Not coincidentally, The Promotion was one of the Weinsteins' titles distributed by Third Rail Releasing, the de facto dumping arm where TWC's (often expensive) stepchildren once quietly went to die. But don't take our word for it; in perhaps the must-read Weinstein chronicle of the season, Harvey comes clean to THR's Gregg Goldstein:

In fact, the Weinstein Co. has created a new distribution label, Third Rail Releasing, to handle films like the recent Catherine Zeta-Jones vehicle Death Defying Acts. Acquired primarily for the home video market, the Weinstein Co. released it in just two theaters to fulfill contractual obligations. "We should have had Third Rail two years ago, because it's a good way of differentiating between what we really believe in, and what has been for ancillary value," Harvey said.

But if the theatrical release is, as the cliche goes, just publicity for the DVD, what does Death-Defying Acts' $5,095 (yes — four figures, one comma) gross represent for this "ancillary value"? Harvey! Baby! Listen: Nobody knows these fucking movies exist. And that ridiculous Showtime deal you made this week? Cable carriers generally only pay for movies their customers have heard of. And your analogy in the BusinessWeek profile — "We're like Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls, who won all those titles and everyone wanted them to fail"?

Oh, Harvey. We miss you already.

• The Weinstein's Shaky Second Act [BusinessWeek]

• Harvey and Bob hone their act [THR]

But we're getting ahead of ourselves: Last night, we managed to get a freshly Emmy-nominated Kathy Griffin to sit down with us just minutes before taking the Theatre St-Denis stage for that night's comedy gala. Besides taping a special greeting just for you, dear Defamer reader, she was a great sport in submitting to all our probing Kathy questions. Has she ever grappled with addiction? Is Padma Lakshmi a coddled diva? Did The Woz ever get handsy? Should Ryan Seacrest suck it? All is revealed, after the jump.

KATHY: It's so nice to meet you. I'm such a fan. [Hugs.]
DEFAMER: You are?
KATHY: Of Defamer? I read it every day. Are you kidding? I have arrived to be even slightly favorably spoken of on Defamer. Everybody e-mails me instantly. I love it. You know why? It's so clever, as opposed to being mean or shocking. I think the essays are so hysterical. I absolutely laugh out loud at that website. I think it's so good. And I always feel so famous if I'm in a PrivacyWatch. Very famous.
DEFAMER: Wow. Well that's really nice to hear, because we're huge fans of yours.
KATHY: I feel like I kind of cross over when I speak out about Scientology. Like, "Oh, good, only Defamer will support me on that." When all other heads of state turn on me.
DEFAMER: So what are your latest thoughts about it? Still a dangerous cult, or just a misunderstood community center?
KATHY: Well of course I love the Der Spiegel interview where Tom Cruise gets all indignant and says, "Would you make fun of someone's religion?" It's, like, fuck yeah, Tom. It's all on the table. The insidiousness of actually saying you can't make fun of someone's religion—it's ridiculous. Of course you can make fun of anyone's religion.
DEFAMER: And earn Emmys doing it!
KATHY: I'm a double Emmy nominee. Can you believe this shit? Can I tell you the press release that Bravo wouldn't let me do? Because they said they wanted something to put out there when I got the news today. And my official statement was, "Does this mean I can go to Lifetime and get more money like Project Runway did?" I thought that was funny, but today I heard from my publicist that Bravo won't release that. So I said somebody with a sense of humor should release it, then.
DEFAMER: Consider it released. So where were you when you found out?
KATHY: I was sleeping at the Hotel St. Paul. You think I expected it? Like I stayed up all night with my hair and makeup on? Please. I took an Ambien. You could have stabbed me in my sleep.
DEFAMER: Who told you? [Kathy's assistant and My Life on the D-List co-star] Tom?
[Tom nods.]
KATHY: Tom did tell me. It was actually a pretty Hollywood story. I got the call from Rogers and Cowens. So that's kind of A-list, that my publicist called me.
DEFAMER: You're up against Intervention, if I'm not mistaken.
KATHY: Which I would LOVE to be on. I'm trying to find just the right addiction. Right now all I have is hoarding. Like Delta Burke—she's a hoarder. But I feel that I can come up with just the right addiction, because I love the idea of all my relatives and friends coming together in one room and yelling at me together. You know, Janice Dickinson has this great story that apparently during her intervention, she was high, and she literally thought it was a party. For the entire intervention, she wasn't hearing them say, "OK, you need to get on the plane and go to rehab." And she was like, "WHOOO!!! Where we goin'? Party! Call Jagger!" I want mine to be like that, but, like, D-list, so I'm like, "WHOO! Where's Carrot Top? Where's Andy Dick? Let's goooo!"
DEFAMER: What do you anticipate will happen if you cross paths with Ryan Seacrest at this year's Emmys? He's nominated, and could even host again. So there's a good chance of that.
KATHY: Here's the deal. I'm going to shoot to kill. As you know, I have a hit out on LC from The Hills. And I feel that once I found out that that isn't illegal, then I'm now just taking hits out on several celebrities. And Ryan Seacrest is definitely in my crosshairs.
DEFAMER: He is?
KATHY: Yeah, of course.
DEFAMER: Remember the Poop On Ryan Seacrest's Walk of Fame Star Contest? A website put out a dare for people to send in photo evidence of them taking a dump on his square.
KATHY: And did they?
DEFAMER: I believe someone did.
KATHY: Ah, see, that's hilarious. I would be so thrilled if I had a star people pooped on.
DEFAMER: Why don't you have a star?
KATHY: I dunno. Gee. What a shock. Maybe for the same reason Bravo won't buy a billboard. You know why? 'Cause I'm not Padma. "Oooooooh! Padma is so wonderful. Padma Padma Padma! Ooh, she's thin and was married to Salman Rushdie." Well, I went out with Steve Wozniak. Who never had a fatwa, but still, people know him.
DEFAMER: We'll see how much Bravo loves Padma after Top Chef moves to the Food Network.
KATHY: That's my dream! To move to the Food Network. Don't say that—I want to be Paula Deen. She could buy and sell all of us.
DEFAMER: Can you cook?
KATHY: No. I just want to be Paula Deen. I'm not saying I have any talent. Paula Deen has her own airplane. How do you like that shit?
DEFAMER: You don't?
KATHY: Please. I'll see you on Southwest tomorrow. In the B group.
DEFAMER: Speaking of Woz, I think of all the Kathy Griffin storylines on Defamer, for some reason people connect to Woz the most.
KATHY: Gee, 'cause maybe they are online? I know. I was supposed to see Woz last week, and in fact the theater where I was going to perform was where I met him. The Saratoga Mountain Winery. Or as Star magazine calls it, "Saratoga, Florida." Which is, you know, his neck of the woods. But, no, we are definitely still buds.
DEFAMER: So what was the story there? Were you dating or not?
KATHY: The story was, we were frienemies.
DEFAMER: What was the "enemy" part of the equation?
KATHY: I guess we weren't frienemies, because we were never enemies. I was trying to liken myself to LC and...um...Whitney? Is Whitney on The Hills?
DEFAMER: I think LC and Audrina are the frienemies. But they hate each other now.
KATHY: Oh no! I love The Woz!
DEFAMER: Right. So there is no "enemy" part.
KATHY: Oh, okay. Well then we were...we were definitely...I'd say we were...I don't know what to call it.
DEFAMER: Did you ever make out?
KATHY: No.
DEFAMER: You never even made out?
KATHY: No. See—I can't really call it "dating."
DEFAMER: Did he put the moves on you?
KATHY: He didn't really put the moves on me. I mean, you have to ask him this. Because I am, you know, I am very protective of him and love him and I wouldn't want to say anything about him that would make him sound any less than the Wonderful Wizard of Woz that he is. Let's just say that we had much better chemistry as friends.
DEFAMER: You really do have great chemistry on the show. That Segway lesson was the cutest thing I've seen in ages.
KATHY: There's more Woz coming. I talked Bravo into doing an extra episode, so there's going to be 11 now. Because they overshoot the fuck out of the show.
DEFAMER: You guys should really have a whole spinoff with just the two of you.
KATHY: I don't even think he's aware he's on the show. He's so not in that world.
DEFAMER: The bear photoshoot was a classic.
KATHY: He didn't even know [what a bear was], or that he is a bear. I'm not even kidding. There's actually moments that didn't make the show that were really funny, where he was saying stuff like, "You know, if I fall in love with a man, I fall in love with a man. There's nothing wrong with that."
DEFAMER: Wow.
KATHY: Oh yeah. He's very forward-thinking, Woz. I mean, obviously.

WHAT'S NEW: Look, what more can we say about The Dark Knight? It's terrifically well-made, it's tracking hotter than train on fire and even Terry Gilliam backslid his way into publicizing it. All that matters anymore are the numbers: Warners is unloading this thing on more than 9,000 screens worldwide, including 4,366 in the US. That's a record, reports Variety, though word on the street is that its 152-minute running time and multiplex competition will keep it from breaking Spider-Man 3's record $151 million opening last year. We're not so sure; $145 million isn't out of the question, especially with IMAX screenings sold out literally everywhere and overflow heading into neighboring theaters.

Universal, meanwhile, has exactly the thing for the Batman-o-phobic moviegoer in Mamma Mia!, the Meryl Streep-starring adaptation of the hit ABBA stage musical. We'd rather chew off our tongues than sit through this, but that doesn't mean it couldn't turn around a nice $32 million or so as pretty much the only escape from DK fever. Also opening: Not much, really, with the all-access doc A Very British Gangster and the Kilmer/Dorff prison drama Felon bringing up the art-house rear.

THE BIG LOSER: With Meet Dave presumably a top-10 goner, Fox faces its second consecutive hurdle this week with Space Chimps. This isn't necessarily a "loser," though, looking at roughly $9 million from the families too young for the decidedly dark Knight en route to its DVD/cable future. Call us optimists, but everyone might pretty much get what they want this weekend.

THE UNDERDOG: We recommend Lou Reed's Berlin with a slight reservation: We haven't seen it. But! We did attend the concerts at which Julian Schnabel filmed Reed's live revival of his 1973 masterpiece — a feel-bad epic of drugs, domestic abuse and suicide that makes The Dark Knight look like Batman and Robin. We can vouch for the cinematic quality of the music itself, brought storming from the dead by producer Bob Ezrin and accompanied by vocalist Antony and original, astounding session guitarist Steve Wagner. It took Reed years to reclaim this form (if he did at all; it's debatable), and to catch it through Schnabel's lens, itself at the top of its craft... Well, that doesn't even seem fair.

FOR SHUT-INS: This week's new DVD's include the crackling, commendable Jason Statham heist flick The Bank Job; the Oscar-short-lister Brazilian coming-of-ager The Year My Parents Went on Vacation; the B-thriller Asylum ("From the director of Final Destination 2"!); and for you Emmy-season latecomers, the first season of Holly Hunter's TNT drama Saving Grace.

So, how's the line for Dark Knight? Are are you Team ABBA this weekend? Maybe catching up a bit on your Statham canon? We can't say we blame you. Tell us any best-kept secrets we might have missed!

Hence today's fairly seismic introduction of SnagFilms — Leonsis's own marketplace for a world that some think may have passed the documentary by. He isn't taking any chances, though, buying the film news outlet indieWIRE just in case and putting upwards of 700 feature docs under contract before today's launch. And suddenly, Leonsis's change has a whole new batch of industry careers at stake.

"Most of these films are created with a double-bottom-line in mind," Leonsis told us in a conversation today. "You want to activate discussion, and you want to activate charitable giving." He calls it "filmanthropy," and SnagFilms is intended to spur more by allowing bloggers and other Web publishers to embed full-length docs. Leonsis likens it to a theatrical model writ large, with 90 seconds of advertising per hour (sold by AOL, natch) generating revenue that Snag splits 50-50 with the filmmakers.

Except, of course, even bigger fish than Leonsis have tried and failed to monetize online video. And docs are proven box-office poison, with everyone from Oscar-winners Errol Morris and Alex Gibney to, of course, Leonsis himself, taking baths on acclaimed films in the last year. Leonsis acknowledged that despite current programming that includes Super Size Me and the Sundance hit Dig!, the majority of SnagFilms titles will come from distribution libraries on the "short end of the long tail" as well as fest-circuit faves that may not have made it into theatrical release. "We're a viable new window for a lot of films that are laying there collecting dust," he said.

Hardly music to advertisers' ears, right? Enter indieWIRE (where, full disclosure, this author interned for one grad-school semester in 2004), the influential 12-year-old Web site featuring news, blogs and social networking components for the indie film community. "While the market is going to have to develop, I do believe that some of their films ... suffer from limited availability," iW co-founder and editor-in-chief Eugene Hernandez explained to us earlier. "And by connecting those films to the causes that people care about, I think Ted has hit on something unique."

And IndieWIRE is key to that connection, averaging around 500,000 unique visits per month and hosting nearly 11,000 members on its networking site indieLOOP. Meanwhile, iW gets an unspecified bump in resources for covering a niche it has almost entirely to itself — which may or may not emphasize SnagFilms' core product. The Hollywood Reporter placed the sale at under $1 million, though, provoking concern among territorial indie circles that indieWIRE is anything but, or worse yet, that Leonsis bought a house organ for a song.

Leonsis and Hernandez reject the claim outright, though one can sense the latter has lost more than a little sleep over it. "We put 12 years into this, and we didn't build this brand to undermine the integrity developed over the years." Hernandez said. "But at the same time, [I] wanted to find a partner. We almost sold the company a few times in recent years and in every single instance, if we had done the deal we could have been compromised or the acquirer is now out of business. ... I know that people will call us on it if we fuck up."

So: Grand experiment? Genre dumping ground? Either way, for better or worse (if still not for good) the doc is in.

10. Tom Cruise, Top Gun

9. Renee Zellwegger, Chicago

8. Keira Knightley, Edge Of Love

7. Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge

6. Rupert Everett, My Best Friend's Wedding

5. Diane Keaton, Radio Days

4. Scarlett Johansson, Lost In Translation

3. Gwyneth Paltrow, Infamous

2. Zooey Deschanel, Elf

1. Heath Ledger, 10 Things I Hate About You

• Kate Hudson Joins Cast of Movie Musical Nine [People]

She is absolutely NOT banging Jimmy Kimmel. She was promoted from assistant to staff writer, and then from staff writer to head writer. Where's the controversy there? That's kinda how it works in this biz.

Also, as a matter of interest, Molly has been with her boyfriend for 3 years, and believe it or not was in Africa ministering to orphans when this story broke (that's not sarcasm, I swear). The truth is that one of Jimmy's BFFs works as a writer on the show, and Molly and another writer tried to let him go. He complained to Jimmy, got his job reinstated, and then sought a little revenge via the interwebs. The sad thing is that this is tearing Molly up.

• Previously: 'Us Weekly' Liveblogs Sarah Silverman's Post-Jimmy Kimmel-Breakup Brunch Of Despair [Defamer]

OPEN SINGERS/ACTORS CALL FOR SPIDER-MAN A NEW BROADWAY MUSICAL Directed by Julie Taymor, Music and Lyrics by Bono and The Edge of U2

WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR: Peter Parker: male, 16-20's, great Rock voice, can be nerdy with understated sex appeal, good sense of humor Mary Jane: female, 16-20's, beautiful girl next door, strong pop/rock singing voice Principal Woman: female, 25-35 years old, Amazing Rock vocals, think Sinead O'Connor with a Middle Eastern /Bulgarian/Greek/ twist. Foreign, world music types are great, foreign accents are great! All ethnicities.

JULY 28, 2008 10:00am-5pm THE KNITTING FACTORY NYC

Please prepare 16 bars of a pop/rock song that shows range. Please bring sheet music. Also a photo/resume stapled together, IF YOU HAVE ONE. IT'S COOL IF YOU DON'T! spidermancasting@gmail.com

We take their lax headshot requirements to mean that they are fully prepared to pluck a spider-in-the-rough from obscurity if they feel he's the right Peter Parker for the part. That said, there's no shortage of nerdy, understatedly sexy young men currently vying for roles on the Great White Way. Rather, it's the Bulgarian Women's Choir defectee they're hoping will fill the "Principal Woman" slot that might prove to be the bigger casting challenge. Once Bono gets a look at the available talent pool, he might ultimately have to settle for a Bashkortostanian throat singer to play villainous voodoo priestess Calypso instead.

• Previously: Spider-Man: The Musical! [Defamer]

The best part, though? According to reports (excerpted after the jump) the Weinsteins are actually paying Showtime to air their product:

[I]n an unusual twist, the indie distributor apparently will make an advance "bonus" payment of as much as $100 million to the pay cable channel.

As in other pay TV deals, Showtime would parcel out payments to the Weinsteins according to the performance of the various films at the domestic boxoffice — minus the prepayment, which is essentially a discount on the amount Showtime will owe the supplier.

Declining to discuss the financial terms of the deal, the Weinstein Co. co-chief Harvey Weinstein called the suggestion of a prepayment clause "rumor and innuendo" but added that in his opinion, the deal is "a game-changer" for his company.

The only game we see changing is Showtime's, which blew off Paramount, Lionsgate and MGM (the Weinsteins' original cable partner) demands three months ago and which, before yesterday, didn't have a theatrical output deal in place. That it achieved not only that, but got the distributor to pay for it, thus underwriting a good chunk of the original programming it needs to keep its carriers happy? That's awesome.

Granted, it's TWC — the $100 million is widely perceived as insurance against the day when Matt Blank's hotline to Harvey bounces back with an automated disconnection message. And regardless of whether or not Harvey pulls out the big '08-'09 he's planning — Gawker's analysis seems to suggest otherwise — Showtime will need more than Tarantino Oscar bait to fill its slate (its Viacom divorce partner CBS Films is good for roughly 30-40 projects in that time). But as marriages of convenience go, we've seen worse. Anyway, it's hard to resist the idea of the new Showtime as something of a mail-order bride. Best of luck to all!

• Weinstein Co. inks deal with Showtime [THR]

But the knives are out anyway, with at least one impassioned plea calling for Murphy's retirement and another damning rundown of 50 not-impressive films that had higher-grossing opening weekends than Meet Dave (which even our lowball estimate last Friday waaaay overshot). But the scope of the crash-and-burn — not to mention the relative quietude of the backlash — suggests a less-controversial denouement: Nobody cares about Eddie Murphy.

Which isn't to say Murphy is irrelevant. They're different phenomena. He's less than two years removed from his Oscar-nominated performance in Dreamgirls — a performance for which he was a 50-50 shot right up to the point when Rachel Weisz opened the envelope. And you don't need us to revive the rap that some argue kept him off the stage: A surly, studio-hating, tranny-whore-patronizing, Norbit-starring, paycheck-cashing boor. But one who, as junkie bandleader James "Thunder" Early, restored older viewers' faith in Murphy as a dynamic screen actor.

The fat suits and multiple personalities he'd adopted since Coming to America (bludgeoning the form to death in the Nutty Professor films and eventually Norbit) called greater attention to the range of his early comic work. As a throwback to Murphy's predatory live act — on TV, in concert and in movies — it was that much easier to see what culture had lost. It was even easier to see what replaced it: A crowd-pleaser for hire in an era when crowd-pleasers no longer transcend media. There can only be so many, and they can only last so long.

Considering Murphy's big-screen longevity — 26 years this December — his downturn signals anything but irrelevance. More than any recent bust by Myers or Jim Carrey, Meet Dave's disastrous showing owes less to Murphy's presence than to Fox's miscalculation of what that presence means. This is important. The half of the so-called marketing quadrants that made Norbit a hit — men and women under 25 — weren't there to see Eddie Murphy. They were there for the Trick — the concept, the execution, the ease of it all, however crude, stupid and condescending. Basically, they were there for the movie part of it. They weren't yet born when Murphy was Murphy; they didn't know any mighty had fallen, nor from how far up.

Fox counted on that perspective, however, in foisting "Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy in Meet Dave" — even if Murphy was too far gone for our liking, he had proven reliable enough for a few of the studio's recent family romps. Right? Doctor Doolittle? Right? Maybe our kids would dig it, while we barely tolerated it for their sake, and, by summer dog-days extension, for our own.

Except "our" kids don't care. They've got better things to do. And we don't care that they don't care. And we don't care that the millions of others who don't care (their numbers reflect indirectly in Meet Dave's box-office trough) don't care either. All we feel is sort of a relief at no longer having to pretend to care — no more calling for Murphy's head or lamenting his choices. That it should happen to such a household name reinforces only its novelty, not its unlikelihood; actors are forgotten and disused all the time. Eddie Murphy's indelibility is his only entitlement; he's achieved that much, Oscar losses and all.

His value, though? His very place? Gone. And this is us, shrugging.

• WATCH VIDEO

WHAT'S NEW: This is a good weekend to maybe paint the house or just drink — a lot — as Hellboy II: The Golden Army, Journey to the Center of the Earth and Meet Dave jockey for Top 5 position against holdovers Hancock and Wall-E. We admit: We walked out of Golden Army's LA Film Festival premiere, annoyed with its wisecracking self-awareness and degradation of Selma Blair — but that's just us, it seems, as director Guillermo del Toro and his magical make-believe realm of creatures and bad screenwriting have dazzled most critics and are likely to nab $40 million over the next three days. Journey, meanwhile, which places Fraser in 3-D, PG-rated peril somewhere near what looks suspiciously like the Warner Bros. lot, will be lucky to surpass Wall-E for third place around $27 million.

It's a crowded weekend for indies and art houses as well, with the documentary Oscar hopeful Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired making its "official" theatrical debut after a sub-sonic run in April. The Spencer Breslin/Cuba Gooding Jr. balding-teen dramedy Harold also opens, as does Death-Defying Acts, the Weinstein Company shelf-casualty starring Guy Pearce as Harry Houdini and Catherine Zeta-Jones as the con woman who falls for him.

THE BIG LOSER: Speaking of jilted premieres, you can reasonably take Murphy's Meet Dave no-show at face value; the spiritual heir of Norbit should still break $20 million, but if Murphy's latest multi-role hackwork doesn't stop the travesty of Beverly Hills Cop IV in its developmentally-disabled tracks, we don't know what will. Oh, who are we kidding? They'll probably start shooting on Monday, box office (and worn-out welcomes) be damned.

THE UNDERDOG: We recommend the ensemble drama Garden Party with a few reservations: filmmaker Jason Freeland's forced script could use a dialogue polish or eight; it's got more twee sound cues than a Moldy Peaches set; and if wanna-be dreams come true this fast in LA, then we should all be doing lines off each other's asses today by happy hour. That said, the low-profile cast — particularly Vinessa Shaw as a cutthroat realtor (with a past, natch), Willa Holland as a teen looking for her absentee mother or a decent job, whichever comes first, and the endlessly fascinating Patrick Fischler as a skeevy, unassuming porn photographer — does quite a bit with not a lot. And there's a bonus: The most awkwardly choreographed gay-bar dance sequence since Cruising. You heard it here first.

FOR SHUT-INS: Among this week's notable DVD releases: the gross-out psych-horror thriller The Ruins; the pig-nosed Christina Ricci rom-com Penelope; the not-eagerly awaited MTV! Award! Winner! Step Up 2: The Streets; and the masterful Dallas: The Complete Ninth Season.

So what do you think? Anything good on TV this weekend, or any books you might recommend? Or is the Eddie Murphy completist in you racing to the multiplex as we speak. Be honest — nobody is judged here! Well, sort of. Anyway, when is The Dark Knight opening again?

Most of the ladies who gave up fearing Jesus remain happily married to their Chosen Person. Stunner Elizabeth Banks married the businessman Max Handelman in 2003, and her mother not only approved of Banks’ choice, but made the chuppah herself. First Lady of Dreamworks Kate Capshaw, though still hanging on to her surname from her first marriage, made the switch for Steven Spielberg, and Anne Meara’s conversion put a quasi-end to the primary source of material for her comedy act with Jerry Stiller, “Stiller & Meara,” which used their religious differences for many a punchline. And who can forget Miss Connie Chung, whose baffling adoration of silly Maury Povich convinced the anchor to go Jew for life.

But it’s not all dradles and festivals of lights! Model/actress/bimbo Nikki Ziering went through the lengthy process for, of all people, Steve Sanders himself, Ian Ziering. But predictably, the union went bust after four short years. However, Nikki’s still Jewish! And most memorably, Liz Taylor very famously converted to Judaism to become Eddie Fisher’s second wife, only to eventually become number two of five just a few years later. But her “guts and guile” found its way into Sex And The City, inspiring Charlotte to be proud of her decision to convert for her bagel-loving Jewish baldie, and even name her fancy puppy after Liz.

[Photo credits: Getty, FilmMagic, Wireimage]

• SACHA BARON COHEN AND ISLA FISHER'S WEDDING ON HOLD [Daily Mail]

The Take:
RDJ: A fast-talking, self-absorbed Holmes with hints of deep inner-turmoil, Downey's creation will overcome a career-threatening intravenous morphine habit to become the toast of London's A-list private detective scene.
SBC: A snootier and less aware take on the erudite detective, this Holmes will always insist, despite the bafflement of his perennial sidekick Watson, that the best way to solve a particularly difficult case is to visit the local all-boys brothel for some closed-door interrogations.

The Case
RDJ: An Apparition on the Moors
SBC: The Problem of the One-Legged Beefeater

The Detective Style
RDJ: Drawing upon the obsessiveness of his reporter character in Zodiac, virtually no detail will be overlooked as Downey's detective combs the London streets and estate countryside in search of Lord Downey of Chatsworth's coldblooded killer.
SBC: The brilliant Holmes will disarm unwitting suspects by shoving a microphone in their face and a hammering them with a barrage of questions so disarmingly moronic—"So, did you kill the liveryman? Oh, I see. Well, what about...now?!"—he eventually stumbles upon an accidental confession.

The Watson
RDJ: Hoping to recapture some of their Iron Man magic, look for Terrence Howard to be approached to play filmdom's first black Watson, his soulful, mossy-green eyes welling with prideful tears after every successfully solved case.
SBC: Will Ferrell has already been announced, and with that the promise of an exciting light beer tie-in, in which the improvisational comedian looks into the camera and announces: "It's elementary. I'm horny."

The Catchphrase
RDJ: "The game is afoot!"
SBC: "Does this cloak make me look fat?"

[Photo Credit:The Satchel Pages]

• Downey Jr. set for 'Sherlock Holmes' [Variety]

The day on which the Thank God We're Working Summer TV Press Tour got its start was one of singular euphoria. ...

So thrilled were the critics with the whole still-employed/Beverly Hills/expense-account thing, they generously overlooked TV One following its first session, on racism in America, with one that kicked off with homophobic remarks made by a guy who appears to be one of the new co-hosts of TV One show Black Men Revealed.

And, hours later, they also graciously let it slide when Florence Henderson — born 1934 — slipped in a reference to herself as being part of the baby boom generation...

*GUNSHOT*

And this is one of the good items — a self-effacing glimpse into the abyss of modern culture, where ex-SAG president Ed Asner predictably wheezes on behalf of an actors strike, the Hallmark Channel cannibalizes the very bones of cable television and Ted Koppel fakes what little funk remains beneath his ever-thickening species of wig. Sign us up, seriously. How did we ever overlook the credentialing process?

We think we know, actually: Having proven its irrelevance after nobody — not readers, not viewers, nobody except perhaps the overextended networks and publishers who pay for it all, and certainly not us — even noticed when the WGA strike necessitated its cancellation last January, the TCA press tour is but a holdover of entitlement and uselessness, all but invisible, little but dead. Which is to say: Make it stop. Dogs, ponies, shows — drown them all, pocket the money, make better TV and hire back the swaths of critical dead who gave half a fuck before polishing network turds became the law of the land.

Or just call it even. We don't even care at this point as long as the publicity reach-around in TV, film, politics and pretty much any measurable media ecology makes so few people happy or even remotely intrigued. Just make it stop. Katherine Heigl doesn't need your defenses, Chandra Wilson. Olivia Munn and Kevin Pereira's "romantic tension"? Kill yourselves. Mark Cuban on day-and-date film releases for the trillionth time? He can afford to be wrong for 20 lifetimes, but beat writers fall for it year after year after year.

So, TCA press tour attendees? Hello? We love you as people, support you as peers and just want to see you happy. Really. And we know your editors will take it rough, but they'll get over it, and anyway, it's time: Put this dog down.

• That Sputtering Sound You Hear? Another Press Tour Revs Up [Washington Post]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

Just a few weeks ago, EW chose to accompany a Q&A with Angelina Jolie with a very, very close close-up of what we previously considered one of the most gorgeous faces in Hollywood. But the mag's effort to showcase Jolie the actress, rather than Jolie the pregnant actress, resulted in the very first photo to make her infamous lips look unsavory. And Scarlett Johansson suffered a similar fate on the cover of artsy mag Paste, turning her trademark chest away from the camera and posing like an effervescent candidate for the role of E.T.'s girlfriend in E.T. 2: Sex And The Extra-Terrestrial.

Maxim somehow thought Jessica Simpson looked sexiest with a frumpy 50s housewife hairdo on a cover from last year, while Vogue recently photoshopped the hell out of Gwyneth Paltrow's head, essentially decapitating her in one swift crop. Sarah Jessica Parker fell victim to the cooking and cleaning obsessives in aprons over at Good Housekeeping, reverting to her frizzy-haired, good makeup-challenged self from the early 90s.

Mariah Carey's attempt to look soft and angelic backfired on this Allure cover, where the queen diva appears washed out, completely devoid of her naturally tawny skin. Back in the heady days of Lindsay Lohan comeback covers, Maxim tricked the then-straight star out in a very cleavage-y, feisty spread, but Lohan's sullen facial expression suggest a dire need to strip off the ridiculous Victorian outfits and down the nearest bottle of perfume. And then there's poor Fergie, who apparently provided an outlet for one very miserable Cosmopolitan eyebrow plucker's rage.

[Photo credits: Go Fug Yourself, Jezebel, We Heart Angelina]

• .666 AVERAGE [NYP]

Now, however, with Chris Albrecht well into his tenure as IMG boss — and with a $250 million mandate to develop content with talent including Tiger Woods and Gisele Bundchen— the pressure is on for Forstmann to do something a little more constructive than star-fuck his way around the roster.

Conveniently, Semel seems to need a project, and IMG is as good as any. Forstmann reportedly wants $3 billion, though — an "aggressive price" by most accounts; he picked IMG up for $750 million in 2004 and may fetch a little more than twice that if Semel can sort out a deal with Dubai International Capital, a government-owned holding company that also, last November, bought 3 percent of Sony for $1.5 billion. We're all for the deal, frankly — anything that gets Semel back on the scene (though his support for Israel might be a problem in a country to which Israelis can't even travel), particularly if it results in IMG client Elizabeth Hasselbeck trenchantly interviewing Gisele atop a man-made ski slope in some desert shopping megalith. Good luck, Terry!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Dubai International Capital and ex-Yahoo chief let fly at IMG [Times Online via PaidContent]

In it, they spied a blurb for the upcoming July 13th episode in which "Haim arrives on set visibly under the influence, and Corey Feldman can only watch in horror as things progress from bad to worse." It sounded like a doozy, but the reality, which we share now in the leaked clip above, is way rougher than anything we imagined. On the set of Lost Boys: The Tribe for reshoots, Haim had a crisis of confidence and flatly refuses to leave his trailer. Questionably motivated assistant Nelle then fetches him his bag of scrips, and the audio continues to run as he can be heard rummaging through bottles, followed by coughing. The editors then deftly weave Haim's line-flubbings into a chilling monologue delivered by Susie Feldman: "That's what happens when you don't care...you never try...a single pill has ruined his life, every relationship, his career, his health, his teeth, from one pill." Yeah. While you watch that, we're going to pour ourselves a glass of beer and notice the ripples our tears make across its surface.

• The Two Coreys [A&E]

• Stars choose sides in guild brawl [Variety]

Amanda Peet: Even a Neil Simon script and eye candy provided in the form of Patrick Wilson couldn’t save Peet’s 2006 role in Barefoot In The Park from critical ridicule and a very brief run. The NY Times equated the theatergoer’s experience to watching paint dry, and said of her performance: "She's trying, really hard, to be funny and freewheeling, but it hurts.” Ouch.

Kathleen Turner: You would think no one could dare attempt to reincarnate The Graduate's Mrs. Robinson other than Nicolas Cage defamer Kathleen Turner. The husky voice, the stiff hair, the scent of desperation — all right up Turner’s alley. Sadly, the dame spent most of her off-stage time downing vodka and passing out on the theater’s bathroom floor. Watching Luke Perry fondle the elderly is painful enough — watching him fondle the elderly and unconscious? Impossible.

Denzel Washington: Denzel’s 2005 appearance as Julius Caesar wasn’t a flop per se, but, as is the case with too many of his movies, making a whole bunch of money does not a success make. Fanfare ensured the limited run filled seats, but reviews handily laid out the Unwelcome Mat for the unimpressive star on the Great White Way.

David Schwimmer: The NYT struck again, ripping to shreds Schwimmer’s attempt to erase Ross Gellar from our scarred memories by making his Broadway debut in a heavy military revival. Labeled a bland “pouty puppy,” Schwimmer didn’t let the swift exit of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial deter him from killing off The Producers opposite the wildly high-regarded vocal talents of Larry David.

Julia Roberts: When being called a “lamppost” is the highlight of your critical fallout, you know it’s time to tidy up the stage and quickly put your total failure of a Broadway debut to bed. But not Julia Roberts! “Hated” by reviewers, unable to sell tickets for half of their going rate, Roberts’ blindingly bright star power dimmed considerably for what felt like the first time after boldly starring in Three Days Of Rain.

• HARTNETT TO STAR IN 'RAIN MAN' AS THE UN-RETARDED ONE [Radar]

• WATCH VIDEO

”I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see...I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman...I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

As the war between actual working actress Olsen and reality trash-talker Pratt heats up, we dug up evidence that this battle has a much longer history than we thought. After the jump, the sordid high-school photo scandal that sparked the Olsen vs. Pratt battle years ago.

In the Us piece, Spencer throws a curveball into the mix by stating he and Mary-Kate didn't even attend the same high school, which is (not scientifically, by any means) actually evident on several "news" sites. But whether or not Olsen's quietly harsh comments about Pratt's soccer game hissy fits are slightly tarnished by this info, the two most certainly spent time socializing before Olsen hit her NYU hobo years and anyone on the planet knew who Pratt even was. After revisiting a Details profile on Spencer and his then-partner in crime Brody Jenner from last year, we noticed this plum detail: "the guy...will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party." One search through an Olsens fan site later turns up the picture in question, which looks less to us like evidence that MK is a "drunk" lush, and more like evidence that MK has always been the pruney-smiling party girl we've grown to know and love. Not to mention that Spencer, pictured upper left, has always been incredibly scary to look at. Team Olsen is where we remain.

[Photo credit: Olsen-Twins-News.com]

• SPENCER PRATT: ACTRESS MARY-KATE OLSEN IS THE LESS CUTE TWIN [Us]
• THE CREEP WHO MADE $50K BY SNAPPING MARY-KATE 'DRUNK' [Olsen-Twins-News]

WHAT'S NEW: As per tradition this June, it's another new release "duel" with an essentially foregone conclusion: The already-beloved (except among fat people and the GOP) Pixar entry Wall-E is ready to go at No. 1, with the bloody Angelina Jolie/James McAvoy destiny-caper Wanted lagging some miles behind with its R-rating. Crap-allergic audiences who stayed away from last week's openings may nudge Wall-E toward the high end of its projected $55 million opening. The same can be said of the male-skewing Wanted, which will surpass $40 million without much trouble. At least we hope so for Disney and Universal's sakes, as both films will vanish into Hancock's booze-smelling shadow in T-minus five days and counting.

Also opening: The Matthew Broderick gerund dramedy Finding Amanda; the Irish-drunks-at-a-wake comedy Red Roses and Petrol; and the 19th-century Catherine Breillat/Asia Argento clash The Last Mistress.

THE BIG LOSER: None of this weekend's new releases will underachieve that much, but The Love Guru may be the first film ever