RUMER Willis used to hate her name. The daughter of Demi Moore and Bruce Willis tells this Sunday's Page Six Magazine that when she was 12, she realized she "got screwed."

My sisters, Scout and Talullah, had cute nicknames," she says. "When I was 12 and had crushes on guys, I'd put my first name with their last name, but it never sounded right. Rumer Depp? Nope. In school, kids would sing, 'Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor.' " She also says she was shocked to be named one of People's 100 Most Beautiful People this year: "After being compared to Jay Leno for so long, you don't think of yourself in that way."

Let this be a cautionary tale to all you expecting celebrity parents. We realize children can be cruel, but really now: "Rumer, Rumer with a big hairy tumor?" And as if that weren't enough, Willis had to withstand comparisons to Jay Leno, the late night talk show equivalent of a benign, hirsute growth. Talullah didn't know how easy she had it, with a name almost impossible to rhyme with anything suitably humiliating. ("Talullah, Talullah, with all that Die Hard 2 Moolah!")

• BLAME MY NAME [Page Six]

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Cybill Shepherd pleasantly greeted the snappers outside of LAX on Tuesday afternoon. The Moonlighting star told them that they sure knew how to make a girl feel welcomed as she pulled up to airport. The snappers followed Shepherd all the way to the ticket counter, but much to Shepherd's dismay, the lens men stopped once Shepherd hit the escalator. Shepherd asked if they wanted to get some frames of her taking her shoes off and you know, acting like a regular person. They collectively shrugged their shoulders and said that they've got enough photos of people without their shoes on.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Happened? screened at Sundance and Cannes, where the movie was met by a mixed reaction spanning everything from mild bemusement to complete indifference—ultimately necessitating a release by Magnolia Pictures, backer Mark Cuban's distribution arm. And what kinds of backroom wheeler-dealing goodies await us? LAT's The Big Picture describes one scene that recreates "the time Alec Baldwin, about to star in the David Mamet-written The Edge, reported to work with a Moses-style beard, prompting a production crisis." The scene is above, with Bruce Willis playing himself but channeling the tantrum-throwing Baldwin, using the banner of artistic integrity to justify his right to retain his bearish facial outcropping. We like to picture Baldwin reacting to the scene with an equally choleric meta-rant, which Willis would ably recreate in the film's unlikely sequel, and so on and so forth, until our brains dribble out of our nostrils.

• Patrick Goldstein on the collision of entertainment, media and pop culture [LAT]

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Die Hard star Bruce Willis attempted to spend a nice and relaxing holiday weekend with his daughters Scout LaRue and Tallulah Belle, but things turned south when Willis explained that he wasn't able to score the kids and their friend backstage passes for an upcoming Jonas Brothers concert. The daughters wondered why he wasn't able to get tickets for the show, then quickly asked if he tried hard enough to find tickets. Willis explained that he had all two of his assistants and two of his agent's assistants spend hours searching on the internet and placing phone calls, but their efforts failed to yield any results. Scout and Tallulah looked at each other and said, "Ashton could've gotten us tickets, Dad." Willis mumbled under his breath, then pretended to get a message on his Blackberry and explained that the throng of assistants had found of a block of tickets for a Jonas Brothers concert in Orange County. The Willis sisters said, "Eww, Orange County? I guess, but can we take a helicopter there?"

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

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Celebrity offspring Rumer Willis attempted to cause a scene on the mean streets on Winnipeg, Canada. Willis coughed and hacked her way through cigarette after cigarette, hoping that one of her near by handlers/assistants would inform her parents about her new and disgusting habit. After getting dizzy and nearly passing out, Willis gave up on smoking as an attention grabber. Then she briefly considered taking embarrassing and scandalous photos of herself and posting them onto the internet, but Willis then realized that it still wouldn't get her parents attention.

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

Yes, thankfully, the athletically impressive thighs of Lake were more fully on display than those of Diaz, though the actress, making her first red carpet appearance since the passing of her father Emilio. Cameron wore one of her trademark skin-tight dresses, one that gave Gwyneth a run for her money in the clavicle flash arena. But more importantly, why so blue Ashton? And where is Mrs. Kutcher? Haven't you accompanied her and her brood to each and every single one of her flop premieres over the last few years? And she couldn't be bothered to support you at what may turn out to be a quasi-successful rom-com? Maybe ever since Bruce Willis got that manly penis piercing, Kutcher's just feeling a little impish?

[Photo credits: Getty Images]

• SMILING CAMERON DIAZ MAKES EMOTIONAL RETURN TO THE RED CARPET IN A MINI-DRESS [Daily Mail]

Which celebrity dad is just as rebellious as his starlet daughter? The troubled parent wears a ring through a piercing on his nether regions.

Hulk Hogan: Low on the list, only because Brooke hasn't quite reached "starlet" or "rebellious" levels of fame yet.
Jamie Spears: Britney has publicly outed her dad as a former drug user, and we can't think of a father/daughter pair who are more "troubled" at the moment, but somehow Jamie doesn't strike us as the manhood-piercing type.
Michael Lohan: He is a wild card, but he's also some kind of born-again missionary. We don't know much about born-agains, but we doubt they frequent piercing parlors too often.

Lionel Richie: Lionel's the kind of guy we could picture spontaneously deciding to stick some jewels in those nether regions of his. But Nicole's no longer causing him any grief, and we can't find any reason why the crooner would be "troubled" at the moment.
Bruce Willis: Most likely suspect. Rumer's rebellious, Bruce is floundering, and he's a bad ass dude. How else to prove to his extended family that Ashton will never, ever be the man he is? A pierced Segel is the obvious answer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Rob's Blog, NYDN]

• JUST ASKING [NY Post]

While Wal-Mart isn't nearly as highbrow as Versace, the fashion brand Demi modeled for in 2005, Moore was actually a hard-working model aching for a big break at 18. Rumer, now 19, is hardly struggling, and Wal-Mart, as Hilary Duff and the Olsen sisters know fully well, bring in major bucks.

And landing the role in From Within may not win Rumer any Oscar nods, but Moore didn't really break out until landing a recurring role on General Hospital at 20. So despite cheesy ad campaigns and teen romp scary movies serving as the first credits on her resume, Rumer may surprise us all and manage to live up to her mother's decades-long star status. Fingers crossed she doesn't take on any implant-requiring lap dance roles for the time being, though. Lindsay Lohan may be the only ticket-buyer.

[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage, Flisted]

• NOW BIKINI-CLAD RUMER WILLIS RECREATES MOTHER DEMI'S FAMOUS CHARLIE'S ANGELS BEACH SCENE [Daily Mail]
• RUMER WILLIS FOR WAL-MART'S OP BRAND [Just Jared]

Back in 1994 when Bruce Willis was still with Demi and still managed to maintain that sexy tough guy image, he revealed the full monty in Color Of Night. And the industry's most dedicated fan of showing off his package, Ewan McGregor, memorably lounged naked throughout several scenes in Young Adam. And we all remember the time from a chiseled Kevin Bacon subtly proved to the world how lucky Kyra Sedgwick is via steamy shower scene in Wild Things.

Before Ewan McGregor, Harvey Keitel was Hollywood's go-to full-frontal actor, stripping down for both Bad Lieutenant and The Piano. But our all-time favorite appearance by a male actor's schlong has to go to Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights. Yes, it was a hefty prosthetic, and no, we don't learn just how much junk Marky Mark is packing, but the highly anticipated revelation of Dirk Diggler's legendary package was worth waiting two porn-y hours for back in 1997.

[Photo credits: Entertainment Weekly, Celebritycandids.com, nudemalestars.com, Maxim, malecelebrities.biz]

• 'FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL' LETS IT ALL HANG OUT [LAT]

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In a moment of clearly born out of tween rebellion and defiance, Tallulah Belle Willis rushed the paparazzi shouting: "Look at me! Look at me! I have toxic blood and I use leeches to heal myself! Look at me! Look at me! I can't be a normal mom so I have to take a bath in turpentine! Look at me!" Then her mother quickly pulled Tallulah Belle aside, less-than-calmly explaining that young ladies who behave like this way don't get to visit the set of the new High School Musical.

[Photo Credit: Splash News]

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Bruce Willis' current gal pal, leggy Victoria's Secret model Emma Heming, is playing the question off as if it's the first time it has happened. However, Bruce's face tells a completely story. Having had to say "she isn't my daughter" and "not cool, bro" to valets more times than he would care to count, he wonders if it may just be time to stop dating girls born in the '80s.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

In today's episode: Bruce Willis; Kiefer Sutherland; Kris Kristofferson; Elizabeth Berkly; Owen Wilson; Matt Dillon; Naveen Andrews; Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann; Rashida Jones; Amanda Peet and David Benioff; Keri Russell; BJ Novak; Nicole Richie and Joel Madden; Brian Grazer; Brad Grey; Ian Ziering; Valerie Bertinelli; Grant Show; Udo Keir; Travis Barker; Jason Bantha; Jorja Fox; Eric Wareheim; Sara Rue and Glenn Morshower; and Joey Buttafuoco.

· Bruce Willis shopping at John Varvartos on Melrose wearing a lavender sweater on Saturday March 1st.

· Last Friday - Kris Kristofferson in the New Zealand Air/Virgin lounge form LAX to London. No matter how old that guy is he always looks the same. I looked up at him as he came out of the bathroom and he smiled and did a little hat tilt at me...I felt a bit awkward and in no way attracted to him.

· Yesterday - Virgin Atlantic lounge at Heathrow and upper class on Virgin was our favorite world savior - Kiefer Sutherland. Actually looked quite good, thin and euro in jacket, tie, scarf and sunglasses. Probably the first time I've considered him sexy. He sat where everyone could see him but no one would talk to him in the lounge. Sadly, he slept most of the flight and didn't attack anyone.

· And finally, the best sighting ever - Nomi Malone, aka Jessi Spano, aka Elizabeth Berkly at Bodyfactory near the Arclight. I was behind her in line and hear a voice that was strangely familiar and loud asking if there was any lactose in the shake because she is lactose intolerant. I almost peed my gym shorts with excitement when I noticed it was Nomi. Showgirls is probably the greatest film of all time (and my favorite)...sadly, she caught me texting my friends and looking at her like 10 times. I genuinely wanted to ask for a picture but thought she'd get all Nomi on me. She's really tall and quite gorgeous.

· Feb 29 - Owen Wilson was spotted looking at art today with his dog, Garcia, at Regen Projects, where he looked at Raymond Pettibon's older drawings and Catherine Opie photographs of surfers.

· March 6 - Matt Dillon getting his mack on at the celebrity coffee bean(sunset and fairfax). He got dropped off in a crystler and proceeded to get his drink, then quickly began hitting on young girls. Reminded me of his brother johnny drama

· i saw Naveen Andrews on the corner of 4th and Santa Monica Blvd (near 3rd st promenade) on Feb. 29 around 7pm. Naveen was with a hot model-type chick (not Barbara Hershey—did they break up?). Naveen didn't look too happy to be reconized. i stared at him shamelessly, because i am an obsessive fan of LOST!!! i wanted to yell "Help me get back to the island, Sayid!!!!!" but i was too afraid he would torture me. Naveen and the mystery chick then headed into some fancy restaurant for dinner........

· March 3, 2008 Saw Naveen Andrews (LOST) at a park in Santa Monica. Was pushing my stroller and being sleep-addled and before I could stop myself, I turned to my husband and blurted out: "OH MY GOD, IS THAT SAYID?" To which Naveen laughed and waved. Then because I'm a total dork, I felt compelled to give him a thumbs up, to which he laughed and waved some more and then drove off in his sweet ass ride — a Porsche. btw, he's a total hottie.

· The next weekend I saw the always amazing Judd Apatow and his funny-talented wife, Leslie Mann, at the Grove. You'd never pick them out of a crowd, he in jeans and baseball cap, she in puffy jacket and sweat pants. Like not the velour matching kind but the old school kind of sweats — green with elastic around the ankles. It was raining. They seemed comfy and thank god because us understated puffy jacket and scarf wearing regular jeans people need to stick together... I mean, I've seen enough Marc Ecko jeans in LA to last a lifetime.

· Last night (3/6) I went grocery shopping and saw: 1) at the WeHo Trader Joe's Rashida Jones with chic geek glasses on—quite polite and very beautiful w/no make-up then 2) at the BH Bristol Farms Amanda Peet & David Benioff & their beautiful chubby baby. Amanda looked a little sleep-deprived but then again she didn't have make-up on either and still looked better than me. That's all.

· Saw Felicity (Keri Russell) at the bucolic Palisades Farmers' Market two weeks ago. She had her cute baby boy in one of those slings (Bjorns?) and looked fresh faced and happy, chatting with her similarly beponytailed husband. But she was super skinny. I know she's probably naturally tiny, but I'm not sure how her frail frame even supported the weight of that kid. Keri! The Oscars are over and you looked lovely! Now reward yourself with a sandwich for god's sake. The kid is going to be scarred for life if mommy
snaps in half next time she tries to pick him up.

· On March 1st I was waiting in line at the Starbucks at the Farmers Market at 3rd and Fairfax BJ Novak of the office got in line behind me. He had sunglasses and looked like he hadnt shaved for a week also he looked kind of edgy like he wanted to get out of there as quick as possible.

· Geeze, i think it was Monday march 3. Nicole richie and joel madden shopping for lingerie at neman marcus in beverly hills. Im guessing they were shopping for her... Her boobs looked like they did when she was fat. Milk does a body good indeed.

· wednesday - 05 march. malibu colony plaza. decided to have sushi for lunch when who should i see walking out of the restaurant but BRIAN GRAZER with, no - not his new cultural attache/shamen - rather his new girlfriend, pianist chau-giang nguyen. he's way shorter than i imagined, though his melon is as enormous as it looks in photos. his skin gives keith richards a run for its louis vuitton epi leather texture. chau was wearing a sun hat the size of an o.g. satellite dish. i'm guessing she thinks of brian as a cautionary epidermal tale. good call.

· Spotted at the Grove on Sunday 3/2: Paramount overlord Brad Grey shopping with daughter in Apple Store (didnt buy anything) and the adjacent Nike store. BG checked out the Nike merchandise and then spent some time in the changing area trying on different pairs of athletic pants while checking out HIS merchandise in the mirrors i.e. "does my but look fat in these trackpants?"

· Sat, March 1 - So, I've just gotten my bikini line waxed at FACE IT SKIN AND NAIL SPA in Hollywood at La Brea and Sunset in the El Pollo Loco/ Wendy's strip mall. As I walk back out to the nail area in my state of post-pain euphoria, I see a familiar man with a distinctive blonde fro-mullet. It's Steve Sanders! Excuse me, it's IAN ZIERING. He's sitting in one of the spa chairs getting a pedicure and the best thing about it is that he has that same perfect, smirky smile you always see on his face. Today it said, "That's right, Baby. You remember me, I'm Steve Sanders and I'm gettin' a pedicure." What is it with that smirk, EYE-An? What the f#@$ secrets of life do you know that I don't know? I know he lives in this annoying hood and all I can think is, if I were him and had a couple of bucks, I'd move as far east of Vermont as would make me cool again.

· I saw Valerie Bertinelli shopping with her man Tom Vitale in the Studio City Ralph's on Saturday night (03/01). She looked great in jeans and sunglasses, what a cutie. Then I went home and she was on a late night Oprah rerun promoting her new book "Losing It".

· Former Melrose Placer - Grant Show (you'll always be JAKE to me!) at Happy Ending's bar on Sunset. Man, he is aging well! Homie looks good for 46-years old, floppy hair and rock hard abs. I tried to get him to win me a lobster out of the tank, but he was too busy staring at some blond (sad face).

· A friend and I were enjoying $5 pitchers of beer at the Eagle in Silverlake on Monday night, March 3. I then notice Udo Keir cruising the bar in a black leather biker jacket and pristine blue jeans, how utterly German of him or not, it's a leather bar. He looked creepy and surprisingly well preserved. He left without closing a deal.

· March 3 - So I'm leaving the Disneyland Grand Californian after having brunch with my friends and I see a filthy looking, tatooed amaciated Travis Barker "rolling" in to the valet. From out of the ghetto fabulous Escalade emerges Shauna Moakler sans extensions and makeup and a bunch of little children. They were very conspicuous with the ink and Travis with his big shades in ANAHEIM!

· Tues, March 4, The Room (Cahuenga Corridor)
enjoying a late night snatchtail with some friends where we spotted Jason Bantha of National Treasure and Peadbody award winner National Treasure 2 having some drinks at dancing in that goofy white hipster boy kind of way. looked super cute and seems like an okay guy.

· Last Saturday (Mar 2) saw Jorja Fox with 3 non-celeb friends (2 guys and a girl) buying wine a bit after 10pm at CapNCork on Hillhurst in Los Feliz. She was in jeans, green shirt and white vest, hair down, no makeup and looking very casual but easily recognizable.

· i saw a very tall Eric Wareheim (from tim and eric awesome show on adult swim) last night at Katsuya in Studio CIty. He was with a gorgeous girl with short blonde hair, i assume it was his girlfriend. They were smiling and laughing, and very affectionate. It was very cute to watch and he seemed really sweet.

· At the Commerce Casino on March 3rd, watching the final table at the World Poker Tour event, saw the perfectly lovely Sara Rue (Less Than Perfect) seated front row to cheer on a friend. Also spotted veteran character actor Glenn Morshower in the crowd. OK, honestly I spotted "Agent Aaron Pierce" in the crowd, and had to check IMDB for his real name. Regardless, having a few seasons of 24 on his resume makes him the closest I've gotten to a Kiefer sighting in a while.

· March 5, 2008 12:50:31 PM PST - Joey Buttafuoco dining outside at the ivy right now!!

Demi: You know, I didn't get married and have children so I could get a divorce, get remarried, and get along with my ex-husband. But since that is what happened, I am grateful it turned out this way. [...]

Demi: My daughters are a big part of what drove me to want to have a close relationship with Bruce. One of the most healing things for Bruce was seeing me meet someone who has brought me so much happiness. And I so much want the same for him. We get so much from being able to share holidays and spend time with all of us together. The kids don't have to choose. They're getting double the support, double the love, double the encouragement.

Of course, the bridge between Demi's former life as Bruno's main squeeze to her current incarnation as the MILFy reigning monarch of the Punk'd generation wasn't an entirely smooth one: We're reminded of their first all-family dinner party, a five-course affair that started awkwardly right from the salad course, grew more tense when Willis challenged Kutcher to an arm-wrestling competition during entrees, and which by dessert had quickly devolved into an intergenerational tournament of one-upsmanship (darts, Go Fish, badminton, and Dance Dance Revolution) that left all three daughters sobbing into their gelato bowls.

[Photo credit: Peter Lindbergh for Harper's Bazaar]

• Demi's Family Style [harpersbazaar.com]

· Steve Guttenberg goes dark, taking on the role of a father whose son goes missing in the middle of a divorce in The Well, a film that should make everyone quickly forget he just went slumming with Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star. [THR]
·SNL's staff is put on "unpaid hiatus" until the resolution of the strike; in the meantime, the writers and cast who put on Saturday's UCB version of the show are donating the proceeds of that benefit to their laid-off co-workers. [Variety]

So overcrowded is the summer movie marketplace that the only way to distinguish one's upcoming blockbuster product from the blowing-shit-up competition is to hit the talk show circuit and recreate some of the fun that awaits fickle moviegoers upon their next trip to the multiplex.

On last night's Late Show, game Live Free Or Die Hard star Bruce Willis did the best he could with what was left of Fox's promotional budget following yesterday's impressive airborne display over Los Angeles, setting off a "Ka-Bruce" firework (Chinatown stall street price: $1.49) intended to preview the many thrilling big-screen explosions the action hero encounters during the film. Unfortunately for Fox , Paramount has booked Fourth of July weekend rival Transformers director Michael Bay on next Monday's Letterman show, whose better-funded stunt will involve driving a custom-made Bumblebee Camaro up to the guest chair; once Bay detonates the car following a predetermined laugh line and showers the live studio audience in a hail of deadly, white-hot shrapnel, the memory of Willis' quaint cherry-bomb spectacle will be completely erased.

• Late Show: Monday, June 25, 2007 [CBS.com]
• Previously: Fox Decides Lengthy, Profane Catch-Phrase Too Expensive For Skywriting [Defamer]

Hard to believe it really is Bruce saying that stuff on AICN. I loved working with Bruce. He gave me a big hug one month ago at the GM party and we talked for 20 minutes. We even talked about working together again! I mean it would be sad if he felt this way - he's never one to hide his feelings - I say sad, in that he wouldn't be man enough to say it to my face. But truly sad that such a big time actor would have to hide on a little talk back section. So I really don't believe this story.

I find it also totally odd that my agents at William Morris got the call from Bruce's people to inquire if I would like to helm Die Hard 4, but I was already on Transformers.

Michael

Bay's accusations that Willis is nothing more than a "Hollywood friend" ("Mikey Boy! Great to see you! You been working out? Have your guy call my guy and let's do another project! I mean it! Hey, is that the crab cake tray over there? Gotta run!") and that his "people" invited the fauxteur to ruin Beedub's comeback vehicle momentarily give him the edge in their web-enabled spat. Of course, the dick-measuring contest won't truly end until July, after Live Free or Die Hard and The Transformers have both had their opening weekends, when the public will be able to see which online shit-talker's packing more box office inches.

• A response to Bruce Willis [MichaelBay.com]
• Previously: Bruce Willis Takes To Internet To Answer Fan Questions About How Many 'Fucks' They'll Hear In The New 'Die Hard' [Defamer]

I am Walter B
by Walter B
i am John Mafuckin'Clane. What if I came to you all, just as as guy who in the last weeks of post, facing a 5 week, World-Wide press tour, an crazed at the prospect of it, just wanted to take a simpler approach to talking to this enormous group of people, who depsite pre-judgements from many, praise from a smaller minority, and some just waiting to see "what shakes out", merely wished to have an outlet to chat with people I seldom get to chat with, and what if I just listened?

And then thought about what I was going to say, and wrote back honestly. I had a website up for a while, I shut it down for an indefinite period, but now, getting ready to launch the longest shot of my careeer, I feel a strong personal pull to hear from an audience I do not know, sans Bullshit,(And that means I tell the Truth), sans gossip, just the straight, tight shit. I would personally hope it might be more about my work, good and bad, just us. Harry can chime in if he likes, but frankly it's not cumpolsory........HOW WOULD THAT BE? in veritas Beedub

Understandably, this self-declaration of movie-star authenticity was rejected as insufficient proof that Willis was mingling with the unwashed internet masses. But to his credit, rather than allow naysayers to taint the board with their disbelieving negativity, the actor fired up his video-enabled iChat as a show of good faith (pictured above), proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that he has nothing better to do with his time than commune with those who would make the heretical claim that Michael Bay would've been a better choice to direct the new Die Hard than Underworld's Len Wiseman. Which reminds us:

Bay
by Walter B
Would have ruined DH4. Few people will work with him now, and I know I will never work with him again.

Knowing that Bay is no stranger to the internet himself, we hope he takes appropriate umbrage at his former Armageddon partner's slight, joining the fray to let Willis know that his unprovoked attack makes him no better than the other internet dickwads whose opinions he could care less about.

• FOX - Vern has some words for you about the pansy-assing of the 4th DIE FLACCID movie. [AICN]
• Is Bruce Willis a Talkbacker? - UPDATED [Freeze Dried Movies]
• Previously: Bruce Willis Just Really Loves Playoff Basketball [Defamer]

Never once in the above clip (thanks to Deadspin for bringing this joy into our lives on a Monday afternoon) do we see any booze cross suspiciously enthusiastic action star and proud New Jerseyian Bruce Willis' lips during this interview at a break in yesterday's Nets-Raptors game, so it would unfair to attribute his slurry, semicoherent endorsements of both his companion's promising career and his new movie to alcohol intoxication; clearly, his potshot at Cybill Shepherd, his seemingly insane claim that this summer's Die Hard sequel is better than the original, and his "Yippee-kai-yay, motherfucker!" sign-off were fueled by the excitement of playoff basketball, and not by enough $14 jumbo Bud Lites to kill an actor of half his tolerance.

• Bruce Willis Likes Him Some Jersey Beer [Deadspin]

In today's episode: Leonardo DiCaprio and Bar Refaeli; Bruce Willis; Danny DeVito; Natalie Portman; Giovanni Ribisi, Kelly Osbourne, and Danny Masterson; John Mayer; Chris Parnell; James Van Der Beek; Jeff Probst; Natasha Henstridge and Paul Guilfoyle; Lewis Black; Mitch Rouse; Bill Brochtrup; and Bradley Baumkirchner.

· Wednesday, April 18th, 10:45 am, West Hollywood Target: Leonardo DiCaprio and his Israeli model girlfriend Bar Refaeli. He was wearing sunglasses indoors, but he was both taller and thinner than you'd expect. The Orthodox ladies stocking up on Pampers paid him no mind.

· Yesterday (April 16), I spotted Bruce Willis outside of the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills. He was on his cell phone and appeared to be asking the bellman where his car was. He was wearing a gray sweater with jeans (folded at the bottom) and hiking boots. Having never been a Die Hard fan, I can honestly say that he definitely has an "everyman" rugged feel to him that's appealing.

Also, I'm not sure if there's a statue of limitations on when we can send in sightings, but I spotted Danny DeVito at LAX on March 23. I was waiting to catch a redeye to NYC and he came off of the plane I was going to board. He's exactly like you would picture him — short, round and friendly.

· I had a dry spell for a while (although I kept seeing mike tyson at crunch but someone else already wrote that in), but last night (4-19) I had a good one: natalie portman at cat 'n' fiddle. she's gorgeous, natch. perfect skin. very low key with a couple of guys I didn't recognize. they came in around 11, sat next to us but moved when they realized the heater was broken and took up a corner table on the patio. I think she was wearing some kind of fleece to keep warm. last night was cooooold.

· Doin' the art scene @ Bergamont last night (4/19), Robert Berman Gallery for Alex Prager's photo show... Saw Giovanni Ribisi (with an exceptionally hot brunette woman), Kelly Osbourne (who left early, exhibiting a rather sulky walk to the car), and Danny Masterson, who's lookin' svelte without those huge chops on the side of his face.

· John Mayer at Mastro's, and maybe even Jessica, too, on Friday night. (But not sure about the Miss Simpson part.)

While enjoying a lazy Saturday we saw Chris Parnell shopping at the Mayfair on Franklin in the late afternoon.

· Last nite (4/19) was having dinner w/a friend at Max in Sherman Oaks. James Van Der Beek walks in with skinny brunette and joins another couple already seated. He sits w/his back to the crowd. No one really noticed except our waiter who went over and shook his hand later on in the evening. My friend and I noticed he was wearing a wedding ring (?) and when my friend commented the next table over heard and thought it was funny, too! JVB's date had to send her dinner back (soooo LA..........) and they were drinking pink drinks (Cosmo's?) How exciting my first tip to you guys!!!!

· Saw Survivor host Jeff Probst and a "guy" pal shopping at the Petco on Sepulveda Blvd in Van Nuys on Sunday 4/15...They appeared very happy together... ;) Both dressed down in shorts and sandals. I must admit, Jeff looks better on TV...skin's a little pasty looking without the pancake.

· Upon moving from the westside to the valley (difference between owning a house with a pool vs a 70's apartment and sharing a pool with the cable guy) I expected my sightings to diminish. Not so, being a new homeowner I spend all my free time at hardware stores (seriously they are like crack to a new homeowner, I feel like Steve Martin in the jerk...I don't need anything, well except maybe this, and this and oh I definitely need this) and who do I see at the Osh but still milf-like hot Natasha Henstridge. Before said trip had some darn good chorizo and eggs at Sollys on Van Nuys (cept they don't have Cholula..WTF) who do I see heading straight for me like he wants me for questioning and looking, well, cop-like...Lt Brass from CSI (I never say CSI Vegas because the other poser city shows suck) Paul Guilfoyle.

· Well-known recently Grammy winning stand-up comedian and host of The Daily Show's "Back in Black," Lewis Black at The Abbey (4-17) in West Hollywood . He was with two hot girls and a quiet, soft-spoken gay-ish guy. Surprised to see him there. He was on like his fourth glass of red wine.

· Mitch Rouse from "According to Jim" was in Jerry's Famous Deli on Ventura in Studio City yesterday (4-16). He was getting take out and waiting at the very front counter.

· Sunday 4/15, Bill Brochtrup at Cheebos on Sunset having brunch with another handsome, preppy looking guy. Taller than I expected and looking more worked-out than in his "NYPD Blue" years. I'd date him in a heartbeat.

· Wednesday April 18th, saw a cleanshaven Bradley Baumkirchner at Low End Theory night at The Airliner (charming bar that smells like vomit, but outside patio is nice) listening to the DJ stylings of Dntel amongst others. He was talking to a cute manorexic dressed in black. I couldn't tell what BB was wearing apart from loose dark colored t-shirt.

The less we say to set up Elephant Larry's video birthday card to Bruce Willis (what, you forgot to send him something?) the better, but after watching it, we're left with the uncomfortable feeling that his agents over at CAA may be a little unhealthily obsessed with numerology. Maybe they like to mix up the usual, boring Satanist human sacrifice approach to representation with a little harmless number-play for certain high-profile clients, just to keep things fresh.

• Happy Birthday, Bruce Willis! [CC Insider]

We have no doubt the response has been tremendous to a recent casting notice for "Halle Berry & Bruce Willis look-a-likes" to participate in a "street marketing/publicity stunt campaign" for their upcoming, memorably titled thriller Perfect Stranger, with every non-equity, balding white guy and Catwoman-type in Hollywood lining up for a piece of the premiere-night swag-distributing action. The last thing the event organizers need this late into the game, therefore, is a lead on a dead ringer delighting Japanese TV audiences with his eerily accurate approximation of John McClane. Still, producers may want to consider the potential of the increased overseas returns were Willis to pose next to his Japanese twin at photo ops—a sidekick no more humiliating than that Over the Hedge racoon.

• JUNK OF THE DAY: Japanese Bruce Willis [WebJunk.tv]

Halle Berry & Bruce Willis look-a-likes wanted to participate in a street marketing/publicity stunt campaign for the upcoming release of the PERFECT STRANGER movie. See http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/perfectstranger/ for info on the film.

Candidates must bear a resemblance to Bruce Willis or Halle Berry. Experience in brand ambassadorship, promotions or marketing is preferred. Candidates must be reliable, professional, outgoing and cheerful.

To apply, send a photo (required) and list any relevant experience. If you qualify, we will be in contact to discuss specifics of the job and schedule an interview. Email us at streetteam@buzztone.com

We look forward to hearing from you. Thanks!

No other information about the gig was made available in the e-mail, but if your headshot fulfills their celebrity verisimilitude requirements, we're sure the street team organizers will get in touch to explain their ambitious plan to exploit the movie's online-stalking subject matter by luring potential moviegoers into steamy MySpace relationships with "Bruce Willis" and "Halle Berry," then dispatching the lookalikes to rough up their new loves during face-to-face meetings, leaving the "victims" with the uncanny, buzz-building feeling that they've been in a terrifying, dark-side-of-obsession-style encounter with actual famous people.

• Perfect Stranger [sonypictures]

Willis and Lasorda said through their lawyers that they never used Gibson's service and had no idea why their names appeared in her records. They accused Gibson of exploiting their fame to boost her book sales. [...]

"I have never heard of this woman and don't know why she would accuse me of something like this," Lasorda said in a statement issued by his attorney, Tony Capozzola. "But if she prints these lies, I intend to sue."

Willis' attorney, Marty Singer, said: "The story is a complete fabrication. [Willis] doesn't know this woman. He's never even spoken to her."

For those too anxious to wait until Thursday's to find out whether Ben Affleck's penis lived up to Gibson's teased "big, fat, rock hard" billing (no Scary Hollywood Lawyer denial to the LAT, as this will certainly be the most positive press he's received in years), individual chapters are already available for download on the book's website. Prepare to be mildly scandalized by suggestions that people with too much money may have paid to have sex with aspiring actresses just trying to make ends meet!

[Photo: LAT]

• L.A. madam's 'trick book' is unsealed [LAT]
• Secrets of a Hollywood Super Madam [supermadamsecrets.com]

In today's episode: Bruce Willis, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Kevin Pollak, David Arquette, Jason Bateman, Jack Nicholson, Rob Reiner, Lou Adler and Jeremy Piven; James Woods and Ashley Madison; Lindsay Lohan; Quentin Tarantino; Ron Howard; Billy Bob Thornton; Val Kilmer and Aida Turturro; Chloe Sevigny; Jenny McCarthy; Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley; Mike Tyson; Zach Galifianakis; Rob Zombie; Amy Smart and Fabio; David Hockney; Molly Stanton and Jeffrey Jones.

· Seen courtside at what was undoubtedly "boys' night out" at last Friday's [pathetic!] Lakers/Bobcats game:

Bruce Willis sitting between Jeffrey Katzenberg and Kevin Pollak, all wearing baseball caps for obvious reasons; David Arquette looking surprisingly cute in a Ryan Gosling sort of way, in the company of non-famous friends; Jason Bateman, also surprisingly handsome, also with civilians; fixture Jack Nicholson (really bald and old) with Rob Reiner and Cisco Adler's dad Lou Adler; and apparently the only famous guy there out on a date (with a very nondescript brunette woman), Jeremy Piven, who, just like alter-ego Ari, spent half the time on his cell. And it wasn't even a boring game (well, not until the 4th quarter)!

· Thursday, jan 25th, urth cafe on melrose, jeremy piven rubbernecking in his 'rover—funny enough that was a day or two after i caught his appearance on the Regis and Kelly show (defense: I WAS ON THE TREADMILL AT THE GYM!), where he prefaced a statement with "this is probably the most pretentious thing i'll ever say,....blah blah blah"...uh, jeremy, really, somehow i just don't think it will be.....

· On 1/24 @7:30pm, The Grove Theater, a super close encounter: My companions and I were in line at the concession stand when we noticed a rather sullen James Woods standing next to our group, with a very young, skinny, tall blonde girlfriend in tow (Ashley Madison). He literally has a big head. What is it with celebs and their huge noggins? He was complaining (not rudely, but rather vocally) that the automatic concession order stations were not working properly. Many wisecracks about modern technology and stupid corporate exectutives were spewed. Picture a scene from Shark or Casino; now I know for certain that James Woods basically plays himself in every movie. The girlfriend, who did not speak one word during his tirade, was trying unsuccessfully to hide two black eyes and a splint from a very recent nosejob under a baseball cap.

· Lindsay Lohan eating dinner at Koi on Thursday night. If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't believe it! She was there with a few girlfriends, and that guy she takes everywhere, Mike Heller. Then later on closer to 10:30, two gay guys joined her table. She came in and out the back door. She didn't seem to be trying too hard to hide, it was like everything was normal. What the fuck kind of rehab lets you go to Koi for dinner!? She probably got kicked out of rehab. I have heard of a lot of rehabs where you get to do things like use your cell phone, or once-a-week attend outside AA, etc., and those rehabs are considered "easy." I want to know what doctors put their stamp of approval behind dinner at Koi as a healthy therapeutic activity.

· saw Quentin Tarantino at Virgin Megastore on sunset today (around 3:15pm) taking a break from editing Grindhouse. nice guy.

· 1-27 Love the Arclight. In line getting tickets, is Ron Howard.

· Sun, 1/21 - This is coming a little late, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Last Sunday afternoon, I was walking out of the Century City mall food court when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bad Santa himself in full-on "don't f-ing look my way" Bad Santa mode,looked away and kept walking because I respect his craft and am a tiny bit scared of him. He was several feet away and shielded in a cap and sunglasses, but you know that Billy Bob Thornton mug when you see it. He was with a woman who, even from quite a distance and judging from the back, I could tell was likely too close to his age to be a date.

· First time out on the town since the surgery, I spotted batshit-crazy Val Kilmer on the patio of Il Sole on Sat night (1/27). Dining with an older female, looked businessy. About an hour later Iceman was gone but Tony Soprano's sister (Aida Turturro) was sitting in the same spot, gabbing to a group of friends. Must be the designated celebrity seating area, which is odd because it's probably the most visible table in the place - you basically HAVE to walk by it to get to the host stand. On second thought, maybe that's on purpose. Bob Gersh was there too, but nobody cares about agents, right?

· chloe sevigny showed up for karoke at cha cha last night. so pretty! so normal! I'd tell you more, but drank far too much to collect any further details.

· Tues., Jan. 30 - Jenny McCarthy in the lower-level lingerie department at Saks in BH. Accompanied by an uber stylish Amazonian blonde woman. Jenny cazh in jeans, but tiny and also kind of a tiny head. No lollipop girl there, I'll tell ya.

· saturday, january 27 saw avril lavigne and deryck whibley emerging from the mac store with two parental figures. they are really small in person. also saw the el pollo guy at h&m the same day. the people that work at the store were pretty stoked to see that guy.

· Saturday night, 8:30PM, Borders on La Cienaga (I'm married). Brushing past me on way out... Mike Tyson. At a book store. On Saturday night. Seemed nice enough (?), but never in a thousand-million years would you want to fight that man.

· Saw horror faux-teur Rob Zombie and his wife (?) Sheri in Larchmont Village on Saturday. He needs a bath.

· 1/28, 12:30 p.m. Saw the heavily hirsute, somewhat underachieving Comedians of Comedy stalwart Zach Galifianakis leaving Joni's Coffee Roasting Cafe in Marina Del Rey. He got into a green Subaru with a brunette who was entirely too hot for him. No leftover Sunday brunch was immediately visible in his ChiaBeard.

· 1-28-07 My boyfriend and I were at the Whole Foods on Fairfax and Santa Monica to pick up some dinner. As soon as we walked in, my boyfriend went crazy over a stringy, tapered-jean-wearing, thin-haired girl who appeared as if she hadn't seen a bottle of conditioner in three weeks. Excitedly he grabbed my arm to come look at Amy Smart, however, I was extremely underwhelmed. Standing before me was a cancer patient with over-processed, unnatural black witch hair. She looked like a waif in a ratty sweatshirt picking out string beans (apparently it's the new south beach diet). Anyway, she was nothing to write home about. The cash register boy said it best himself, "Yah, she comes here all the time... she looks like shit". As a side note, while we were checking out, I offered to pay for our meal as Fabio turned to me squinting in his tight LA Choppers jersey, high cut washed out Levi's, and his very 2005 cowboy boots. I don't know about you, but I can believe it's not butter.

· leaving a lunch meeting at Hugos yesterday 1-25 around 2pm i was walking down to the parking lot next door and i saw a cute old guy standing with a group of young cute guys i had to walk through them and i looked up to see David Hockney smoking with his little cap on and that wonderful voice. I hadn't seen him out in a long time, looks older, but oh so amazing!

well that is my first sighting comment...........by the way my meeting sucked.

· Everything around me in the strip mall was in Spanish. I was terrified, and trying to find The Good Chiropractor (flying cross country 8 million times in a middle seat is rough). Ray of sunshine, even at 9am on a Saturday, Molly Stanton — the hetero twin from Twins (way back when we still had the WB), holding an icy Starbucks, like a vision, bounded in to the office. People who can move freely should not be chipper around grouchy, non-Starbucks anointed people who just want caffeine and an adjustment.

· Yesterday (1-24) saw Jeffrey Jones dining at Chan Darette, on Pico in West LA. He is ginormous and looks really...bad, to be frank. I guess he's old now. My dining companion remarked, didn't he suffer from some health issues recently? I didn't recall that, but I do remember something about him being busted for downloading underage porn. Classy! Jeffrey dined with two older male companions, they looked like they were having a good time.

In today's episode: Victoria Beckham; Daniel Craig; Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard; Bruce Willis, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Allison Janney and Terry Bradshaw; Dustin Hoffman; Lindsay Lohan; Nick Stahl; Paris Hilton; Vanessa Marcil; Erik Palladino, Devon Gummersall and Barry Pepper; Eric Szmanda; DJ AM; Justin Berfield; Tom Green; Rickie Lee Jones; Kimberly Stewart.

· Talk about annoying! The woman is in this country for three days and she is already wreaking havoc for commoners trying to go about their business. The Grove was obviously not enough for one day. If it wasn't bad enough that at 5pm on a weekday, Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham is in Kitson with the door locked and the paparazzi all over the place, her bony, ego-maniacal, British behind caused a ridiculous backup of traffic on Robertson Blvd from before Beverly. Forget the plebs. Our wallets obviously are no match for Vic's celebrity-mongering drive to be seen in her new hometown. Needless to say, my carefully planned errand to return a measly pair of shoes to Kitson was foiled. Guess I'll have to just give Fraser a call next time to find out his schedule for hosting the menagerie of self-glorifying, snobbery in this town and their little camera holding parasites that follow their every move. Thanks for everything Vic! Hope you had a swell time!

· Work over in Century City (twin towers)... As I was walking back from the Westfield mall, Posh Spice is entering the newly opened CAA digs...1 down, 90000 more Posh sightings to go now that she'll be everywhere in LA

· Today 1/18 saw Mr. James Bond himself, Daniel Craig, with girlfriend Satsuki Mitchell (thanks imdb!!) at Bristol on Sunset today around lunchtime. He is very easy on the eyes in person and was rockin' some great jeans and sunglasses. She was gorgeous- they make one nice-looking couple. Didn't see what they picked as we checked out before them.

· Saw Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard at AMMO Thursday night (1-19) at 9 p.m. No babes—infant, Jake, or otherwise—put Peter introduced her fairly loudly to their two dining companions as "the mother of my child." They seemed almost giddily happy, in much a way that I know I shall never be. I'm going to eat some Redi Whip directly from the can now. See ya.

· Went to the CUT (1-15), Wolf Gang Puck's place at the Regent Beverly Wilshire. I saw a few people there, Terry Bradshaw (Pittsburgh Steelers), Allison Janney...But two tables down from me was Bruce Willis eating dinner with Jeffrey Katzenberg and wife. Not sure who was sitting next to Bruce/ Possibly Daughter.

· Today I was walking back from grabbing a late lunch at the Whole Foods on San Vicente in Brentwood and who crosses my path but none other than the legendary Dustin Hoffman. Walking quickly in the rain, (caught without an umbrella) he seemed to be flanked by a 25-ish hipster guy. He looks really great for his age, although shorter than I expected (aren't they all?).

· I had a 7 day streak of being a celebrity pussy magnet, but unfortunately the only decent story I have is about semi-famous Nick Stahl's dipshit friend. Does that even count? Stahl, going for the 'too indie to shower' look and his hanger-on made eye contact with my friends and me at Winston's. They whispered something, then walked over and said dipshit hanger-on grabbed my friend's straw right out of her drink. She grabbed it back. He grabbed it again, dipped it into her drink, sucked up some liquid, deposited it into his mouth, then shimmied away. What the fuck was that?

Also, earlier that week - saw Lindsay Lohan (pre-rehab, post-appendix liberation) sharing a table with titty guru Joe Francis. I can't even imagine the STD that those two sleeping together would hatch.

· Back from visiting LA... saw a drunk Paris Hilton late Saturday night (1/13) at Area. She was stumbling across the dance floor as her security entourage pushed aside the gaggle of poseurs as she left.

· Saw Vanessa Marcil at Cobras and Matadors on Beverly Tuesday. She is TEENY TINY. She seemed nice, though, so my companions and I didn't ask her about her relationship with Brian Austin Green, the existence of which she has denied despite the fact that they have a child together.

· 1/17 Larchmont was filled with b-listers. At Peet's... Erik Palladino hanging out with the guy who played the sensitive guy on My So Called Life (not Wilson Cruz, the gay one, but the other kid who liked Claire Danes) [Devon Gummersall]. Barry Pepper also came in for a few minutes to chat them up.

· 01/17
I just saw Eric Szmanda (Greg from CSI) at the Starbucks at Olympic and Sawtelle sometime around 1PM. He was wearing plenty of blue (top, jeans, shoes) and looked a little older and meaner than he does on the show. Pretty skinny. No chit chat...just paid for his drink (I think it was bottled water — imagine that), grabbed some napkins, and almost ran out of the store.

· 1/17 - I saw DJ AM, nee Adam Goldstein, at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Sunset and Fairfax. He drove his little silver Prius in, was very polite to the baristas, and then sat talking shop with a blonde guy for about half an hour.

· I was with some friends on Catalina Island recently. Everyone is rockin and nazzing to the music in a bar El Galleon (i think) and it got to be a pretty wild scene. When 1am rolls around a girlfriend and I look up to the upper level of the bar/resturant because there was a group of people who were acting even more insane and loud than the lower level crowd below. Then we realized that in the center of that group was Justin Berfield (that cute, but hottie in person punk brother from Malcolm in the Middle) and he was clearly getting his lips licked by someone clearly older than him and he was the only one acting sober. Everyone downstairs starting chanting. To make things even more surreal we were told that all of our drinks for our group of girls had been bought by him when we went to sign our bill hours after he had left. YOU GO REESE, get that MILF!

· Tom Green is having lunch with an agent type at Frida in Beverly Hills. Looks serious and balding and dishevelled. Perhaps negotiating for work? What does he do these days in L.A...I thought he was back in parents basement in Ottawa.

· Lunching 3:30ish 1-17 at Victor's: Rickie Lee Jones.

· Not sure if she really qualifies as a celebrity but just saw Kimberly Stewart at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on North Beverly Dr in Beverly Hills. She was wearing an ankle cast and made her getaway in a white Range Rover. There was a lone paparazzi hanging around outside waiting to photograph her. I suppose the lone paparazzi pretty much clears up my uncertainty about her level of celebrity.

A teaser trailer for Live Free Or Die Hard intended to premiere in front of Eragon and Pursuit of Happyness today was "accidentally" leaked online yesterday afternoon by Yahoo! (the offending page was quickly pulled), a completely unorchestrated error that resulted in the clip's immediate proliferation on the YouTubes. (Egads! What will the studio do to counteract the publicity disaster represented by a fully finished movie commercial getting out 15 hours early? Heads will roll!) At the risk of becoming party to Fox's transparent ploy to build buzz for the resurrection of its moribund "desperate guy fighting terrorists all by himself" franchise, we present the teaser, in which so much shit blows up and so many cars are launched through the air in a single minute (without a hint of plot) that we wouldn't have been surprised to see the words "A BRETT RATNER FILM" pass across the screen.

• Previously: Bruce Willis' Comeback Vehicle To Royally Fuck Up Your Commute [Defamer]

The production company stated in its letter of intent and permit applications that it will use pyrotechnics (explosives) and "gunfire for the entire time" of the filming. One helicopter is scheduled to be used during weekend filming, and "there will be larger explosions" with accompanying smoke early morning of Sundays, Nov. 5 and 12.

There's probably an entire class of angry commuter who can't be placated by ultimately impotent wishes for vengeance; we recommend that these more proactive motorists express their displeasure by lighting on fire and then abandoning their vehicles in front of Fox's Century City studio lot ("gunfire for the entire time" is completely optional) during afternoon rush hour, offering production executives a small taste of the inconvenience their location shoot is inflicting upon the freeways near LAX.

• Live Free, Die Hard, Sit In Traffic Outside LAX [CBS News va LA Voice.org]

At Scott Caan's photo exhibit party in Los Angeles, Clooney told his buddy that "several of the middle-aged guests were hitting on his 18-year-old daughter, Rumer."

Says our spy: "Bruce kept getting madder and madder with each guy George mentioned."

Eventually the jig was up when Rumer came over and said, "Dad, George told me to tell you that — uh, I forget his name — was talking to me."

Willis, always the good sport, instantly erupted into a fit of laughter as he realized his poker-faced pal had been pulling his leg all along. It would end up coming back to haunt the notorious prankster, however, when Clooney later tapped Willis on the shoulder and expressed concern that his youngest daughter, 12-year-old Tallulah Belle, had just slinked off to the stairwell with James Woods in one hand and bottle of Moët & Chandon in the other— a disconcerting observation that, sadly, no amount of pleading or plaintive eye-contact from the Oscar-Winner Who Cried Wolf could help convince his friend was anything more than yet another mischievous practical joke.

• Bruce is put through the Rumer mill [NY Daily News]

"Why go through [arguing]? Demi told me once, 'When you're right, that's all you get to be.' And for some reason, that made sense to me...We had one argument in the first three months of dating, and since then we haven't had any."

"In order for it all to work, I have to have a good relationship with Bruce. He's not 'the other guy.' He's not in competition. We have our own friendship. I'm not saying it's not hard, man."

"There is not a human being I could love more than [my stepdaughters] and their mom. If I had a daughter that was of my blood, I wouldn't love that child any more...I feel like I have three kids, and we'll see whether we're given another child."

It's touching that Kutcher has all but convinced himself that Willis' kids are his own, a conceit which implies the impressively hyperaccelerated physiological feat of having fathered his first child at the age of ten. Even more moving is the inner peace Willis—whose last vestiges of a mojo appear to have been devoured by a six-foot-tall, camera-hogging racoon—seems to have achieved with the current domestic arrangement, admirably resisting any triple-murder-suicide impulses every time
12-year-old Tallulah snaps at him that "Ashton always lets me pour bourbon on my Count Chocula, and besides, you're too old to be my daddy!"

• Ashton: Demi and I Never Argue [People.com]

• Guyz Nite [Guyznite.com]
• Today In Bruce Willis: 'Die Hard 4' Gets A Release Date, Bruno Sues Childhood Pal [Defamer]

In another Bruce Willis-related tidbit, it seems that not even the Die Hard 4 release news was enough to push BruceWillis.com to the next level. What's it going to take, an official attachment to Striking Distance 2?

• Willis cops summer '07 bow [Variety]
• Bruce Willis Says He's The Victim of a Shakedown [TMZ.com]
• Bruce Willis Is Getting Really Sick Of Posing With The Fucking Raccoon [Defamer]