Defamer: David Blaine

Papa Joe Simpson: Hollywood's Least Valuable Player

Molly Friedman — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:30:00 PDT

We have a feeling that, were there a group of deadbeat dads out in Glendale (a la those Dina Lohan-lovin' freaks out East) who got drunk enough one day to form a Totally Awesome Dads Association (TADA!), they would most likely celebrate their first-year anniversary by handing out their Bud Light-drenched award for Father Of The Year to Papa Joe Simpson. Why? Well, as we already know, the former minister-turned-dadager managed to pimp out a few mind-numbingly boring exclusive wedding pictures featuring most annoyingly faux-punk new marrieds on the planet, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz, to People a few weeks back. But what we didn’t know was that, at the same time, Simpson was allegedly attempting to sell off his other daughter Jessica — not to the tabloids, but to then-boyfriend Tony Romo. See the astonishing managing skills this guy has? But he reportedly wasn’t stopping at selling off his daughter — he was also said to be pressuring the quarterback to sign a client/manager agreement and become one of the magically successful Simpson Family Players:

In a move we simply cannot fathom, Papa Joe actually attempted to steal Romo away from his longtime sports agent and agree to sign a contract with him for a reported $67.5 million. As every single character on Lost has said myriad times..."WHAT?" This guy used to be a Texas minister, realized his daughters had great racks and decent smiles, threw out his Jesus Fish stickers, and marketed them to the pop industry. A few reality shows and plastic surgery sessions later, the Simpson girls are still wallowing dangerously close to the D-List. And simply because he's a Cowboys fan, Joe hand-selects his favorite player to date his pouty daughter by luring him in with her push-up bras and even poutier lips. Inevitably, Romo realizes the great rack only goes so far when all Jessica really does is screw him over on Game Day (and not in the good way), so Joe has the nerve to, essentially, ask Tony to pay him money for the pleasure of schtupping his daughter? We think there's a word for this, and that word is gall.

[Photo credit: Popcrunch]

JESSICA SIMPSON'S DAD ATTEMPTS TO SELL 'ENGAGEMENT', ENRAGES TONY ROMO [Us]

David Blaine Grills Kevin Spacey On 'The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled'

Douglas Reinhardt — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:30:00 PDT

boomp3.com

Magician/performance artist David Blaine cornered The Usual Suspects star Kevin Spacey at a William Morris party in New York City on Monday night. Spacey started off the conversation by asking about Blaine's most recent stunt, but Blaine immediately shifted the conversation to the film The Usual Suspects. Blaine explained that he had seen The Usual Suspects over fifteen times and still hasn't been able to fully wrap his head around the concept of Spacey's character being the infamous Keyser Soze. Spacey chuckled slightly and went on to explain how his character turned out to be the criminal mastermind. Blaine paused for a moment, then said he may have to sit down for a while because his mind had just been blown.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

David Blaine's 'A-Ha' Moment Comes After 17th Oxygen-Deprived Minute

Seth — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:10:00 PDT

Extreme endurance artist David Blaine has certainly stunned the world before with his well-publicized stunts—from spending three weeks journeying through an (unfortunately impacted) Blue Whale's digestive system, to the time he was flash-frozen inside a block of carbonite atop the Arc de Triomphe. But it was the seemingly simplest of tasks that eluded him: breaking the world record for breath-holding, previously held by a centenarian fisherman from Tanzania rumored by villagers to have been sired by a frog. All that changed today on The Oprah Winfrey Show of all places, where the low-talking illusionist was deprived of oxygen for an amazing 17 minutes and 4 seconds. We've included video of the final two, during which an increasingly agitated Oprah grips the thigh of the monitoring physician beside her, asking reasonable enough questions along the lines of, "OK, his eyes just crossed, his skin turn blue, and he slowly floated to the surface. Is that considered a bad sign?"

Oprah.com

The Force Is Strong In This Nerd Screaming At Briefcases

Seth — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 18:00:19 PDT

· We think we have a worthy successor to the Star Wars Holiday Special for the most blasphemous use of the property, like, ever. That said, that Darth Banker's a hard-ass, isn't he? $49,000? But there's five large amounts still left in play—including the million! [Deal or No Deal]
· "Organizers of a major California music festival are offering a $10,000 reward and four festival tickets for life in exchange for ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters' two-story inflatable pig." [Reuters]
· David Blaine will try to break the 17-minute world record for breath holding on The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is fine and all, but it's no Criss Angel mindfreaking her brains out. [AP]
· Her new six-hour-a-day workout regimen sometimes requires that Britney Spears walk around the gym wearing nothing but a towel. [Daily Mail]
· Paramount takes a heavy swig of the Blu-Ray Kool-Aid (which, oddly enough, tastes like raspberry with a slightly bitter after-taste). [THR]

The always-surprising, always-annoying David ...

Molly Friedman — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 12:55:00 PDT

The always-surprising, always-annoying David Blaine plans on staying awake for 13 days for his next "stunt," and Keith Richards has some anecdotal advice for him. As Richards' latest bout of playing Dr. Phil proves, Blaine's newest idea isn't so original; Keef already decided to see what would happen by forcing himself not to sleep for 9 consecutive days back in the '70s. As Richards told the SF Gate, "On the ninth day...I fell asleep and crashed headfirst into a JVC speaker, smashing my nose apart. I just lay there and let it bleed. It was a chemical thing." While we're sure these rocker words of wisdom won't deter Blaine's masterful and magical plans, we do suggest he avoids snorting ashes and takes Keith's advice to nose-proof whatever fish tank he envisions pulling this off inside of. [SF Gate]

Short Ends: Lohan Still Defiantly Anti-Panty

Mark — Fri, 17 Nov 2006 18:28:59 PST

· Because we know you'd never speak to us again if we let a paparazzi photo of Lindsay Lohan's not-so-elusive naughty bits go by without a link, here you go (NSFW). We hope you feel just as dirty as we do.
Soggy illusionist/modelizer David Blaine plans on staging his next feat of incredible endurance with the help of Michael Jackson, with Blaine locking himself inside a 10-foot-by-10-foot Lucite box with Jackson, five Make-a-Wish kids, and a case of cheap wine for a week. Blaine is not expected to survive the stunt.
OJ Simpson's lawyer cordially invites the Goldmans to try and get their share of his client's Big Book Of How I Would Have Stabbed My Ex-Wife And Her Lover To Death money, but denies that the Juice has a secret place where's he's going to hide his cut.
Being a nerd desperate for one of the first PS3 systems is more dangerous than you'd think.
UCLA students: "Don't taser us!" Sure, now they say it.

Short Ends: We're Never Getting Rid Of David Copperfield

Mark — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 20:30:16 PDT

David Copperfield claims that he's found the Fountain of Youth in the Bahamas, meaning that not even the normal human birth-death cycle can now free us from an eternity of TV specials centered around lame illusions involving the "disappearance" of various landmarks. Just don't let anyone tell David Blaine, OK? Nobody wants to see how long he can hold his breath while submerged in that shit.
There is perhaps no better footwear for kicking your friends in the balls than Converse's new Jackass model sneaker Unless you're trying to sterilize your buddies, in which case some steel-toed Timberlands will do a pretty nice job.
The Daily Gut makes the bold prediction that by December, Ashlee Simpson will have had enough plastic surgery to finally release the inner camel she's been trying to free for years.
Maybe Paris Hilton's vagina is only going for $10 on eBay because she announced she's not going to use it for a year.

BlaineWatch: A Soggy Magician Slowly Regains His Strength

Mark — Wed, 10 May 2006 13:43:34 PDT

It's an incredible relief to discover that despite the many physical problems that David Blaine incurred in failing to set the coveted breath-holding record, the part of his brain regulating the release of vital attention-whoring neurochemicals was unaffected by his extended stay in that flooded hamster ball.

Ailments not covered in the above headline: Rashes and blisters from sunburn, oil-stripped skin, complete inability to enter a pet store without collapsing in a paroxysm of grief in the aquarium aisle.

Blaine's Hands, Feet Return to Normal [ABC News]

David Blaine Holds Breath For A Pretty Long Time

Mark — Tue, 09 May 2006 10:56:06 PDT

By now we're sure that you know that despite the reassuring presence of a small army of medical personnel and a personal drowning coach at the side of his waterball, magician David Blaine failed to set the world breath-holding record on last night's live television special, David Blaine: Sopping Wet Attention Whore, falling nearly two minutes short of his goal. But through the magic of internet video, you can experience those claustrophobic, waterlogged seven minutes and eight seconds again this morning, free of the tension that at any moment a giant ping pong ball might crash into his dramatically lit fishbowl, followed by God's arm reaching down from the sky to claim his hard-won carnival prize.