Defamer: Diary

We're thrilled to announce a new addition ...

Seth — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 09:59:25 PDT

We're thrilled to announce a new addition to the Defamer team today: Please give a warm welcome to Matt McCluskey and Julie Miller—the devious and hilarious minds behind the UTA Job List blog we posted about not long ago. From their Official Bio&trade:

Matt McCluskey and Julie Miller are writers who live in Silver Lake with two tortie cats. Currently, they are dealing with their collective fear of death and actively managing their darkly comedic impulses.

They'll be contributing on several new features we'll be sliding down the post-pressing belt in the coming weeks, beginning today with Defamer Horoscopes, your weekly astrological forecast. Should you get that breast enlargement? Sleep with your producing partner's girlfriend? Hog credit on a project? Let the stars—and McCluskey & Miller—guide your way!

We apologize for the unscheduled break in ...

Seth — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 13:32:01 PDT

We apologize for the unscheduled break in your daily Defamer procrastination-enabling services, but apparently the Gawker Media server had been accidentally let go in the flurry of downsizings to recently befall our company. An intern has been dispatched to beg the large device to return to HQ, with a $0.07-an-hour raise thrown in to sweeten the pot. Hopefully, by the time you read this all the necessary paperwork will have been signed, and we'll get back to churning out the news you need to know with the frequency to which you've become accustomed. HAAY-yah, editors! *Whipcrack!*

Please Stand By...

Seth — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 11:32:56 PDT

We apologize for any dead-air you may have experienced when trying to access the site over the past hour or so, as a minor technical malfunction led to a teensy weensy network-wide outage among your favorite Gawker Media blogspots. Everything seems to be functioning now, however, and we should get back up to speed in no time, filling your heads with the regular stream of nonsense you've come to rely on during the long, cubicle-bound hours.

This Round Of Andre Is On Me

Mark — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 18:00:02 PST

[Mood: Unsettling mix of trouser-soiling fear and misguided hope. Song: "The One Where Everyone On 'Six Feet Under' Dies" by Sia]

Well, here it is: The Last* Post. As it's getting late and no one wants to be stuck here when there's a perfectly good happy hour at which you should be drowning your end-of-week pain, it's time for the Goodbyes, the Thank Yous, and the Boozy, Andre-Fueled Reflections:

My time here at Defamer has been a life-changing experience, in every possible sense. Before we started the site back in 2004, I'd never had a paid writing gig, and now I find myself moving on from one that I've had for nearly four years—a run that was made possible by our readers. (And by this mysterious "Nick Denton" character who continued to sign the paychecks.) So thank you, all of you, for your tips, your hilarious comments, your support, your wasted productivity. Whatever I get to do with myself from this point forward is because you kept showing up here every day. Did I just get through an entire paragraph using only sincere words? Blogging may have stolen my attention span and much of my sanity, but it seems it hasn't destroyed my ability to learn a new trick on my way out the door.

Next: nothing I can say here can possibly equal the incredibly generous thoughts that were written (and expressed in video form—um, wow), but my first words of thanks have to go to Seth Abramovitch, who for the last two and half years or so has been the best co-worker I could have ever dreamed of having: Incredibly funny, massively talented, and just generally a great person with whom to spend 12 hours a day.

Most of all, what I'm going to miss about this job is the roughly 15,000 IMs it requires to complete our daily shift down in the blogging salt-mines; in fact, I treasured our time together so much that I've already changed my screenname and put him on my AIM ban list so that we can't taint what we've shared. Gonna miss you, old pal from the Great White North, and if the INS comes calling, it wasn't me who tipped them about that green card you bought at that head shop on Melrose. And enough already with the boombox-under-my-window thing. I get it, you'll miss me. (Also: You're supposed to play "In Your Eyes," not "Sledgehammer." Fucking A, guy, what kind of teenage years did you have?)

Moving right along to the rest of our rapidly expanding Defamer Family: "Old Molly" McAleer, you've been with us since August, and already it feels like we've spent a blogging lifetime together. (In the best possible sense!) I'd apologize for dispatching you to Hollywood Blvd. with that camcorder of yours so many times, but I know you never really minded, especially once you learned to enjoy the "accidental" gropings by Handsy Spider-Man and The Pantsless Terminator. Mark Graham: We've been friends since the days when we had to press our posts into soft clay Blogger tablets with primitive, wedge-shaped implements, so it feels like we've somehow come full circle by getting to work together these past six weeks. More fun awaits you on the go-forward, obvs. "New Molly" Friedman: Good luck with this bunch of lunatics. (I also mean that in the best possible sense.) "Interns" Kerry and Megan: Thanks for sticking with me since the very beginning, and somehow lasting all the way until the end.

Those who have served time on the bridge of the Gawker Media Mothership: Nick, I'll always be grateful to you for turning over the reins to me and letting me figure this all out as I went along, asking in return only that I fear and worship you in equal measure, and answer the occasional e-mail suggesting I more fully explore the issue of John Travolta's massage etiquette . And thank you for never pressing that button that would have detonated this explosive collar. Can I take if off now? Choire Sicha: You helped me get this thing off the ground, have always been around when I've needed to bitch, and have been a great friend and mentor. Yes, the word "mentor" makes you sound old, but tough. You are much, much older than me. Much! Lockhart "Not Your Real Name" Steele: You always had my back. And now you're well on your way to being the kind of blog emperor/tyrant I always knew you could be. Also, that's not your real name. Noah Robischon: Your seemingly endless patience with me was much appreciated, and I have no idea how you continue to get your job without the assistance of clones. Fellow editors from other Gawker-brand blog titles, both past and present: It's been a lot of fun working with you. Twenty-five years hence, let's meet up in Denton's long-abandoned SoHo loft and compare war wounds.

If there's anyone else I'm forgetting, I'm sure I will remember once the hangover from this Andre-bender fades, and I promise to personally—personally!—make amends.

It's been amazing, really. Thank you all.

—Mark Lisanti

[*"Last" is a really tricky word. See you in three weeks! And one more thing: Please stop calling it "The Defamer." There's no definite article involved. There, I finally got that off my chest!]

A Farewell To Grazerhead

Mark — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 09:46:38 PST

[SFX: a PHONE RINGING at Defamer HQ]

Mark: Yeah?
Grazerhead: Hey, buddy.
Mark:: Hi?
Grazerhead: It's Grazerhead!
Mark: Oh! Hi!
Grazerhead: So...big day, huh?
Mark: Yeah, I suppose it is. [a deep, soul-weary sigh.] I suppose it is.

Grazerhead: So what's up next?
Mark: You know, a little of this, a little—
Grazerhead: That's great, just great. So listen. Did you get that totally yum basket of Mrs. Sprinkles red velvet cupcakes I sent over?
Mark: Let me look...so many baskets... Nope.
Grazerhead: WHAT THE FUCK? I told my assistant's headshot to MAKE FUCKING SURE THAT GOT DONE. You really can't count on anybody in this town, you know? What am I supposed to do, personally keep track of every goddamn basket of fucking baked goods I need sent out? I am very fucking busy GlamourShot™!
Mark:: Really, it's totally unnecessary.
Grazerhead: [yelling slightly muffled by a hand loosely placed over a receiver]: Bethany! You are so fucking fired—no, check that, you're DEAD and BURIED in the DESERT— if that guy at Defamer's face isn't fucking covered in sticky, delicious red-velvet residue in the next twenty minutes! I don't care if it's breakfast time! DO IT NOW NOW NOW! Sorry. Still there?
Mark: Always.
Grazerhead: Look, let me make it up to you. My cultural attaché is putting together a thinktank with a photo of Stephen Hawking, a watercolor portrait of J.D., and a doodle of Albert Einstein's brain I made on a yellow pad. Let's get you in there, too. It'll be great networking.
Mark: I'm flattered. Really flattered. But I'm going to have to pass.
Grazerhead: You're kidding. Dude, we can get a bronze bust of Russell Crowe in there too, no problem, if you want more star power.
Mark: I can't. Listen, this is a little awkward, but as long as I have you on the phone, I might as well tell you...
Grazerhead: OK?
Mark: I have to retire you today.
Grazerhead: [a beat.] OK...
Mark: It's nothing personal. It's just time.
Grazerhead: But I got you this for your last day:

Mark: Um. Wow. You really did your research. [a beat] Still...we have to do it. It's time.
Grazerhead: I'm not the kind of idealized representation of an already-handsome guy to take no for an answer, you know.
Mark: I am well aware.
Grazerhead: If I have to have someone break into your home and leave framed versions of me all over the place to remind you of What. A. Huge. Mistake. You're making. every day for the rest of your life, I will.
Mark: We all do what we have to do.
Grazerhead: Fine! Fine.
Mark:: Come on...
Grazerhead:: OK, OK. Promise me one thing, though. You're not going to let them swap me out for that awful wire photo I replaced back in summer '06, are you? I'd like to get out of this with some dignity.
Mark: Of course I won't. I'd never let them do that to you.
Grazerhead: Then I guess this is goodbye.
Mark:: I guess so.
Grazerhead:: See you at the thinktank?
Mark: Have your people call my people.
Grazerhead:: Will do.
[He hangs up.]
Mark: Grazerhead, I'm going to miss you most of all.

The One Where The Editor Says It's Time To Move On

Mark — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:45:11 PST

Of the 9 or 10,000 posts I've done since we started this site, this one is the hardest to write. After almost four years here at Defamer, I've decided it's finally time to move on. In an effort to keep this short and sweet, I'll be climbing out of the blogging hamster-wheel this Friday, and though I wish I had exciting news about where my next paycheck will be coming from (or some great story about why I'm leaving other than "it's time"), I'll probably just be taking a little hiatus to figure out what's next and work on some projects I haven't had the time or energy for since, oh, mid 2004: writing that might not involve typing in a tiny box in a browser window, eating the occasional lunch, spending lazy afternoons standing in front of the Chinese Theater in a loose-fitting Power Ranger costume, shaking down tourists for money. You know, how everyone in L.A. spends their idle hours.

OK! So that's that. I'd love to talk at length about what a truly amazing experience this has been (and it has been pretty amazing), but I've promised to save all the weeping, gnashing of teeth, and goodbyes until Friday, when I've scheduled a spectacular emotional breakdown; suffice it to say that the ambulance to Cedars Sinai has already been reserved. And, of course, the rest of our Defamer team isn't going anywhere—in fact, we're still trying to grow the family; expect a post shortly from Fearless Managing Editor Mark Graham with the details.
—-Mark Lisanti, Editor

New Gawker Sci-Fi Site Invites Trekkies To Wipe It Out With Enraged Phaser-Fire On Launch Day

Mark — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 11:35:22 PST

Today marks the launch of io9, our brand-spanking-new Gawker Media sister site (the first work day of the new year is a busy one back at our corporate mothership) that seeks to sate the appetite of sci-fi fans who think nothing of following up a 24-hour Battlestar Galactica marathon by inserting toothpicks under their weary eyelids and sitting back down for another straight day of vintage V episodes. (An unhealthy viewing orgy that may, of course, result in hallucinations that one can now unhinge one's jaw and swallow a tasty rodent whole like a ravenous Visitor.) Of particular geek interest among today's posts is this potential six-pointed blasphemy detailing why Star Trek, which has "become a microcosm of everything that's wrong with science fiction," should have been allowed to stay dead, a rallying cry for anyone who feels that it's cruel that a greedy studio insists on trying to pump life back into the original James T. Kirk's bloated corpse. Drop by and say hello to editor Annalee Newitz and her crew, then stick around to learn how semen is being used to control women's sexual urges, or some Doctor Who infoporn.

Six Reasons Why Star Trek Should Stay Dead [io9]
What Is an io9? [io9]

A Quick Note About Our New And Improved Masthead

Mark — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 08:30:16 PST

Happy 2008! Though we're still trying to pry off the confetti stubbornly cemented to various body parts by dried champagne (please, don't press us for details on the exact places we're having a hard time de-spangling), we're ready for whatever Hollywood nonsense the new year holds. But first, we have an announcement to make: Our Defamer family is expanding, as we've brought aboard an old friend to be our first Managing Editor. Please welcome Mark Graham to the fold, who'll be dealing with the administration of the site, spearheading the expansion of some features (photos and videos and what-have-you), and handling all the fun responsibilities that go along with growing our little part of the Gawker Media Worldwide Blogging Concern. Mark's a recent refugee from VH1's online operations, the proprietor of the seminal blogspot Whatevs, and, amazingly, still fascinated with at least one half of the post-conjoined Olsen twins. Please direct all well wishes and gift baskets (hint: he's a red-velvet cupcake guy) here.

OK, enough about our masthead. In the time it took us to type out this update, surely some once-virginal star of a tween-beloved cable series has been controversially impregnated, or the AMPTP has updated its website with a video of negotiating-averse leader Nick Counter setting ablaze an enormous pile of cash to show his greedy and unreasonable Writers Guild adversaries how much money they're wasting with each passing day of their misbegotten strike.

As some readers complained that last year's ...

Mark — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 17:00:05 PST

As some readers complained that last year's holiday greeting caused their usual Christmas bedtime visions of dancing sugar-plums to be replaced by nightmares starring a certain mysteriously infantilized—if still festively attired—superproducer, we've decided to soften this year's offering a bit. Who could possibly be troubled by the delightful image of Santa Grazer atop a plush unicorn? Not us, at least. Please accept our warmest wishes and heartfelt thanks for helping us survive another 12 months of largely the same nonsense we all lived through the previous year. We'll be back on Monday for a half-day, off Tuesday for the holiday, then back to a more-or-less regular schedule Wednesday for the always action-packed week before the New Year. (Or, more accurately, Seth will be here—he always puts a vacation until January 2nd under my Christmas tree. And all I got him for a late Hanukkah present was a regifted set of "I Am Legend/I'm With Legend" t-shirts Warner Bros. sent in!) See you in 2008! —Mark

We know that the last thing anyone wants ...

Mark — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 09:27:55 PST

We know that the last thing anyone wants to hear about is our technical problems (and yet here we go anyway!), but one of those internet outages that our service provider occasionally likes to surprise us with to keep us on our toes has forced us out in the world to find a connection. We should be up shortly, though things may be running at half-speed for a little while. As always, thank you for bearing with us during these incredibly difficult times.

A Quick Note From The Editor

Mark — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 10:00:21 PST

Apologies for our slower-than-usual start; we've been dealing with a technical issue that makes an already half-lucid Monday morning all the more fun. (A tip we read on Lifehacker but nonetheless ignored: Repeatedly screaming "Fuck you, devil box!" at your computer is generally an ineffective troubleshooting technique.)

Also, you failed to scare off Jarrett Grode during his Friday guest-editing stint, so he's back today to give Seth a day off. Please continue showering him with affection so that he doesn't run screaming from the Movable Type window by lunchtime. (You know how these performer types crave positive reinforcement.)

They're Out of Wiis, so Here's a New Guest Editor for Christmas, Sorry

jgrode — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:39:55 PST

Hello to everyone who used to work in showbiz back when it existed. I've been instructed to introduce myself. My name is Jarrett Grode, I'm a Los Angeles native, and a very sporadically employed actor, writer, and blogger. I will be guest writing for the site today while Mark does something Mark-like. If this goes well, it will have no positive impact on anyone or anything.

The New And Improved Defamer Comments: Friends, Followers And Fun Features

Mark — Mon, 19 Nov 2007 14:06:15 PST

Every once in a while, a Communications Ensign from the bridge of the Gawker Media mothership requests that we briefly pause to explain some new and exciting features they've added to this Web Log for your enjoyment, and because we've learned that disobedience of these directives invariably leads to the sting of the lash or the burn of the cupful of acid tossed faceward, we are more than happy to comply. Starting immediately, there are some new whizbang-y doodads available that will help our cherished, tight-knit community of commenters (more on how to become a commenter here) further enmesh themselves in each other's online lives by tracking the activity of their "friends" and "followers." Sound neat-o? It is! Let's learn more:

First, log in using your comment ID and password in the boxes at the top of the page. If you don't have an ID already, click the "new user" to sign up. (Again, here's the info on how you get approved when you sign up as a new user without an invitation.) Once you're logged in, click on your comment ID displayed at the top of the page where it says "welcome." This leads to your commenting home page, and along with updating your picture (tiny Grazerheads!) and screen name (in-jokes and panda references!) here, you can see all your comments, clipped posts and view your current friends and followers.

But what are these "friends and followers" you've heard so much about in the preceding two paragraphs? The next time you see a comment that catches your fancy with its humor or insight into the Hollywood condition, click the + button next to it and you'll have made a new commenting "friend." This also turns you into a "follower," a member of that person's burgeoning cult of personality. (Note: Suicide pacts are strictly forbidden—refuse all invitations to lay down your life fighting the ATF or to catch a ride on a passing comet.)

After you have "friended" someone, links to their latest comments will begin appearing on the front page of the site mixed in between the regular posts. This gives you the ability to scan the page as always, while at the same time allowing you to simultaneously "follow" your new pals and find out what they are talking about. You'll be notified of any comments your friends make across all Gawker Media blogs.

Should you require a roster of your "followers," simply return to your profile page. There, you can also de-friend someone who displeases you or has become too clingy by clicking the X button next to their commenter name. If you want to see all of a particular person's comments in one place, click on their commenter name — you can even write a personal message on their profile page (it's just like the MySpaces and the Facebooks!), scribblings which may or may not later be used against you in stalking-related litigation.

If you encounter any problems with these new features (but we can't possibly envision that happening!), please let us know in the comments below or by sending an e-mail to tips[AT]defamer.com (be sure to note your OS and browser type). Welcome to the brave, new world of friendtastic Defamer comments!

Previously: Defamer Commenting: This Is How We Do It [Defamer]

Who Wants To Take A Survey? You Do! Maybe!

Mark — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 12:48:06 PDT

We know what you're thinking right now: "Gee whiz, Defamer, it would be so great if there was a way that I could answer some survey questions that might help your parent company painlessly collect some demographic information in exchange for the chance to win a $100 Amazon gift certificate." Amazingly, Gawker Media's Survey Administration Department has—just this morning!—asked us to provide you with such an opportunity. Answer these questions, then type your e-mail address into the box following those questions, and you'll be entered in a drawing for the aforementioned Amazon prize. In a word: Fun!

As you may have noticed, a minor redesign ...

Mark — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 13:42:55 PDT

As you may have noticed, a minor redesign of the site has just gone live. Fun, right? We'll leave you discover all the new gizmos, doodads, and what-have-you our design team has whipped up this time around, but if anything seems to be broken in the nip/tucked layout, please drop us a line and let us know (and telling us your browser and OS version always helps).

A Note From Your Guest Editor

nickm — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 09:49:00 PDT

Hey everybody. Nick Malis here. Since Mark is off on another one of his suspiciously frequent vacations, I'm gonna be helping Seth out as guest editor for the next two days. You may recognize me as an occasional correspondent for this very site, or from the blogs that I used to write but have now sort of abandoned: Malis in Wonderland and Cute Things Falling Asleep. But fear not, reader— I won't abandon you. Not when there's new Britney Spears crotch shots to analyze. Alright, enough jibber jabber. Let's do this!

A Note On Our Temporary New Look

Mark — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 11:12:56 PDT

As our more astute readers have pointed out to us both in an earlier comment thread and in some concerned emails, Mr. Defamer appears to have been kidnapped by Peter Krause, star of Filthy Smutty Cash, a new show on a television network we hardly need to name in this space. Let us just say this and move on with our day: We were just as surprised as you to wake up and see Nate Fisher's face smirking back at us, but our sales department quickly silenced any of our concerns about advertorial crassness by showing us the mock-up they rejected, which we've reproduced after the jump:

We seem to be back online (fingers, toes ...

Mark — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 15:39:24 PDT

We seem to be back online (fingers, toes crossed) following the Great Gawker Media Server Crash of Early Fall 2007, so the small amount of work we were able to accomplish during the downtime should start appearing as you scroll down the page. To make up for today's unfortunate developments, we've mailed each and every one our our readers a single red velvet cupcake—monitor your mailboxes for our "We're sorry" gift.

By the time you read this, the problem will ...

Mark — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 10:27:44 PDT

By the time you read this, the problem will probably already have magically worked itself out, but we seem to be experiencing one our weekly Friday server meltdowns. Please bear with us until our Soviet-era equipment is switched out for slightly better machines obtained at a recent Kabul computer fair.

You Are So Ready To Take Another Survey

Mark — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 13:49:15 PDT

Your enthusiastic calls for more anonymous surveys about nonspecific, possibly personally intrusive topics have been answered: Because someone inside Gawker Media's Survey Administration Department loves you more than you can ever know, we're once again offering the chance to win prize-like stuff for answering question-type things. Just click over here to take this survey, then e-mail the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com for a chance to be the one random winner of a $300 Ikea gift card. My word, the fun you'll have luxuriating in an easy chair you've assembled with a single hex wrench! Remember, the price of this amazing opportunity is that you agree to be bound by our standard contest rules. Surveys aweigh!

Say Hello To My Little Fug

Mark — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 09:52:27 PDT

As is his wont, Defamer associate editor Seth gave me very little notice of the vacation he was embarking on beginning today, casually calling me up last night with the flimsy excuse that he'd accepted a week-long gig punching up the script for Feed The Bears II: The Bears Are Still Hungry!, a sequel to the ursine-glutton fetish classic rushed into production following the original film's unexpected exposure on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Whatever he's actually doing for the next seven days, I trust he will return refreshed next Monday, with plenty of amusing, completely fabricated stories about how the talent kept botching his favorite scene, in which two of his burly stars gnaw on opposite ends of a succulent watermelon.

In the meantime. we've once again convinced Heather Cocks, 50 percent of the Go Fug Yourself fashion-decimating juggernaut, to fill in. Be nice to her and by the end of the week she may show us all the "Ryan Seacrest is a pussy" tattoo she got on a dare after doing too many tequila shots during E!'s Golden Globes red carpet coverage.

—Ed.

Oh! Lookee Here! A Survey!

Mark — Wed, 25 Jul 2007 12:12:07 PDT

Since we just realized that it's been, like, months (or maybe it just feels like months, so painful is the non-survey-offering void in our lives?) since we've given you the opportunity to fill out some survey questions in exchange for the chance to win a generous prize, here we go again: Take this survey, right now, before your "life" or "job" distracts you with some trivial, survey-delaying matter (doesn't that "survey" word get funny after you read it a half-dozen times?), then e-mail the last question asked to surveys[AT]gawker.com , and someone in a cubicle inside Gawker Media's survey-administration division will choose one random winner to receive a $300 Ikea gift card. But remember: As always, your participation in today's surveymania event is subject to our contest rules. Get to surveyin'!

The Search for Defamer's Next Top Guerrilla Videographer

Mark — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 13:29:46 PDT

Do you have a camera, editing skills, balls (we speak figuratively, of course, as we're an ovary-positive shop), and a total disregard for either your professional reputation of your personal safety? If you answered affirmatively to most of the items in that list, you may have a place on the Defamer team. We're looking for a video freelancer to handle an exciting array of future projects that involve brazenly sticking your lens in places where it probably doesn't belong. If you're interested, continue on for a list of some requirements and the way to submit yourself for consideration:

Defamer Freelance Video Position:

- Must have basic Final Cut Pro and iMovie skills
- Must be willing to film in locations in which you are unwelcome/forbidden/may be tasered/have personal style insulted
- Must be willing to be up on the latest Hollywood news and gossip
- Must enjoy watching shows like EXTRA, ET, Access Hollywood, and various late night talk shows
- Must have a car/be willing to travel (this is L.A., God help you if you don't have a car.)
- Own video camera/computer/editing softwear a must, doesn't have to be fancy, miniDV camera will do

Typical filming duties will be crashing after parties, working red carpets, doing impromptu interviews with actors, directors, etc. who are unlucky enough to cross your camera-wielding path, and much, much more! Perfect for someone fresh from film/broadcasting school. Please submit a one-liner bio and a link to some of your past work to lavideo[AT]gawker.com (Important: Do NOT send submission to our regular e-mail addresses, as those resumes will be deleted unread. Thanks.)

Our Enthusiasm For Elective Plastic Surgery May Be Getting Out Of Hand

Mark — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 13:38:30 PDT

As anyone who's ever gone under the knife in a desperate attempt to stay competitive with the kittens who keep stealing all the fresh cougar bait knows all too well, facelifts don't last forever. Those who remember the last time we elected for some minor blogoplasty can probably guess that the surgeon interrupted us before we could get out a single response to his "tell me what you don't like about yourself" invitation, choosing instead to go batshit upon our humbled, naked form with his unforgiving grease pencil. We're still a little unsure about the results, but he did gently whisper a promise that we'll come to love his work once the swelling goes down as we luxuriated on his bearskin rug, exhausted from a vigorous round of coitus.

Well spare you an inventory of everything we've had bolted on, sliced off, or vacuumed out in our efforts to stay pretty for you, as it's much more fun to discover the changes on your own. But please let us know what you think in the comments or by e-mailing us at tips[AT]defamer.com. And if you see anyting weird, send us a screengrab (if possible) and information about your operating system and browser, and we'll have the trouble spot tightened up as soon as medically possible.

Defamer Technical Difficulties

Mark — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 14:59:08 PDT

While we know that it does no one any real good to post notices about the technical difficulties that occasionally prevent us from serving your Grazerhead-related needs in a timely fashion, it nonetheless makes us feel better to let you know that a problem with the evil voodoo-box that holds our blog posts hostage until a proper offering of fresh poultry is made has hobbled us for the last three hours or so. But the required chickens have now been slaughtered, so things should again function properly, and our regular posting schedule will resume shortly.

As always, thank you for sticking by us in these trying times.

The New Gridskipper: Map Your Way To Rehab

Mark — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 13:27:19 PDT

It is with great corporate-sibling pride that we announce the relaunch of Gridskipper, our "decadent urban travel guide" sister site, which has just rolled out a number of features that will assist you, the Los Angeles-based libertine whose substance abuse problem has not yet slipped from the "She's so fun!" to the "She just puked in my closet and stole all my clothes!" stage, in the pursuit of your after-hours hobbies. Gridskipper's gone map-happy, reorienting nearly all of its posts around interactive maps that will more efficiently direct you towards the happy hour, smoking haven, or coke bar of your drug-addled dreams. And should you ever make the grievous mistake of leaving the greater L.A. area, many other fine cities are covered as well. Drop by and give the new toys a whirl.

Gridskipper

Friday Afternoon Surveys: More Intoxicating Than A Happy Hour Margarita

Mark — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 13:16:53 PDT

Right about now, we know exactly what you need to get you to the Friday afternoon finish line: a superfun chance to win a fantastic prize by answering some totally unintrusive survey questions! We know! How did you people ever get so lucky? So here's how you get in on this directive from our ad sales team: Take this survey, e-mail the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com, and one random winner will receive a year of Netflix's 3-DVD-at-a-time subscription. And best of all: your participation is, like, amazingly subject to our usual contest rules! Another word in exuberant italics!

Taking Fun Surveys Has Been Proven To Reduce Wildfire Outbreaks By Fifty Percent

Mark — Tue, 22 May 2007 14:07:09 PDT

Every so often, Defamer is thrilled to provide its readers with a super-fun opportunity to answer some questions in exchange for a chance to win a totally bitchin' prize. Are you ready to take advantage of this amazing offer that we'd share with you even if our ad sales enforcer weren't threatening to toss our broken bodies into a canyon off Mulholland Drive for noncompliance? Of course you are! So here's what you do: take this survey (we have no idea if it's another one about whom you like to have sex with), send an e-mail with the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com, and one random winner will receive a free year of Netflix's 3-at-a-time DVD subscription. How psyched are we on your behalf right now? Very, very psyched, for our standard contest rules apply.

And Now A Little Something For the Ladies

Mark — Mon, 21 May 2007 14:03:42 PDT

Please join us in welcoming the newest addition to the Gawker Media* family of blog-formatted web properties: Jezebel, a title just rolled out to service the needs of the vagina-having segment of the internet population, and dedicated to tarnishing the shiny objects that the Women's Magazine Industrial Complex deceives ladies into believing they desire. A snippet from their manifesto:

To put it simply, Jezebel is a blog for women that will attempt to take all the essentially meaningless but sweet stuff directed our way and give it a little more meaning, while taking more the serious stuff and making it more fun, or more personal, or at the very least the subject of our highly sophisticated brand of sex joke.

Basically, we wanted to make the sort of women's magazine we'd want to read, a magazine that would never actually see glossy paper because big-name advertisers and the publishers who kowtow to them don't much like it when you point out the vulgarity of a $2000 handbag.

Do drop by and say hello, resisting the temptation to leave inappropriate comments underneath their introductory GlamourShot.

[*Our faceless parent corporation, not that you care.]

Jezebel
The Five Great Lies Of Women's Magazines [Jezebel]
Meet The Editors [Jezebel]

Defamer Sex Poll FunTime!

Mark — Mon, 14 May 2007 13:28:41 PDT

As part of Gawker Media's ongoing attempts to better serve its ~~advertisers~~ readers by bribing them with a chance to win exciting prizes in exchange for some anonymous demographic information, we are happy to present the following Defamer FunTime Poll. Tell us a little bit about your sexual preference, submit your e-mail address (don't worry, it's not linked to your vote), and you'll be entered in a random drawing for a $250 Amazon gift certificate. Creepy? Not even a little, we're told!

[Please note that your participation in the above FunTime Poll is subject to our usual contest rules, which have recently been amended so that our boss can no longer legally harvest your fresher, healthier organs once his begin to fail.]

Some Technical Stuff You May Or May Not Care About

Mark — Fri, 13 Apr 2007 18:21:11 PDT

Just a quick note about a technical-type situation that will be going down late tonight: Due to what's being referred to as a "server move" by the home office, parts of this site (comments, links, and what-have-you) may be inaccessible or not function properly until midday-ish tomorrow, with the possibility that the whole thing might intermittently disappear during the behind-the-scenes work. Such is the cost of what we're promised is "progress."

On another (and mostly unrelated) tech-flavored note, we've been told that the very annoying layout problem that many of you have let us know about, where the side ad banner runs over into the middle of the page and blocks the text, has been fixed, but the changes might not "take hold" (our interpretation of the explanation we got) until this server business is complete.

As always, we appreciate your patience during these difficult times.

The Defamer Job Board: End The Panicked Vomiting Over Your Future Now!

Mark — Thu, 12 Apr 2007 14:17:57 PDT

Did this morning's tale of the former assistant who was once driven to vomit by her boss's cruelty hit a little too close to home, dredging up painful, bile-flavored memories of your own? Then you need a new job! The Defamer Job Board is here just in time to save you from future esophageal erosion with this week's highlights:

Your job here! Submit yours today.

Defamer Job Board

The Defamer Job Board: A Smart Alternative To Justifiable Homicide

Mark — Wed, 04 Apr 2007 14:00:59 PDT

It's a dilemma we've all faced: You hate your boss with the white-hot intensity of a thousand begrudgingly fetched caramel macchiatos, but murdering him could result in a lengthy, career-stalling jail sentence, and messily killing yourself inside his just-detailed Lexus would just give the cruel taskmaster the satisfaction that he successfully thwarted your Hollywood ambitions. You really need the Defamer Job Board right now, which features these exciting opportunities to escape the crushing bleakness of your current situation:

Your job here! Submit it today.

Defamer Commenting: This Is How We Do It

Mark — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 14:01:42 PDT

From time to time, we find it's helpful (we are here for no reason if not to serve) to remind both new readers and grizzled veterans of the comments box alike how one can gain access to the exciting and semiprivileged world of official Defamer commenters. Sound like the next few minutes of your life are going to be fun and informative? Good, because they totally are! So how does one sign up for one of those fancy commenting logins? Here's how:

The Invitation: Those who think their employment pedigree or history of dedicated tipstering merits instant inclusion in the commenting fraternity should e-mail us to request an invitation. We are silly whores easily impressed by e-mail addresses revealing one's affiliation with any of the fine studios, agencies, public relations firms, or production companies that make Hollywood such an exciting place to waste the best years of one's life in the pursuit of a near-impossible dream, and are likely to offer an invitation to anyone drawing a paycheck from within this cruel industry. Those too paranoid to ask for an invite from their work address should feel free to hide the request within a cease-or-desist letter, or use a personal webmail account that explains their fear of termination over making anonymous jokes about their employer. See, we told you: Fun!

The Audition: Those unwilling/unable to follow the above route to commenting access can go directly to the comments box following any post, choose a username and password, and leave an on-topic, funny, and/or informative "audition" comment that proves what a valuable addition you'll make to our close-knit community of people united by a paralyzing fear of Brian Grazer's enormous headshot. These try-outs will be placed in a queue for approval; if they pass, they'll appear in their intended thread on the site and you'll be able to comment at will. If they don't, they will disappear forever into the abyss where the souls of Joel Silver's "missing" former assistants dwell, and you are free to audition again at your earliest convenience. We recommend that you try something different for you subsequent auditions, as "What did Angelina Jolie ever do to you? How many babies have you saved from poverty, fuckface?" is unlikely to make the cut, even when repeated in shouty, all-caps fashion. And one more thing—keep the try-outs brief. If you find yourself about to use a period for the third time, you've probably trying too hard.

Should you require further instructions, please see this handy FAQ, which reiterates many of the fine points you've just read. We should also remind everyone that it's been far too long since we've done a public commenter cancellation, so a fresh round of executions may be in the offing. (Read: an intern is busy learning how to tie a proper noose as we speak!) But don't worry—even if you find yourself banned, reincarnation is just an anonymous audition away. We'll always take you back, because we never meant to hurt you, baby.

The Job Board: More Fun Than 300 Greased-Up Spartans!

Mark — Thu, 29 Mar 2007 14:35:07 PDT

Ahoy, job seekers! Remember when we introduced you to the brand-spanking-new Defamer Job Board, our attempt to speed along your slow march to eventual Hollywood domination? Of course you do. From time to time, we'll be spotlighting some of the listings. Just like this:

This week at Defamer Jobs:

Your job here! Submit yours today.

Introducing The Defamer Job Board: Your Soulless Climb Up The Hollywood Ladder Just Got A Little Easier

Mark — Fri, 23 Mar 2007 14:02:01 PDT

Because we realize that there are only so many staplers hurled from the hand of a displeased boss one's skull can successfully withstand before call-rolling motor functions are impaired, we're happy to introduce the Defamer Job Board, a service to help you trade in that old, abusive model for a newer, shinier, and somewhat less violence-prone superior. Listing open positions costs just $25 for 30 days, and employers are encouraged—nay, strongly encouraged—to e-mail jobshelp AT gawker DOT com to request coupon codes to help them get started on the process of hiring the person who will eventually ~~murder~~ replace them. So delete those useless old UTA joblists (we hear they cause cancer) and tell the contacts you're wasting time pretending to like over happy hour cocktails to go fuck themselves, for career salvation is a mere mouseclick away.

Defamer Job Board

Defamer Super Happy Funtime Survey Break!

Mark — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 14:08:46 PDT

Hi there! While you choke down that subpar Cobb salad at your desk, hoping that the people you're eavesdropping on during your boss's lunchtime conference call can't hear your chewing, why not multitask by participating in a totally fun survey for a chance to win a $300 Jet Blue gift card? To enter, just send an email containing the last question asked in the questionnaire to surveys@gawker.com once you're through. Did we mention it's totally fun? It totally is!

Letter From The Editor: Editor's 'Idol' Dream Alive For One More Week

Seth — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 10:14:20 PST

Those of you who tuned into last night's edition of zeitgeisty, karaoke superstar contest American Idol know that our fearless leader Mark's tireless campaigning on behalf of long shot contestant Sanjaya Malakar was not done in vain, as another dark-skinned effeminate ended up being sacrificed in his place. Unfortunately, an energized Mark emerged from the taping ready to celebrate, and three hours, and six Disaronno Sours later, poor Mark found himself staring down the shaft of a West Hollywood Sheriff's Officer's Maglite, being asked pointedly, "Why were you speeding with your Bentley Continental's headlights off, sir?" The situation only escalated when Mark responded by clumsily lifting his fist into the air, Black Panthers-style, and slur-shouted, "SANJAYA NATION! Whoo!" Miraculously, the officer on duty was also a diehard fan (in fact the two had already become acquainted in a SanjayaFans.com chat room!), and so he was let go with a warning, and a pledge to swap whatever MP3s they could get their hands on.

As for his whereabouts today, I can't really help you. But everything will be back to normal on Monday.

-Seth

Letter From The Editor: Editor Stricken By 'Idol' Pandemic

Seth — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 09:25:44 PST

Hello. This is your Defamer associate editor, just here to inform you that Mark is away today on "business," i.e. camped outside CBS Television City on Beverly Blvd. holding a large, glittery poster board reading "SANJAYA ROCKS MY WORLD!!!," eagerly anticipating attendance at tonight's American Idol elimination round. (Don't worry, Mark! Your boy's gotta be safe!) He'll be away tomorrow, as well, for an equally humiliating reason we'll hopefully come up with by then. In the meantime, I'll do everything in my power to make this as pleasant an experience as possible, short of sweet-talking you into joining me in the Air Defamer lavatory for some sky-high shenanigans. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

-Seth

Since You Asked, Yes, We Will Be Liveblogging The Oscars

Mark — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 15:12:33 PST

Because the only way we know how to watch the Academy Awards is drunk to the point of blindness on cheap champagne while pounding a laptop keyboard with clenched fists and cursing a cruel and uncaring Creator for delivering undeserved victory into the hands of the artistically bankrupt, we will be liveblogging the Oscars telecast for a third straight year, generously sharing our semicoherent, real-time expressions of despair with those who, like us, are unlucky enough not to have anything better to do on Hollywood's Biggest Night. While we've previously promised the morbid spectacle of the first-ever liveblogging suicide, we fear that if last year's Crash win couldn't drive us to slit our own throats with the shards of a Brokeback Mountain screener, the far lesser cinematic evils of this year (really, who can get that whooped up about Little Miss Sunshine or Babel?) probably won't be enough to push us over that particular edge. Still, one never knows how one might react to news that Children of Men has lost to The Black Dahlia in the cinematography category while in André's volatile, bubbly clutches, so please do drop by on Sunday evening just in case.

Previously: We Are All In This Thing Together: Liveblogging The Oscars [Defamer]
Defamer's Biggest Night: LiveBlogging The Oscars [Defamer]