In an Aug. 24 e-mail, he apologized for "[my] vile attacks on your very soul ... A comment about your poor Mom ... your professional status ...

... your abilities as a mother, as an actor, all need to be wrapped in shame, and rocketed out into some distant soundless galaxy, where they could flame out."

Let it not be said that Sheen hasn't offered at least one olive branch through these bitterly contentious proceedings, having taken back his wishes that his ex and her limited acting talent be fated to the kinds of severe punishment usually reserved for irredeemable Superman II villains.

• More confessions of 'Video Vixen' Karrine Steffans [NY Daily News]

[Sheen] fought back yesterday after Richards, mother of his two toddler daughters - Sam, 3, and Lola, 2 - asked a judge to prevent the kids from staying at his house anymore, and not to let him have his own nanny. [...]

Sheen said yesterday, "During the 18 months before my request to select my own child-care provider, not a single complaint was made or received regarding the welfare of the children while under the care of myself and/or Brooke.

"Brooke and I remain committed to the task at hand. These unlawful and diabolical accusations will not distract us from the focus of our resolve. Shortly before unleashing her attack, Ms. Richards asked for another baby via a sperm donation, after her divisive attempts at a reconciliation behind Brooke's back failed. She was flat-out rejected.

Sadly, our silent Jewish New Year prayers that this most bitter of Hollywood breakups would find a peaceful and workable resolution have not been answered. As for the vanquisher of this latest battle, if Sheen can prove his outrageous assertions that Richards rang the new couple's doorbell to sweetly request a cup of her ex's manbatter, we doubt any judge would grant the increasingly batshit-seeming Richards her nanny-banning requests.

• Charlie Sheen & Denise Richards: It's war! [NY Daily News]

Our Statement

We (James and Jenna) need to announce that we have chosen to separate. We are sorry for any pain this causes family and friends. The enthusiasm we have expressed for each other's lives, spirits, and careers is real - we have been each other's cheerleader and friend during the past six years and continue to be so now and in the future.

And a special note for our MySpace fans - We appreciate your support over the years, and would be overjoyed to have you continue supporting us both. You might be tempted to make one of us "feel better" by putting the other one down in a post. Please don't - we still have the utmost respect for one another, and we'd have to delete you. We aren't taking questions or doing interviews about this particular aspect of our lives. We're also avoiding reading any press on the subject, so don't send us any clippings or links about the split. Thank you in advance for respecting our privacy.

The condolences have already begun to pour in from the concerned citizens of MySpace, who seemed utterly blindsided by the sad turn of events. Certainly a recently released NBC promo in which The Office's characters shared their summer plans seemed to give little indication: It offered up a beaming Pam, Jim finally hers for the taking, talking of letting "her hair down." Skillful acting? Or informed by the sweet release of a personal emancipation? Perhaps we shall never know, yet one thing is for certain: Hope springs eternal for America's Pam-pining geekdom.

• Pam/Jenna [MySpace]

"I have not seen or spoken to my daughter since early June and I have no prospect of speaking to her anytime soon due to Whitney's actions," Brown declared in Orange County Superior Court filings released last week.

During a court hearing in April, Houston testified that Brown was "unreliable" and that she didn't need spousal or child support.

Brown disputes her claim, saying he's been involved in their daughter's life and was her primary caretaker when the couple lived in Atlanta.

When Houston moved to Orange County to undergo drug rehabilitation, Brown said he paid about $10,000 for his wife and daughter to stay at a posh hotel.

"At the same time, I basically lived out of my car," Brown said.

Although it seems cruel that he wants to confront Bobbi Kristina more regularly with the sad truth of her DNA, the important question remains: Without him in her life, who will probe her doodie bubbles? Is he paranoid about competition in that department from the spindly digits of absentee prospective stepfather Osama bin Laden? If so, don't sweat it, Bobby. That dude seems squeamish.

• Houston, Brown in custody battle [abcnews.com]

"It's unfair when one person's career is taking off and the other is really suffering," the 36-year-old actor tells AMC's "Shootout" in an interview slated to air Sunday.

"What happens it's not that they're jealous of each other; it's that the person you share your life with isn't in the mood to support," Hawke says. "You want to have a pity party for yourself, but they're off to the Golden Globes and you don't want to go because everyone is going to think you are jealous."

While Hawke will undoubtedly weather some harsh critiques for copping to a stinginess of awards-show spirit, we again must applaud the rare glimpse inside the mind of a deeply insecure—i.e. perfectly normal—movie star. It's not, as it turns out, a matter of being jealous of a more lauded spouse, but rather of being perceived as jealous—a fine, but crucial, distinction. If only more celebrities were this forthcoming with their feelings, perhaps we could avoid further tragedies like the overcompensating smothering of Reese Witherspoon by then-husband Ryan Phillippe at the 2006 Golden Globes.

• Hawke: Not Easy Being in Celeb Marriage [AP]

• Spears' Assistant Served by Federline [AP]

"There was a request for a donation," Sheen, who is now engaged to Brooke Mueller, tells TV's Entertainment Tonight, as reported on the Web site for its sister show, The Insider.

"Without getting into it here," the The Two and a Half Men Emmy nominee, 41, tells ET's Mark Steines, "there is a specific document relating to this that I am going to reserve for a court."

Asked if he would take this alleged offer from Richards seriously, Sheen replies: "I would sooner, in exactly what I'm wearing, walk on the surface of the moon. Does that answer it?"

Because the couple has never met a tabloid TV anchor or gossip columnist they felt couldn't help them work through their disastrous personal issues, Richards was quick to rebut the outrageous claim in yesterday's Page Six, and Sheen has already countered her denial by stating that he has possession of "something she wrote would completely and totally defy that." Still, the entire matter might simply be the result of Sheen reading a little too much into one clause in Richards' settlement proposal, mistakenly assuming she specifically sought a sperm donation in the paragraph detailing her demands for literally half of everything Sheen owns, "including, but not limited to, the party's organs, bodily expulsions, abstract thoughts, and Jet-Ski collection."

• Charlie Sheen Says Denise Wants His Next Baby [People]

It's amazing [Spears' lawyer] was able to get a 50/50 custody split given Brit's craziness, which included wild partying, erratic behavior and a stint in rehab. This type of custody arrangement is typically reserved for a stable couple.

But all is not over! We're told neither Brit nor Fed-Ex are happy with the custody arrangement, and either of them can go back to court and ask for a change. On top of that, Kevin won't even speak to Spears, so they will probably be back in court asking the judge to make decisions about child rearing.

• Britney & K-Fed Officially Kaput [TMZ.com]
• Britney 'breaks custody terms' [news24.com]

In documents filed in L.A. Superior Court, Laffoon accuses Heche of taking a number of items - including the master bed and yoga-room rugs - from the L.A. home they share. (Under the terms of a judge's temporary order, they alternate use of the house while Heche is in Los Angeles.) [...]

Laffoon also alleges that when he returned to the home July 1 and found the furniture missing, he also "discovered that [Heche] had gone into my closet and ripped the buttons off of 19 of my shirts and removed some of my pants."

Heche denies any wrongdoing, insisting the items either never existed or were hers to begin with, and convincingly feigned complete ignorance when presented with a copy of the Xeroxed flyer still stapled to many telephone poles around the neighborhood, reading, "DIVORCE BLOWOUT YARD SALE AT CASA HECHE! YOGA-ROOM RUGS, POKER TABLE, MY USELESS EX-HUSBAND'S PANTS, BAG O' BUTTONS. EVERYTHING MUST GO!!!"

• Anne Heche, Coley Laffoon Battle Over Furniture [People.com]

Tom Waits summed it up well: "Come down off the cross, We can use the wood". I concur.

Anyone remember the end of Broadcast News? ... William Hurt's character uses tears to promote himself and further his career

It absolutely pisses me off beyond belief to have my character assassinated in public and I'd really like to fight back. The truth is that Kathy will always have the last word in any public argument because she has a TV show and standup gigs in which she could endlessly respond to what I've said.

We find it somewhat improbable that Moline is the con man his ex-wife makes him out to be, deviously subjecting himself to a mere six years' worth of servitude to Griffin and "her Gays," all the while savoring the modest payday lying in wait for him at the end of the ordeal. It's hardly surprising, then, that Moline should turn to blogging to broadcast his side of the story, as he has no Bravo reality show to call his own—though that might be something the network might want to consider, launching a mid-season companion piece entitled Matt Moline: My Life On Kathy Griffin's Shoe Money.

• First Episode - A Response [Salad Days via RealityBlurred.com]

TMZ has learned that a judge wasn't crazy about Anne Heche, and awarded estranged hubby Coley Laffoon physical custody of 5-year-old son Homer, with alternate weekend visits for Anne...

The judge also awarded Coley child and spousal support, exact amounts unknown.

The disintegration of the celebrity nuclear family is never easy, and we can't help but feel for little Homer, who'll be reminded every second weekend by his dad how it's time to pay a visit to "that crazy bitc—I mean, your mom, who loves you very much. And if she tries to do something 'fun' with you like cover the cat in chocolate frosting again, I want you to call me right away. Think you can do that for me, little man?" before having his hair tussled and finding himself nudged towards the parting automatic gates.

UPDATE:The story, as it turns out, is completely inaccurate: Heche and Laffoon will equally share custody of their child while she is in L.A., but when she's shooting Men In Trees in Vancouver, she gets custody every other weekend.

• Heche's Hubby Gets Custody [TMZ]

In a response filed Tuesday, Phillippe also cited irreconcilable differences but asked for joint legal custody and physical custody of the children as well as visitation granted "to both parties, equally allocated." [...]

The documents filed with the court in November and this week do not list separate or community property, saying the nature of the assets has yet to be determined.

Witherspoon's petition requested that the court not grant any spousal support to Phillippe. There was no request for support in Phillippe's petition.

Phillippe's refusal to seek any sort of spousal support is a promising sign that the actor has made significant breakthroughs during his relatively brief time attending meetings at the Beverly Hills outpost of Lesser-Wattage Hollywood Husbands Who Refuse to be Emasculated by Their Significant Ex's $15 Million Asking Price Anonymous. Still, all it takes is one misinterpreted sidelong glance at the adjudication or an inflexible request for full ownership of the Le Creuset cookware collection before proceedings escalate into all-out warfare, with both parties hurling accusations that the other crazy side knowingly sent their children to school with substandard brownbagged meals containing nary a Capri Sun or Lunchable.

• Phillippe wants joint custody with Witherspoon [AP]

Coley Laffoon is asking a judge for joint custody of the couple's 5-year-old son Homer, but claims that Anne's "bizarre and delusional behavior" and "poor parenting skills" could be a problem. In the papers, Laffoon claims that Anne once didn't put Homer in a car seat, she often cusses in front of the child, and packed school lunches that Homer "did not like." Laffoon added that his prior experience as a nanny and a summer camp counselor justify giving him joint custody.

Laffoon is also asking for $33,000 a month in spousal support, even though he claims he only made $6,000 a year as a videographer, before the two were married. According to the documents, Heche makes $81,000 an episode for her role in "Men In Trees."

While unhinged meal preparation alone might not be enough to throw one's parenting skills into question—although there's really few things more scarring for a first grader than to open a TMNT lunchbox and find some freshly cleaned roadkill and a Thermos full of cat urine inside—Heche's long history of well-documented mental illness could only serve to bolster Laffoon's case. It's a sad affair from which emerge no winners, and precisely the kind of thing for which an afternoon spent loading up on complimentary crap at an upfronts swag suite provides some temporary, designer-freebie-induced comfort.

• Heche's Ex: Anne Is Delusional! [TMZ]
• Stars load up on gifts during upfronts [Yahoo/AP]

JON Peters was the star when he got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame Monday - but his ex-wife, Christine, stole the show when she had a process server hand him court papers the second he got out of his limo.

Jon and Christine are in a bitter legal battle. She claims Jon owes her child support for their two daughters. Jon claims that Christine has been living rent free in a mansion he owns and that the daughters are grown and not legally his. A pal of Jon's said, "I found the fact that she did it [have the papers served] in front of their children very classless."

Things, of course, could always have been worse, as Christine could have marred the proceedings more profoundly by having the server wait until Peters had fallen down on all fours to kiss his star before sneaking up behind him to deliver the papers, foreshadowing the legal buggering she hopes to inflict upon him at a later date. And, given the video and voicemail-leaking humiliations that certain ex-wives have recently been accused of causing their former husbands lately, Peters probably feels lucky that no embarrassing multimedia presentation accompanied her legal action.

• RAINY PARADE [Page Six]
• Previously: Suck-Up Ads Letting Jon Peters Know Who His Real Hollywood Friends Are [Defamer]
• Jon Peters Thinking 19 Years Enough Time For Ex-Wife To Find New Place [Defamer]

#10. Mick Jagger & Jerry Hall Estimated settlement: $15 to $25 million #9. Lionel & Diane Richie Estimated settlement: $20 million #8. Michael & Diandra Douglas Estimated settlement: $45 million #7. James Cameron & Linda Hamilton Estimated settlement: $50 million #6. Paul McCartney & Heather Mills Settlement pending: Possibly more than $60 million

#5. Kevin Costner & Cindy Silva Estimated settlement: $80 million #4. Harrison Ford & Melissa Mathison Estimated settlement: $85 million #3. Steven Spielberg & Amy Irving Estimated settlement: $100 million #2. Neil Diamond & Marcia Murphey Estimated settlement: $150 million #1. Michael & Juanita Jordan Settlement pending: Possibly more than $150 million

Hollywood is, not surprisingly, respectably represented, with two superdirectors, three aging leading men, and one father of a calorically challenged reality TV sidekick all sitting within just a few impressive ranks from each other, right alongside the trade-in prices for upgrading to their newer, sleeker wife models. So what can we learn from this list? For starters, that there's nothing like a nine-figure settlement to really hammer home the importance of not skimping on the lawyer who'll draft your prenuptial agreement.

• Most Expensive Celebrity Divorces [Forbes]

After a five-hour meeting with their attorneys present, Spears and Federline signed "a global settlement on all issues of their marriage," said Michael Sands, a spokesman for Federline's attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. Sands declined to elaborate on terms of the settlement, saying only that it covers child custody and financial matters. Spears' attorney, Laura Wasser, declined to comment.

It will surely go down as a memorable spring of rebirth for Spears, fresh from a rehab-renewal and now unencumbered by America's Most Handout-Hungry. Still, wherever the two choose to go from here (probably to a Vegas nightclub), they will forever be bound by their two, young sons, who, God willing, will be able to overcome the hardships of childhood divorce and go on to lead fulfilling lives themselves, possibly as the stars of a "lifestyles of the children of the formerly famous" reality series of their own.

• Spears, K-Fed reach settlement [AP]

Mary Weiland, 31, was booked for investigation of felony arson vandalism after officers responded to a call Saturday night that a female was burning clothes. They found a trash can full of smoldering clothes, Sgt. Mathew Ferguson said. Officers called Weiland, who said the wardrobe was worth $10,000, Ferguson said. The couple's children, ages 4 and 6, were placed in the custody of family friends.

While we hope that one day they'll be able to look back and laugh at these events, we imagine that right now there is nothing at all amusing to the quarrelsome couple about the night that acrid smell of charred leather pants and melted SS-inspired officer's hats was carried downwind towards nearby homes, causing neighbors to peer out their windows and alert authorities to the crazed woman wiggling her fingertips heavenwards above a flaming fashion pyre, chanting, "Burn! Burn to ash! Let that bastard come home to a closet full of sensibly priced Old Navy casuals, and finally see what it means to really hurt inside! Hahahaha!"

• Weiland's Wife Arrested in Clothes Torch [ABCNews/AP]

"It's not true. Period. Maybe I should have come out and said, `No, I'm not (gay),' but I didn't want to draw any more attention to it," the 38-year-old country singer says. "... I didn't have to prove to anybody that I wasn't (gay). I didn't feel like I really did."

Frankly, any lingering doubts on our end were put to rest with the (female) Southwest Airlines attendant who regaled her cabin with tales of Chesney's sexual prowess. But with this "No, Renee Zellweger did not turn me that way" interview, the final nail has been hammered into the ugly-gay-rumor coffin, and Chesney can finally move on to what he does best: Playing country music and showing off his buff, hairless body in sleeveless Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirts, crotch-hugging jeans, and receding-hairline-camouflaging cowboy hats.

• Kenny Chesney denies gay rumors [AP]

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline will continue to share custody of their two young sons this month, following the terms of a January custody agreement, Federline's attorney confirmed Thursday. [...]

Per the terms of that agreement, Federline will continue to be allowed to visit the children at Spears' home from noon to 4 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

In other words, for the next little while at least, both little Sean Preston and the other one will be guaranteed up to 12 hours per week in the presence of a strong male role model. Or, should K-Fed's unpaid bodyguard/sidekick have other business to attend to that day, at least in the presence of their big-pimpin' biological dad himself.

• Britney, K-Fed to Continue Joint Custody [ABCNews/AP]