Defamer: Apple

For Just $10 Million, Jerry Seinfeld Gave Microsoft This Shoegazing Stumper

Kyle Buchanan — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:00:00 PDT

In its bid to top the deceptively simple "I"m a Mac/I'm a PC" ad campaign of its rival, Microsoft went big, hiring auteur Michel Gondry to direct a commercial featuring Jerry Seinfeld alongside Bill Gates (update: we've been informed that though Gondry shot at least one commercial for this campaign, this particular ad was crafted by director Bryan Buckley). For his involvement, Seinfeld was handsomely compensated to the tune of $10 million — a big number, but small potatoes compared to the whole ad campaign's rumored $300 million budget. For that kind of cash, you might expect the end result to be an orgy of CGI with all participants covered in a thick sheen of liquid gold. However, Microsoft had something considerably quieter and more head-scratching in mind. Take a look at the lackadaisical proceedings and then try to physically restrain yourself from bolting out the door to buy a PC. That is what's being advertised, isn't it? [Microsoft]

Wouldn't It Be Cool If We All Did This At The Same Time?

Douglas Reinhardt — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 09:20:00 PDT

Boomp3.com

Mac Guy Justin Long took a moment out of his undoubtedly busy schedule to chat up with a couple of Mac fanatics over the weekend. The friendly females gushed over Long's performance in Waiting before launching in a diatribe against the iPhone 3G and all of its problems. Long told the ladies that he had no control over that and admitted that he was having problems as well. Looking to change the topic, Long ran his fingers through his hair, which accidentally created a trigger effect with his female fans. Thinking he may have stumbled onto a Pied Pieper like ability, Long then ran his fingers through his mane one more time to see if the women would once again follow suit. He was crushed to learn that it was a one-time only occurence.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Wait, Where Are You Going With My Girl, Dawg?

Douglas Reinhardt — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:40:00 PDT

Popular internet personality Lindsay Lohan left the grand opening of Apple Lounge with the aid of a handsome, unidentified man on Thursday night. Lohan's life long chum/personal DJ, Samantha Ronson, was shocked to see her personal Peppermint Patty walking hand-in-hand with another person. Ronson then approached the man, readjusted her hat and asked, "'Ey yo! Bro, where you going with my peppermint? I mean do you have permission to touch my peppermint?" Lohan told Sam to chillax and that the man was just helping her out of the lounge and everything will be cool once they share a smoke.

[Photo Credit: X17]

Gwyneth Paltrow's Kids In Rehearsals For Cross-Dressing Toddler Tour

Molly Friedman — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:50:00 PDT

Our borderline obsession with Gwyneth Paltrow’s new look as a S&M fetishist during her Iron Man promotional Tour of Transparent Minidresses may have rubbed off on lookalike daughter Apple. But not the way you’d think. Rather than doing the typical copycat routine most little girls go through when their mom is hot, the 4-year old papier-mache donkey fan is not turning herself into a fashionista, but using little brother Moses as her muse. As Paltrow says, “She makes Moses cross-dress.” The question is: how far is Apple taking the tranny toddler theme, and does this mean little Moses is destined for an adolescence of boy-curious desires like his dear old Dad?

Admittedly, the tousled blondie Moses would probably look very hot to trot in a pair of Mom's tarantula heels, but being the devoted maternal icon Gwyneth is, we hope she puts a stop to this cross-dressing business at footwear considering the kid can barely walk yet. And Paltrow makes sure to backpedal on the overshare with People by adding that "[Apple] doesn't put makeup on him!" Phew! As long as gollops of Merlot-shaded lipstick and inch-long eyelash extensions aren't included in Apple's bag of cross-dressing tricks, we can all breathe a sigh of relief that Moses won't follow in the footsteps of Brad Pitt penis-envying Chris Martin, who wound up so bicurious he became convinced Gwyneth's "boobs are fantastic" just to straighten out.

[Photo credits: X17, FilmMagic]

GWYNETH PALTROW: APPLE MAKES MOSES CROSS-DRESS! [People]

Fiddlesticks, They Never Have What I Want!

Douglas Reinhardt — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 10:05:00 PDT

boomp3.com

On the set of her latest film, Labor Pains, Lindsay Lohan ran into a different kind of pain at the craft service table. Earlier in the day, Lohan had over heard a couple crew members raving about the donuts; in particular, the apple fritters at the craft service table. Yet, by the time, Lohan managed to make her way to the craft services, all of the pastries were gone. She asked a P.A. where had all the donuts gone, but the P.A. shrugged his shoulders and said, "I don't know, but they were really awesome. I think Stan in the camera department might have half of an apple fritter. I can check for you." Lohan decided against sharing the donut and picked up an apple instead. Lohan said, "If I can't have the delicious sugary baked thing, then I guess I'll have the boring, somewhat healthy thing as a snack."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

Why Don't We Feel Better About All These New Movies on ITunes?

STV — Thu, 01 May 2008 12:30:00 PDT

The inevitable grouping of the major studios under the iTunes roof finally occurred today, when Apple officially announced it had reached agreements with Universal, Paramount, Fox, Warner Bros., Sony and Lionsgate (along with previous bedfellow Disney) on day-and-date downloads of their new DVD titles. The studios had made most releases available for rental since earlier this year (with catalog titles for sale before that), but this marks the first time users can buy and download new releases on their DVD street dates.

The good news: You can wait and watch Made of Honor on your iPod in about three months! The bad news: It'll cost you $14.99 to download it. (Or $9.99 three months after that.) And for digital media that costs exactly nothing to reproduce, package or distribute, we think that amounts to little more than information highway robbery. And just in time for the studios to stonewall SAG on new-media revenues!

Or maybe they're not quite connected — yet. Conceding it would get paid for new media when studios got paid, the WGA settled its strike in February by negotiating for roughly 2% of studios' online grosses each year through 2011. But in an earnings call yesterday, Time Warner CEO Jeff Bewkes cited a 60%-70% profit margin during a VOD trial for Warner Bros. films on cable — more than twice the return on Time Warner DVD rentals. It's anyone's guess how that shakes out in terms of purchases, but with DVD sales last quarter at $3.5 billion, and with a fairly clear break between online and traditional media consumers, even a tenth of that revenue online would be enough for SAG president/time-bomb Alan Rosenberg to reinforce the hard line as the first round of negotiations come to a close Friday.

Moreover, as an observant tipster pointed out to us this morning, the markup on these downloads is pretty obscene, maybe even illegal. After piracy concerns were allayed in the last year, pricing was the only remaining sticking point for Apple — which wanted to keep purchases at $10 — and studios, which compromised at $15. Albums on iTunes cost an average of 40% less than their CD counterparts; but with online retailers and box stores pressuring DVD prices below $20, why should they get away with a difference as little as 15% in some markets — especially with no extra features or deluxe packaging? The courts have even addressed this before, but it usually applies to manufacturers complaining about suppliers, not the other way around. Someone! Get the FTC on the line!

Purchase New Movies on iTunes [Apple]

Apple/'Idol' Partnership Produces The Prone-To-Breakdowns iPaula

Seth — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 12:51:57 PST

· In an uncomfortable marriage pitting one of the coolest brands on the planet with, um, a lesser-cool brand, Apple has become a signature sponsor of American Idol. What does this mean for you, the Apple/Idol fan? iTunes carries show downloads, the iPod becomes the show's "official digital music player," and the company's next top-secret product launch, the iPaula, will perform all the functions of the iPhone, but with improved wasted and weepy functionality. [Variety]
· Toshiba concedes defeat in the high-def war, giving Blu-ray the official win, and relegating HD-DVD to the obsolete technology junkpile. (Attention unnamed dance-punk bands: Blu-Ray Or HD-DVD is up for grabs!) [Variety]

· Juno is officially the biggest sorta-indie movie success since My Big Fat Greek Wedding, boding not well for CBS's planned sitcom, How I Was Conceived By My Mother, which picks up where the action left off. [Variety]
· Summit Entertainment is pinning its hopes on Twilight, a vampire movie with "strong elements of a high-school romance," (read: One Bat Hill, The O-Positive C, Gossip Ghoul...OK, we'll stop.) [THR]
· Ryan Phillippe falls into Ari Emanuel's firm-yet-tender embrace, and signs with Endeavor, fully sold on their partners' passionate, "Soon they'll be calling her the ex-Mrs. Phillippe!" platform. [THR]

Celine Dion To Reveal The Woman In Her In Shocking CBS Expose

Seth — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 12:08:24 PST

· Steve Jobs announced at Macworld that every major studio would now offer movies for rental on iTunes. $3.99 per new release gives you 30 days to start it, then 24 hours to finish it, and a virtually limitless amount of time to bitch about how you just blew $3.99 of beer money on Norbit. [THR]
· At last, Oprah Winfrey gets her OWN network: The Oprah Winfrey Network. (Get it? OWN?) When it debuts in 2009, look for her to select it as the Channel of the Month for her newly formed Oprah's TV Club, ensuring boffo launch ratings. [THR]
· With the one-two foam-baton punch of Deal or No Deal and American Gladiators, NBC easily swept up in the ratings last night, a victory they have a few hours to savor before Fox unleashes a rampaging, 70-foot Abdulosaur upon the TV landscape. [THR]

· The High School Musical gang has signed on for another sequel, High School Musical 3: Senior Year, which will escape from the basic cable ghetto to premiere in theaters. [Variety]
· Celine Dion: That's Just the Woman in Me, a special taped Saturday at the Wiltern will air Feb. 15 on CBS. We realize this isn't a groundbreaking announcement, but it did provide a nice excuse to run that ridiculous photo. [Variety]

Will Smith Retains Services Of 'Happyness' Heartstring-Tugging Technicians Once Again

Mark — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 12:04:57 PDT

· Will Smith re-teams with his Pursuit of Happyness creatives for Seven Pounds, the story of a guy who falls in love while trying to kill himself [Ed.note—Isn't it a little tacky to be announcing a suicide movie so soon after the Owen incident? Just sayin'.], hoping that audiences will shed just as many tears watching Smith nobly overcome personal adversity as they did when he was hugging his kid while sleeping in that filthy Happyness bathroom. [Variety]
· Audiences will get a chance to see David Duchovny try to fuck away the pain of being a writer for another twelve episodes, as Showtime gives Californication a second season pick-up. [THR]
· Apple keeps trying to drive away the Hollywood content partners that just want to love them, proposing to cut the price of TV episodes to 99 cents. [Variety]
· Rupert Murdoch gets a pay raise to $24.3 million per year, but still officially makes less than News Corp second banana Peter Chernin. [THR]
· And in other continuing-cinematic-love-affair news, Joaquin Phoenix and director James Gray can't get enough of each other, teaming up for the third time for the drama Two Lovers. [Variety]

I, Rudin

Mark — Thu, 06 Sep 2007 11:53:39 PDT

· The trades mourn the recent silencing of their favorite of the Three Tenors. [Variety, THR] [THR]
· Scott Rudin beats out Warner Bros, Universal, Sony, and New Line for the movie rights to the historical novel I, Claudius, with Leo DiCaprio and his The Departed screenwriter William Monahan expected to jump ship from their failed WB bid to join the winning Rudin team. [Variety]
· The Agent Dance, East Coast Edition: NY-based CAA bigshot Bart Walker leaves the evil agenting monolith to form a talent management division at indie film powerhouse Cinetic. We expect reports of the mysterious torching of Walker's apartment to emerge shortly. [THR]
· Apple and Hollywood still can't decide whether to fuck or fight. [Variety]
· Studio execs head into the Toronto Film Festival with "fat wallets and a healthy appetite for product," ready to snap up any movie they think might make a buck during a possible strike by the guilds. [Variety]

John Cusack's Action Hero Dreams Dashed

Seth — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 11:30:56 PDT

· We're impressed with Variety's show of headline-pun restraint with this one: The plug has been pulled on Stopping Power, Jan De Bont's planned action thriller starring John Cusack, after funding fell through at the last minute. [Variety]
· Conflicting with other reports, Ang Lee's Lust, Caution "thrilled" Venice audiences. One journalist asked if the graphic sexual sequences were real, to which the director responded, "Have you seen the film?" Funny—we always felt what The Hulk could have used were some Brown Bunnyesque elements. [Variety]
· ABC orders a script for The Fixer, about "the most powerful woman in New York." We knew it was only a matter of time before Leona Helmsley's dogwalker had her own show. [Variety]
· NBC and Apple have a parting of the ways, with NBC's content disappearing from iTunes as soon as December. Why can't Steve Jobs and Ben Silverman just iron this bullshit out over a couple of primo bong hits? [THR]
· Giovanni Ribisi is pulled in by the CAA Death Star's tractor beams. Run, Giovanni! They're nothing but a greedy and secretive institution that want to have undue influence over your life decisions! [THR]

Trade Round-Up: Two Words: Singing Bee

Mark — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 12:46:58 PDT

· U.K.'s ITV and NBC are concurrently developing their own versions of the gameshow The Great American Singing Bee from producers Phil Gurin and Bob Horowitz. But how was such a brilliant concept hatched? "Horowitz 'came to me and said, "Two words: Singing bee," ' Gurin said. 'I said, "Bingo," and we began developing it.'" NBC is also expected to buy the still-undefined, bingo-related concept mentioned in the pitch duo in the coming days, which could involve people shouting at a cage full of numbered ping-pong balls and become a natural companion piece to current hit Deal or No Deal. [Variety]
· EMI makes deal with Apple to sell songs online without digital rights management protection, which will allow iTunes users to download all the copy-protection-free Coldplay songs their iPods can handle. [THR]
· Stephen King's son accepts his birthright of having his horror novel adapted into a feature film, with Neil Jordan directing and Akiva Goldman producing a movie version of Heart-Shaped Box, a spooky tale of a haunted killer suit bought on eBay. [Variety]
· While CBS wins the evening in the 18-49 demo with the NCAA tournament championship game, its final number will probably indicate it was the fourth-lowest-rated one in the last 10 years. Take that, Joakim Noah! [THR]
· MTV greenlights the Ashton Kutcher game show pilot 3 Kings, hoping that their relationship with the star won't fizzle out after Punk'd ends after its upcoming, final season. [Variety]

Trade Round-Up: NBC Madness!

Mark — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 11:50:41 PST

· NBC will hand over Aaron Sorkin's 10 p.m. Monday night Studio 60 timeslot to Paul Haggis' drama The Black Donnellys starting on March 5, hoping that the heavy-handed, fender-bender-loving double Oscar winner's new series will hang on to some of hit lead-in Heroes' viewers, but promises that S60 will return to their airwaves at an unspecified date. Also: 30 Rock's slot is being temporarily donated to the Conan O'Brien/Andy Richter midseason comedy Andy Barker, PI, but will be back on April 19th. [Variety]
· In case you haven't heard: Jeff Zucker's getting a nice little promotion over at NBCU 2.0. [Variety, THR]
· And in other NBC front-office news, NBC Entertainment president/scene-stealing The Office dayplayer Kevin Reilly is looking like a good bet to have his expiring contract renewed. (Actually, a very good bet, as the WSJ just reported [sub. req'd.] he's been given a new contract.) [Variety]
· Super Bowl XLI's ratings are "great but not spectacular." We suspect that the event's failure to reach "spectacular" levels was due to intense competition from the far more compelling Puppy Bowl III on Animal Planet. [THR]
· Apple (computers) and Apple Corps. (The Beatles) settle the legal dispute over their shared name, allowing for the possibility that Beatles songs might one day be hawked on iTunes. [Variety]

Trade Round-Up: 'Idol' Huge Again, Dillon Assimilated

Mark — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 10:58:11 PST

· The second night of American Idol is only slightly less huge than the first, pulling in 36.9 million viewers between 8-10 p.m. This thing's ready to burn out any second now, we can feel it. [Variety]
· Actor Matt Dillon is assimilated by the CAA agent-Borg, voluntarily entering their blood-draining embrace after being dazzled by their shiny new Century City headquarters. [THR]
· CBS picks up the 15th and 16th editions of Survivor, which will both air in the 07-08 season. Publicity-attracting concepts for the planned installments haven't yet been announced, but insiders expect a new, human sacrifice element to be added to the tribal council segment during one of the upcoming cycles. [Variety]
· Kyra Sedgwick signs a new deal with TNT that will keep her on The Closer through its seventh season, grant her a producer title, and pay her a reported $250,000-300,000 per episode. For a basic cable show? Really? [THR]
· In news as surprising as American Idol's ratings, Apple sold a lot of iPods over the holidays, solidifying the music player as the leading gift for those who couldn't be bothered to think of something original to give their loved ones. [Variety]

Trade Round-Up: Jim Carrey Hears A Who

Mark — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 12:40:24 PDT

At yesterday's big, overblown Apple press conference, Steve Jobs unveiled a magical box that allows people to stream their iTunes purchases from their computer to their television. [Variety]
Producers of the CGI-animated version of Horton Hears a Who will lock Jim Carrey in a sound booth, press record on the console, and return three days later to see what improvisational magic he's added to the shredded script pages littering the floor of the studio. [THR]
At a Hollywood Radio & TV Society luncheon, an atypically diplomatic Les Moonves reserved judgment on ABC's decision to air its controversial Path to 9/11 miniseries, and declined to publicly gloat over Tom Freston's firing from Viacom, "because I'll only get myself in trouble." We're sure he's just feeling a little bit under the weather and will return to his old, rival-taunting self at the next media conference. [Variety]
America still hasn't satisfied its appetite for washed-up celebrities tripping over professional dancers, as the season premiere of Dancing with the Stars leads ABC to an overall ratings victory. [THR]
Perhaps feeling that the unbearably perky Katie Couric is not suited to the task of delivering them sad news, channel-switching viewers drop her CBS telecast to third place on 9/11. [Variety]

Trade Round-Up: Disney Takes Over Your iPod

Mark — Tue, 12 Sep 2006 12:32:28 PDT

In an announcement that surprised approximately no one, Apple reveals that it will offer full-length Disney movies in the iTunes store. Equally unsurprising is Steve Jobs' desire to sell you a slightly improved video iPod on which to view your newly downloaded movies. [Variety]
· Peter Jackson options the historical fantasy series Temeraire, whose dragons-in-the-Age-of-Napoleon setting gets his naughty parts a-tingling: "I can't wait to see Napoleonic battles fought with a squadron of dragons. That's what I go to the movies for." [THR]
Gold Circle Films gives Batman franchise killer Joel Schumacher an opportunity to ply his hacky trade, signing him to direct the supernatural thriller Town Creek. [Variety]
· John Leguizamo dangles perilously close to infomercial-hosting career oblivion, signing up for a Spike TV pilot about a "bank heist that goes terribly awry," as basic cable bank heists are wont to do. [THR]
VH1 casts one of Flavor of Love's "eccentric" (read: utterly, weave-yankingly insane) contestants in her own dating show spin-off. Be very, very afraid. [Variety]

Comparisons To Barbra Streisand Drive Nellie McKay To Nervous Breakdown

Seth — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 16:48:12 PST

A truly gifted singer/songwriter usually can convey emotion and inner life through a few simple chords and some heartfelt vocals. Sometimes, however, it requires a little more. A reader sends in this report from last night's Nellie McKay performance:

Nellie McKay had a great show at the Troubadour [last night], but had a minor...actually, pretty severe on-stage meltdown near the beginning.

She was talking to the audience about the problems she's been having with Sony and someone shouted "Shut up and sing!" This seemed to touch a nerve with dear Nellie. After politely explaining to the miscreant that "If this continues with Sony, I will leave the music business, BITCH. And NEVER SING AGAIN," she started screaming and crying and "They say I'm just pulling a Barbra Streisand," and "You have NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH," and corporations are raping the world, etc. etc. As the audience, who had previously been laughing and hawing at everything she said, stood there in uncomfortable silence.

It was very Fiona Apple. Then she pulled it together and played for another hour and a half (in that respect, perhaps not so Fiona Apple). Despite this, awesome show. Love her.

In a recent LA Times review of her Wiltern show, Apple's stage demeanor was likened to an exorcism ("...she clutches her dress, twists her head and shakes her shoulders as if trying to exorcise the building tension inside"). Paired with the McKay report, it safely sounds like we are entering a Golden Era of Cute Singer/Songwriter Chicks on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. Look in coming months for forever cred-hungry Ashlee Simpson to once again ape the wild antics of her musical mentors, though her psychotic between-song patter threatening never to sing again will likely be greeted with thunderous applause.

Beware the sour Apple [LA Times]