Our favorite part of the clip as a whole? Letterman doesn't hesitate to a) request a closer look at Maggie's gorgeous legs, or b) attempt to hide his interest in what one does "for pain like that." We're, as always, impressed by Dave;s trademark method of wrapping perviness in a cute, toothy, smiley and lovable package.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

”Which cocaine-loving actress is said to be relying on her closeted husband to meet guys? A source says that when they were at a party recently, the hubby asked a fellow guest, ‘Do you want to bleep my wife? Because you can.’”

Sounds like a cinch, abounding with potential suspects, right? Not so fast. After our handy thinking caps proved to be malfunctioning this morning (or, possibly, the mindgrapes under said cap?), we took a few guesses after the jump, but today calls for the help of you commenters who, as always, are typically far more savvy at this sort of thing than us:

Anyone else who sadly remembers Mango the flamboyant monkey, or Corky Romano the flamboyant mob kid or, really, Chris Kattan the flamboyant Chris Kattan, was surely as shocked as we were to hear someone like model/actress Sunshine Tutt had agreed to marry the quirky little guy. Is she a cokehead, though? Well, were we forced to utter "Sunshine Tutt" whenever introducing ourselves to someone, we might need something to bolster a bit of confidence too. Melanie Griffith has admitted to dabbling with her fair share of substances in the past, and hubby Banderas has not only high-kicked on Broadway, but dude has not one, but two perfumes colognes under his shiny belt. Yasmine Bleeth, maybe the biggest repeat offender in cocaine bustland, is married, but we (and, we suspect, she) don't have a clue who this husband of hers is, but perhaps none of the above matters. When we hear the term "closeted actor," we instinctively picture the two actors most closely associated with the phrase in the public's eye: man-smoocher John Travolta and macho, macho man Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes is many things, but a cokehead? Nah. Kelly Preston, on the other hand... How an actress could fake her way through filming an explicit sex scene with Cruise without the aid of drugs? The world may never know.

[Photo credits: Wireimage, FilmMagic, Getty]

• CELEBRITY SIDE DISH [NYDN]

You did some really hard drugs when you were pretty young. How did that happen? In ninth grade, I did acid and cocaine. I wanted desperately to be an American badass. There's something so romantic, when you're a kid, about being a criminal. You want to belong to the tough-guy club. Running from the cops. Hiding in the bushes. Making schemes and plans to get it over on the Man.

Your character has some major withdrawal symptoms. Did you ever go through that? I've never had to detox. So I asked Robert Downey Jr. for some advice. He was cryptic. He didn't really tell me what he went through. He just said, "Three things. If you're kicking, three things you've got to know: You need a bucket, a chocolate bar and Gatorade." The chocolate bar, because, you know, your body needs the sugar. That's all you can hold down, I guess. You need Gatorade because you're going to be vomiting so much and crapping so much. And the bucket for the vomit and crap.

Did you ever try heroin?
Once, many years ago. Somebody gave me a small amount of it in an envelope and I kept it for months. I didn't want to use it, but I didn't want to throw it away, either, because I was always curious about it. The legend is that it's the best feeling in the universe. Ten times better than sex, but very dangerous, and you end up dying, choking on your own vomit. And also the legend is if you take it and you write, like, "Stairway to Heaven" or something—it makes you a genius.

Did it make you a genius?
No! No! No! Nothing came from it. This was the late '90s. My girlfriend at the time was there, and I snorted it, but she didn't know I did it. It didn't agree with me. I couldn't really feel my legs, and my heart felt like it was slowing down too much. I thought, Oh, my God, it's just going to shut me down. I'm going to die. So I told my girlfriend, "I'm going to take a walk." I went down to the 7-Eleven at the bottom of the hill, and I had this strange sensation that my legs were pumping, but the feet were just sort of lifeless stumps. I did a little shopping and then walked back up the hill and survived. And never did it again.

As if he were a smackhead-savant, Black's very first taste of horse led him directly to the one place where he could retrieve the three talismans identified years later by his rehab-Jedi co-star. For where else better to pick up a Mars bar, some Gatorade Fierce, and a Double Gulp vomit-receptacle at virtually any hour than the nearest 7-Eleven?

• G.I. Jack [Blender via HuffPo]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

The story involving Lohan is hardly new, and appears to be taken directly from last year's suspect News Of The World feature in which one of Lohan's cohorts turned over a tape allegedly showing Lohan snorting lines at Teddy's. The item, accompanied by grainy stills from the tape which have yet to convince us Lindsay's the girl peer pressuring everyone around her into joint key bumps, did provide a classic Lindsay quote: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law!" Funny. And sad, because of just how funny that objective would be today. As for the other excerpts, Johnny Depp is the actor who said he'd spent most of his life in a fog, but his comments on cocaine and all the "teeth-grinding" that came with it were made in retrospect during a 2001 interview with The Guardian. The star who relied on the drug socially? Shockingly (!), Elton John. Who provided the book's quote to the LAT back in 1992. And guess what? Robin Williams, believe it or not, was once fond of the same drug! Too bad that news is so old Williams was still using the memory of it to plug movies to People in 1988.

The book's authors also promise revelations from the secretly drug-filled lives of Whitney Houston, Courtney Love, Amy Winehouse, and George Michael. But rather than sit around in heated anticipation of the day you can waste $28.95 on the hardcover, we'll give you the Cliff's Notes:
Whitney Houston: "Crack is whack."
Amy Winehouse: "They tried to make me go to rehab, I said no, no, no."
George Michael: "Why can't I set my monkey free?"
Courtney Love: "im sur ei am quite Nuerotic."
[Photo credits: Wireimage]

• DOPE STYLES OF THE BOLD-FACES [NYP]

“Ms. Ferocity knows damn well if she keeps up the drugs like most of her addicted colleagues have, she’ll say buh-bye to everything she’s nabbed… that is why Fake à la employs some of Hell-Ay’s fanciest docs, their specialty being weaning famous folks off drugs via synthetic goodies that’ll make anybody’s bad day a tad more doable.”

Though Ted makes it crystal clear that Ms. Ferocity is the busting-at-the-seams Angelina Jolie, the idea that Jolie would risk turning the Chosen Two into heroin babies seemed out of the question until we heard yet another rumor that (gasp!), the cherubs not only have already been pushed out, but are holding on for dear life:

As we all fondly remember, People egregiously reported that the Chosen Two had been born an entire month ago, only to backtrack and look like idiots. But that hasn't stopped other gossip outlets from looking like idiots! As the NY Daily News reports today, "the premature infants are being secretly cared for in a French hospital. 'They're waiting till the babies are bigger and stronger before they allow anyone to take their picture,' contends a source." Coupled with Ted's seemingly too-sordid-to-be-true story, the idea that Jolie's couplet would be born a wee bit early due to "fancy docs" filling her up with meds to ward of 'drawls, the silly rumor becomes slightly easier to swallow. Until of course we hear the NYDN source's explanation for very recent photos showing Jolie still looking very pregnant: "Maybe it's a prosthetic tummy." Right. Jolie is high on horse tranquilizers, tending to sick infants in a hospital, and somehow found the time to custom-order a prosthetic Chosen Two bump. Color us cynics, but we remain unconvinced.

[Photo Source: Getty Images]

• NOT SO BLIND ITEM? [ONTD]
• BRANGELINA TWINS IN HIDING? [NYDN]

As cinematic as Sarah's tour de puke through Hollywood appears, things get far more interesting back at the apartment, when Greg replacement Nick takes Sarah's face-in-a-bucket moment of fame as an opportunity to snap some pictures. Sarah's comeback? "Who do you think you are, Charles Barkley?!" Yeah! Um, wait. Charles Barkley? The Round Mound Of Rebound? If we were attempting to dis someone by drunkenly shouting out the name of a marginally talented photographer, we would've likely screamed out William Wegman, Anne Geddes or even The Cobrasnake before spitting out the name Charles Barkley, but that's just us.

• GOOD GIRL GONE BAD [AOL]

Though Jack Nicholson and Dennis Hopper may have dropped LSD together and smoked a reported 155 joints in a row for just one Easy Rider scene, pictures of the legends puffing on cigars still pop up on the internets to this day. Along with Keith Richards, who continued to prove his immortality by walking this year's Shine A Light red carpet in NY with an ever-present cigarette, Hollywood's most infamous chimneys have been replaced by even heavier habit-afflicted youngsters. Mary-Kate Olsen is so addicted to her Marlboro Reds that she regularly lights up in gala bathrooms, while Shia LaBeouf recently set off security alarms at the Smithsonian in between shooting scenes for Transformers 2 because the bitch-slapper lit up in the john. And we're all well aware that chain-smoker Sam Ronson appears to have gotten lesbionic BFF Lindsay Lohan hooked — though all the straight edge forces within not-so-straight bestie T.R. Knight still haven't done much to come between Heigl and her American Spirits. Which is actually fine with us — the "throatier" her laugh, the weaker her chances of becoming the next Julia Roberts become!

[Photo credits: Wireimage, That Computer Guy, Skinny Celebrities, Extra TV, Just Jared]

• JACK BLACK KICKS HE NICOTINE HABIT [Snarkerati]

Graduated With Honors: It may have taken them two or twelve attempts, but so far Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Keith Urban appear to be holding steady after their most recent rehab stints. After promptly driving while wearing cokepants two weeks post-Promises last summer, Lindsay's stay at the trendy Le Cirque led her into the loving lesbian arms of Sam Ronson, the nipple-baring cover of NY Magazine, and out of the vapid Living Lohan spotlight. Britney Spears struck out at three different centers early last year only to wind up spending most of her winter strapped to gurneys, but ever since being treated for “bipolar disorder” at UCLA, the comeback queen has gone an entire three months without dropping a single baby or exchanging fishnets with a single bimbo. As for soon-to-be-dad and onesie expert Keith Urban, the former freebaser’s stay in an unknown center months after marrying Nicole Kidman has proven successful so far, though he is approaching his one-year anniversary since Rehab Stay Number 1. But surely the arrival of a bundle of batface joy will keep him on the straight and narrow.

Wild Cards: First-timers Eva Mendes and Kirsten Dunst both tried to mend their respective drug, booze, depression, and “method acting” vices at Le Cirque this year, but only time will tell if Eva’s so-called research will show its Oscar-worthy face on-screen. As for Dunst, AA classes haven’t stopped the onslaught of gossip claiming the shaky star is still wobbling her way around New York and perfecting her drunk faces of yore. And then there’s our favorite alcohol-snorting songstress Amy Winehouse, who’s tried out so many rehab centers we stopped counting long ago. Sometimes sane on the stage, sometimes making out with Pete Doherty, we can’t even look away from her ever-growing beehive long enough to ponder her chances of success.

Newest Students: Last month Steven Tyler checked in to Las Encinas, suggesting even the glamorous druggie rocker crowd hasn’t entirely cleaned up its act despite Mick Jagger’s immortal hips and Keith Richards’ indestructible face, but spending only three weeks in the slammer and blaming the stay on “foot pain” lead us to believe Tyler’s ongoing love affair with rehab centers isn’t quite over yet. Which leads us to Heather and Shawn. As Us reports, Locklear’s mysterious March evening of 911 calls and denials wasn’t as innocent as her rep claimed at the time. Denise Richards’ personal doormat is said to be dealing with “anxiety and depression” at an in-patient facility, while Larry King’s latest trophy of ten years is allegedly headed to rehab for munching on Generation Rx’s candy of choice: painkillers.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• TOO MUCH PAIN [NY Post]
• HEATHER LOCKLEAR IN REHAB FOR ANXIETY, DEPRESSION [Us]

[Hilton] became concerned recently because her clothes have been growing tight and she knew she was gaining weight...’She will go to the bathroom to smoke at different Hollywood clubs, or sometimes she’ll just light up in the VIP area,’ said the source.”

So how does one choose between wearing pretty dresses and using Annie Hall's solution to having sex with an unattractive boyfriend? Paris’ decision, after the jump.

As the source claims, Paris has a charming habit of showing up to parties complaining about how much she just ate after a toking session. Which might explain her infamous lazy eye always visible in party pictures! But after a series of heartbreaking evenings spent trying and failing to squeeze into her favorite old dishrags gemstone-encrusted dresses, Hilton has "decided to throw away the pipe to avoid the munchies and get back to her ideal weight." Color us confused, but isn't this entire tale just a little suspicious? Last we heard, Paris doesn't even do drugs. Like, never. Like, she'll take an Adderall when she feels dizzy and stuff, but she has Never. Tried. Drugs. Then again, maybe the reason that she got her facts messed up was because she was as stoned as Snoop Dogg when she told that lie story on Larry King last summer. At this point, that's the best possible explanation we can come up with.

• PARIS HILTON QUIT SMOKING POT TO COMBAT MUNCHIE WEIGHT GAIN [Celebitchy]

As it turns out, these two suicide attempts have very little to do with the Britney we’ve recently begun to muster up a bit of pride for — after romping around new father figure and sobriety expert Mel Gibson’s Caribbean retreat all smiles and apparently dating a guy who neither wears wifebeaters nor makes a living taking pictures of stars flashing their, well, Britney, we’d joined the Package on her most recent recovery train. And after reading excerpts from the not-so-shocking story itself, we’re still aboard. Despite the source being Celebrity Undercover author Ian Halperin, the scribe who spent years undercover in the COS as a gay actor impressively revealing the inner workings of Scientology’s bizarre practices, the dates Halperin supplies for Britney’s alleged suicidal tendencies are ancient in Hollywood years.

As a Spears family insider chimes in, “the singer regularly hinted at suicide...her suicidal tendencies began after the birth of her second son Jayden James in September 2006. 'It really became an issue once Jayden was born and it became clear Britney's marriage to Kevin was crumbling.'” 2006?! Two years ago, Bald Britney, Umbrella Swinging Britney, Pink Bobbed Britney, nor Gurney-Riding Britney had yet to even make their thrilling debuts! Who wouldn’t consider taking one too many sleeping pills after realizing you’d wasted years with a poor man’s Vanilla Ice and kinda, maybe, probably shoulda waited a few years or never to pop out babies prone to matricide? Revelations, shmevelations indeed.

[Photo credit: Life & Style via Daily Mail]

• TROUBLED STAR BRITNEY SPEARS 'ATTEMPTED SUICIDE ON TWO OCCASIONS' [Daily Mail]

As the Daily Mail reports, Moss was on her way back to her hotel after a night of celebrating Velvet Hour, her new fragrance which presumably smells like a floral mix of baby powder, laxatives and regret, as one silky hair extension broke free and landed (in a very photo spread-worthy fashion, actually) right on the red carpet outside the party. Though Moss didn't appear to care, distracted by bouts of nose-swiping instead, a paparazzo took it upon himself to grab the fake golden locks and we expect to see the flawless token on auction sites any second. Should this have happened to say, Britney Spears or Paris Hilton last night, the hair piece would maybe rack up a decent hundred bucks or so, but this is Cocaine Kate! There might even be a few snortable crystals in the threads! We predict the bidding to begin at a few thousand euros at the very least. And in a late-night state of self-degradation, Britney may even find herself the lucky winner.

[Photo credits: WENN]

• KATE MOSS LOSES HER HAIR (EXTENSIONS)...ON THE RED CARPET [Daily Mail]

UPDATE (6/14/08 @ 7:20am): Both Ms Hayek and Ms Cruz have released statements denying any connection to Mr Villarreal Barragán, his associated groups or any knowledge of who the house belonged to. In a statement, agents for the actresses said that "the production of Bandidas arranged the accomodation for all the actores, which is common practice in the film industry". The statement also said that "Penélope Cruz chose a hotel but Salma Hayek prefered a house because she was travelling with her pet dogs. Hayek never knew who owned the house or had any contact with its owners or with anything associated with the rented place, which was paid for by the production company."

If you’re among the five or six people who saw Bandidas, the 2006 Bonnie & Clyde: The Girl-On-Girl Edition! bomb co-starring Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek, the first thing you should be is ashamed of yourself. Now that we've scolded you, it's time to learn the possible reason why the “comedy” caper was so downright awful. Yes, Salma and Penelope wore very cute little pink lacy numbers, the film had a scene featuring Hayek jumping spread-eagle on to a horse, and Steve Zahn provided some slight comic relief just by being in the damn thing, but a revelation involving where the two chicas called home while filming may explain why the film went awry: “The stars slept at a [cocaine] trafficker's house for several days during the 2006 shoot. The property belonged to Sergio Villareal Barragán, known as 'El Grande' or the 'Big One.'” We took a look back at the cringy trailer to see if there may be any truth to the suggestive allegations that Salma and Penelope spent some time living the glamorous drug den life while on set.

Despite Salma's painful over-acting and Penelope's seemingly bipolar mood from scene to scene (one moment she's just! so! perky! and the next she's staring into space like a zombie coming down from one very long binge), we highly doubt the ladies were partaking in any of their alleged temporary landlord's stash. Salma tends to overact (Ugly Betty guest spot, anyone?), and Penelope tends to zombie-act her way through roles, the notable exception being her phenomenal role in Volver. So even if the trial witness who made these claims is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth (which, mind you, is a trait not commonly found among those embroiled in drug trafficking), we'd still be on Team Hotties. After all, even if they were hitting the slopes while filming, it's not like this disaster of a movie could've been salvaged anyway.

• PENELOPE CRUZ AND SALMA HAYEK STAYED AT DRUG TRAFFICKER'S HOUSE [Daily Telegraph]

After gleefully noticing Liv's decision to leave that recent caked-on makeup and tranny-ish new look behind her, we couldn't help but grow worried as she told the tale of when Papa Tyler taught her about how one goes about flossing their teeth. Steven's method, you see, was to force little Liv to (cringe) "smell" the tape post-floss. Naturally, Liv found the scent "disgusting," and has been quite the star flosser ever since. But considering the life her metallic Speedo-loving father was leading at the time, we hope she never comes to the realization we've currently come to: Liv's gorgeous smile is the result of one whacked out bender Steven spent in the bathroom smelling dental plaque.

• THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO [NBC]

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Vote early and often!

• TATUM TO COPS: THANKS! [NY Post]

Could it be that she missed the orgies? When she spoke to Dateline four years ago, she described her junkie lifestyle as "glamorous":

We checked into the Plaza Athenee with Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider...One night we all smoked opium and hash. I sank into bed, dizzy from the drugs. When I raised my head, a very confusing scene was taking place...Melanie [Griffith], Maria...and a hairdresser were tangled up together. As an added sordid touch, one of the women was apparently menstruating — something I was to young to have experienced myself — and there was a lot of blood.

Along with bloody orgies, it seems part of the "glamour" nose candy can add to your life includes vomiting and shrinking down to a toothpick!

When I got a bit chubby, by Hollywood and Farrah [Fawcett]-comparison standards....I learned that cocaine was good for weight loss...between doing coke and throwing up, the pounds started started melting off me effortlessly. I found that coke made me feel so much better.

Yup, after reading a few of these excerpts, we do have some sympathy for O'Neal and her need to return to the late-night bender excursions in the bright light of summer evening. We can only hope for her sake it isn't that time of the month while she's tapping her anxious foot on that jail cell floor — misty, menstrual blood-colored memories may make that itch even worse.

• SOURCES: TATUM O'NEAL BUSTED FOR COKE & CRACK [NY Post]
• A PAPER LIFE [Google Books]
• TATUM O'NEAL SHARES SURVIVAL STORY [MSNBC]

We address chemical dependency issues. We’re not at all a purely psychiatric facility like Bridges To Recovery, and each patient must undergo a detox for their chemical dependency, whether they’re coming off benzos, you know, cocktails in a pill, or harder substances. We do treat underlying issues, but if someone is suffering solely from chronic depression, we’re not the place to go.

As much as we hate delivering bad news (really!), it looks as though Dunst is simply pulling a Mendes by chalking up whatever uppers, downers and brand of Grandpa's Lemonade she'd been overdoing to a much more pleasant-sounding "problem." Not to mention her continuous public appearances in New York this month looking "wobbly" and generally lushing it up all over town. We wish her a speedy recovery but, as Goldenfiddle reminds us, "The first step is admitting you have a problem."

• KIRSTEN DUNST BATTLES DEPRESSION, NOT DRUGS AND ALCOHOL [E!]
• KIRSTEN DUNST 'WOBBLES' BUT SHE DOESN'T FALL DOWN [NYDN]
• The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem [Goldenfiddle]

What better way to annul your time spent in rehab than by pulling the old “It was just research!” card? That’s what Eva Mendes is allegedly claiming, pegging her January stay at Le Cirque in Utah to an upcoming role in Queen Of The South where she'll play a female drug lord or, as some have termed the character, “the female Scarface.” At the time, so-called insiders came forward saying Mendes was everything from a “closet drinker” to a prescription drug addict. Though it’s a nice thought that Mendes’ month-long stay alongside real-live drunk Kirsten Dunst was just a hush-hush effort to really feel like a druggie, we took a look at the timeline coupled with Mendes’ past, and find the excuse weak at best:

For one thing, Mendes has already appeared in her fair share of drug movies. There was last year’s We Own The Night, where she played the coke-dabbling girlfriend to Joaquin Phoenix’s drug dealer with a heart of gold. And 2003’s Once Upon A Time In Mexico centered around the Mexican president declaring war on a drug cartel, while that same year she played drug money-lover Denzel Washington’s ex-wife in Out Of Time. As for her potentially career-boosting role in Queen, her casting was announced only two weeks ago. Until her stay in rehab, two other names were still circling around the part: Jennifer Lopez and Penelope Cruz were said to be in consideration for the part as well. We only wish they’d gone with Cruz early on and relieved Mendes of the need to method act her way all the way to Le Cirque and scandal; Cruz already nailed the powdered-up girlfriend in Blow so convincingly that we still can’t help looking at her without getting the sense that she’s just itching to snort the dandruff off of whatever guy has currently enlisted her as their Beard.

• EVA MENDES RESEARCHING ROLE IN REHAB? [Starpulse]

On the tape (viewable here), Jolie emotionally explains to an unseen male how being tied down by somebody else isn't all about nipple clamps and "dripping candle wax," but something she's considering making a film about because it comes from "that real, real place." After tears rise up in her eyes just thinking about people who "share" their wildly varying sexuality with the world, the meandering conversation wanders to second-degree lizardslaughter. Jolie recalls being "a bad girl – beating up my friends," and admits she still feels guilty after killing off a few childhood pets — one of which was a hamster she decided to take a shower with. Despite the young Jolie's presumably innocent attempt to "heal" the pet by cleansing it in the nude, the rodent caught pneumonia. We just hope Zahara doesn't catch wind of this tape anytime soon and take vigilant notes on how next to take down Shiloh and her precious lips.

• FROM HEROIN TO HEROINE [The Sun]

[Photo credits: Splash, Getty, The Superficial, Pop On The Hop, Hollywood Rag, Wireimage]

• FULL DISCLOSURE [NYDN]

Sarandon admits she took plenty of drugs during her time in 1970s Hollywood, and isn't afraid to share her experiences with the teenagers. "When they were pretty young, Miles said, 'Did you do crack?' and I had to explain, 'No, they didn't have crack in those days."

So "what type of girl" was the bright-eyed new It Girl back in the day? Unsurprisingly, just the type of girl most 70s actresses should have been: a reefer-loving hippie chick, or as Susan puts it herself, "a hallucinogenics and weed type of girl." And really, this news just warms our heart and erases any fear we may have of aging whatsoever. Knowing that one of our idols spent years hallucinating and stoned managed to look as fine as she does now, thirty years later? The next time (you know, in our dreams) we find ourselves sitting around a bong with Judd Apatow and his trendy stoner crew, ideally next to Paul Rudd, pass that joint our way, boys.

• SUSAN SARANDON TALKS DRUGS TO HER KIDS [Hollywood.tv]

"Before Harlow came along, Nicole never had to worry about anything. All she did was party with her friends and go shopping...can't figure out if she's happier when she's home with the baby or hitting the town with her friends..."

Even when Nicole was just Paris' merrily chubby sidekick in 2004 (at left), we get the feeling that's a genuine smile. Whether or not substances had anything to do with it, girl is happy. And despite looking thisclose to snapping in half, Richie grinned while prancing down the beach in those infamous bikini pictures taken pre-Joel and Harlow. Finally, caught up in her new relationship and frequenting the party circuit like no other, it's obvious Nicole was always happiest when photographers aligning the red carpet shouted her name.

Fast-forward to present times. Pregnancy is supposed to give you that "glow" or whatever, but as we can see at left, Nicole looked far from overjoyed. And as for her activities, club-going has been replaced by glumly shopping for wrapping paper with the fiance. And most recently, having dropped the baby weight and looking just as thin as she ever did, a smile still can't be forced. Truth be told? We actually miss the old Nicole just as much as she does.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Getty]

• NICOLE TORN BETWEEN OLD LIFE, MOTHERHOOD [MSNBC]

Sources say Dunst...has been schlepping her All Good Things co-star, Ryan Gosling, to 12-step meetings.

It seems Kirsten's stint in rehab hasn't done much to improve her longtime habit of appearing in public looking like a combination of Maggie Gyllenhaal in Sherrybaby and a skinnier version of Charlize Theron in Monster. According to another NYP source who recently saw the actress at a restaurant in New York, "She looked like crap, had greasy hair and kept wiping her nose with a Kleenex" [Ed. Note - What's wrong with Kleenex? Would they have preferred her to use her shirt sleeve?]. And as we can see in the photos above from last year, it sounds like Dunst's junkie aesthetic hasn't gone away quite yet. Perhaps the next time she drags Gosling along to another AA meeting, he might suggest adding a 13th step to her personal program: stepping into the shower.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash]

• DUNST TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT [NY Post]

The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, "Wow, this is really good smack - not that cheap crap that's been stepped on."

Of course, we're unfortunately obligated to put a muzzle on all the excitement by noting that the news source reporting the tape's existence is none other than The National Enquirer. But as our father always told us, those supermarket tabs are the only ones worth trusting. Why? They pay for things! Just like they're allegedly considering paying $70,000 to the owner of the tape for the exclusive. As an Enquirer source claims, "It appears to be from the 1990s, right before Angelina - then in her 20s - was breaking out in films like Gia and Girl, Interrupted." And even though watching people do heroin on camera generally makes us cringe, we admit we'd take screen shots of Jolie ride the white horse over Pete Doherty feeding kittens crack or Amy Winehouse snorting cocaine mid-performance any day.

• ALLEGED ANGELINA JOLIE 'DRUG TAPE'? [Starpulse]

After TONY suggests that the official NPH comeback began not with his critically acclaimed role on HIMYM but with his druggie performance in the original H&K, Neil takes the bait and quips, "I never thought that snorting coke off the ass of a stripper would reinvent my career so well, no." And in case you were wondering, the fake NPH in the sequel has switched mindbenders: "It's mushrooms now." But speaking of strippers, it seems he's seen far more pole-straddlers in his day than you'd expect from a recently outed actor. As he puts it, "I've seen quite a few cans...I like calling them cans. It's fun. Although it's absolutely inappropriate in every way—wrong shape, wrong texture." Though we're not sure what part of that thought is "inappropriate" (the fact that breasts don't feel like beer cans, or that he thinks it's "fun" to call them that), we are delighted to learn that he's grabbed a few in the past. Imagining that is fun, indeed.

• THE HOT SEAT: NEIL PATRICK HARRIS [TONY]

"Ashley Olsen said hello to Sam at the Beatrice, and Lindsay screamed at her, 'Get your 15-year-old Full House ass away from my girlfriend.'"

Calling Ronson her "girlfriend" is one thing, especially after the two BFFs are now shacking up together, but a piece in today's NY Post reported that Lohan has a new Facebook page under the name "Lindsay Ronson" (revealed by our friends over at Gawker):


So, first comes love, then comes cohabitation, then comes taking your loved one's last name? While we're delighted to hear Lindsay wasn't so far off the rails that she was able to correctly remember which TGIF sitcom Olsen starred in, it seems whatever she was on prompted some sort of amnesia - 15? Sure, Olsen isn't the most mature-looking five-foot-nothing star in the world, but everyone and their father knows the Olsens became legal some time ago.

• SAM'S ALL HERS [NY Post]
• SHE'S BAAACK: LATE-NIGHT LINDSAY LOHAN [NYDN]

"'Chippendales' was a weird sketch. I always hated it...The joke of it is, basically, 'We can't hire you because you're fat.' There's no comic twist to it. It's just [bleep]ing mean. Chris wanted so much to be liked. As funny as that sketch was...it's one of the things that killed him."

As the NYDN reports, SNL writer Bob Odenkirk called him "totally nuts." But that's the least of it. Former cast member Norm McDonald reveals that after Farley was let go from the show, he felt so low that he'd taken to bringing prostitutes "to dinner and treat them so sweetly. He'd introduce them to you as his girlfriend." Producer Lorne Michaels has repeatedly compared Farley to his predecessor John Belushi, who died at the same age of 33, under remarkably similar circumstances: after going on a drug-infused bender with a strange woman, he was left alone to die after injecting speedballs.

When asked to compare Farley to John Belushi in an interview with TV Guide, Lorne explained:

"John was physical, but he could do remarkable impressions. He could do very deep character work, and I think that he found much more of his talent. Chris, he just didn't get the chance...He perhaps romanticized what he thought was John, the way John lived."

[Photo credit: Getty]

• CHRIS FARLEY'S DARK COMEDY [NYDN]