· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician

Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:

Angelina Jolie's obstetrician, Dr. Michel Sussmann, who is watching over the 33-year-old actress at a French Riviera hospital where she is expected to give birth, called a news conference for later Wednesday afternoon.

Angelina Gives Birth! For Real This Time! Or Not! Don't Ask Us! We Just Work Here!

A little over a month ago, typically dependable celebrity-water-breaking newssource ET reported that Angelina Jolie had birthed conjoined-lifemate Brad Pitt's second batch of genetic progeny. But just as the world prepared to deliver a thunderous "Hazzah!" for Chosen Ones Numbers 2 through 3, the story was debunked, and a low moan of disappointment rolled across the land. Still, she can't hold on to those little messiahs forever—they'll eventually want out. In fact, one French publication called Closer (a brief look at their website suggests they cater to that lesser-sophisticated segment of France's population who demand access to exclusive photos of Really Skinny Colin Farrell) claims they are already here! From HuffPo:

En exclusivite mondiale, Closer est en mesure de vous annoncer qu'Angelina Jolie aurait accouché ce matin dans un hôpital français ! La star serait rentrée hier soir en salle de travail. Toute reproduction interdite sans la mention du site closermag.fr

Angelina Jolie Rumor Mill: Heroin Babies, Prosthetic Bumps, And Chosen Preemies?

Only when we accidentally stumble upon Ted Casablancas and his long-winded, sinewy blind items do we realize how sorely we’ve missed them. The painfully obvious hints, the ridiculous nicknames – and today, one of the first blind items we’ve read in a while that doesn’t out any closeted actors:

“Ms. Ferocity knows damn well if she keeps up the drugs like most of her addicted colleagues have, she’ll say buh-bye to everything she’s nabbed… that is why Fake à la employs some of Hell-Ay’s fanciest docs, their specialty being weaning famous folks off drugs via synthetic goodies that’ll make anybody’s bad day a tad more doable.”

Though Ted makes it crystal clear that Ms. Ferocity is the busting-at-the-seams Angelina Jolie, the idea that Jolie would risk turning the Chosen Two into heroin babies seemed out of the question until we heard yet another rumor that (gasp!), the cherubs not only have already been pushed out, but are holding on for dear life:

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your handy cheat sheet to the best and worst of this weekend at the movies. Not that a new Pixar film requires much tire-kicking ahead of time, or that we haven't already spilled our guts about its gloriously confectionery pop-trash competition, or that last weekend's biggest disappointment wasn't assured to hemorrhage more money in week two. But! You shouldn't attempt to get by without our underdog pick or a typically scintillating scan of the latest DVD releases. As always, our predictions are not only our own, but also the very soul of precision. You can thank us later!

Top Ten Worst Kissers In Hollywood: From The 'Icky' To The 'Sweaty' To Tongues That Taste Like 'Kitty Litter'

The Smokey Bunch: Young Hollywood Just Can't Quit Cigs

C-Listers Reveal Their Scarily Obsessive Weight Loss Methods

Three Reasons Why Madonna Will Never Have 'Incredible Sex' With Guy Ritchie Again

Courtney Love Channels Angelina Jolie's Look from 'The Changeling,' Adds Heaping Helping of Crazy

Triple-digit temperatures can drive a woman to do nutty things, but in the case of Courtney Love, it's not a very long drive. Inspired, perhaps, by the 1920s wardrobe worn by Angelina Jolie in Clint Eastwood's upcoming The Changeling, the skeletal Hole singer rang in the weekend by swanning through Malibu dressed up as a ghost flapper. Said the concerned Daily Mail:

The singer's deathly pale skin drew gasps as she stepped out for a shopping trip in Malibu in a 1920s see-through lace dress, as did her painfully thin frame.

Defamer crashed Westwood on Thursday for the opening night of the Los Angeles Film Festival, which hosted the world premiere of Wanted and a whiskey-fueled Broxton Ave. block party to wash the whole thing down. Not that there was so much to digest (cubicle slave James McAvoy meets assassin trainer Angelina Jolie; bullet hails ensue) but we can't deny Wanted is as exhausting as it is kind of dumbly enthralling; for every exquisite gunfight there's at least one baffling plot inversion, and for every potent Jolie scowl there's a grating McAvoy whimper.

Still, Night Watch director Timur Bekmambitov's English-language debut made for refreshing R-rated viewing after this summer's succession of lackluster action fare; even his most garish visual flourishes — particularly McAvoy's keyboard-smashing exploits yielding computer keys and a dislodged tooth spelling "FUCK YOU" in midair — seem more inspired, even heartfelt than their absurd CGI analogs in Indy 4 or The Incredible Hulk. But he can even shock with simplicity, such as a Jolie entrance we're loath to spoil. Then there's a train derailment for the ages, and... oh, fine. We kind of loved it.

Angelina Jolie No Closer to 'Atlas Shrugged' Marathon as Director Officially Drops Out

We're not sure how many impatient fans it takes to make something "long-awaited," but we'll give Lionsgate's Angelina Jolie-starring adaptation of Atlas Shrugged the benefit of the doubt — especially now that the attached director Vadim Perelman has officially left Objectivist headquarters:

It may or may not still be moving forward, but I have it from the most reliable source possible — Perelman himself — that it will not be going forward with him at the helm. ... Perelman was attached, and I can say with as much certainty as one can possibly have about a situation like this that the decision to step down was on Perelman's side.

Momentous Occasion Alert! John Mayer And Jennifer Aniston Officially Rub Our Faces In Their 'Relationship'

These Are Your Gods Now: Forbes Announces Its Celebrity 100

Having teased us already with a Celebrity 100 "drop-offs" list that included some of the brightest and most bankable names in the entertainment universe (they. did. not. just. say. Tom. Hanks—omgzyestheydiiiiddd), anticipation for the actual Celebrity 100 list—your annual ranking of the The World's Most Powerful Celebrities™ as verified by a team of accredited powerologists at the Forbes Institute for the Advancement of Obscene Wealth and Judgment-Summoning False Idolatry—was higher than ever. As always, Oprah Winfrey sits comfortably at the very top of the list, her $978 trillion empire affording her the luxury of purchasing everyone else in the top 100 for distribution among audience members as one of those "personal celebrity slaves I simply can't live without" on her next Favorite Things episode.

Angelina Jolie Admits She Was The Body-Doodling Mastermind Behind Brad Pitt's Mystery Tattoo

In a "candid Q & A" with a still-pregnant-as-of-press-time Saint Angelina, EW covers a great many topics, but it was their bold line of questioning regarding a mysterious apparition that most interested us. Like the face of the pillow-lipped, orphan-collecting altruist herself, whom we recently discovered on a sacred Eggo waffle (and which we ended up smothering in syrup and consuming against our better judgment), a tattoo appeared seemingly out of nowhere on the lower back of her genetically perfect life-partner, Brad Pitt. It's meaning was not known. Some postulated that it might be an ancient map leading to a lost glass-headed alien temple deep in the South American jungle. We ourselves thought we had cracked the Brad Coinslot Code when an anonymous caller with an impenetrably thick Italian accent phoned in a bogus tip. As it turns out, however, it was nothing quite so arcane:

What's the deal with Brad's new tattoo?
I drew that. We went to Davos. It's not that we were bored at the World Economic Forum, but one night we didn't have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back.

Hey Angelina, I Know That You Still Want This Rockin' Bod!

Brangelina Enlists Tacky Psychic To Help Design Chosen Twins' Nursery

With Angelina Jolie in her final trimester, the last few weeks have brought an onslaught of Exclusives! that turned out to be false terribles, Bloopers! from co-stars over-spilling details about the impending birth, and most recently, Intimate Details! regarding the exact coordinates and furnishings planned for the Chosen Two’s habitat. While all the murkiness adds up to a few simple assumed facts (the twins are girls, they will be born in France, and no, they have not been born yet), we still can’t help being fascinated with Brad’s inner architect distracting him from any fear he may be suffering regarding the fact that his nervously alluded to “soccer team” dream is kinda coming true. And when nerves and cold feet collide in the form of rumored disputes on how to decorate the girls’ nursery, there is only one person to solve the argument over “60s modern” or “classic European”: a psychic, of course. What “vibe” the all-knowing cosmic guide got from the pair, and an update on that Versailles monstrosity of a nursery after the jump.

The Palace Of Versailles Only Slightly More Ostentatious Than The Chosen Two's Nursery