Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Abs Are Living The American Dream

Everyone's favorite daytime punching bag Elisabeth Hasselbeck has undergone an impressive physical transformation in the six months since birthing son Taylor Thomas, shedding every trace of her pregnancy weight and showing off her newly shredded, Survivor-era physique on the cover of this month's Fitness magazine. (An alternate cover, featuring The View co-host in a revealing two-piece bathing suit reading, "Mission Accomplished," was ultimately deemed to be in questionable taste, and rejected in favor of the fetching aqua design you see above.)

Elisabeth Hasselbeck On The Subtle Differences Between PB&J Sandwiches and Cannibalism

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The Tale of Barbara Walters, Miley Cyrus, And The Golden Toilet

While we certainly hope that the ladies of The View are ladylike when it comes to using the ladies' rooms at other lady celebrities' houses [Ed. Note - That's a lot of ladies!], the same can't be said for the men who man Barbara Walters' camera crew. In this clip, Walters politely told the story of how her visit to Casa Cyrus for her (barely watched) Oscar special turned into a literal shitshow, with toilets overflowing and Miley's "very nicely attractive mother" Tish bitterly hissing under her breath that she didn't mind one bit. But the icing on the shitcake is the way in which the Cyrus clan says "Thanks For Visiting, Come Again Soon!", which, in a surprising twist, does not come in the form of a Hallmark card, but rather an engraved tchotchke in the shape of a golden toilet.

Ugly Hasselbecky

In case any of you ugly ducklings out there stare at the impossibly adorable and feisty Elisabeth Hasselbeck, The View panel's hawkish contributor, and see in her an unattainably shrill ideal, fear not. She too was once a gawky pre-adolescent, smiling past the sadness through a wall of orthodontic appliances and tragically outmoded frames purchased at the short-lived Sally Jesse Raphael Optical Centers (Your Glasses—and Some Tough Love—in About An Hour!™).

Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Newborn Most Inarticulate 'View' Guest Host Since Merry Miller

Positively glowing and sporting a matching set of milk-engorged bosoms, Elisabeth Hasselbeck made her much-hooplah'd return to The View today with new baby Taylor Thomas in tow, the adorable newborn hoisting a tiny I Heart Huckabee placard that owed a major debt to the infant campaigning techniques trailblazed by The Incredible Picketing Baby. While a cautious Joy Behar noted that perhaps the hot lights, a studio audience, and the Viewmaster piping instruction into the baby's earpiece to "coo a segue into Hot Topics" might have all been a little overwhelming for a seven-week-old, a positively gushy Sherri Shepherd couldn't get enough of the new addition to their lineup, insisting Elisabeth fill her in on every last detail about the birth, including the name of her stork delivery service.

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck Enacts Her Primary Procreative Function

Watchers of The View were treated to a phone call from Elisabeth Hasselbeck, whose ever-fertile, neocon-replicating loins produced a healthy baby boy over the weekend: Taylor Thomas Hasselbeck—mom was a huge Home Improvement fan—is surely meant for great things, possessing both his father's athletic grace and his mother's superhuman ability to withstand fire-breathing co-hosts while still managing to squeeze in some point about how Iraqi women raped by international soldiers have no right to abortions.

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Rosie O'Donnell's Family Cruise Actually A Seabound Anti-Hasselbeckian Brainwashing Campaign

Rosie's Joke-Writing Henchwoman Defaces Elisabeth Hasselbeck's Photo