Ashton Kutcher Stole That Sports Coat From Bob Uecker

Cameron Diaz And Lake Bell Square Off In Epic Battle Of The Hemlines

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."

Endeavor Gets Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher

It's a story as old as Hollywood itself: An attractive actor who's done everything he can to get himself into the spotlight just can't get the roles he wants. Is it because his acting isn't quite up to par? Of course not... It's because his agent sucks!

Everyone's favorite actor/producer/restaurateur Ashton Kutcher has announced he is leaving Endeavor, the agency he's been with for a decade, and for the cozier confines of the CAA Death Star. Known for their ability to revive careers, CAA may have an uphill battle with an actor whose only successful role was also his first (as lovable dimwit Michael Kelso on That '70s Show).

Audrina Patridge Isn't Punking You; She Just Always Wanted An Oozing Arm Tattoo Declaring Her Love For Pork-Fried Rice

You've got to wake up puh-retty early in the morning to pull a fast one past the celebrity blogging community, Ashton Kutcher. At least that's what approximately 1200 gossip bloggers were saying today when faced with photos of The Hills supporting ho Audrina Patridge getting some tasty new ink at a Hollywood tattoo parlor. According to OK! magazine, the mystic Chinese phraseology she had etched into her forearm and then paraded, still-oozing, around high-density local paparazzi zones, translates loosely as, "The rice is fried in pork fat." (We throw it open to our Chinese-tattoo-translating readership for a more accurate interpretation.)

In The World Of 'Pop Fiction,' Nothing Eva Longoria-Related Is What It Seems

If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

A Well-Intentioned Hotel Heiress Turns The Tables On Today's Nefarious Celebrity-Industrial Complex

By now, we realize that we were "pap'd" by the Paris-and-Guru photo opportunity a few weeks ago, which was orchestrated by the devious media mastermind Ashton Kutcher and broadcast on Sunday night as part of his new show Pop Fiction. In the clip above, we watch Paris engage in her pre-hoax therapy-style production meeting, where she states that there is a "time and place" for all the paparazzi attacks launched against her, but that she has become exhausted by all of the unwanted attention. In order to put the papps in their place, she decided to combat all the unwanted press and guerilla forces NOT by avoiding attention, but rather by hitting some of her favorite hotspots with a mint-addicted healer impersonator in tow. That'll show em!

Ashton Kutcher To Fix It So You Never Believe Anything You Read About That Paris Hilton Whore Again

Finally! Someone has the guts to stand up for the world's downtrodden hotel heiresses, whose only desire is that they be left to live their lives in peace, free from the flashbulb-popping scavengers of the celebrity media. That's what has emerged from the recent photos published just about everywhere—including here—of Paris Hilton, accompanied by what turns out was not her guru, but an actor hired to fool us into thinking as much by Ashton Kutcher's new prank series, Pop Fiction:

Pop Fiction, an eight-episode series, is a prank show targeting paparazzi and gullible media outlets. It's made with the eager help of stars, who were the laughing stocks of Kutcher's former MTV show.

Cougar Queen Demi Moore Contemplates Her Man-Harem

The Kutcher-Moores grace the pages of the April issue of Harper's Bazaar, in which the First Family of Cougardom weigh in on a number of topics, including how they manage to keep their Kabbalic faith after other celebrities have moved on to even trendier catalogue-order religions. But it's the subject of Moore's ex-husband and Rumer-fatherer Bruce Willis, who maintains an improbably cozy relationship with his Gen Y usurper, that repeatedly pops up:

Demi: You know, I didn't get married and have children so I could get a divorce, get remarried, and get along with my ex-husband. But since that is what happened, I am grateful it turned out this way. [...]

Tyra Banks And Ashton Kutcher Combine Deadly Reality Forces

· If the concept of the two names Tyra Banks and Ashton Kutcher (Tyrashton?) melding into a single, reality-TV -producing force for ABC would drive you to incontinence with excitement, well, maybe you should take a bathroom break before reading this story. [THR]
· Quarterlife, the drama from the creators of thirtysomething that started as a pilot at ABC, then got resuscitated for MySpace, and finally was resurrected on NBC, tanked last night, posting a 1.6 rating/4 share. The series about "twentysomethings coming of age in the digital generation" was doomed to be outdated before it ever reached a wide audience, already replaced with far more timely takes on the same material, like ABC's mid-season replacement, Tumblr Road. [Variety]

Ashton-Bash Hepatitis ScareWatch: The NYC Dept. of Health Statement

We certainly didn't mean to contribute to any level of mass panic with our urgent-yet-responsible (we like to think it was just hysterical enough) noting of a Hepatitis A scare at Ashton Kutcher's recent star-studded birthday bash. Minutes after hitting publish, however, the sight of more than a few civilians running past Defamer HQ windows, shouting things like, "We're all going to die, and that guy from Dude, Where's My Car? is the one to blame! No, not Stifler—the other oooonneeee..." before trailing off into the distance, led us to wonder if perhaps we shouldn't clarify the situation further for our readers. So to be sure, this celebrity outbreak is limited to the NYC area—unless, of course, any of the dozens of L.A.-based guests in attendance made their way back here in the ensuing two weeks, and chose to mingle with our general population. But what are the chances of that? Because accurate information at times like these is key, a Defamer operative has sent in the official statement from NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene ("NOT the Board of Health," as has been misreported), which we dutifully reprint for you here:

2008 Health Alert # 4: Exposure to hepatitis A in bar patrons

Read the rest after the jump:

Ashton Kutcher 30th Birthday Hepatitis ScareWatch: Madonna, Gwyneth, Salma, Kate At Risk!

Mid-February must be Hepatitis A season, as nearly a year-to-the-day from the Wolfgang Puck scare that made rubber surgical gloves and gas masks the accessories of choice at awards season soirées comes another potentially devastating celebrity contagion. Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday [ed. note: Again?] two weeks ago at a club in New York, but it's only just now surfaced that a waitress working there at the time was infected with the jaundicing disease, putting such luminaries in attendance as Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow (and, to a lesser urgent-extent, Molly Sims and Rachel Zoe) at risk. Star magazine reports:

A waitress at the Feb. 7 party at New York club Socialista tested positive for hepatitis A, a source at the New York Board of Health confirms to Star.

Ashton Kutcher Offers Christmas Greetings As Destitute, Drunk, Reindeer-Humping Santa Claus

In easily his most nuanced, touching performance since the revelatory scene in Dude, Where's My Car? in which the actor's face slowly twists into a mask of devastation and confusion as he realizes his beloved vehicle is indeed missing, Ashton Kutcher, in a video "holiday card" for his Katalyst Films production company, movingly portrays a Santa Claus beset by the acrimonious breakdown of talks with an unreasonable Elf Guild and a coordinated walkout by his trusted team of reindeer.

NBCU Family Recycles Smoking, Outsourcing

· Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Feature-to-TV Recycling Edition: Demonstrating a company-wide commitment to reducing its new-idea-footprint, NBC Universal's USA Network plans a TV series based on Thank You for Smoking, while its NBC flagship will try to adapt Outsourced into a primetime workplace comedy. [Variety, Variety]
· If this doesn't stoke your interest in the upcoming Ashton Kutcher/Carmeon Diaz comedy What Happens in Vegas... (not to be confused with the recently announced, Kutcher-free Dude, Where's My Groom?) nothing will: Queen Latifah has signed on for a cameo so hilarious that if the details of her participation were to escape, the entire project would be doomed to turnaround. [THR]
· Just in case you hadn't heard, last week's WGA contract talks weren't as friendly as they could have been. [Variety]
· NBC wins Sunday night behind its Packers-Bears football game, beating lineups from ABC and CBS that dropped off from last week's numbers. [THR]
· While American moviegoers largely shunned this weekend's offerings, overseas ticket-buyers turned out for Rataouille to the the tune of $19.7 million. [Variety]

Ashton Kutcher's Guide To Never Upstaging Your Cougar Lady

Now that wife Demi Moore has pried the trucker hat from betwixt his twitching fingers and buried it in the backyard, Ashton Kutcher evidently feels uniquely qualified to help us bid adieu to the concept of the preening, pomade-encrusted metrosexual — so 2004 — and usher in a new era in the storied history of male grooming. In an essay the actor penned for Harper's Bazaar, Kutcher helpfully suggests that women should treat their dates like the pretty, empty husks of man-candy that they are:

His advice for women: "You never want people to notice your accessories. ... In this same way, your man should not upstage you. He is there to highlight you."