get rid of him.

The easygoing Warwick then threw back his head with a laugh, offering, "Let me put it to you another way: Even if turned out that this guy was the starring attraction in a series of leather-themed bukake movies and instructional fisting videos, he still doesn't have a shot in hell of winning. Haven't you been watching? That David Archuleta kid has this thing all sewn up, and the scariest thing in his closet is an old Barney doll! So quit worrying your little head off about who or what Hernandez has done for money in public with no pants on. It's just needless stress, silly!" before cutting the interview short for that afternoon's dress rehearsal.

• Idol Producer: David H.'s Stripper Past "Won't Make Any Difference" [TVGuide.com]

The sketch was clearly a direct response to the recent lezzie or lezn't she? buzzings around the Juno star. But was it an actual self-outing? A brash courting of The L-Word casting people? A platonic love letter to a fiercely loyal lesbian power publicist? We know when we're being toyed with, but we'll reserve judgment until we hear Page has taken a sabbatical from her white-hot acting career to tour with Phranc as a backup singer and tambourinist.

• Saturday Night Live

And what "IFBA" lacks in the element of surprise, it makes up for in sheer sweep, as not since Northern Lights took to the studio for "Tears Are Not Enough" has such a dazzling constellation of entertainment superstars come together in song for such a worthy cause. We defy you to watch Cameron Diaz deliver that extremely obscene hand gesture, and not feel even a little bit compelled to pick up a phone and pledge your support, that our children will never see a world in which Kimmel isn't steadily giving the big one to Ben Affleck. (Or vice versa. Despite that title, Kimmel seems the bitch in this arrangement.)

• Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[C]heck out this official press transcript from the Oscars website and see how they chose to present Rudin's words:

UPDATE: The missing text has appeared!

CATEGORY: BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR SPEECH BY: SCOTT RUDIN, ETHAN COEN AND JOEL COEN FILM: "NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN"

======BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION======

Scott Rudin:
This is an unbelievable honor and a complete surprise. [...]

I want to thank my friend, Sydney Pollack, who taught me that with the responsibility — with the opportunity to make movies comes the responsibility of making them good. This for him.

======END TRANSCRIPTION======

We'd be disheartened to think that a sweet declaration of superproducerly love for Rudin's loyal partner—always available to dispose of scores of assistants who "didn't work out," no questions asked—would be deemed inappropriate content by the Academy historians. We'll therefore chalk this one up to human error, and not to a small army of Sid Ganis-led standard and practices wonks, black Sharpies at the ready should a winner's acceptance speech give off even the faintest scent of fruitiness during Hollywood's most hallowed and rigorously heterosexual awards sacrament.

UPDATE: The transcript now contains the Barlow mention:



All is right with the Gays and the Oscars!

• Oscar archivist deliberately scrubbing gays? [Good As You]
• oscars.org/transcripts

In years past, producers tried to at least go through the paces of dressing the feyer contestants up as a viable tweenbait, hoping a fedora and loose-hanging necktie would throw their gleefully incurious target audience off of the potent lavender scent. No longer, however. Between Colton "Lesbiman" Berry and Danny "The Singing Christian" Noriega, it seemed as though you couldn't manage to escape someone or thing representin' the G-A-Y on the Idol set: A wall of flames! Ryan Seacrest! That single father who sang "Moon River" and reminded us of that other band! In case you missed the signs—and if you did, we hope you're in coma—Defamer video vixen Molly McAleer has compiled some of the gaylights in one handy montage. Enjoy.

• americanidol.com