to do

Of Scientology, Herbal Boner Remedies And Wango Tango

The following email, which was sent to me by Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, arrived in my inbox sometime during the middle of last night. That is all the context you need at this point:

Grambone,
Last night I wanted to film the To Do's outside of the Celeb Center, so me and my friend rolled up around 12-something AM to stand in front of the sign and do my bit. We were there for all of two minutes maybe, just figuring out the lighting and stuff when a Scientology bike cop rolled up to us and was all "What are you doing?" and we were all "Taking a picture" and he was all "Why are you doing that?" and then we were like "'Cause of celebrities and stuff." And then he came back with "Are you guys celebrities?" and then I reality checked myself and I was all "No, but this is a popular place for them to hang out". So he was looking at us like we were insane at that point, and honestly, I wasn't exactly hitting grand slams with my lies, I was trying to play up the whole "I'm in town from Yeehaw Junction! I don't know any better!" vibe, but let's face it, I radiate "Old Pro", you know what I mean? So then he's looking at us and he just says "Well, ya know, people don't normally do that" and I was just all "Well, we didn't realize it was off limits. I apologize for worrying you" and then we walked off down the street like "Whatevskis" but he was totally on our tail the whole way down the street.

Basically, this is a long-winded way of saying two things:
1) I wound up buying male sex stimulant at 7-11 and attempted to give myself a boner.
2) If I don't come into work on Monday, it's because I'm dead. Please send someone to collect my dog and hide my pot before my mom gets here to send my mortal possessions back to Boston. Thanks,
Molls

After that introduction, how could you NOT want to watch the video for this weekend's To Do's?


More »

boners

Arousing Mariah Carey Cover Elicits Standing O From 'Idol' Judge Randy Jackson's Pants

There were plenty of noteworthy moments from last night's American Idol Tribute to the Many Songs and Slutty Looks of Mariah Carey, from David Cook's soundtrack-ready, grungemo rendition of "Always Be My Baby," to a stirring performance of ''When You Believe" by a leather bepanted David Archuleta (who could have just as easily located the spiritually redeeming undercurrent to the "shoe do do do do do do do/shoe do do do do do do yeahs" of "Fantasy"). But the most thrilling development, for us at least, came not from the stage, but rather the judge's table, shortly before Randy Jackson was called upon to apply his highly attuned pitchydar to Carly Smithson's take on "Without You." More »