Every family has its unique rites of passage, those generational milestones that mark a child’s growth and remind parents of their own similar experiences, years earlier. In the Jolie-Pitt household, one such event is the day a kid begins collecting daggers. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s seven-year-old son, Maddox, like many boys his age, has lately developed a fondness for guns and knives, and Jolie proudly notes that the predilection runs in the family.

“My mom took me to buy my first daggers when I was 11 or 12,” she recalls. “And I’ve already bought Maddox some things. We take him to a special shop.” She emphasizes that the knife blades are dulled so they’re not dangerous, and that the purchases are accompanied by discussions about violence. But, she says, “we also talk about samurais and about the idea of defending someone as good. We talk about everything.”

Though it's been speculated before that the adoption-happy Jolie was secretly building her own, multicultural child army, we now have our first incontrovertible proof. Paparazzi, beware: though that Smith & Wesson Bowie knife that Maddox is brandishing may be dulled, the same can't necessarily be said of Zahara's garrote (or the morning stars wielded by an already ambulatory pair of Chosen Blobs).

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• One Week: Brad & Angelina [W]

Clearly, Angelina Jolie has given birth to a three-fingered baby (or, possibly, Kristen Wiig). Though it's hard to believe two of Hollywood's most perfect parents could create a non-flawless child, at least there is hope. Angelina, meet new Bond girl Gemma Arterton — we hear she might have a few extra digits to spare.

• Pictured: The astonishingly intimate portrait of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding, taken by Brad Pitt [Mail Online]

After giving birth to twins, Angelina Jolie had a difficult time putting the breaks on the high-calorie pizzas, Hot Pockets, french fries and ice cream she consumed during her pregnancy, Us Weekly reports in its latest issue, on newsstands now.

Her snacking got so bad that a source close to Jolie's French Ob-Gyn, Michel Sussman, tells Us that he instructed her to eat more nutritiously. (She said junk food is "their family's weakness" and even joked about Brad Pitt having a pregnant belly, says the source.)

The source likely misconstrued the tone of Jolie's statement, as the reference to Pitt's "pregnant belly" was no joke: Having announced at The Changeling premiere that the couple are "are going to have more kids," Jolie has opted to give both adoption and her uterus a rest, and instead put Pitt's underused abdomen to work carrying Chosen Family Members Four through Nine.

• Angelina Jolie Couldn't Stop Eating Hot Pockets, Ice Cream After Pregnancy [Us]

He wasn't really going there, we soon learned (he was only slightly more candid at the recent New Yorker Festival, vaguely alluding to Palin's truthfulness in her debate with Joe Biden). But as reformed Republicans go, Eastwood still packs a robust skepticism alongside his tux when he travels.

"My mortgage is in the toilet, too," he replied. "I haven't been very active in politics. Yes, I started out as a Republican in 1951; I was a young 21-year-old in the Army, and I wanted to vote for Dwight Eisenhower. He, like all politicians, was always promising something, and he promised he would go to Korea and end the Korean War. But the Republican Party, as has the Democratic Party, has changed dramatically in the 50-some years that I've been involved with it, so I've sort of drifted to a more Libertarian point of view. The Libertarian Party never got going as a party — just leave everybody alone. It was very appealing to a guy like myself who came up in the '30s and watched my parents struggle through the Depression and [who] nowadays is wanting for nothing.

"Now, of course, everybody is promising everything," Eastwood continued. "That's the only way to get elected: You have to promise to give people all kinds of stuff. You have to give away new cars like on Oprah or something. We'll give you anything to go down and vote. It's kind of perverted politics as far as I'm concerned. Whether Mr. McCain or Mr. Obama... Whatever happens there, who knows? There are a lot of promises going on there, too. It's a very confusing era." We couldn't agree more — we'll be so much happier when no one has to worry any longer about distinguishing Palin from Tina Fey.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Boomp3.com

At the New York Film Festival, a group of scientists seized upon the opportunity to finally ask the question: Is Angelina Jolie the sexiest woman on the planet? The collective closely examined the speciman in her natural environment, the Gotham premiere of her latest film, Changeling. After much deliberation, the scientists concluded that she is in fact, the sexiest woman alive. Dr. Myers, the lead scientist for the study said, “I mean, it’s all there. The eyes, the lips, etc. All arguments and bets can be settled, science has officially declared Angelina Jolie to be super bangin’.”

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The writers revere Melville’s original text, but their graphic novel-style version will change the structure. Gone is the first-person narration by the young seaman Ishmael, who observes how Ahab’s obsession with killing the great white whale overwhelms his good judgment as captain.

This change will allow them to depict the whale’s decimation of other ships prior to its encounter with Ahab’s Pequod, and Ahab will be depicted more as a charismatic leader than a brooding obsessive.

"Our vision isn’t your grandfather’s ‘Moby Dick,’ " Cooper said. "This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story."

And what, pray tell, was wrong with our grandfather's Dick? Ahem, that didn't come out right. All we're saying is that between Bekmambetov's Moby Dick and Brett Ratner's planned adaptation of Guitar Hero, we're not sure what to expect anymore. Will we wake up to the Hollywood Reporter announcing Michael Bay's Shamwow!, or perhaps a whimsical, Wes Anderson-directed adaptation of Mein Kampf? (Jason Schwartzman, call your agent.)

• Bekmambetov to direct 'Moby Dick' [Variety]

[I]f Mr. Pitt does show up at an event Ms. Aniston is attending, it behooves him to initiate an interaction.

"The ball's more in his court to be gracious to her and to be a gentleman," says Dr. Fulbright, adding that acceptable patter could include saying how nice it is to see her and congratulating her on her movie.

For her part, Ms. Aniston should avoid being too animated. "Most of us try to be extra-clever and extra-charming," Ms. Vogels says. "It's so transparent. Everyone can tell you're overcompensating."

By the same token, a killer dress and a hot date is great but only if you're not using them as bait or continually checking to see whether you're being noticed.

Finally, it benefits both parties to keep it brief, have an exit strategy — such as meeting up with a friend — and avoid too many drinks, Ms. Vogels says.

Still, we don't see this scenario playing out very well for either party, with Aniston's awkward inquiries inevitably leading to the subject of new twins Knox and Vivienne, followed by Pitt's response, "Couldn't be better — here, I got pictures," and his back-pocket extraction of a dog-eared copy of People's Aug. 4 issue. "Here, you can have it. Show it to... What's his name? Where are you going?" Oh, but for small miracles.

• A tiff at TIFF? [Globe and Mail via MyHogtown]

In case it slipped by you last week, Roseanne got off a Jon Voight blast labeling the Oscar winner as both a "used tampon" and "frightened little girl in a pink ballet tutu" whose anti-Obama screeds are the bidding of the Republican Party. But Voight's an easy enough target; Roseanne, who's known to blame her worst writing on disgruntled interns rather than 'fess up to blogging under the influence, then took aim at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie — and their kids:

Aren't you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party's worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? ... (Ps....it might be good for your asian and african children's self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)

Roseanne eventually came around (sort of), clarifying yesterday she only meant to cite "the media's images of [Brangelina that] are smelly and vile." We take the silence from the Pitt/Jolie compound to imply it's totally all good, but in his own response this afternoon, Voight wasn't so quick to forgive:

We can never be surprised at what vile evil comes from the mouth of a confessed victim of child abuse at the hands of her own parents. ...

Her defaming of our National Anthem in 1990 gave us insight into who she is and what she is capable of saying and doing. ... I can only pray that good people see her for what she is (sick of mind).

Look, Jon, if anyone knows defaming, we know defaming, and Roseanne's Anthem was more along the lines of what we'd call "tuneless B-list ass-raping." Anyway, can you even defame a song? It's not like she went in the Washington Times and accused Obama of intending to initiate a bloodbath in Iraq. Ugh! Can't we just vote already?

• Jon Voight [Roseanne World]

• Jon Voight Fires Back [Faded Youth]

DEFAMER: Russell, since American audiences are still becoming familiar with you, we wanted to see how familiar you are with the tastes of the American audience.
RUSSELL: Right.
DEFAMER: So we're going to give you the Defamer American Pop Culture Literacy Test. I'm just going to throw out famous names and you tell me whether you know them and what your take is on each.
RUSSELL: OK!

DEFAMER: We'll start out easy before we get a little more obscure. Here's a gimme: Lindsay Lohan.
RUSSELL: Lindsay Lohan is an actress. I believe she was in a Herbie film? She's become notorious for her off-stage and -screen exploits and her tabloid lifestyle. I believe she has been connected to drugs, sauciness, and sexiness in equal measure, though she seems like a nice girl to me.
DEFAMER: She does love the Brits. She had a British boyfriend, and now she's got a British girlfriend.
RUSSELL: Her girlfriend is British?!
DEFAMER: Yeah, Samantha Ronson.
RUSSELL: That's fantastic! I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Lindsay Lohan for her promotion of English sex.
DEFAMER: Here's another easy one: Amy Winehouse.
RUSSELL: Amy has been on several of my television shows in the United Kingdom. She's a very talented and beautiful girl and in my house, to this day, I have a Mexican doll that for a while lived in her hair.
DEFAMER: [laughs]
RUSSELL: You know those Mexican worry dolls? Or maybe they're Colombian. You sort of tell it your worries. She took it out of her hair once, gave it to me, and I treasure that little worry doll.
DEFAMER: Who wouldn't? OK, we're going to get a little harder. Zac Efron.
RUSSELL: Zac Efron is from High School Musical. Now whilst I've not seen this, because I don't think I belong to its target demographic, I recognize that it's a significant thing. It's sort of like this generation's Grease.
DEFAMER: Lil' Wayne.
RUSSELL: Lil' Wayne is a hip-hop artist and rapper, dreadlocked, with teardrops tattooed on his face. He is also known as "Weezy," and this is not because he is asthmatic. He seems to me to be a terrific poet.
DEFAMER: Somebody's been studying his Wikipedia!
RUSSELL: Good, wasn't it?
DEFAMER: Yeah, not bad!
RUSSELL: I haven't done any Wikipedia studies. I just happen to have an interest in Lil' Wayne, because I think he ignores a lot of copyright stuff to sort of rap over it. I think he's a pioneer.
DEFAMER: Miley Cyrus.
RUSSELL: Miley Cyrus is the teenager daughter of "Achy Breaky Heart" singer Billy Ray Cyrus. She is confusingly attractive, and to people under the age of eighteen, she is probably the biggest star in the world. She is the Madonna of tweenies.
DEFAMER: Speaking of tweenies: The Jonas Brothers.
RUSSELL: The Jonas Brothers is a band. They're all actual brothers and they all came out of the same womb, where many have said they studiously rehearsed their instruments. How the Jonas Mother was able to keep an amp in her uterus is one of the greatest mysteries, because them boys were born already possessing an incredible talent.
DEFAMER: How about your familiarity with MTV shows? Do you know of The Hills?
RUSSELL: I believe it's about some girls that go around and get off with people and wear nice dresses. They have the general air of louche attractiveness and easy availability.
DEFAMER: Pretty accurate. Let's move on to some of the news stories that Americans are talking about. Right now, we're all wondering what was up with this Christian Bale assault case, and maybe you can explain it to me. Apparently in the UK, you can go to jail for verbal assault? What's up with that?
RUSSELL: In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom. I admire Christian Bale and I think he's one of the greatest living actors on the planet currently, but we cannot shirk when it comes to good manners. If it's true that he also dropped a napkin on his way to the lavatory, then I think that he should possibly receive the death penalty.
DEFAMER: How about the U.S. presidential election? Do you follow it at all?
RUSSELL: I think that the idea of democracy is an illusion and regardless of who becomes president, the status quo will maintain power. It's irrelevant who you select as the totem of power in the country, because the country will be run in the same way — but I would rather have a black president than a white one. I would have ideally liked a hermaphrodite president, if it was up to me entirely, but until a hermaphrodite stands, I'll support Obama.
DEFAMER: Maybe we'll get there someday.
RUSSELL: Well, one can only hope that the rights of hermaphrodites will be recognized! Yeah, a hermaphrodite president — I just haven't found a hermaphrodite whose policies I agree with, even though I do like the idea of having mutual, opposed genitals.
DEFAMER: Lastly, I want to know your thoughts on the most important issue of our time...
RUSSELL: Yes.
DEFAMER: ...Brad and Angelina just had the twins.
RUSSELL: Thank God. The thing is that they're both so stupidly beautiful and good-looking and attractive that their children are born looking gorgeous! It's unsettling. That first one they had, she had sort of a Marilyn Monroe mouth. I don't think they should breed, those two people. I think their adoption policy is probably better because when their genes come together, it creates a storm of attractiveness so potent that it could one day bring down the planet.
DEFAMER: And no one needs all that on a baby.
RUSSELL: No one needs that on a baby! No one needs a baby with eight-inch-long eyelashes.
DEFAMER: All right, Russell. Congratulations on passing your quiz!
RUSSELL: Pretty good, wasn't it? Didn't I do well?

Two words: family comedy! That's right, Cruise has decided to forgo the title role in the CIA thriller Edwin A. Salt (perhaps inspired by his gender-blind clothes swapping, he's ceded the part to Angelina Jolie) in favor of a mawkish comedy so cutting-edge that it attracted the director of Drillbit Taylor. Says THR:

The A-lister is loosely attached to "Food Fight," a warmhearted comedy about a snooty New York chef who is forced to cook meals at a school cafeteria, with Cruise playing the role of the chef.

..."Drillbit Taylor" helmer Steven Brill had been in talks to direct "Food Fight," but they came to naught; a search for a new director is under way.

Might we suggest Brian Robbins or Howard Deutch? Forgive us for being glib, but when Cruise sees his future No Reservations retread trounced by the Jolie-overhauled Edwina Salt, even a follow-up cameo in Tropic Thunder 2: Let's Get Retarded won't be enough to stop the bleeding.

• Jolie replaces Cruise in 'Salt' [Variety]
• Chef Tom Cruise in 'Food Fight'? [THR]

According to an industry source exclusively to CoverAwards, the People Magazine cover featuring Brad Pitt and Angelina’s twins allegedly sold 2.5 million copies on the newsstand.

What were they expecting to sell?

If this is the case, it would be a “huge disappointment as Time Inc. was predicting it would be well over 3 million after spending nearly $6 million,” according to the source.

Stunned at their decreased drawing power, a dejected Jolie-Pitt clan retired to their French chateau to plot their next move: a combination birth/adoption that will see Jolie sign papers to parent a Sengalese orphan as Pitt simultaneously delivers their next child using only a porkpie hat and his bare hands.

• CoverAwards’ Exclusive: People Magazine’s HUGE Disappointment with Brad & Angelina Twins’ Cover [Cover Awards]

What's the difference? It's a little complicated, but let's start with "volumizing" — the part where you jam your own fat into your face:

[Pat] Wexler, who opened her practice 22 years ago, gets credit as a New New Face pioneer because she intuited that volumizing was the future: injecting and filling the face with either fat from the patient’s own body, collagen, or synthetic fillers, instead of stretching the skin tight over all that sagging infrastructure.

“That’s what I call the Beetlejuice phenomenon,” she says when we meet. “You keep pulling and pulling, and your head gets smaller, and your body gets bigger as you age, and so you wind up with this little head on this big body. But we now know that you need volume to keep a face looking young. Volume means a face that goes out. And it’s all about the cheeks and the jawline.”

When I tell her that making the face bigger or “fatter” seems counterintuitive, she says, “I know, that’s why no one was doing it twenty years ago. ... I was doing lipo and I don’t like to throw anything away.”

Another doctor uses the examples of Ryan ("Meg may think she looks beautiful") and Demi Moore ("What I see with Demi is more of an operation") to relate the old and the new, though the accompanying photographic evidence of Angelina Jolie's nose filing has us nervously wondering its eventual impact on her handsome, helpless young twins. Whatever — just as long as they don't inherit Grandpa Jon's "New New Teeth," everything else is resolvable.

• The New New Face [NYM]

• Meet Vivienne & Knox Jolie-Pitt [People]

The cost of the photos has yet to be officially disclosed, with most estimates ranging between $10 million and $15 million and any proceeds going straight to charity. Really, though, no charity is greater than the soft, pulsating glow sure to radiate forth from little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, their infant peace held over from an extended, restful sojourn in the Presidential Suite of celebrity uteri. People got a bargain.

• See the First Photo of Brad & Angelina's Twins [People]

• People mag snags US rights to Jolie-Pitt twin pix [AP]

And now, after a few days of Angelina Jolie/Catwoman rumors tailing the Dark Knight follow-up, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Johnny Depp reportedly want a piece of the Bat-action:

Heath Ledger's performance as The Joker has set the bar high for Gotham City villains, but reports in the US say studio bosses have set their sights on Depp as The Riddler and Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin.

"Producers are convinced that the role of The Riddler is perfect for Depp. Johnny's a pro. He'll be able to take direction and still make the character his own. And what better Penguin is there than Philip Seymour Hoffman?" a source said.

Oh, come on. Like we really even have to ask.

• Sony may bite on 'Spidey' spinoff [THR]

• JOhnny Depp to play The Riddler? [The Telegraph]

The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. [...]

If Mr. Obama had his way, he would have pulled our troops from Iraq years ago and initiated an unprecedented bloodbath, turning over that country to the barbarianism of our enemies. With what he has openly stated about his plans for our military, and his lack of understanding about the true nature of our enemies, there's not a cell in my body that can accept the idea that Mr. Obama can keep us safe from the terrorists around the world, and from Iran, which is making great strides toward getting the atomic bomb.

While celebrity endorsements continue to evade a stump-shy Hollywood electorate, Obama can now count at least one celebrity-parent-of-a-much-bigger-celebrity as an enthusiastic detractor—something he can spin to his advantage by hosting the $2000-a-plate "Gala Evening of Unprecedented Bloodbaths and Hope" fundraiser at the Jolie-Pitt compound.

• VOIGHT: My concerns for America [Washington Times]

The idea of making a film in which the hero, a Chinese national symbol, is a bit of a slouch just doesn't wash. Which is also something Po isn't particularly good at.

"Both Asia and the West have elite culture, but in China, Confucian forms dominate," said Zhang Nian, a culture critic. "This panda is a flunky who haggles for his own selfish ends."

Chinese film heroes are generally long on perfection and short on foibles. The men are handsome and robust and the women fair and graceful. And they generally don't have Po's willpower problem, eating disorders or tendency to run from danger. ...

Added to the no-no list for Chinese animators is raciness, particularly in a children's movie. Witness Po's joking use of noodle bowls to simulate breasts and his bid to protect his family jewels — known in Chinese as "little brothers" — in the middle of a fight.

And that's the toned-down version — by fired writer Dan Harmon's infamous account, perhaps the 60th or 65th script draft in a process that once included thinly veiled references to co-star Angelina Jolie's "big sister" and featured Po kicking opium cold turkey in a second-act training montage. And then there was the whole unused Sharon Stone subplot... Seriously, China, it could have been so much worse.

• China had to import 'Kung Fu Panda' [LAT]

”I was pouring blood. I threw myself at them, put blood all over them, and told them that I had HIV so they would stop hitting me...The forest belongs to everyone.”

But from the sound of it, Pitt disagreed so vehemently with this last statement that the actor underwent a Hulk-like transformation into Tyler Durden, and joined this fight club himself:

The scene, reminiscent of that infamous slapstick evening when a NY pap jumped on top of Lindsay Lohan’s car and called it a hit-and-run, is similarly described in very different ways by Goursolas and Tony Webb, the guard at the center of the action. But figuring out who to believe means figuring out whether or not Pitt really morphed into our favorite rippled muscle man role in his steadily dimming archive. Despite the pap’s claim that the guards “hit him with a walkie-talkie, punched and kicked him, leaving a head wound that required three stitches,” Webb and his Chosen Two-protecting soldiers are the only ones who left a local hospital with nostalgically-termed “doctor’s notes” giving them four days off-duty. So as much as we enjoy the vision of Pitt storming out of his chateau shirtless, fists clenched, and telling the pap that “what you are doing is bad!”, doctor’s notes speak a bit louder than colorful words.

• POLICE: PAPARAZZI, GUARDS, FIGHT AT BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE'S CHATEAU [NYDN]

Even though its B.O. numbers didn't exactly scream "Sequel!", the folks behind 1999's The Thomas Crown Affair, also known as Yet Another Chance For Pierce Brosnan To Convince Us He's Charming, are in pre-production mode for the second installment, slated for a 2009 release. The film's original female lead, Rene Russo, intelligently declined to participate in the inevitable disaster, leading producers to seek out Jolie as her replacement. The only glitch? Said folks have worked with Jolie before on Wanted, and reportedly fear another round of Lohan-esque fainting spells the then-skinny-as-a-rail Jolie kept experiencing while on set. As a result, they're said to be requiring their leading lady to pack on 30 pounds. As in, now. One week after giving birth to twins. Which begs the question: is it possible that Jolie has sped far ahead of post-pregnancy slim fast stars Jessica Alba and J. Lo in shedding her tent-dress-requiring baby weight already? And if not, why the need for this unnecessary sequel to star such a "weighty" co-star?

Ah, yes. The role is that of an "action woman." Because Jolie hasn't ever portrayed a gunfire-equipped, stunt scene-ready, action hero before or anything.

[Photo credits: X17, Wireimage]

• EXCLUSIVE: ANGELINA JOLIE'S TWINS CONCEIVED THROUGH IN VITRO [Us]
• ANGELINA JOLIE'S WEIGHTY ROLE [Female First]

• New One-Sheet for Jennifer's Body [ComingSoon.net]

Though Cameron told Jay Leno she "just loved" her new brown hair back in 2006, Timberlake didn't appear to share the sentiment, initially moving on to very blonde ScarJo, then the more natural brunette Jessica Biel. But maybe Diaz should have seen it coming - in the same Leno interview, she said her new dye job was attracting more "introspective" men. JT may be many things, but pensive? And as hard as we try to erase the memory from our collective mind, the sight of Smartest Dumb Blonde In The World, Jessica Simpson, sporting those dark hues while desperately installing her chin on John Mayer's shoulder did little to inspire the crooner's signature O-face.

Yes, a nanny and various False Terribles are mostly to blame for the split between Jude Law and Sienna Miller, but only months after cutting off her Alfie-saving blonde waves for the underrated Factory Girl, Law just happened to fall for the long straw-colored tresses of the otherwise aesthetically incomparable nanny. Similarly, Gigli is mostly at fault for ruining what may be the union responsible for all Brangelina and TomKat-style celebrity couple name combos: Bennifer. But that awkward curly housewife cut didn't help. Neither did Aniston's self-proclaimed "regretful" decision to cut her trademark Rachel off during what we would later learn to be her final days of marriage with Brad Pitt — after all, we all know how that story ended.

[Photo credits: Getty, Splash, Beauty And The Bath]

• IS BOYISH KATIE HOLMES TRYING TO STAY A CUT AHEAD OF EVA AND VICTORIA WITH THE DEATH OF THE 'POB'? [Daily Mail]

A hearty congratulations to Suri Cruise, whose highbrow taste in designer duds earned her a spot at the very top of the list (in full, here). And Tom's "stylish" little prisoner's ensemble this past 4th of July, with her flag antennae and plaid jumper, really showcase the 2-year old's sartorial eye. Shiloh pouted her way into second place, while none other than Violet Affleck received the bronze. Yes, pairing thick socks with that Ugg-ish footwear fad, "vibrant baby Crocs," really warrants the fashion spotlight. But we do award bonus points to OK! for including "typical hipster" Matilda Ledger on the list — Matilda's uncanny resemblance to her late dad is surprisingly comforting, especially in photos of the adorable 2-year old smiling.

[Photo credits: X17, Splash, Aussiebubblog]

• HOLLYWOOD'S BEST DRESSED LITTLE GIRLS [OK!]

—The mayor of Nice, Christian Estrosi, went before the cameras Saturday evening with Knox Leon's birth certificate; officially carved from Jolie's belly at 6:27 p.m., he was one minute older than little sis Vivienne Marcheline.

—Jon Voight is excited, even if he apparently had to pass along his grandfatherly love through second-rate gossip conduit Pat O'Brien and has yet to be summoned to his daughter's bedside. But! "If I were called today, I'd be there," he added.

—And seriously, Jolie would have called, except she and Pitt were having too much fun in the delivery room. No, really, said Dr. Michael Sussman: "It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy. ... Saturday was a great day for us all."

—First photos of the blobs could fetch up to $20 million. We don't want to talk about it.

—Can't stand to live in a world without a pregnant Brangelina? US Weekly has just the remedy: The official "Angelina's Bump Days" memorial slideshow. And yes, Mary Hart — it's real. Or was, anyway.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

It's been a week since the hoards of press gathered at the Jolie-approved press conference to learn that nothing has happened, is happening, will happen for "weeks to come." And without vital information such as this, the media was forced to gather these stories from the next best source: disgruntled hospital staff.

"I think she's in meltdown mode. She's been getting upset if there's not enough ice in her glass."

To be fair, an adequate amount of ice, a perfect drink makes.

But far worse, Jolie has abandoned her typical Jolie behavior like tatoo-ing Mr. Jolie's back or proudly commending Maddox on his Charlton Heston-y ways and instead, has morphed into some sort of mousy-haired housewife from Kansas:

She's not walking around anymore. She doesn't even take a shower early in the morning. She just stays in bed, talking on her phone, typing on her computer, reading magazines and watching TV.

Luckily, Jolie will soon return to her Benetton-approved family and enjoy adequately iced beverages because the World's Most Important Pregnancy is scheduled to conclude via c-section on Tuesday.

"Shit," said the unborn twins.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Heavily pregnant Angelina Jolie 'fed up and can't wait for twins to be born' [Daily Mail]

[Photo credit: AP]

• Angelina Jolie [news.yahoo.com]

Such is the case with this amazing Boyu-1108 Massage Hoop, a colorful, ribbed take on the classic hula which features none other than unwitting celebrity spokesperson (and illustrated customer!) Angelina Jolie benefiting from its miraculous, weist-whittling properties. Once you find yourself hooked, may we suggest also investing in a Boyu-2409 Pogo Pleasurer, the only coil-powered personal massager and transportation device currently approved by Julia Roberts.

• ANGIES SECRET TO WEIGHT LOSS [ONTD]

Just a few weeks ago, EW chose to accompany a Q&A with Angelina Jolie with a very, very close close-up of what we previously considered one of the most gorgeous faces in Hollywood. But the mag's effort to showcase Jolie the actress, rather than Jolie the pregnant actress, resulted in the very first photo to make her infamous lips look unsavory. And Scarlett Johansson suffered a similar fate on the cover of artsy mag Paste, turning her trademark chest away from the camera and posing like an effervescent candidate for the role of E.T.'s girlfriend in E.T. 2: Sex And The Extra-Terrestrial.

Maxim somehow thought Jessica Simpson looked sexiest with a frumpy 50s housewife hairdo on a cover from last year, while Vogue recently photoshopped the hell out of Gwyneth Paltrow's head, essentially decapitating her in one swift crop. Sarah Jessica Parker fell victim to the cooking and cleaning obsessives in aprons over at Good Housekeeping, reverting to her frizzy-haired, good makeup-challenged self from the early 90s.

Mariah Carey's attempt to look soft and angelic backfired on this Allure cover, where the queen diva appears washed out, completely devoid of her naturally tawny skin. Back in the heady days of Lindsay Lohan comeback covers, Maxim tricked the then-straight star out in a very cleavage-y, feisty spread, but Lohan's sullen facial expression suggest a dire need to strip off the ridiculous Victorian outfits and down the nearest bottle of perfume. And then there's poor Fergie, who apparently provided an outlet for one very miserable Cosmopolitan eyebrow plucker's rage.

[Photo credits: Go Fug Yourself, Jezebel, We Heart Angelina]

• .666 AVERAGE [NYP]

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.

Would he announce that her twins had been born? That remained a mystery; the hospital wouldn't say.

Jolie's partner, Brad Pitt, was seen leaving the seafront Lenval hospital Wednesday morning with one of their four young children.

At this point, any announcement from Dr. Sussmann at the very least better contain the words, "Nous ici à Saint-Angelina Divin sur la Côte d'Azur sommes ravis d'annoncer que l'utérus sacré a vidé. Mlle Jolie est maintenant l'heureux propriétaire de jumeaux, de sexe indéterminé."* We'd like to see this news conference end in cheers, cigars, and the sounds of popping champagne corks—not a mob of exhausted and unruly celebrity journalists pummeling the Hardest Working Obstetrician in Show Business.

*"We here at Saint-Angelina Divine on the French Riviera are delighted to announce that the sacred uterus has emptied. Miss Jolie is now the proud owner of twins, sex undetermined."

UPDATE: Dr. Sussmann has delivered his statement, and we're afraid it's yet more disappointment. From usmagazine.com:

Angelina Jolie hasn't given birth yet, her obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussman, said Wednesday at a French Riviera hospital. Asked when Jolie is expected to have her twins, he replied "in the weeks to come."

How much more of this can we take? All we want is to welcome the Chosen Twins and the helium is fast leaking from our Welcome Baby Saviors! mylar balloons!

• Angelina Jolie Hospital Details [AP/HuffPo]

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Translation: Angelina went into labor Tuesday night and gave birth this (Wednesday) morning in a French hospital.

While that's a pedestrian translation at best (they forgot about all the "A Closer world exclusive! All mentions must credit Closer! Long live the Republic!" stuff), they've managed to capture the central concept: The Chosen Twins are back, for the very first time. Beyond that, details—including whether their names are Isla, Amelie, Eloise, Madeline, Gigi, Irma La Douce, or some other beloved character from the French fiction canon—are scarce. Developing!

Ohmaga! There's a development already:

In Touch has learned that the Wanted star did check into the Hospital Lenval's Santa Maria clinic in Nice, France on June 30. "Ms. Jolie came to the hospital last night as part of a pre-planned rest period, before she gives birth," Nadine Bauer, spokeswoman for the hospital tells In Touch. "The visit has been planned for a long time, there are no complications. She is just resting" Bauer adds. Angelina's babies are expected to be delivered by French doctor Michele Sussmann and her regular OBGYN Jason Rothbart, who is due to fly to Europe later this week.

Merde. Oh well, c'est la vie. And don't forget—toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site intouchweekly.hollywood.com.

• Angelina Jolie In Hospital To Have Her Twins [HuffPo]
• Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ! [Closermag.fr]

“Ms. Ferocity knows damn well if she keeps up the drugs like most of her addicted colleagues have, she’ll say buh-bye to everything she’s nabbed… that is why Fake à la employs some of Hell-Ay’s fanciest docs, their specialty being weaning famous folks off drugs via synthetic goodies that’ll make anybody’s bad day a tad more doable.”

Though Ted makes it crystal clear that Ms. Ferocity is the busting-at-the-seams Angelina Jolie, the idea that Jolie would risk turning the Chosen Two into heroin babies seemed out of the question until we heard yet another rumor that (gasp!), the cherubs not only have already been pushed out, but are holding on for dear life:

As we all fondly remember, People egregiously reported that the Chosen Two had been born an entire month ago, only to backtrack and look like idiots. But that hasn't stopped other gossip outlets from looking like idiots! As the NY Daily News reports today, "the premature infants are being secretly cared for in a French hospital. 'They're waiting till the babies are bigger and stronger before they allow anyone to take their picture,' contends a source." Coupled with Ted's seemingly too-sordid-to-be-true story, the idea that Jolie's couplet would be born a wee bit early due to "fancy docs" filling her up with meds to ward of 'drawls, the silly rumor becomes slightly easier to swallow. Until of course we hear the NYDN source's explanation for very recent photos showing Jolie still looking very pregnant: "Maybe it's a prosthetic tummy." Right. Jolie is high on horse tranquilizers, tending to sick infants in a hospital, and somehow found the time to custom-order a prosthetic Chosen Two bump. Color us cynics, but we remain unconvinced.

[Photo Source: Getty Images]

• NOT SO BLIND ITEM? [ONTD]
• BRANGELINA TWINS IN HIDING? [NYDN]