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Short Ends

Interrogation Expert Denise Richards Nearly Elicits Nephew's Masturbatory Confession

· It's hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other hand, there's moments like this, when Aunt Denise forces you into a conversation about her on-camera romps with Neve Campbell and the time she posed for Playboy. Awkward! [E!]
· Long-time rivals Jeffrey Wells and David Poland bury the hatchet long enough for Wells to wish Poland congratulations on getting married over the weekend. Well, sort of. [Hollywood Elsewhere]
· Either Katie Holmes and daughter Suri just got back from a Parisian bistro or they've got a big interview lined up at Foot Locker tomorrow. [ONTD]
· Videogum said it best, so we'll quote them: "Has Batman ever danced with the Batman in the pale moon light?" The answer is, unsurprisingly, yes. [Videogum]
· Adrian Grenier will surely "blank" the "blank" out of whatever club is willing to pay him $50,000 for the honors of hosting his upcoming birthday party. [Page Six]

Mother Of The Century

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ''Hot' Is Not In My Vocabulary'

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons: More »

Mother Of The Century

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'Where'd You Read That, On The Internet?!'

Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:



1) Always Take Your Children's Needs Into Consideration. Except When You're 'Bout To Get Your Party On In Vegas! As the doomed 11-year old Cody quietly requests to remain home with his friends rather than follow Dina and Ali around as they con rich gamblers like Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Heartbreakers, Dina smartly responds by laughing in his face, confessing "privately" to the entire world that her children do not have generic, boring human abilities like "choice." Thoroughly humiliated, talking back is no longer an option — job well done.

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Cads

Well-Manicured Claws Come Out In Hollywood Catfight Explosion

Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump. More »

Bad Mother Block

Denise Richards Has Integrity

Apparently Denise Richards' life of collecting alimony and contemplating posing for Playboy is so busy that she requires a full staff to function. In this week's episode of It's Complicated, she upbraids her two warring assistants about some clothes she had borrowed that were supposed to be returned but hadn't. To Denise, it's an issue of integrity. Much to our surprise, she managed to utter the word "integrity" without being struck by lightning. More »

Mother Of The Century

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'She's Gonna Grow Up And Hate Me'

As we’ve learned on our first few voyages into the Living Lohan household, where Dina Lohan knows best and familial ties do not exempt you from abiding by her all-knowing wrath, the multi-tasking Momager extraordinaire proved her managerial skills outstandingly in last night’s episode. The Other Lohan, the surfer-haired preteen brother whose dismal fate has been shoved to the side the more worried and concerned we become following rising rap star Ali’s increasingly deafening fits of rage, had his first shot at some real camera time during this episode. And despite Dina’s obvious disinterest in her son’s career prospects (that is, until he hits puberty and his marketing appeal among tweenybop girls increases exponentially), the queen of the house does find time to throw cash at the problem. Low-prioritized Cody-centric tasks include hiring a token age-equivalent friend, halfheartedly attempting to include him in yet another Ali photo spread, and feigning concern for all three moneymakers children during whiny, crocodile tear-filled cries for help aimed at Tough Love Lohan grandmatriarch, Ann Sullivan. Our picks for Dina’s three most inspiring parenting lessons from last evening’s half-hour are: More »

Mother Of The Century

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: “I Was Called Spider Legs, Carpenter’s Dream, Flat As A Board”

In our second edition of Living Lohan’s most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn’t help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali’s sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week’s tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It’s like, we can’t put our finger on how exactly she’s changed but, oh wait! Yes, she’s showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night: Invent Imaginary ‘Allergies’ To Break Tweenage Daughter From Her Nail-Polish Habit! Despite being a provably devoted fan of nail polish in all its acrylic glory, Dina found herself in one of those situations every mother does nowadays: being trapped in an SUV with a cameraman by your side as your gory makeup-loving daughter paints her own nails. Solution? Whine endlessly about your "allergy" to the stuff, as you struggle to drive with nails so polished even one of Lindsay's toy knives couldn't break 'em. More »

Fame Games

VH1 Rolls The Dice With New Unknown Actress Reality Show, But Does The 'I Wanna Be A Big Stah!' Format Work Anymore?

Here we go again! VH1 (who else?) has just greenlit Scream Queens, a reality show in which 10 unknown actresses desperate to be the next Jamie Lee Curtis or Janet Leigh will compete for a starring role in an upcoming “major” Lionsgate film. And boy are they excited — one Lionsgate rep tells THR that “discovering new talent is always exciting,” while another chimes in by teaching us that “VH1 has had a tremendous track record in launching alternative programming that captures viewers' imaginations.” Yes, yes it does! Our brains have been expanded by Viacom's ongoing carnival featuring women degrading themselves in hot tubs and music execs attempting to Make A Band, Any Band Will Do quarter after quarter. But with a reputable horror studio behind Scream Queens and the fact that scary movies have launched more than a few major careers, this one may put its You’re The One That I Want and It Factor predecessors to shame. We look back at five recent Next Big Thing reality shows in an effort to place our bets: More »

Mother Of The Century

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'I Will Rip You Up And Chew You Out'

In case you hadn’t heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan’s new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don’t forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, “they” are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night’s second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that’s right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself: More »

bad moms

E! Premieres Bad Mother Block with Denise Richards & Dina Lohan

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect. More »

short ends

Living La Vida Lohan

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

the end of ideas

The Network That Brought You 'Sunset Tan' Is Counting Down America's Most Shocking Acts of Violence

In a weirdly media-critical kind of way, it doesn't take long to connect E!'s mission of 24/7 pop culture to this Friday's ill-advised countdown entitled ... God, we can barely write it: Going Postal: 15 Most Shocking Acts of Violence. After all, the news is the longest-running reality show of all, and if OJ Simpson, Phil Spector and Co. are more famous as accused murderers than they are for their respective professional triumphs, then the celebritizing of honest-to-goodness mass murderers — not in CourtTV, true-crime style, but rather between episodes of E! News and The Soup — seems the logical next step in the ever-entertaining canon of watching real innocent people die. Right? More »

service with a smile

Playboy's 'Girls of Olive Garden' Pictorial Likely to Be Served Lukewarm, In Need of Flavoring

Having long ago abandoned The Olive Garden for the more refined culinary delights of, say, Applebee's, we've clearly missed the churning sexual undercurrents reinforcing the restaurant's starchy, salad-y, working-class appeal. But nothing gets past Kendra Wilkinson, one-third of Hugh Hefner's Girls Next Door, who infamously swears by not only the OG's quasi-Italian staples, but also the pure hormonal power of its female waitstaff. As such, Playboy is inviting the restaurant's sexiest servers to take orders in an upcoming pictorial. While we don't necessarily expect the chain's Hooters-ization to make our grandpa's 90th birthday dinner any less depressing, we heartily recommend following the jump to observe Wilkinson's classy video solicitation ("My food's getting cold, so I gotta fuckin' go") to tastefully doff those aprons. If Hef's as good a tipper as we hear, we may be filling out an application by this afternoon. More »

living lohan

Dina Lohan Decides It's High Time To Party With Her 14-Year Old ... In Vegas!

As much as we poke fun at Momager/Pimp Dina Lohan for her questionable parenting techniques and famewhore-y tactics to become just as cool and famous as her bankable daughter Lindsay, we secretly can't ignore the fact that having her as a mother might simply be loads of fun. Sure, you don't really have a role model, and you can't expect anyone to pick you up after school, but it's not like you go to school anyway! In Ali Lohan's case, you go to Las Vegas. MSNBC.com reports that Dina and Ali hit the strip to shoot scenes from their upcoming reality show Living Lohan and, from the sounds of it, had a grand ol' Britney Spears-in-garters kind of stay... More »

reality bites

E! Continues Its In-Depth Exploration Of Slut Culture With Upcoming Pam Anderson Reality Show

Pamela Anderson is planning yet another small-screen comeback, but this time she's throwing out the scripts and going the reality route. The E! network —where they hand out shows to just about anyone with a sextape (or that sleeps with the boss)— is set to debut the half-hour Pamela this summer. The tagline? "The real woman behind the famous breasts" [Ed. Note - We would've gone with "The real woman behind the fake breasts", but that's just us]. As loathsome as this sounds, it's admittedly preferable to watching Anderson attempt to act (remember Stacked?), especially if E!'s cameras where there to film Pammy's behavior at Hugh Hefner's 82nd birthday party the other night.

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oh yes, they will have their revenge

In The World Of 'Pop Fiction,' Nothing Eva Longoria-Related Is What It Seems

If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

More »

sick notes

Seacrest Calls In 'Sick' For SAG Awards, E! Forced To Scramble

Ryan Seacrest, quite possibly the hardest-working man in showbiz now that James Brown has kicked the bucket, was a last-minute no-show for last night's E! coverage of the SAG Awards Red Carpet. Though co-anchor Giuliana DePandi Rancic did mention early on in her pre-show commentary that Seacrest was out "sick," this bit of news somehow didn't make its way into the West Coast feed (East Coast viewers did see the quick explanation). We have always been fascinated by Seacrest's seemingly unparalled ability to work nine different jobs simultaneously, so we figured that he must've been REALLY sick to miss the first star-studded red carpet gala of the season. However, our initial curiosity about the situation was renewed this morning when Seacrest showed up on time at KIIS-FM this morning for his radio show. More »