Well-Manicured Claws Come Out In Hollywood Catfight Explosion

Denise Richards Has Integrity

Denise Richards Wants Not One Drop Of Charlie Sheen's Prostitute- Tranny- Infested Man-Seed

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

"Last week, I sent Charlie a text message asking him if he's going to Family Day [for daughter Sam's school] and letting him know Sam was sick with a cold," Richards said. "His response was, 'I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore.' My mom died of cancer. This is what I deal with on a weekly basis. [...]

Denise Richards Augmenting Paltry $25 million Divorce Settlement With Hefty E! Payday

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

But, "Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support," a Sheen insider fumed. "Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can't?"

Denise Richards Deconstructs A Love Gone Sour For Larry King

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Charlie Sheen Is A 'C. MaSheen' When It Comes To Hookers

Charlie Sheen and Friends Chip in to Help Ruin SAG Boss's Weekend

While most of the civilized world enjoyed an early-spring weekend about town, SAG president and press warlord Alan Rosenberg practiced his saber-rattling in anticipation of upcoming labor negotiations with the studios. Despite reaching out to AFTRA to rejoin them in talks starting tomorrow, such token detente couldn't mitigate Rosenberg's resistance pledged against everyone from mutinous actors like Kevin Bacon and Charlie Sheen to penny-pinching producers. And at least one high-powered, face-saving source is urging the union to stand down or face certain doom.

How does Rosenberg keep it all straight? The same way we do: One enemy at a time.

Denise Richards Unsurprisingly Voted 'Worst Bond Girl' Of All Time

Denise Richards Only Trying To Give Her Children The Reality TV Opportunities She Never Had

Charlie Sheen and ex-wife/mortal enemy Denise Richards were back in family court yesterday, arguing behind closed doors over Richards's decision to expose her life, and the lives of her young children, to reality show cameras. From the EOnline.com report:

Sheen arrived at the Los Angeles courthouse with his attorney, while Richards' legal camp participated by phone.

Variety Salutes Charlie Sheen's Sitcom Conquests

If you didn't thumb through today's Variety, you missed a chance to share in the trade paper's rousing salute to Two and a Half Men's 100th episode (nothing says, "Fuck you, disapproving TV critics tragically out of touch with America's lowbrow sitcom tastes!" like hitting triple digits), an issue featuring enough congratulatory advertising to fund Charlie Sheen's cheerleader-themed Real Doll hobby well into the next century.

Charles And The Real Girl

Providing a light-hearted respite from recent unpleasant revelations about Charlie Sheen's propensity to send strongly worded, less-than-affirming e-mails (you remember, the ones about the cancer and the "sad, jobless pigs" ) to his ex-wife, Rush & Molloy recounts how a Two and a Half Men joke involving an inflatable doll reminds them of a funny little story about Sheen's real-life misadventures with the finest mail-order cheerleader mannequin money can buy:

Sheen also knows something about this subject. A few years back, we're told, he bought a $6,000 anatomically correct latex girl dressed in a cheerleader's outfit. According to an insider, Sheen was quite open about the doll — even bringing it to the set of his old show "Spin City."

Charlie Sheen's Body Covered In Multiple Stupid Tattoos

Charlie Sheen, author of the "go cry to your bald mom" e-mail suggesting his ex-wife Denise Richards might have more luck extracting sympathy from her cancer-suffering mother than from him, is painfully familiar with the sometimes irreversible consequences of indulging one's impulses. Luckily for him, however, lasers can remove the patchwork of ridiculous tattoos covering his body, as requested by fiancée Brooke "I'd rather not have to stare at Puff the Bookish Dragon every time we make love, honey" Mueller. From Page Six:

Sheen, who spent his early years partying hard and bedding a bevy of actresses, doesn't remember getting some of the gruesome tats, including a dragon with glasses and a stingray on his left ankle.

Charlie Sheen Hate E-Mails To Denise Richards Reveal A Fondness For Words 'Jobless' and 'Pig'

The rare olive branch in the ongoing Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce came in an e-mail dated Aug. 24, when, according to court documents, Sheen apologized for a wide array of regrettable remarks he made about his ex-wife and her family, including "a comment about your poor Mom," "your abilities as a mother," and "my pigheaded assertion that you pressed the button that detonated the second tower." Fox411 has revisited the papers to find what, exactly, was contained in those enraged correspondences he so desperately wishes he could unsend:

On Aug. 22, Sheen wrote to the mother of his children: "You are a pig. A sad, jobless pig who is sad and talentless and, um, oh yeah, sad and jobless and evil and a bad mom, so go [expletive] yourself, sad, jobless pig."

Charlie Sheen No Longer Wants To Shoot Talentless Ex-Wife Denise Richards Into Space

Yet more from the ongoing custody battle between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, which began as a shame-free environment, and has quickly degenerated from there: Richards has now employed a former nanny to make several nauseating allegations about Sheen inappropriately touching his daughters. Not that he's all bad: She also acknowledges that Charlie has made an effort at mending fences, particularly with the following retraction:

In an Aug. 24 e-mail, he apologized for "[my] vile attacks on your very soul ... A comment about your poor Mom ... your professional status ...

Charlie Sheen Points To His Popular Semen As Proof Of His Competent Child Rearing Skills

Highest paid pom-pom-fetishist in television Charlie Sheen appeared in family court yesterday, defending himself against ex-wife Denise Richards, who sought to have overnight visits with their toddler-aged children revoked. As evidence, she once again warned the judge that they could be irreversibly scarred after stumbling onto his now well-known stash of bookmarked pep squad internet porn pages:

[Sheen] fought back yesterday after Richards, mother of his two toddler daughters - Sam, 3, and Lola, 2 - asked a judge to prevent the kids from staying at his house anymore, and not to let him have his own nanny. [...]

Charlie Sheen Claims Denise Richards Asked Him For One More Bouncing, Baby Bargaining Chip

If you were under the impression that Charlie Sheen's recent betrothal meant that his ugly and very public divorce from Denise Richards was finalized, you'd be mistaken, as there are still a great many unresolved matters of asset division and child custody between the warring couple. There are also unlikely glimmers of reconciliation, however, as Sheen now claims he has documented proof that Richards wanted to conceive a third child with the actor even after she discovered the ugly, trampolining-cheerleader truth. From People.com:

"There was a request for a donation," Sheen, who is now engaged to Brooke Mueller, tells TV's Entertainment Tonight, as reported on the Web site for its sister show, The Insider.

· Charlie Sheen is off the market again, a development that could have serious economic ramifications for local escorts specializing in pom-pom play.
· We never thought we'd say this, but if Scary Hollywood Lawyer Marty Singer prevents us from having to see Nick Lachey's o-face, he's truly doing the Lord's work.
· TVWeek's TCA blog brings us the Cocaine-Related Valerie Bertinelli Quote of the Day.
· What can a renter do when his eastside neighbor poops too loudly? Curbed L.A. tries to find an answer.

Zach Braff Joins The Charlie Sheen Club