A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: I can't believe you would ever f***ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone. I should never have f***ing trusted you."

The Mean Girl continued: "It's everywhere now, all over the net, everyone's seen it, how f***ing could you?"

Alas, as we now know, he would have if he could have. Really though, with our scandal-starved eyes scanning even for the secrets of Gossip Girl/NSYNC alum bromance, we must now leave this mess behind us until the next pixelated, would-be-starlet blow job compels a more robust visitation of the evidence. Or until later this morning, whichever comes first.

• Lohan rant over Best sex tape [The Sun]

While the 21-year-old did date Calum last year, his publicist is now setting the record straight. "It's not Calum, " his rep tells In Touch. "If it was Calum we would have it shrink-wrapped and put out onto a DVD for Christmas," he adds. "Believe me, it's not him. We'd all be retired by now if that were the case."

Naturally, we don't believe for a moment that the representative for someone as heatedly in-demand as Calum Best would ever fully give up the thrill of planting bogus sex-tape rumors speaking on behalf of such accomplished, vigorously pursued young talent. We should all be so lucky to have a gig requiring merely one week of work per year. Don't take it for granted!

• Lindsay in Sex-Tape Scandal [In Touch]