Defamer: Charts

Screenwriter Agency-Hopscotch For Visual Learners

Seth — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:25:00 PDT

Were you, like us, rendered an incapacitated, drooling mess after trying to slog through Variety's report on the agency-defection madness currently gripping the screenwriting trade? Perhaps you are simply a visual learner, in which case we've drafted for you a handy pictorial guide to the recent comings and goings of the Bedhopping Six. (We managed to find photos of all them, save the Google Image-shy husband-wife team of Cormac and Marianne Wibberley, the National Treasure writers instead represented by Nicolas Cage wielding a torch inside Mt. Rushmore's Teddy Roosevelt nostril.)

And why the sudden case of itchy feet? Posits Variety:

Writers and their agents say that the post-writers strike and pre-actors strike funk has ramped up agency raiding of rival clients...Add in stress-inducing factors — expected post-strike writing assignments that never materialized; studios squeezing quotes on the few jobs that do exist; studios having filled out slates through 2009; and the lack of greenlights until a SAG deal is in place — and the combination is a perfect storm of anxiety that has made talent, writers included, particularly susceptible to sweet talk from other agents.

Or maybe they're just promiscuous rep-sluts, in dire of a Dr. Drew® Intervention™.

Top Hollywood scribes making moves [Variety]

Jessica Alba, By The Numbers: Rotten To The Core

Mark Graham — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 14:51:32 PST

Our first indication that something might be awry with Jessica Alba's career came not when that guy on TRL told her that getting pregnant was "Not cool, dude", but rather when we saw the one-sheet for her new movie, The Eye. While certainly a captivating Photoshop job (ish), we found it fairly bizarre that Lionsgate would choose NOT to use the beautiful visage of one of the most lusted-after actresses in the world to promote their film. But then we did some research on Rotten Tomatoes and realized something very important. Save for fanboy fave Sin City, no one really seems to have liked any of the films she's starred in.

While it cannot be argued that Jessica Alba has appeared in a couple of box office successes since graduating from the small screen (namely, the Fantastic Four franchise), it can be argued that these few bright spots had little to nothing to do with Miss Alba's acting chops or on-screen charisma and everything to do with the existing popularity of the material in question. As for the fate of The Eye, well, it sure looks like Lionsgate is gonna have their hands full now that Hannah Montana is on the scene. Don't fret, Jessica — there's always prosethetics!

Rotten Tomatoes

The Venn Diagram Guide To Talk-Show Beards

Mark — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 14:25:12 PST

Easily the biggest news that came out of Wednesday's mass return to the airwaves by late-night's long-sidelined talk-show hosts was the unexpected appearance of David Letterman and Conan O'Brien's competing Strike Beards, a solidarity-signifying facial hair trend so hot that the clean-shaven visages of Jay Leno and Jimmy Kimmel now seem to indicate a conspicuous lack of support for the hosts' still-picketing writing staffs. (The embattled Carson Daly, we've been told, plans to smash his trusty Norelco electric shaver on his next show in an attempt to prove his commitment to the WGA cause, no matter how unflattering the resulting patchy growth may be.)

To help sort out the potentially confusing intersections of last night's bearded/unbearded and writer-having/writer-free developments in the brave new world of late-night TV (a situation complicated by Craig Ferguson's stunt-beard), Losanjealous has composed this handy Venn diagram, which should get you completely up to speed at a single glance.

Reader Picks '08: The Late Night Beard Battle [Losanjealous]

Jessica Simpson's Career In Retrograde and Other Celebrity Astrological Predictions for the Coming Year

jgrode — Wed, 26 Dec 2007 12:12:56 PST

Antipodean charlatan-to-the-stars Teymara Antonio-Wright has released her star predictions for 2008, drawing upon the prognostigatory powers of Jupiter's relation to Orion's belt buckle to forecast what the coming year has in store for Dannielynn Birkhead. You can't make this stuff up. A quick pick from the passel over at ETOnline:

LINDSAY LOHAN:
"She's still in a very up-and-down period of time, through July of next year. Now this up-and-down period of time is going to create a lot of different emotional upheavals for her. She needs a lot of support around her."

An instance of the insight one can only glean from reading the stars. Or Star.

TOM CRUISE & KATIE HOLMES:
"They are real soulmates," she says of the IT couple. "And I'm telling you now, she ain't no pushover. She's a very, very strong little lady. She's got a very, very powerful chart. And I see another baby. And I seem to feel around them another girl. He's got the chart of an absolutely amazing, amazing father."

Thanks for that utter, utter piffle that your shameless, shameless editors decided to run on this slow, slow news day.

MARIE OSMOND:

"Marie Osmond — what an amazing chart she has. She's a here for a particular reason on the planet.

Yes. It's called evolution. (Don't tell her.)

ROSIE O'DONNELL:
"2008 is the year of her doing a lot of questions, 'Who am I really and what am I really here to do?'

Thankfully, Rosie maintains a blog that handily answers these questions:

who am i?
what am i here to do?
cupcakes are yummy
pressing the keyboard makes letters appear
writing is hard
but only if you think before you write
2008
a year to celebrate rosie
and talk about rosie
and be rosie
i'm going to like 2008
oh look, the episode of friends where they switch apartments is on

[Photo: Getty Images]

Star Predictions for 2008! [ETOnline]