Chace is cheerfully reeling off the indictments against him. "Model turned actor, dime a dozen, eye candy, doesn't know what he's doing ... and Perez Hilton says I have 'gayface.' So on top of everything else, I have to overcome gayface."

Somewhere, we hear America Ferrera rolling her eyes! We ask you, could a unicorn overcome its horn? Could a sun overcome its shine? Chace, kiddo, it's that "gayface" that got you where you are today. You don't disown it. You pull an American Eagle cap down over it, take it to Splash, and use it to rake in free appletinis until the bartender shouts "Last call!"

• OMFG! IT'S THE GOSSIP BOYS! [Details]

First, a closer look at the "sexy" ads in question, which include pull-quotes suggesting just how much closer potential viewers will get to the cool kids' table. Watching this show is so dangerous! Your parents will have nightmares just thinking about the (sort of) short skirts Blair wears! Do the nasty!

Sadly, progressively heightening a show's sex appeal with ever-so-slightly hotter ads might not be the wisest move. After Buffy got the shove-off to the vintage UPN, Sarah Michelle Gellar was photographed posing in that trademark Cosmo cover stance, suggestively, maybe, possibly, on the verge of masturbation. One season later, and the series' ashes lived on in that icky spin-off Angel. As for Beverly Hills: 90210, the standard smiley group shot used in promos rarely veered far off course. But once Season 10 wheezed its final pointless breath, Donna and her new boobs sat front and center, Kelly was forced to be groped by New Brandon Replacement #47, and Steve Sanders was permitted to play "sexy" while raising a risqué, black denim-clad leg around New Brenda Replacement #287. And the poor OC decided that turning Marissa into a lesbian wasn't quite sordid enough, so the previously wholesome ads ended, along with the series, with uber-tanned Mischa pushing whatever boobage she had together in the sand, while Ryan appeared ready to give her the old in-and-out from behind (Chino-style!).

Oops. After the sight of Rachel and Monica passionately making out giving each other a friendly peck failed to increase ratings for Dirt, some genius thought the image of Courteney Cox covered in actual dirt (get it?!) would do the trick. But rather than getting new viewers all hot and bothered, everyone just felt, well, dirty (get it?! Sigh.) Finally, the recently canceled L Word used a rather obvious promotional image by shoving all the chic lipstick lesbians together in one big ol' nude orgy party. The problem with this image? See the previous sentence (specifically, the "canceled" part).

• OMG! CHECK OUT THE SEXY NEW 'GOSSIP GIRL' ADS! [People]

Though the Gossip Girl pretty boy has already doused gossip pages with gay rumors, Willis was allegedly gung-ho about grabbing the goldilock-ed birthday boy's attention. But instead of smartly following in his co-star Blake Lively's footsteps and donning a trustworthy bikini inspired by her own mother, Rumer thought a pair of her "shortest jean shorts" and impressive dance floor shenanigans would do the trick. Sadly, sources say Crawford was less interested in both her and Z-lister Brittny Gastineau's forays in conversion tactics: "He wouldn't give her the time of day." A sad moment indeed, but we do suggest Willis try her method out on Crawford's partner in fruitini-drinking crime JC Chasez, who, judging from our tipster's report months back, is much more interested in hiding his sexual preferences behind cabana doors.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]

• WOMEN COMPETING FOR CHACE CRAWFORD AT HIS BIRTHDAY [NYP]

boomp3.com

The Gossip Girl star kept a low profile waiting to meet with a mysterious friend in New York City. Crawford was reported to be humming the choruses of popular *NSYNC songs while killing time. After a half hour or so, Crawford had grown visibly impatient and decided to leave. Crawford told one of the photogs that if you're not going to be able to meet up for coffee, then you should at least hit somebody up on their beeper, so they can rearrange their life accordingly. Geez!

[Photo Credit: INF]

JC: Lets clear that up real quickly and the thing is, we don't even get to hang out that much. We are friends, absolutely, the guy is a super nice guy and he's a friend of mine but you know the only time people would usually see us together is in some type of photograph so they just assume that it's like that. You know people hang out with their best friends every day...

DJ: Well you've been with some of the hottest chicks in the world so as soon as I heard that story yesterday I was like come on. But then it was like you were in a cabana together... JC: That part is actually completely made up.

DJ: That you weren't in the cabana and he was like on all fours and you were rubbing oil all over his back. A couple of buddies hanging out, putting lotion on each other.
JC: That part of it is completely made up.

DJ: Really?
JC: I mean we weren't even at...from what I hear they say we were at the Roosevelt or something. I haven't been to the Roosevelt since the Grammys when I went and saw Mark Ronson play.

DJ: That's not what I heard, I heard you were at the Roosevelt doing yoga poses and he performed a two-finger mexican oil change on you JC.
JC: Not even close.

As we try, unsuccessfully, to wipe the image of a "two-finger Mexican oil change" from our consciousness (what does that even involve, we wonder, and do they try to upsell you to a new fanbelt and air filter?), we turn back to our high-level informant for a response, who says, "Sorry I cant make this more interesting, but I stand by it with no further comment." Conveniently coinciding with news that Crawford and Carrie Underwood are officially "dunzo," however, the rendezvous still leads us to wonder if this entire romance isn't being staged by The CW's wily marketing department in time for Gossip Girl's premiere next month. It's a theory that will all but be confirmed the first time we hear an announcer say, "This episode of Gossip Girl brought to you by Jiffy Lube: Have you had your oil changed by a two-fingered Mexican today?"

• JC Insists He's Not Gay [hollyscoop.com]

Spotted at the Roosevelt pool, Friday PM:

Pretty boy Chace Crawford darting to the bar from a private cabana. No one seemed to notice but upon further inspection, there was quite the little boys party going in the cabana—JC Chasez hiding out and Chace running around getting drinks. The two were in very different bathing suits—JC in his DG mankini and Chace in his best hetero pair of boardshorts—and later changed into a casual jeans & t-shirt look.

Before jumping to conclusions about what it means for two handsome young men to share a poolside cabana with some of their best bros, and all the mutual lotion-application that implies, we'd caution instead that nothing in this scenario should necessarily arouse any further suspicions. We're reminded of those timeless words uttered by Judah Friedlander's 30 Rock character Frank Rossitano, who, possessed by a peculiar hetero-crush on the office coffee boy, justified his increasingly desperate come-ons by explaining, "We're just two straight guys who want to enjoy each other's bodies!"

Bonus Gossip Gay Link: A male cast member will be revealed to be gay in the new season, premiering April 21. This could be the most ambitious viral marketing campaign in network history!

• Gossip Girl [The CW]