Mark Wahlberg Talks To Pharmacists About Cough Syrup

While much has been made of Tina Fey's return to SNL this season—starring as Sarah Palin in a series of pitch-perfect cold-opens that could well be the only things preventing a frayed America from tumbling off a flat Earth's edge—this week's episode also brought two other hilarious and viral-worthy sketches we thought we'd share. The first involves a Lawrence Welk Show-era sister act with a dark, attic-bound secret, played by Kristen Wiig. The second features Andy Samberg as Max Payne star Mark Wahlberg, in conversation with a variety of farm animals. Look—us explaining it is just delaying the funny. They're both after the jump.

Mr. Samberg, You're Going To Be Detained

NHL Stars Are Way Less Pussy Than Their Hollywood Counterparts

We honestly thought there was no way we'd be able to shoehorn a reference to the NHL playoffs—and, more specifically, a tuque-tip to our beloved Habs, who dismembered the Bruins 5-0 Monday, inciting one of many dépanneur-looting riots to come—in this space. But that was before we came across this beyond-inspired gallery at SI.com, placing some of the lesser-known faces under the helmets alongside their celebrity doppelgangers. The effect, in certain instances, is nothing short of astonishing, introducing a whole new audience to the likes of Sharks goalie Evgeni "Chino" Nabokov, and Penguins center Sidney "Stick in a Box" Crosby.

[Photo Credits: Getty Images]

• NHL players resembling entertainers [sportsillustrated.cnn.com via ONTD]

BFFs Cameron Diaz And Drew Barrymore Hit The Roller Derby

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Stephen Hawking flirting shamelessly with a restaurant hostess in Pasadena.

In today's episode: Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore; Al Pacino; Albert Brooks; Matthew Modine; Richard Lewis; Stephen Hawking; Orlando Bloom; Kate Walsh and Eva Mendes; Giovani Ribisi and Andy Samberg; Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen; Paul Bettany; Peter Berg, Minka Kelly, and Jason Lee; John Cho; Ginnifer Goodwin; Christian Siriano; Vanessa Paradis; Mary McDonnell; Reggie Bush; Jason Taylor; Chris Parnell; and Joel Madden.

What's Your Dental Damage, Kermit The Blog?

Indiana Jones And His Girl Enjoy A Casual Lunch In Newport Beach

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so do your duty and send them in! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you couldn't stop giggling thinking about a Tell Me You Love Me star's stunt-cock mishaps at The Grove.

In today's jam-packed episode: Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart; Steven Spielberg, Heather Locklear, Kobe Bryant, and Andy Garcia; Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli; Meg Ryan, Matthew Perry and Kevin Pollak; Dennis Hopper and Adrian Grenier; Melanie Griffith; Emmanuelle Chriqui; Seal and Heidi Klum; Janeane Garofalo; Sean "Puffy" Combs, Dennis Haysbert, Michael Rapaport, and Tom Arnold; Cheryl Tiegs; Andy Samberg, Maya Rudolph, and Rivers Cuomo; Dominic Monaghan; Rufus Sewell and Mary-Kate Olsen; Katherine Heigl, T.R. Knight, and Josh Kelley; John Waters; Eddie Izzard; Adam Scott; Jamie Gertz; Peter Bogdanovich; Fisher Stevens; Peter Guber; Brian Posehn; and Gloria Allred.

Amply Endowed Andy Samberg Woos The Lady-Loving Ladies

A behind-the-scenes video for a Paper magazine covershoot featuring everyone's favorite once-a-week cupcake-binger, Andy Samberg, teased us with the promise of probing insights into the precise length and girth of his legendary, giftwrap-penetrating member. But it was the off-camera sounds of subject-on-photographer tonsil hockey that really got our motors revving: a real-time lesbian conversion that fully cements Samberg's status as the reigning SNL heartthrob.

• ANDY SAMBERG AND CASS BIRD IN THE MAKEOUT [papermag.com via Gawker]

Golden Boy Justin Timberlake Can Stick His Dick In A Box And Win An Award

There was perhaps no better moment in capturing the wildly divergent career paths taken by former Mickey Mouse Club co-stars and lovers Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears than this weekend, when Timberlake not only swept the same MTV trophy ceremony on which Spears hammered the last press-on nail into her comeback coffin, but also managed to score an Emmy award for a boner-joke parody song done as a lark for a Saturday Night Live guest-hosting stint:

"I think it's safe to say that when we first set out to make this song, we were all thinking 'Emmy!'" Samberg said in accepting the award Saturday for best original music and lyrics.

Dicks Returned To Boxes, Regifted At MSG