After Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempt to assist the clueless singer/actress/professional pouter in promoting her record-breaking new single, Simpson jumps right in by noting that she first heard the song while riding home (from Church!) in Dallas with none other than Tony. Even the show's producers participated in the "Jessica Simpson Is So, So Happy! We Swear!" segment by immediately flashing to a shot of the couple looking just like every high school's Prom King and Queen posing for cheap glamour shots. Thankfully, Hasselbeck's always-impressive skill of insulting guests while disguising the low blow in complimentary clothing came through, as the co-host told Jessica that "country is where you should be." Yes, Elisabeth. If only it were another country, we'd agree with you even more.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

Until today we were really pulling for Anne. That skin so porcelain we'd rather eat lunch on it than our own dishes, those big boobs so subtly carried that we barely ever noticed she had big boobs, and her ability to charm any late night host all added up to the exact type of Hollywood starlet we can get on board with. And today's news that she'd finally washed that eurotrash outta her hair added a cherry to an already delicious sundae of a chick. But watching her awkwardly struggle to pick a sentence and go with it after over-enthusiastically waxing perfection on "the divine Miss Kate Hudson!", those normally relaxed shoulders stiffen, those big bewitching eyes rolled ever so slightly, and Hathaway's stripes were shown for the first time.

After attempting to end her rambling by quietly mentioning how much weight she lost for the role and how much skinnier and hotter she was than Kate Hudson based on frequent skirt size comparisons, Hathaway's brain returned from their short-lived vacation, as she churned out a few jokes about straight guys liking big butts. The momentarily shocked View audience resumed their giggling, Whoopi stifled a preachy speech, and chatter as light as air fluttered back through the building. We can almost hear the entire ABC building let loose a collective "Phew!" as the old Anne returned. It's moments like these when we say a little prayer for the ongoing existence of live television and all the unpredictable lapses in good manners that make life worth living.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

In the accompanying interview, Hasselbeck reveals that with age, comes a measure of wisdom and inner-peace regarding God's Bigger Plan For How You Look in a Bikini. She explains: "I finally told myself ... 'I've got some curves, I've got a bubble butt, but I don't mind, because it's what powers me forward when I run.'" It's that fiery passion—whether in espousing the basic tenants of Joseph Pilates' Contrology theory or decrying Rev. Jeremiah Wright for being a peanut-butter-and-jelly-loving Cannibal-American—that runs through just about everything she touches. In honor of Hasselbeck, then, we take a moment to celebrate all American mothers' Constitutional rights to show off their still-perky racks and improbably toned stomachs on newsstands across the country. (Joy, Barbara, and Sherri: That obviously excludes you.)

And if you are interested in weighing in on what Miss Hasselbeck's most impressive asset is, head on over to AOL to make your voice heard! For those of you looking to cast your vote for "her fertility", sorry, that isn't one of the options.

• Elisabeth Hasselbeck Bares Her Body After Baby [People]

• WATCH VIDEO

The only question is, where will Babs store the thing? One would assume she'll place it atop one of her own myriad toilets spread across the country. However, we're betting that the more likely outcome involves an eagle-eyed sanitation guy at the studio discovering the item stuffed in a garbage can, wrapped discretely in stationary with The View's letterhead. The only somewhat sweet part of this messy story is Elisabeth Hasselbeck's innocent-as-a- Bush-supporter-can-be response to the sight of the clinker: "Where do you find such a thing?" Oh, Hasselbecky. Our advice? Just wait a few hours and check the dumpster out back.

• THE VIEW [Offical Site]

When even the relatively safe haven of the Hot Topics table fails to shelter you from the pointed barbs and open-mouthed guffaws of your daytime sisterhood, we can only imagine what life in the schoolyard was like. It's early-life emotional duress such as that which provides the ideal conditions for the seeds of extreme neo-conservatism to sprout, like a cancer, in the farthest recesses of one's deeply damaged super-ego.

• The View

• Watch Video
• The View [ABC]

• The View

A witness tells Us that O'Donnell trotted out a giant photo of Hasselbeck doctored up as the devil, made a "crazy" gesture at the poster and said, "Her only f—king credit was Survivor. Come on!" [...]

"I can't fight with pregnant people. Just go have your baby and have a nice life."

O'Donnell also told the crowd that when you do a show with a group of gals, "before you know it, you've got a Jimmy Choo in your back!"

Finally, she targeted Donald Trump.

Recalls the witness, "Rosie said she'd love to break into his apartment and rub her belly all over him."

O'Donnell's visual aids bring to mind a parting gesture during her final exit from The View's studios, when a member of her entourage defaced Hasselbeck's photo with similar Satanic embellishments. It's perhaps not the classiest or most articulate way to dismantle one's opponent, though it is light years ahead of her proposed handling of the Trump affair, as breaking and entering in order to smother her nemesis with a surprise flab ambush isn't likely to bring the two squabbling parties any closer to a peaceful resolution.

• Exclusive! Rosie O'Donnell: Cruiseship attack on Hasselback [usmagazine.com]

Yesterday, Rosie's chief writer, Janette Barber, was allegedly escorted from the building after she was caught drawing moustaches on photographs of Hasselbeck that hang in the "View" studios.

The Post's Adam Buckman reports ABC confirmed in a statement only that "photographs at 'The View's' offices were defaced. Rosie O'Donnell was not in the building. ABC Legal and Human Resources are investigating the matter." Barber is an old friend of O'Donnell who worked with her years ago on "The Rosie O'Donnell Show."

It's hard to believe it's already come to this, with Rosie's "chief writer" (was the "ching chong" line Barber's, we wonder? If so, it's obvious why she keeps her around!) defacing ABC property, though thankfully being removed from the premises before she could enact the second, "Booger Bandit" phase of her guerrilla attacks on Hasselbeck's dressing room mirror. Meanwhile, an eBay auction is currently selling a portrait of the perky neocon, now mustachioed, missing a front tooth, and sporting a set of scarlet devil horns—not the original handiwork, but a potent caricature nonetheless of the villainous talk show Judas, who dared to remain silent when she should have defended O'Donnell's polar-opposite views to the rest of the world.

• SHE'S DEFACE OF ROSIE REVENGE [NY Post]
• RARE!! Elisabeth Hasselbeck artwork by Rosie O'Donnell? [eBay]