Defamer: Dirt Sandwich

How Matt Damon Went From Hunky To Chunky

Mark Graham — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:30:00 PDT

Nine out of ten talking heads agree, nothing clears your mental palate in advance of the weekend like tearing into a hearty Dirt Sandwich. No matter what happened to you during the work week, Molly McAleer's compilation of the week's best moments from the world of celebrity infotainment will cure what ails you. You get called "oily" on national TV? Try a Dirt Sandwich. You end up in sex tape with Mini-Me? Try a Dirt Sandwich. You set off a brawl between the Paps and the Surfs? Try a Dirt Sandwich. Short of a fistful of paco, nothing will turn that end-of-week-frown upside down faster than a Dirt Sandwich. Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

What Exactly Is Justin Timberlake Packing In That Speedo, Anyway?

Mark Graham — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:55:00 PDT

If there's one thing you can count on from the hard working journalists who populate the infotainment sector, it's that they will stop at nothing — nothing! — to get you your dirt. That's right, you think that Katie Couric is going to ask Justin ~~Timberland~~ Timberlake if he stuffed his shorts to achieve that bulky package look he's sporting in The Love Guru? Hell to the no! That's strictly the realm of nose-to-the-grindstone warriors like Access Hollywood's Shaun Robinson, who strive every day to bring you the stories that make your world turn. Just imagine where we'd be as a nation if someone as dedicated to the pursuit of truth and justice as Miss Robinson is was around to ask the tough questions about WMDs! But we digress. Each and every week, Defamer's Molly McAleer puts together another episode of Dirt Sandwich as a means to honor these commendable souls who brave fierce junket conditions to appear on our television sets nightly. Never forget, people, never forget!

WATCH VIDEO

Hey Sarah Larson, Are Your Breasts Real Or Fake?

Mark Graham — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 17:00:00 PDT

Undoubtedly, if there's one thing that's weighing heavily on the minds of the fair citizens of our great nation, it's whether or not George Clooney's ex paid a trip to the rack-enhancer. Perhaps even more important than that is the question of whether or not said surgery was the straw that broke the Clooney's back. And while we never got a chance to ask her to answer these riveting questions in person, naturally, one of TMZ's most upstanding cameramen did. As you have come to learn, moments of levity and brevity like this populate each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich. This week, Defamer's resident sandwich artist Molly McAleer held all the salmonella-tainted tomatoes from this sammy and instead crafted a mouthwatering meal made up of only the finest, freshest and locally grown entertainment tidbits. Did Katherine Heigl diss the Grey's Anatomy writers? Are Audrina and LC still fighting? Will Cindy Margolis ever marry again? Remember kids, knowing is half the battle. Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Brangelina Impostors Running Amok!

Mark Graham — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 17:20:00 PDT

With the possible exception of a Double Double with Animal Style fries, nothing goes down better after a long work week like a heaping Dirt Sandwich. Even better? You don't have to wait in line! Much like the ole In-N-Out, Molly McAleer uses nothing but the freshest ingredients when preparing each week's Dirt Sammy. Whether it's watching a makeup-less Tatum O'Neal get carted away by the cops or breathlessly awaiting to find out the outcome of what happened when Universal Studios explodes into flames with Steven Spielberg in the middle of the inferno (!), we guarantee that this week's Dirt Sandwich will satiate your weekly cravings for mental junk food. As always, enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Jodie Foster's Lovelorn Lingerie Shopping Escapade

Mark Graham — Fri, 30 May 2008 17:05:00 PDT

As Defamer's resident sous chef Molly McAleer will attest, the most difficult part of culling together each week's installment of Dirt Sandwich is not finding material worthy of inclusion, but rather trying to decide which parts to eliminate. This week's episode is no exception; even in a four day work week, this sammy is overflowing with juicy morsels of celebrity detritus. WATCH (!) as Billy Bush nearly drops an s-bomb when he learns about Clay Aiken's impending fatherhood. REVEL (!) in the sheer delight of knowing which celebrity in Hollywood Barack Obama looks up to. CELEBRATE (!) the wonder of TMZ's long-haired broseph when he describes Jodie Foster's erotic shopping trip as "Harsh, dude." Our thoughts exactly.

WATCH VIDEO

Shayne Lamas Fish-Sex Tape!

Seth — Fri, 23 May 2008 13:16:43 PDT

We love Dirt Sandwich, Defamer videographer and ToDoLogist Molly McAleer's weekly exercise in gossip-TV trash-compaction, for so many reasons. Among them, it gives us a chance to spend some time with Harvey Levin and his team of dude-monkeys over at TMZ, who find not-very-funny things (dental floss, Howard the Duck 2) ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL!!! Also in this installment: Charlize Theron in Secrets of the Casting Couch! Shayne Lamas wields a rod! And more cancer! Enjoy.

Watch Video

That's Not Frankenstein, It's Sarah Jessica Parker!

Mark Graham — Fri, 16 May 2008 16:25:00 PDT

If you are anything like us, your brain is total mush by 4pm on Friday. Fortunately, Defamer has the perfect solution to get you shipshape by bar time. That's right, wrap both of your hands around this week's Dirt Sandwich and take a giant, yummy bite. Our fearless and peerless videographer Molly McAleer has packed this week's installment chock fulla tasty morsels that are guaranteed to make your mindgrapes dance. You want examples? How about Entertainment Tonight's tantalizing tease of John Mayer being held at gunpoint? Or Tori Spelling's curious confession to Extra that she's aiming to play a "sexy MILF" in the new 90210? If neither of those made your brain start secreting heavy doses of serotonin, we're pretty sure Sarah Jessica Parker's Frankenstein hands oughta do the trick. Enjoy the weekend, kids!

WATCH VIDEO

Lindsay Lohan And The Case Of The Fur Burglar

Mark Graham — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:40:00 PDT

You know what sounds good right about now? No, besides a few glasses of Glenmorangie. Yep, that's right, a mouthwatering Dirt Sandwich. Defamer's resident Sandwich Artist, Molly McAleer, spent all week combing through oodles and oodles of high-caliber celebrity infotainment programming in search of the tastiest ingredients this side of a fresh crop of salvia. This week's installment features Prince William's rapidly eroding hairline, TMZ's (imagined) kidnapping of Paris Hilton, David Foster's truly brutal verbal pummeling of Idol reject Jason Castro and, of course, Lindsay Lohan's minknapping incident (which, naturally, Dina Lohan chalks up as part of the vast media conspiracy against her eldest daughter). Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Which Star Just Told Us She Has A Fake Butt?

Mark Graham — Fri, 02 May 2008 17:15:00 PDT

If you are on the hunt for comfort food for your brain, look no further than this week's flavor-packed installment of Dirt Sandwich. Each week, our superstar videotrix Molly McAleer puts her very sanity on the line for you, the loyal Defamer reader, as she pours through over a dozen hours of infotainment shows looking for moments of high camp from TV journalism's lowlifes. This week's episode features only the hottest of hott topics, including Miley Cyrus' initial reaction to Annie Liebovitz's now controversial Vanity Fair spread ("Annie took, like, a beautiful shot"), Donny Osmond's nationwide manhunt for a gentleman caller willing to date his sister, Harvey Levin drooling over some new Halle Berry pics and, of course, the appearance of a cow on the set of Extra. And no, we're not talking about Dayna Devon. Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Brad Pitt's Chilling 911 Bear Attack Call

Seth — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:00:00 PDT

How quickly the week rolls by when we know a brand new Dirt Sandwich—Defamer videographer and part-time, uncredited massage therapist Molly McAleer's attempt at making some condensed sense of the week in tabloid television—is waiting for us at the end of it. Today's 6-inch treat comes served on freshly baked jalapeno cheesy bread, overstuffed with slutty Mileys, drunk Lindsays, bear-attack 911 calls, and Brad Pitt in head-to-toe leather undies (kinky!). Most amazing of all, however, is one anonymous TMZ staffer's cracking of the Cheryl Burke Bangs Code, a complex theorem linking the angle of the Dancing with the Stars regular's hair to her blood alcohol level. Watch and learn!

[Watch Video]

Deborah Norville As Titillated As You Are By Sight Of Heather Locklear In A Bikini

Seth — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:05:00 PDT

It's time once again for Dirt Sandwich, the brain-smoothing snack that simulates the experience of Being Pat O'Brien—if only for a few fleeting minutes, before dumping you out unceremoniously somewhere near the Nevada Turnpike. This week's episode, lovingly pressed by Defamer's own master videologist (and part-time FBI forensic psychiatrist who only has 88 minutes to solve her own murder!) Molly McAleer, is chock-full of as many deli-meat shockers and condiment exclusives as we could cram between two slices of bread: Christie Brinkley's bearded mystery man! Someone screaming at a white Mercedes! And two varieties of cancer! And for just $1.49 more, you can make it a combo with chips and a drink. So what are you waiting for? Dig in.

Watch Video

Rob Lowe And His Vicious Laundry List Of False Terribles

Mark Graham — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 17:00:00 PDT

If you're planning on going out and getting bombed tonight, it's best to do so on a full stomach. Enter Dirt Sandwich, carefully crafted by Defamer's Top Chef, Molly McAleer. Each week, she grazes through the rich pasture of tabloid television for the juiciest ingredients and then stacks them all together into an easily digestible sammy, one that's guaranteed to soak up all the booze you'll be pouring down your gullet this evening. This week's Dirt Sandwich features Robin Williams' appearance at Idol Gives Back (not showing any sign of his personal troubles!), the first interview Denise Richards has ever given in her bathroom (an E! News exclusive!), Jamie Lynn Spears' romantic birthday dinner at a Louisiana Ruby Tuesdays (say what you will, but their Double Chocolate Cake is KILLER) and, of course, Rob Lowe's allegations that his nanny was set to blackmail him with "a vicious laundry list of false terribles" (which, btw, became word of the week at Defamer HQ). Enjoy, kids ... False Terribles!

WATCH VIDEO

Miley Cyrus' Desperate Search On A Bike For A Missing Dog

Mark Graham — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:10:07 PDT

Looking for a quick snack that won't spoil your dinner? Might we suggest tearing into a Dirt Sandwich? Make sure to grab yourself a placemat and a handful of napkins, for this week's double decker supreme is stacked to the ceiling with this week's messiest infotainment offerings. Compiled with care by Defamer's resident culinary expert, Molly McAleer, we think you'll find this to be the tastiest sammy you've noshed on all week. Join us as we find out how Amy Winehouse's face looks these days (answer: better than Harvey Levin thinks), what a teary Hayden Panettiere did immediately after receiving an award for Saving The Whales (or some such nonsense) and what Harrison Ford thinks of being slimed. Pay close attention, lest you miss the revelation of whether or not Dancing With The Stars' Priscilla Presley spray tans or not ... a special CoJo investigate report! Enjoy, kids, enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Jack Nicholson's Very NSFW Double Nip Slip!

Mark Graham — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:00:25 PDT

Stop counting calories, it's the weekend! Indulge yourself by taking a giant bite out of our Dirt Sandwich, one that's been carefully arranged and piled high with yummy (yet trans-fat free) toppings by Defamer's resident sandwich artist, Molly McAleer. The ingredients in this week sandwich include: aspiring cookbook author Katie Lee Joel dishes on what it's like to have a step-daughter just four years her junior; we learn about the drugs (!) and the kidnapping (!) that plagued the king of the tighty-whiteys, Calvin Klein; Donnie Osmond kissing, wait for it, a girl!; and, finally, a sad update on the second least talented member of the Jackson 5 (no offense to Tito, really). Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Oprah On Her Dog's Fatal Accident: 'If I Had Only Known Doggie Heimlich'

Seth — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:15:18 PDT

Mmmmm....dirrrrrrrt sannnnndwich. Each week, Defamer videogetarian Molly McAleer plucks just the ripest, juiciest morsels from the tabloid TV landscape, slices them finely, then stacks them carefully on artisanal all-grain bread smeared in a Tuscan olive tapanade for a satisfying meal unto itself. This week: an impressionable Abigail Breslin recalls her Spartan co-star's toilet-mouth; TMZ has a good laugh at serious skin conditions and near-fatal animal attacks; Gary Busey pep-talks the terminal cancer right out of Patrick Swayze; and Oprah's dog chokes to death on a ball. Enjoy!

Mike Myers' Secret Heartbreak: The Tears Behind All Those Laughs

Mark Graham — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 17:11:48 PDT

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming this week that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl. As always, we ~~demand~~ politely beg Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch hours of Harvey Levin's babbling in order to bring you the week's best and worst moments. This week's reel includes the secrets behind Mike Myers' "informal spiritual quest" (whatever the fuck that means), Mark McGrath uttering the word "Fattergories" and the revelation of "which Hollywood hottie has THE best bod in the biz" (which, btw, is a question that comes up several times per day here at Defamer HQ). Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

John Ritter's Chilling Final Phone Call: 'I Ate Some Pork Left Out In The Sun'

Mark Graham — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 15:04:03 PST

Feeling hungry? Try snacking on our Dirt Sandwich, a wild and woolly compilation of the moments in celebrity infotainment programming that made us simultaneously groan, chuckle and hurl this week. As always, we ~~force~~ politely ask Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer to watch this dreck all week so you don't have to. This week's highlights/lowlights include audio transmissions of John Ritter's surprisingly mundane final phone call to his wife ("I ate some pork left out in the sun") and the touching story of how Dancing With The Star's Marlee Matlin draws inspiration from a troupe of hearing-impaired ballerinas. Enjoy!

Sally Struthers Doesn't Mind Being Photographed, No Matter How She Looks

Mark Graham — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 17:06:48 PST

If there's one thing you can count on in a world that's wild at heart and weird on top, it's that the celebrity infotainment shows will come up with at least a handful of moments every week that'll make you groan, chuckle and hurl simultaneously. As always, we make Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer watch all of these shows so you don't have to. Highlights/lowlights from last week's tabloid television shows include Sally Struthers being blasted by The Insider and TMZ accusing Katherine Heigl of "calling in the gays" when she invited Grey's co-star T.R. Knight over to her house. Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO

Mmmmm, Dirt Sandwich

Mark Graham — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 17:48:56 PST

· This week's Dirt Sandwich is comprised of tragic tales of depression/cancer/diabetes/AIDS, tiger attacks and missing family members. And, as usual, they were handled with the grace and aplomb we have come to expect from paragons of journalistic integrity like Mark McGrath and Donny Osmond.
· Coked-Up Viral Promotion Theater Presents: Vikki & Kenickie in: THE NIGHT I SHOT EDDIE MUNSTER FOR NOT LOVING "KRAZEE." If you can bear to watch the whole uncensored clip, pay particular attention to what's on the table at 1:19. Doesn't look like pablum to us. [YouTube]
· Finally, the internet gives us what we have been looking for all these years — a site dedicated to chronicling only what white people like. Examples being gentrification, difficult breakups and expensive sandwiches. Yep, three for three! [Stuff White People Like]
· The title of this YouTube clip says it all: Rock Band Baby!!! Funny!!! [YouTube]
· Notoriously cranky movie blogger Jeffrey Wells thinks Ellen Page doesn't stand a chance to win an Oscar because there is "absolutely nothing about her that says 'alluring breeding-age female.'" [Vulture]
· Oscar Bingo! [Thrillist]

Defamer Debuts 'Dirt Sandwich', Your Weekly Romp Through Trashy Tabloid TV

Mark Graham — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 15:12:09 PST

There once was a land — a magical land — where a squarejawed titan named John Tesh and a leggy vixen named Mary Hart reigned supreme. Together, they blazed a pioneering trail in which the worlds of journalism and entertainment converged into 30 minutes of televised bliss each and every weeknight. But much like other creations that were born of the purest intentions (think: The Coreys, Britney Spears and Napster), copycat competitors soon entered the fray and everything quickly turned to shit.

Today, the state of celebrity infotainment is at a crossroads, a crossroads at which the likes of Harvey Levin, Billy Bush and Mark McGrath are honored as the Father, Son and Unholy Ghost of the genre. As new celeb-centric shows spring up with greater regularity than lesions on Paris Hilton's nether regions, we here at Defamer are proud to present a new weekly video feature that we are calling Dirt Sandwich. Culled together by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, each episode will place an unforgiving spotlight on the week's lowest and highest moments (which, as you'll soon discover, are often one and the same). Enjoy!

WATCH VIDEO