Our favorite part of the clip as a whole? Letterman doesn't hesitate to a) request a closer look at Maggie's gorgeous legs, or b) attempt to hide his interest in what one does "for pain like that." We're, as always, impressed by Dave;s trademark method of wrapping perviness in a cute, toothy, smiley and lovable package.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

1) The “Collapse” That Wasn’t: First of all, who hasn’t tripped once or twice when leaving a bar? Secondly, when someone like little MK leaves a bar, she doesn’t find herself in some empty vacant parking lot — she’s surrounded by handlers, paparazzi towering something like twelve feet above her head, and maneuvering her way to a ride involves all kinds of obstacles, from curbs uneasily managed while wearing four-inch heels to flashbulbs making it nearly impossible to see where the hell she’s going. Stumbling (kind of gracefully) briefly during a clusterfuck like that does not a “collapse” make.

2) The Mythical Heath/Mary-Kate Romance Remains Purely...Mythical: We won’t point any fingers (since pointing one of those fingers at ourselves just isn’t fun), but more than a few gossips and reporters launched a baseless theory immediately following Ledger’s tragic death, that he and Olsen had been dating at the time. A few scattered clues, including his masseuse’s decision to call MK before the police, the possibility that Olsen owned the apartment Ledger had been renting, and her total silence post-tragedy, sort of suggested a possible romance. But for Star to affirmatively call the deceased Joker Mary-Kate’s “lover” is off the mark. Even if the two were in some way together, Olsen’s so-called grief arrives at an odd time; Ledger’s legend may include an Oscar come next winter, and MK is finally hitting her acting stride.

3) If Any Olsen Is Suffering Twin Envy, It’s Ashley: More than a few stories have popped up lately regarding the growing friction between Mary-Kate, who’s all but abandoned her Dualstar responsibilities for trapeeze lessons in China, and Ashley, who has so far kept up appearances as an active co-president. But everyone knows these girls have had stars in their eyes since ruining television before they could even speak. We don’t care how vehemently Ashley defends her working girl persona; need we remind her of a little role on her horizon in which she’ll partner with an ensemble cast to successfully destroy yet another Bret Easton Ellis novel by just not getting it on-screen?

[Photo credits: X17]

• BACK TO REHAB FOR MARY-KATE OLSEN? [Star]

”I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see...I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman...I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough."

As the war between actual working actress Olsen and reality trash-talker Pratt heats up, we dug up evidence that this battle has a much longer history than we thought. After the jump, the sordid high-school photo scandal that sparked the Olsen vs. Pratt battle years ago.

In the Us piece, Spencer throws a curveball into the mix by stating he and Mary-Kate didn't even attend the same high school, which is (not scientifically, by any means) actually evident on several "news" sites. But whether or not Olsen's quietly harsh comments about Pratt's soccer game hissy fits are slightly tarnished by this info, the two most certainly spent time socializing before Olsen hit her NYU hobo years and anyone on the planet knew who Pratt even was. After revisiting a Details profile on Spencer and his then-partner in crime Brody Jenner from last year, we noticed this plum detail: "the guy...will proudly tell you he made $50,000 in high school by selling a photo he took of Mary-Kate Olsen drinking at a party." One search through an Olsens fan site later turns up the picture in question, which looks less to us like evidence that MK is a "drunk" lush, and more like evidence that MK has always been the pruney-smiling party girl we've grown to know and love. Not to mention that Spencer, pictured upper left, has always been incredibly scary to look at. Team Olsen is where we remain.

[Photo credit: Olsen-Twins-News.com]

• SPENCER PRATT: ACTRESS MARY-KATE OLSEN IS THE LESS CUTE TWIN [Us]
• THE CREEP WHO MADE $50K BY SNAPPING MARY-KATE 'DRUNK' [Olsen-Twins-News]

Though we're sure Mary-Kate and Dave, evoking more chemistry as a comedy duo than Dave and Paul ever have, planned the awkward set-up in advance, Letterman's inquiry into Mary-Kate's famous high-school buddies not-so-surprisingly led to Olsen spilling the beans on Pratt's notorious "temper" while playing for her school's soccer team. According to MK, Pratt would get in violent fights with the coach and walk off the field in huffs regularly. Dave excitedly jumps in with a series of convoluted and delightful questions like, "How does someone his age get to be so oily?" and "Isn't he wormy?" Olsen, just on the verge of participating in the rant, impressively takes the high road by successfully pulling off a (funny!) non sequitur into promoting her film. Her old lady posture aside, Olsen has officially unveilied her A-game these last few weeks. If only she would come back to Weeds and save the Botwins from Mexico captivity by distracting the border guards with her hypnotizing laughing shoulder heaves, we might even throw a few buckets of red paint at PETA members in her honor.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

• The Late Show With David Letterman[CBS]

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

Dave scores his first points by feigning interest in an updated report on whatever current catfights have been set up by MTV producers between the interchangeable Hills blondes, then swiftly admitting he "has no idea" what he's talking about. But the slam dunks occur after successfully recruiting the audience to his side of the increasingly tense verbal battle, and launching into an initially innocent inquiry about rumors Pratt charges fees just to show up at nightclubs.

Pratt's decision to surpass Linda Evangelista in braggart pretension by saying (twice! and with the support of camera-ready partner in crime Heidi Montag in the green room!) he won't get out of bed for less than $100k with a straight face spurs genuine belly laughs and the classic Letterman customized-to-each-guest rebuttal: "Stop it, just stop. For a second there, I thought you actually said $100,000." But he doesn't stop there, asking Heidi if this "nonsense" is true, and pondering out loud about what kind of tricks Pratt performs to garner this fee ("bring a pony and have kids take their picture with it?"). By the time he passive-aggressively tells Spencer to get his scrawny ass and enormous head to get the fuck off his couch, Dave officially reclaims his late-night crown and reaffirms our confidence in the recently dusty goofball's improvised wizardry.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

We must say, we are beyond impressed by Dave's tactic to swiftly and smoothly make sure he doesn't have to actually talk about Sex And The City: The Movie with one of its stars, who's just trying to get the word out already. It's as simple as convincing Kristin that she's probably sick of talking about this film, and people are probably sick of hearing about it, and he's sick of having to come up with new jokes about it, so sick in fact that he's resorted to just simply calling it "shitty," and why don't they engage in some environmentally-friendly chatter about her boring solar-powered house? Which is actually more interesting than the (shocking!) fact that (no!) the movie will take place (don't tell me!) four years after the show left off. Yes, even hearing, twice, that Davis' eco house is "off the grid" is still, sadly, much more fascinating.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

Still, you don't need words to identify the sadness behind those eyes: Hardened by a million little tabloid items and passed homeroom notes, they tell the story of a childhood squandered inside a Palms hotel recording studio and countless Long Island-accent-eradication sessions, the monotony of the fame-machine only occasionally interrupted when mom smuggles in a six-pack of Seagram's Escapes and a pack of Merit Ultra Light Menthol 100s.

• Late Show

Judging by her appearance on The Late Show Friday night, Liv Tyler isn’t wasting any time moping over her recent separation from husband Royston Langdon. Showing up in a body-hugging little black silk dress, its lace top doing little to cover up cleavage, and pounds of makeup covering her typically bare face, it looks as though Tyler is taking a page from the Gwyneth Paltrow Guide To Hot Rock Moms. But does the trampy look work on Tyler? A closer look after the jump.

Tyler tried the whole vamp thing as that redheaded pin-up in One Night At McCool's, but we vastly prefer Liv as the vanilla nice girl who's way too beautiful to ever need makeup. Like her grungy, flannel-wearing Empire Records part, or really, any Aerosmith video she ever pole-danced or lap-danced her way through. This Jessica Rabbit look may nab the attention of those sidewalk schlubs below, but Liv is one of those rare actresses with the enviable capability of going out in jeans and no lipstick, still looking red-carpet ready.

[Photo credits: Splash]

• FROM ELF TO VAMP: NEWLY SINGLE LIV TYLER'S SHOCKING LOOK [Daily Mail]

Part of this easygoing showmanship comes from LaBeouf's teenage years in Echo Park, where despite being nearly the only white kid for miles, he blended in. He picked up freestyle rapping. He was, he says, "a major dozens player" at a mostly black school. Just so he could hang out with his friends, he learned how to breakdance. "It was sort of your greeting card," he says. "Like, yeah, I'm white, but I have soul."

The rest derives from what you might call family tradition: Shia's forebears include a long line of counterculture roughnecks and artistes manqués. His maternal grandfather—from whom Shia takes his name—was a comedian and Mafia barber on New York's Lower East Side, and his dad's parents were a Cajun Green Beret who drank himself to death and a beatnik lesbian who hung out with Ginsberg. This star-crossed tradition continued with his parents: Mom, a Jewish Earth Mama who sold handmade jewelry at local fairs; Dad, a Willie Nelson look-alike who was also a Vietnam vet, convicted felon, and commedia dell'arte clown. Pop was the sort who grew pot along the Santa Monica Freeway and thought of karate as a great way to meet the ladies.

Shia proved to be exactly the sort of natural-born hustler that this oddball family needed. While he was still a toddler, the LaBeoufs started something called the Snow Cone Family Circus, whose business plan was based on the notion that their Latin neighbors in Echo Park really dug hot dogs and clowns. All three LaBeoufs would dress in greasepaint and motley and run around the park improvising slapstick routines, trying to get some of the riches of the late Reagan era to trickle down their way.

Reading about the colorful characters inhabiting the various outgrowths of the LaBeouf Family Marijuana Leaf only renders Shia's unlikely journey all the more satisfying. This was no scion of an A-list Hollywood clan, plum career opportunities handed over to him along with keys to the Beemer on a silver platter. No, this was a young man who labored his way up from the notoriously difficult Echo Park vaudeville and cured meat circuit, up through the ranks of the Belmont High King Flares varsity hip-hop club, and ultimately managed to survive a stint inside the Disney Channel childhood-erasing machine, to land where he is today: Carrying blockbusters, and telling the story about the time he got so wasted, he had to change his clothes three times to buy a single pack of cigarettes—and through it all, somehow managed to still wind up in jail. This, ladies and gentleman, is a star.

• THE (HOT-DOG-VENDING, KNIFE-FIGHTING, BREAK-DANCING, SPIELBERG-WOOING) ADVENTURES OF YOUNG SHIA LABEOUF [men.style.com/gq/]

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In total fairness, we think it's now time to hear the men's side of the story, at which point we think we'll have all the evidence required to adequately draw our conclusions: That means not only an appearance by Montag's oily albino fiancé Spencer Pratt, but also Conrad's beer-bloated, recidivist ex-boyfriend, Jason Wahler. (From his MySpace profile: "Jason Wahler®'s Interests: girls, baseball, basketball, hockey, surfing, skim boardin, music, chillin, watching tv, partys. Like i said typical guy.")

• Late Show [cbs.com]

BONUS: Speaking of flashing...

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

RELATED: Stop David Letterman If You Think You've Heard This One Before (Hint: You Have)

• WATCH VIDEO

• WATCH VIDEO

Did you watch? See, totes charming, right? Now, compiled here for your convenience, are the five most interesting things we learned from that little exchange:
1) Clooney wears a robe while getting ready for bed.
2) Brittney Spears is his neighbor.
3) He has an assistant named Angel who sometimes lives in his guest house.
4) He is not afraid to grab a baseball bat and confront a robber.
5) He would make a terrible hostage negotiator.

That is all.

• Late Show With David Letterman [CBS.com]

In this case, Judy was asked (probably not so politely) by the production team of Traveling to dye her hair red so audiences in Iowa wouldn't get her character confused with leading lady Jennifer Aniston. As ridiculous as that notion (and request) was, Judy Greer is a trouper and, of course, went for it. And we're here to let Judy know that it could've been worse. Think of it this way ... at least you weren't digitally bazoomed!

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

In this clip, watch the former model's masterful skills of desperately convincing Dave and his audience that she's totally hot, no matter how asexually rugged she appears in the photos in question. Our favorite moment comes when Dave flashes the mag's cover, featuring Madonna in one of her newly standard crotch-flashing poses, and Brooke says under her breath, "I didn't get the cover...I think I'm a little bit of competition inside." Yes, Brooke, those shots of you looking like a cross between Annie Lennox and Jamie Lee Curtis really do give Madge a run for her money.

• LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [CBS]

Whether she's introducing her audience to the magic of whiskey sours, or waxing enthusiastic about her love of vodka to Mer, or simply listing every single drink imaginable to poor perplexed Dave (um, did she really just say "wine spitzer"? We knew she had a funny bone, but among all the Luv Guv-related scandalicious terminology thrust at us from every media outlet we tune in to, that's gotta top our lists), Martha is no longer just the Queen of napkin-folding and flower arrangements. We're hiring her to bartend our next birthday party.

• THE MARTHA STEWART SHOW [Official Site]

Still, you can't expect him to do the necessary homework, as became painfully obvious grilling The Hills star L.C. Conrad last night about her career accomplishments. Armed with only a 5x7 cue card bearing topical keywords ("Laguna," "Spencer," "Teen Vogue," "Frenemies," etc.), Letterman fumbled through the dialogue like an ornery convention attendee desperately trying to find common ground with the three-diamond escort/aspiring stylist whose services he'd secured for the night.

• Late Show

As Letterman's clip gruesomely shows, Rinna not only goofed by congratulating Adams on her Oscar nomination this year (c'mon, even our aunt in Sacramento with no cable knows who was nominated!), but also had no recollection of Amy's nom two years ago for her role in Junebug. Which delightfully reminds us of one of our favorite Defamer clips so far this year, in which Rinna and her shoved-together silicone enhancements cackled along with Casey Affleck on the SAGs carpet. From asking him a very important question regarding what kind of gum he was chewing, to forming her "questions" in the style of "So, I just watched two of your movies, which one do ya think I watched first?", we're left with a teary revolutionary need to form a petition to get Joan back on the air, stat.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [Official Site]