"I think about life in a different way," he reveals. "I had kidney stones and was in the hospital for a week in July. I was freaking out thinking, If something happens to me, Dannielynn is by herself. I'm all this little one has left."

"I'm so paranoid medically with what we've been through," Birkhead tells Us. "If she has a sniffle: straight to the doctors. Anna had a fever when she passed away."

Birkhead is being wise to keep an eye out for the pitfalls that befell Anna Nicole. We'd even suggest he intervene should his daughter start bonding with any outrageously flamboyant, Asian-interior-decorating toddlers she happens to meet at daycare.

• EXCLUSIVE: See What Anna Nicole's Daughter Dannielynn Looks Like Now [Us]

Larry Birkhead paid nearly $3,000 at an auction Saturday for lingerie worn by late ex Anna Nicole Smith in a Playboy shoot.

Birkhead explained he paid $1,800 for a pink bustier and $1,000 for a white negligee because he wanted to give their 1-year-old daughter Dannielynn a keepsake of her mother.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," he told the Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career.

"You know, it's not something I can show today, but something down the road," he added. "It's not going to be in any bedtime stories anytime soon."

While others might condemn Birkhead for buying Anna Nicole's used underwear (the sort of skeevy practice usually reserved for Japanese businessmen), we applaud him. Sure, a bustier is a little provocative to give to a one-year-old, but this is the same child Anna Nicole underfed to keep "sexy." We imagine Birkhead is merely carrying out Anna Nicole's wishes, and we look forward to the day that dad and daughter can truly bond: by watching extended outtakes from Anna Nicole's role in the deliciously terrible Skyscraper.

• Larry Birkhead Buys Anna Nicole Smith's Old Lingerie for Dannielynn [Us Magazine]

Christopher Ciccone, Life With My Sister Madonna, Summer 2008: As the NY Post reports today, Madonna’s estranged gay brother has rushed out a “brutal” tell-all about growing up with the promiscuous and outspoken runaway, and we need only wait til next month to read the gruesome details: “’It's extremely graphic and devastating,’ said a source who declined to give details. ‘He wrote it on the sly without telling Madonna. They want to put it out before her lawyers can get a hold of it.’”
Donna Hogan, Train Wreck, 2007: Taking greedy advantage of sister Anna Nicole’s tragic and sudden death, Hogan’s aim seemed to be pure fame and cash. Portraying Anna as a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs all over television and in interviews, Hogan wound up looking like, and admitting to, being a trashy, money-grubbing, dumb blonde who abused drugs. Well done.
Vernon Winfrey, Things Unspoken, Unreleased: Though Oprah-fearing publishers have yet to offer Winfrey’s father a deal, excerpts from the manuscript painted a much-maligned and hateful picture of the rags-to-riches billionaire’s childhood: “Children need roots and limits and discipline. (And I don't mean time in time out. I mean the rod of correction, swung hard and often.)...Our daughter was out of hand, an unruly child...she stayed out all times of night and lied regarding her whereabouts, said she made herself known to boys.”

J.R. Watkins, Cleaning Out My Closet, 2002: Though not technically related to Eminem, Jenny Watkins was a close friend of the rapper and on-and-off wife Kim during his highest heights — and by high, we mean Jenny spends page after page discussing both Em’s and Kim’s drug use. From coke binges to Xanax addictions, Watkins portrays the couple as the modern-day Sid and Nancy with chapter titles like “Tossed Aside Like Garbage,” “Kim And Drugs,” and “White Trash.”
Nancy Aniston, From Mother And Daughter To Friends, 1999: One of the more depressing stories, Nancy reportedly mocked Jennifer’s appearance before she got the nose job and the big break, tried to reconcile once she did , but eventually took the low road by publishing this intimate book about Jen’s tumultuous childhood. The outcome? The two remain estranged, and in a public display of Aniston’s anger, she did not invite Nancy to her big, beautiful and doomed wedding to Brad Pitt the next year.

[Photo credit: OK!]

• LYNNE SPEARS'S MEMOIR SET FOR FALL RELEASE [People]

First, we present the predictable lot: Courtney Love, who Us claims "supported herself by stripping" after not fitting in at the girls reform school she attended. Then there's (RIP) Anna Nicole Smith, whose sordid past will soon be making its way to a television screen near you, followed by rapper Eve, who Us quotes as saying, "The money was good...I don't regret it at all."

But about those three Oscar noms? As for the guys, Brad Pitt and Javier Bardem, we'd pay good money for those shows. But Renee? Eh, ten years ago maybe, but we fear a pole could quite possibly break her in half these days.

[Photo Credits: Wireimage]

• STARS' SECRET STRIPPER PASTS [Us]

• Nasser Entertainment

Estate executor Howard K. Stern, meanwhile—whom you may or may not remember ignoring a child's pleas not to exploit a drug-addled Smith for a zombie-clown video—tells ET he's established the Anna Nicole and Daniel Wayne Smith Charitable Foundation: "It will benefit charitable causes that Anna Nicole supported during her life: children, the elderly, and the treatment and cure of AIDS. Hopefully it will grow, help more people each year, and eventually be headed by her daughter Dannielynn," an exciting possibility we're sure will come to pass just as soon as Birkhead figures out how to take a fair cut of whatever Stern's pulling off the bottom line.

• Foundation Pays Tribute to Anna Nicole [ETOnline]

For starters, there's the sickening voiceover ("this is as close as [Dannielynn] will come to her mother") and the fact that Birkhead hasn't gotten around to taking care of a gravestone for Anna Nicole yet (it's nearly been a year!). Then there's the whole issue of compensation (if anyone who knows how much money traded hands here, please email us). Lastly, there's truly atrocious outro promo copy ("for more on Danniellyn's visit to her mom's grave, go to [URL redacted] and click the 'Get It' button!"). Nice work, jackals! Now excuse us while we go hurl.

After joining the church under his homo guise, Halperin discovered it wasn't mainly sexual reparation that scientologists wanted; it was their cash. Former scientologist Michael Pattinson, who joined hoping to 'straighten' out, spent over 500k over 18 years, with no results. He's since sued. This 'auditing' process is vaguely "based on the weird science fiction theology espoused by Hubbard," says Halperin. "Members are expected to take very expensive courses" in order to be "cured." "I found that just about everything about the Church is about money, which makes them not much different than most religions."

But on to the actual celeb scoop. After a 1991 article in Time came out claiming John Travolta was being held hostage in the church, scared that by defecting, they'd reveal everything he'd confessed to them about his homosexuality, he announced his engagement to Kelly Preston two days later. 17 years later, he's still a proud card-carrying member.

As for Tom Cruise?

"The cure was certainly not reserved only for gay men. I was told that the Church would occasionally marry a lesbian celeb off to a gay male celeb, thus killing two birds with one stone. As for names, that shouldn't be too hard to figure out."

The good news? Anna Nicole Smith wasn't as dumb as we thought she was!

"Anna Nicole wanted to join the Church and was strongly considering it until a friend told her about the Church's attitude toward gays. Anna, who was bisexual, decided not to join in fear the Church would reveal her most intimate secrets if she defected."

• Hollywood Undercover [Amazon.com]

Today, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT spoke to Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead as they shared their continued grief for Anna Nicole Smith on what would have been her 40th birthday.

Stern, whose own birthday is tomorrow, told ET, "My only wish is that Anna is celebrating her 40th birthday with Daniel and Howard (Marshall) in heaven and that they are able to experience the beautiful development of Dannielynn from above. Then I know that she would truly be at peace. She was more extraordinary than words can describe. I will never stop loving her."

Birkhead reveals that he plans to commemorate Anna's birthday with Dannielynn, "We will have a private family celebration to remember Anna. Time still hasn't healed the wound of her untimely passing, as she truly was one of a kind. We miss her dearly."

If we know Birkhead, this "private celebration" is sure to be no less spectacular than the one he threw for Dannielynn's first birthday—a three ring circus swarming with clowns, magicians, and ET cameramen, with more little-girl pearls than you can shake a pink ballerina tutu at. Stern's commemoration, however, promises to be much more subdued, involving two individual cupcakes sitting at opposite ends of a dining table at her empty Bahamian estate, with her clown video looping in the background as the wistful lawyer savors the carefree, Anna-drugging days of yesteryear.

• Remembering Anna Nicole Smith's Birthday [ETOnline]

Mark Schey, the president and CEO of creative agency 22Digital, which created the "TRIMSPA, Baby!" slogan, tells Us that through his "good, professional relationship" with Smith he often helped her post fan videos on her personal website "as a courtesy kind of thing." He claims he was not paid, however, and that he wasn't present at the Bahamas video shoot.

"It could have been something [Stern] intended to put on [her website]. He would give me instructions, 'edit this, don't do this,'" Schey tells Us [...]

Robin Bonnema, a spokeswoman for TRIMSPA, tells Us: "Mark Schey is not an employee of TRIMSPA. He owns his own company and TRIMSPA has contracted Mark on occasion for TRIMSPA-related events. The video is not a TRIMSPA event, nor is it related to TRIMSPA in any way."

Whatever Stern had in mind for the tape—perhaps a pay-premium AnnaNicole.com feature allowing fans to indulge in their naughtiest catatonic-Bozo fantasies?—we're at least relieved to know it wasn't a Trimspa-sanctioned production. We shudder to think of the vomited-up diet shake images that would have emerged if it was.

• Anna Nicole's Producer Found, Explains Disturbing Clown Tape [Us Weekly]

Smith then quickly descends into incoherency, mistaking the toy doll in her arms for her own baby, and her real pregnancy as "just gas." Stern, meanwhile, rattles off instructions about background noise, white levels, and unusable boob-slip footage to a cameraman named Mark, ignoring the nine-year-old as she pleads with him to, "Cut the tape off and help...I think we need the hospital...Howard, seriously—please help." Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to curl into a fetal ball on the floor of a scalding shower and lie there unblinking for several hours.

• Geraldo at Large [FoxNews via RedLasso]

Cosby, meanwhile, faces a $60 million lawsuit from Howard K. Stern, the man she accuses of having engaged in videotaped intimate relations with Larry Birkhead. Now two of the sources she cites—Haitian nannies employed at Smith's Bahamian home at the time—are denying having said anything of the kind. The author has flown down to the Bahamas to see if she can't jog their memories; in Cosby's defense, however, the French term for "oral sex between men" is just one consonant off from another word that means, "to come to fisticuffs over the honor of a shared woman," which could go a long way towards explaining the nannies' confusion over the matter.

• Smith's nannies didn't speak to author [Yahoo/AP]
• Blonde Ambition [Amazon.com]

• Video: Rita Cosby Served with Papers [InsiderOnline]

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern, filed a $60 million libel lawsuit Tuesday against Rita Cosby and her publisher over a book she wrote that claims Stern and Smith's ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead, had a sexual encounter.

The suit, filed in federal court in New York, seeks $10 million in compensatory damages and $50 million in punitive damages from Cosby—who wrote "Blonde Ambition: The Untold Story Behind Anna Nicole Smith's Death"—and Hachette Book Group USA Inc.

With the gauntlet thrown down, Cosby's best hope at this point is to finally locate the rumored and elusive video capturing the "compromising, intimate position" enacted by the two Smith hangers-on; otherwise, the $60 million sex-act will remain relegated to the category of myth, despite being the most satisfying make-believe blow job Stern has ever not received.

• Anna Nicole Smith Book Prompts $60M Suit [AP/Breitbart.com]

The long-awaited inquest in the Bahamas into the death of the son of former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith will begin on October 30, and could last two months, a senior judge in the Bahamas said on Monday.

Bahamas Chief Magistrate Roger Gomez said at least 35 witnesses were expected to give evidence, including Smith's longtime lawyer and companion, Howard K. Stern. The inquest would be conducted by Magistrate William Campbell, he added.

Just what the inquest hopes to uncover regarding Daniel's mysterious and tragic death—whose one-year anniversary was marked by a number of paparazzi-documented visits to his distant grave—is uncertain. We only hope none of those 35 witnesses is Dannielynn, however, as the much-exploited one-year-old is probably not yet equipped to handle a Bahamian prosecutor's pointed questions about what incriminating behavior she recalls witnessing in a hospital room just hours after her birth.

• Bahamas to hold inquest in death of Daniel Smith [news.yahoo.com]

"They had arranged to wait in some bushes at the cemetery. They took pictures of Larry pretending to be sad and emotional at the grave site. Only the Splash guys weren't quite satisfied, so they asked him to do it again, and for me to get out of the picture. We did three takes. That was the first sign to me that Larry was in it for the money." [...]

Speer adds, "I was with Larry when he went to meet Howard at the Horizon mansion [in the Bahamas]. It was a secret meeting, where he got to see Dannielynn. ... I heard Howard tell Larry that he'd give him custody of the baby if he [would allow] Stern to remain as executor of the estate. Larry said, 'I'll think about it.'

It seems to us hasty to presume Birkhead harbors purely opportunistic motives, simply because a cemetery visit was accompanied by tabloid photographers insisting he tilt his head up and give his best "Why not me, God?" face. Until Speer recalls the evening he witnessed the chunky-highlighted new dad holding up a check and purring to his supposed former nemesis, "How about a romantic lobster dinner for two, courtesy of my Oscar-caliber acting ability and that nosy teen you expertly disposed of, Mr. Hunky Lawyerstein?" we'll refrain from rushing to judgment.

• Guard: Larry Birkhead posed at Anna Nicole's son's grave [nydailynews.com]

The still unnamed reality show project is under development at the E! network. It will focus on Larry and baby Dannielynn's life after Anna Nicole Smith's death, according to a TV insider.

"Larry's on the verge of signing with E! for a show that could be on the air by next spring," a Hollywood source told The NATIONAL ENQUIRER.

Committing to tape every misadventure of the miracle baby who poops hundred dollar bills as she enters the terrible twos sounds to us as can't-miss a reality TV scenario as we can envision: Yes, The Larry and Dannielynn Show promises to post spectacular ratings for the cable network, filling the gaping hole left in E!'s tabloid-star-exploiting roster since The Simple Life 12: High-Security Mental Facility Orderlies! failed to secure a spot on their schedule.

• NATIONAL ENQUIRER EXCLUSIVE: LARRY BIRKHEAD SHOPPING REALITY TV SHOW [Nat'l Enq]

• Exclusive: Dannielynn at Her Party! [theinsideronline.com]

· Both Birkhead and Stern are vowing to sue the cheap dye jobs off Cosby and her sources, in what Birkhead vowed would be "one of the most expensive lawsuit settlements in book-publishing history," making Dannielynn profitable in ways he didn't even anticipate. [AP]
· "But what about that time Larry, Howard, and Anna Nicole partied the night away at WeHo's 2005 Gay Pride Festival?" you're likely asking yourselves (or not, depending on how closely you follow this story and/or lead fulfilling lives). Larry tells Us: "I was a photographer. My camera is around my neck in every picture." We don't see a camera around his neck in this shot, but we do see some drunken, proud good times. [Us]
· Larry has yet to update his website. Get on it, Larry! These clarifications are months old. [larrybirkhead.net]

Sordid passages in the soon-to-be released book by former MSNBC journalist Rita Cosby describe how Anna Nicole and her friend allegedly caught Stern and Birkhead with their shirts off and their pants around their ankles in a Los Angeles home.

Jackie Hatten, described in the book as one of Anna Nicole's closest friends, said the men were engaged in oral sex.

The shocking book accuses Birkhead and Stern of cutting a secret deal after Anna Nicole was buried in March, with Birkhead getting custody of Dannielynn in return for Stern being named executor of the star's estate.

The former stripper knew both Birkhead and Stern were gay, the book alleges.

The tell-all claims Anna Nicole would spread out on her bed and watch a video allegedly showing Birkhead and Stern having oral sex "over and over" while Stern worked on his computer in their Bahamas home. [...]

The book claims Birkhead gave Smith cocktails of drugs and watched as Stern allegedly gave medication to Anna Nicole while she was attached to an IV drip in the hospital during her pregnancy.

Birkhead and Stern have since denied the allegations and threatened to sue, saying Hatten is an emotionally unbalanced stalker whose own brother, Mark "Hollywood" Hatten, is currently serving time for also obsessively targeting Anna Nicole. Cosby, meanwhile, is standing firmly behind her claims, saying she hasn't seen the Birkhead-on-Stern visual evidence, but has spoken to people who have. One thing is certain: Beyond appealing to a tiny subgroup of slashfic-penning scandal fetishists, this video will likely be the least-demanded Smith A/V material since her tit-job tape made the plastic surgery convention rounds.

• Anna Nicole Smith book claims Birkhead & Stern were lovers; cut deal on baby, estate [NY Daily News]
• Larry Birkhead fuming over lies, gay sex talk in Anna Nicole Smith book [NY Daily News]

American magazine OK! has made the shock decision to drop Anna Nicole's ex Larry Birkhead from a $US1.7 million deal, alleging he has "tricked us all".

The magazine has not revealed the exact reason for the decision, however it is reported to be based on rumours Birkhead struck a "backroom deal" with Howard K Stern, his supposed long-standing rival.

The magazine's publicist said: "OK! Magazine has uncovered explosive allegations regarding Larry Birkhead, Howard K. Stern and baby Danielynn [...] The newly obtained allegations are detailed, shocking and potentially incriminating. It makes it impossible for OK!, in good conscience, to promote this family's highly questionable relationship in our pages." [...]

OK's American editor Sarah Ivens said: "My biggest fear is that Larry and Howard may have tricked us all."

We didn't realize that "backroom deal" is what the kids are calling it these days. But listen, whether or not they've lied about their daily sausage intake, these guys have had a rough year. If the only place they can find solace and peace is in each other's rippling arms, then we say, nibble away. It's only giving Dannielynn a rosier future, living rich off the residual fat of a Lifetime movie entitled, Lust Triangle: Love My Mother, Love Each Other: The Dannielynn Hope Marshall Birkhead née Stern Story. We're getting misty already.

• Magazine cancels $1.7 million deal with Larry Birkhead [Daily Mail]

"Larry says that it's important Dannielynn knows about her mom," his older sister, Judy Birkhead tells Us.

"He's always telling Dannielynn how much he loved Anna and how great she was."

Birkhead, 34, has put photos of Dannielynn's mom everywhere. "He'll point at pictures and show Dannielynn videos of her too," Judy says.

Smith also set aside keepsakes for her daughter - including letters she had written for her - that Birkhead is saving for when the baby grows up.

Longtime friend Jane Rose-Zupetz tells Us, "When Anna was pregnant, she painted a lot for Dannielynn. Larry will give her those, also."

It's comforting to think that while the average toddler might be subjected to the cartoonish and monstrous imagery of Nick Jr.'s Yo Gabba Gabba!, Dannielynn will instead be gurgling contentedly to the soothing sights and sounds of Seasons 1 through 3 of The Anna Nicole Smith Show, or, for something a little more personal, the drugged clown makeup footage sensitively lensed by perpetually lurking lawyer-figure, Howard K. Stern.

• Dannielynn Loves Home Movies of Her Mom [Usmagazine.com]

Superior Court Judge Mitchell L. Beckloff granted the order Friday at the request of Smith's former attorney and executor of her will, Howard K. Stern. The injunction prevents the sale, distribution or dissemination of the videotape.

Stern accused Gerald Wayne Johnson, the Texas doctor who performed the surgery, of sending a tape showing the procedure to Thomas Riccio, a Los Angeles-based memorabilia dealer. Stern claims the surgery was taped without the former model's consent.

In a letter written June 22, Johnson said he routinely records surgeries with the patient's permission and promises to keep the video confidential "during the patient's lifetime." Johnson said he gave Riccio permission to use the video after Smith died.

It might be easier to find fault with Johnson's cold compromise of the sacred bond of doctor-patient trust had Smith herself not sold a grotesquely invasive surgical video of her own C-section to Entertainment Tonight, somehow justified by the showbiz news program as being suitable for broadcast in all its sticky, forceps-assisted glory. Still, we highly doubt that what the world needs now is another glimpse of Smith's insides, and we can only hope that the temporary injunction becomes a permanent one before Odyssey Video starts hanging massive banners trumpeting their newly arrived stock, Anna Nicole: From 36-A to 42-DD.

• Judge Blocks Release of Anna Nicole Tape [abcnews.go.com]

"She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image," Birkhead tells OK! magazine in its latest issue. "It's really incredible. And I think her lips are her mom's lips; especially when she pouts. ... She also gets what she wants exactly like her mom always did as soon as she'd pout."

He's hired a nanny to help out with Dannielynn.

"She's just there to assist me, not to take over any parenting. ... I'm really hands-on, like too hands-on with my hand on the baby, a hand on the cellphone, a hand on the diaper," says Birkhead, who jokes that he has "a supersonic sense of smell when it comes to diapers."

While some might question the hiring by Birkhead—whose livelihood appears to now be entirely tied to Dannielynn-related enterprises—of full-time childcare, the single dad can always defend the measure by insisting that she's not so much a "nanny" as she is "My First Personal Assistant," and that her current duties like fetching bottles of warm formula and wiping off spit-up might naturally evolve in Dannielynn's later, adult years into tasks like latte-runs and wiping off spit-up.

• Birkhead: Dannielynn looks like Anna Nicole Smith [USAToday.com/AP]

"A few years ago, Playboy approached me and I almost agreed to do it. But I was too chicken. My boobs weren't big enough," Hogan tells Steppin' Out's Chaunce Hayden. "But now, if Playboy called, I would probably do it. I just had a birthday and I'm going to treat myself to new boobs. I just want to get my body to where I want it and I'll be ready to step in and do it . . . You'll definitely see a transformation in the next year." [...]

In her interview with Hayden, the nude-model wannabe also has harsh words for Anna Nicole's onetime boyfriend, lawyer Howard K. Stern.

"He's a creepy little weasel-looking thing. He was just Anna's gofer, like a little girlfriend or something," Hogan tells the magazine. "I could just slap the [bleep] out of him. I'd love to just beat the [bleep] out of him. But instead I think I'll just torture him . . . hug and kiss on him and act like I like him, then just walk away and leave him like that, all sexually frustrated." Stern did not return Page Six's calls.

Hogan, who has already shared her version of growing up in Anna's 42 DD shadow in Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith (sample Amazon customer review: "It repeats alot in chapters and stuff about anna the public already new. the pics were stupied."), surely inherited her sister's trait of knowing how best to use one's God- or surgeon-given assets to one's own advantage. Sadly, however, the family's debilitating Ability to Know When to Shut the Fuck Up gene has not appeared to have skipped a generation in Hogan, either, meaning Stern might soon catch wind of his client-in-law's devious, cockteasing ways.

• Sis Wants To Be Anna Nicole Ii [NY Post]

The documents were submitted by her companion and attorney Howard K. Stern, 38, who is also named as the will's executor. According to the papers, her total assets are worth $710,000.

The will, drawn up in April 2001, leaves all of Smith's assets to her son Daniel, who died on Sept. 10 from an accidental overdose in the Bahamas. [...]

While the original text of the will is outdated, the valuation of Smith's assets was added by Stern, written on May 7.

For Larry Birkhead, this of course means the moment he finally pried baby Dannielynn out of Stern's tenacious embrace would therefore not be his last face-to-face interaction with his former love triangle nemesis. But just as they cooperated in the custody hearings, an L.A. probate lawyer claims they now too appear to have formed a united front in pursuing the real prize: the J. Howard Marshall inheritance, valued at approximately $1.6 billion, a beautiful reminder that even sworn, bimbo-coveting enemies can lay down litigious arms and offer "great help" to one another, merely in the knowledge that a brighter, 10-figure-settlement tomorrow lies ahead.

• Anna Nicole Smith's Will Is Filed [People]

[UPDATED: 1:38 PM] LOUISVILLE, Kentucky (May 1, 2007) — Dannielynn Birkhead has touched down in her dad's hometown for the very first time. The plane carrying the daughter of photographer Larry Birkhead and the late model Anna Nicole Smith just landed in Louisville, Kentucky. [...]

On the plane with Birkhead, Access Hollywood's own Tony Potts confirmed the child had a pleasant flight. "She ate, slept, played and ate again," he recounted. "She barely even fussed." [...]

"Blue grass, here we come," Potts reported, adding, "Dannielynn is sleepy now."

Thanks for the updates, Uncle Tony! With Dannielynn safe and sound on domestic soil, and her U.S. passport issued, it seems nothing at all can stop proud papa Larry, his bundle of naturalized joy, and their entourage of cameramen and creepily intrusive showbiz TV reporters from achieving their dreams—except perhaps Grammie Virgie "Slugger" Arthur, whose petition-filing parade we imagine is approaching the vicinity of Louisville.

• Dannielynn Birkhead Reaches Louisville, Kentucky [AccessHollywood.com]

Virgie Arthur's appeal to block Larry Birkhead from leaving the Bahamas with Dannielynn has been turned down, Access Hollywood's Tony Potts reports from inside the courtroom.

One judge called Arthur's appeal "weak," and ordered her to pay $3,000 in attorney's fees for wasting the court's time.

With that final hurdle cleared, Dannielynn's local debut is surely just moments away. Should you happen upon the happy pair zipping up a Beverly Center escalator on their way to Pottery Barn Kids, sharing a lunch of Cobb salad and mashed banana on The Ivy's patio, or heading into a Hollywood Blvd. tattoo parlor for Dannielynn's first lower back etching of her mother, feel free to take in the happy scene from afar, sensitive to father and daughter's privacy needs in these crucial bonding moments.

• Larry Has Birth Certificate; Virgie Arthur's Appeal Denied [AccessHollywood.com]

Smith and Birkhead became estranged, he said, because she thought he wanted sole custody of the baby on account of her drug problem.

Birkhead also said in the OK! interview that his past nemesis Howard K. Stern, who previously claimed to be the baby's father, has been teaching him the ropes of parenting.

"He knows her likes and dislikes, and he's kind enough to help me out, he said."

He added of his old foe, "People blame a lot on him, but Anna had her own mind, too."

As to be expected from any hopeful story of sworn tabloid enemies making amends, naysayers have been lining up to call foul, alleging, as Fox 411 does, that Birkhead and Stern are now working in cahoots to cash in on their million-dollar pooping machine. Then there's a National Enquirer report, titled "WORLD EXCLUSIVE: LARRY BIRKHEAD'S SECRET GAY LOVER TELLS ALL!" which, without delving too deeply into the nature of its scurrilous content, makes some bold accusations about the nursery-decorating-obsessed impregnator's past. Larry has reportedly hired Scary Hollywood Lawyer Martin Singer to sue over such stories; in the meantime, however, we'd encourage you not to allow a few dark, cynical storm clouds to ruin a perfectly joyous baby-tossing parade.

• DADDY LARRY'S LI'L GIRL [NY Post]
• Birkhead Sells Photos of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby, as Predicted [411]
• WORLD EXCLUSIVE: LARRY BIRKHEAD'S SECRET GAY LOVER TELLS ALL! [Nat'l Enquirer]

· Birkhead is characterized as a "man of mystery," apparently due in no small part to the fact that his MySpace profile is set to "private." [AP]
· Larry told friends he plans on staying in the Bahamas for a little while, delaying Dannielynn's debut at the Ivy for another month at least. [Fox411]

· The lingering custody matter will be addressed at a Friday hearing, but Stern has promised to cooperate, expressing the need for a "gradual transition" for the baby, something methadone-favoring weaning-aficionado Anna Nicole surely would have approved of. [CNN.com]
· A tenacious Virgie Arthur looks forward to "working with Larry raising my granddaughter," though certain parties are hoping their contact is limited to annual birthday cards out of which tumble crisp, ten-dollar bills, explained away to Dannielynn as having arrived "via special delivery from your dead grandma's ghost!" [People]
· Not surprisingly, Birkhead pledges his first stop will be to a toy store, where he will indulge himself his daughter in the finest primary-colored mobiles and Backyardigans his overextended credit limit can buy. [Court TV]

• Birkhead: I'm the father [CNN.com]

• Virgie Arthur Arrives to Court ... Finally [TMZ]