Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.

We're told Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. We're told she's in her late 40's, though we could not confirm her exact age. Aiken is 29.

We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm — we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.

We'll now allot you the time necessary to re-read the above until it fully sinks in—plus overcome any contact morning-sickness it may have elicited—before issuing a heartfelt "Hooray!" for the most non-traditional domestic arrangement to cross our radar since learning of the Oprah-confounding Pregnant Man of Oregon. Clearly, some Greater Force must have overheard us mumbling, "More Clay? Yes, please!" while rifling recently through the iTunes stacks, and took our humble petition further than we'd ever hoped or dreamed. There is no doubt about it: Clay Aiken's impending fatherhood shakes our ovaries a thousand different ways!

• Clay Aiken Impregnates Someone! [TMZ]

· After a season of slumping ratings, Idol's finale matched last year's, pulling in an estimated 31.7 million viewers—roughly the same number of people who revisited their own gag reflexes upon hearing Mike Myers's pedophilic suggestion the David Archuleta would soon sprout "hair in weird and wonderful places." [Variety]
· We mourn the death of the once great and mighty television movie with news that the Tiffany network is "dumping" two long-completed examples of the genre—Mary-Louise Parker in Vinegar Hill and a Jessica Lange-starring remake of Sybil—in the Saturday night TV burial ground. RIP CBS MOW. [Variety]

· Former NY Times theater critic and op-ed columnist Frank Rich will serve as a creative consultant to HBO, an "informal" position that might involve him "picking up the phone and saying, 'What do you think about meeting with this writer or picking up this property,'" said network co-president Richard Plepler. It's an exciting arrangement that might well lead to the sexually explicit take on Stephen Sondheim's A Little Night Music we've long wanted to see. [Variety]
· Sam Neill and Sean Bean join the cast of NBC's Crusoe. [THR]
· Marvel heard your anguished and outraged cries over the lack of worthy superheroines in overblown, overstuffed CGI blockbusters, and seeks to snuff this evil with an adaptation of Runaways—a relatively new title about a group of troubled, super-powered teens who split from their supervillain parents and band together. Jesus Christ, the Lohan jokes write themselves. [THR]

There were even some conquering summer box office heroes on hand, in the guise of Tropic Thunder stars Robert Downey Jr., Jack Black, and Ben Stiller, digitally inserted into a vintage Gladys Knight performance as her backing Pips. (Downey wisely decided to leave his black face makeup kit at home.) The entire video is available for purchase on iTunes—the profits also going to some (non DeBargeian) charity—but we've included a short clip above. In it, Black and Downey abandon their Pip-marks, leaving Stiller to handle the complex hand-spins and toe-taps of the legendary backing trio's choreography on his own. What follows is not exactly clear: Shortly thereafter, Black tumbles back into the frame with his pants around his ankles; a contented Downey soon follows. Are we to infer that the pair just rode an express Midnight Man-Train to Georgia? We'll just assume we are.

• American Idol

Defamer videographer and part-time K-town streetwalker Molly McAleer has compiled for us a highlight reel—a musical journey that begins at the Clive Barnes-approved catalogs of Elton John and U2, continues with two original compositions pooped out by the Shmaltz-O-Matic Songwriter 2000™, and ends on a depressing-yet-hopeful note, with Cook's straightforward take on mid-'90s grunge-lite meditation "The World I Know," and Archie reprising his shaved-koala prayer for peace, "Imagine." With nary a beatboxing counterculturalist or grey-haired soul-butcher to gum up the proceedings, all three judges seemed over the moon with the results; but it was little Archie who was ultimately declared the "knockout" victor. We'll know for certain when the winner's name is announced on tonight's grand finale and 50,000 balloons bearing the words "Congratulations David!" are released—but was there really ever any doubt?

• American Idol

We'll allow Danny to fill you in on the shocking details, only occasionally interrupted by a ringing cellphone (disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe breaking the sad news that "his hands are tied?") or intrusive ("HOLD ON MOM, I'M DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT!!!") family member. The level of injustice here is somewhat astonishing, especially when you consider that the guy who sang "I'm Your Brother" is confirmed for stage time and currently repped by Endeavor's new Southeast Asian Musical Pimp Department. There is still time, Idol Powers That Be: Right this wrong, unless you are prepared to face the TMTH wrath of a nation of Danny's Fannys rising up and not LIKIN' it. Not LIKIN' it one bit! (Mmm-hm!)

• Danny Noriega is not invited to the American Idol finale [YouTube via Idolator]

Anarchy soon broke out in the relative peace-loving community of the arm-swaying pit, as all attempts at enacting their primary, limb-waving duties were rendered instantly futile by the tuneless, arrhythmic morass. It wasn't long before severed limbs were spotted flying into the bleachers; the sight of several freshly gimped Pepperdine sorority girls running screaming for the exits was the last home viewers glimpsed of the carnage before stage manager Debbie frantically waved towards the control booth to cut to commercial.

• americanidol.com

What those in the industry refer to as an "up-tempo ballad," it's a love song addressed to an unseen "Boo." Here is what the song should look and sound like when sung by someone with a pop-friendly voice who can dance. Above is what it looks and sounds like when it is not. Still, no one can sell emotion like Archie, and if the performance accomplished anything, it was to convince us that he really did need, and gotta see, his Boo (whom we picture as a worn Piglet doll purchased on a trip to Walt Disney World on his 7th birthday).

• americanidol.com/

But were that all! For, in what will all but certainly go down as the lyric-forgettingest season in Idol history, Castro's second "Bob" homage saw him blank on the lyrics to a Dylan song your mother probably knows the words to. (It was "Tambourine Man," as much as we wanted to see someone sing, "The answer, my friend...is...uh..." in front of 30 million people.) Luckily, the season's dependable shaved-koala brought his A-game, wowing the judges with heartfelt (you know this because he squints his eyes and nods!) takes on "Stand By Me" and "Love Me Tender," both smothered in extra Archie sauce.

• americanidol.com

· More 90210 spinoff casting confirmations! (Does anyone care about this? Do we care about this?) Jessica Walter, aka Lucille Bluth, will play Tabitha Mills, the "former Hollywood star grandmother [with] alcohol problem." (OK, now we're fully invested.) Ryan Eggold will play Ryan Matthews, "a cool English lit teacher at West Beverly High whose unorthodox teaching style puts him at odds with his fellow teachers and sometimes too close with his students." [THR]
· With all its hit series back on the air, ABC earned a solid second-place finish to Fox, who've won their 16th consecutive week since Idol's new season began. Stunningly, the fate of the TV universe hinges on a woman so plastered she can't count to two. [Variety]
· Just ten days to go before the non-upfronts, and we still no next-to-nothing about what networks plan to put on the air, save Fox's practically-a-sure-thing pickup of Family Guy spinoff, Cleveland. [THR]

A clearly agitated and disoriented Paula then went on to critique both of Jason Castro's songs, despite the fact that he had only performed one. (Perhaps the rehearsal, actual taping, and that afternoon's Extremely Happy Hour lunch at Maggiano's had combined into a sort of colorful fruit-salad in her head.) While the mistake is a doozy, it's really the moments immediately following it that offered the most entertainment value: First, a hush fell, the likes of which the Karoakedome has never seen. Then, confused audience members, having determined that it was not they who were experiencing the pleasant side-effects of a Baja Fresh chicken salad with extra taco chips and Klonopin, began to whisper among themselves. It was Randy, God bless him, who finally broke the news, at which point Abdul readily copped to the fact that she had been seeing and hearing double. It's moments like these that lift Idol from the realm of the reality mundane, to those blissful, zonked-out heights we know it's capable of achieving. To infinity and beyond, Paula.

• americanidol.com

Presuming you possess something approaching a life—a luxury we've relinquished a long time ago—and missed the telecast, master Defamer videologist Molly McAleer has compressed the proceedings into one easy-to-digest, mind-altering capsule of MDMA-like bliss. Join Ryan "Captain Trips" Seacrest, won't you, on this journey of Webberesque discovery, meeting the Phantom of the Archuleta and the Rum Tum Castro along the way. But never fail to heed Grizzled-Paula the Incomprensible Glamour Judge's warning to "never start and stop," lest you wind up like Brooke White, humiliated before an audience of millions as you fumble for that elusive word that rhymes with "Argentina."

• American Idol

We'd remind all in attendance, however, that the performance is a benefit concert, not an actual episode of Idol, and so any smartypants sixth graders who think it's funny to shout out, "It was like some ghastly high school football half-time show!" in a mock British accent following Sligh's heartfelt rendition of "You've Got A Friend In Me" will only ultimately be hurting the Acoustics for Academics cause.

• Benefit Concert (Exit/In) [Craigslist]

And yet, even when staring down the barrel of a loaded microphone, he refused to capitulate to Ryan Seacrest's sadistic mind games, staging an heroic protest sit-in that instantly called to mind similar triumphs of the human spirit throughout history, from Tiananmen Square to the legendary Big Brother 5 slop strike.

• American Idol

It was at that moment that the panel's mischief-making sourpuss, Simon Cowell, leaned into Paula Abdul's wig and quietly suggested, from as best as we can make out, "He won't admit that he got a boner." As predicted, Jackson made not a single reference to any involuntary anatomical reactions elicited by the Irish bar wench's power-warbling, unless of course his declarations of having "a HOT ONE TONIGHT, DAWG!!!" were in reference to his own lusty, subequatorial stirrings.

• American Idol

As Hatcher tells Usmagazine.com, it was Denton and her daughter who picked out the song for her, and while we've never been huge Carrie Underwood fans, we sincerely hope the only time we ever hear this song again is on her watch. More importantly, we sincerely hope the next time we see a long-haired toothpick grinding against their mic, that toothpick will be Steven Tyler, and that mic will be wearing a scarf.

• TERI HATCHER: SINGING ON IDOL WAS 'NERVE-WRACKING' [US Magazine]

Where could this money have gone? Perhaps it slipped into the budget for series development at Fox, and they are currently brainstorming a primetime cross between Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader and Cops. Or maybe it went to the Brian Dunkleman Fund for out-of-work comedians. The public won't know for sure until the end of May, when the government - which is currently auditing the accounting of last year's "Idol Gives Back" - forces them to release their records. (Although we hear the Feds have requested that some records never be released: Specifically, those of Amanda Overmyer and Ramiele Malubay.)

Nevermind that Fox has the most valuable ad space in primetime. Or that they charge $1 per text vote, which by my math - and I only got a perfect score on the SAT math, so don't hold me to this - means they "raise" about $100 million every three weeks for their own pockets. This week, as you sit on your couch and enjoy the roller coaster of emotion and gutteral reactions that is "Idol Gives Back" ("Fergie and Heart are nailing Barracuda... Oh my god, are flies coming out of that kid's eye... Rihanna looks so pretty in her fancy dress... Is that a woman actually drowning in Hurricane Katrina?") just know this: You can sit back and feel good, knowing that your charitable contribution is definitely helping the needy. Just maybe not as much as Fox would like you to think.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Where 'Idol's' Charitable Arm Reaches

Gaze in open-mawed horror as Run-DMC's "It's Tricky" gets utterly butchered. Feel your skin crawl as Jason Castro shows off his mad dribbling skillz. Mourn for your departed soul as Kristy Lee Cook swats the ball away from a charging black man.

It ain't pretty, to be sure. But if Ford is actually committed to taking the Idol contestants down this road, may we suggest that next week they cover Akinyele's classic "Put It In Your Mouth"? That might be enough to make us buy a Focus.

• American Idol [FOX]

"I've never had any work done. I've had a facial or two because I've got to get that makeup out of my pores. Otherwise, I'll look like Pizza Face."

We kid! Certainly there's more to ruling the world than facials, right? As Seacrest himself puts it, "I knew exactly what my path was when I was 9 years old...I knew there'd be about 3 million steps, but I also knew I had to get through them." But how do his idols feel about their replacement? According to Regis Philbin, it was the matter of being the right person at the right time. Then there's the fact that Seacrest has informed The Washington Post that he intends on taking over for Larry King once he, uh, "goes." And fellow talk show host Craig Ferguson has his own opinions on the Seacrest sensation: "Ryan admitted that he cried at Eva Longoria Parker's wedding...Hang in there, Ryan. Someday you'll find someone just like Tony."

But despite all the insults, jabs and jeers from Cowell three nights a week, Ryan's massive success is becoming less and less mockable. Why? He's got cash — LOTS of cash. He takes in $12 mill annually from hosting Idol and he recently inked a 3 year deal with the notorious cheapskates at E! for $21 mill. Now add his (undisclosed) income from radio shows, his clothing line, and endless endorsement deals, and you're looking at a guy who's made a fortune based on good manicures, sexual ambiguity, and a mouth so chatty he really does give Larry a run for his money. If only he could manage to explain that whole "flu" fiasco at this year's Golden Globes, we'd forgo our years of player-hatin' and crown him king.

• THE MAN, THE BRAND, THE PLAN TO RULE TV [Washington Post]
• RYAN SEACREST INC.[Nikki Finke]

But it was contestant Brooke White for whom she saved her most venomous rhetoric, accusing the emotive earth mother—seconded only by Paula Abdul in the ease and frequency with which she can access her sob-reflex—of befouling George Harrison's "Here Comes the Sun" with a dunderheaded interpretation that involved the donning of a literal sun dress, impromptu pirouettes, and involuntary yelps of joy. Or, to put it in Shepherd's terms, the Earth may not be flat, but that crazy bitch in the yellow sure as hell is.

• The View

1. Rhinoplasty, including a narrowing of the bridge of his nose and sharpening of its tip.
2. A severely drooping left eyelid and much smaller eye suggests a possible eye-lift gone awry, or that his copy is being projected too small on the right side of E!'s malfunctioning teleprompter screen.
3. A noticeable lack of forehead creases and frown lines suggests the use of Botox, or at the very least the application of Adobe's new Botox Photoshop filter.
4. Hair chemically relaxed and highlighted with a partial foil treatment, which may have permanently seared off the left portion of his hairline.
Advanced Questions for Bonus Credit
5. Calf implants.
6. Hot new cosmetic surgery technique VASER High-Definition Liposculpture, for a better-contoured six-pack.

Thanks for playing!

[Photo Credit: WireImage]

• Ryan Seacrest Knows What You Think of Him [Details]

For starters, the bashful, 17-year-old demi-Honduran seemed more nervous than usual in his introductory video package—not the energized nerves of a confident performer that might lead him to erupt into spontaneous choruses of "Flashdance... What a Feeling," but rather the white-knuckle distress of someone walking into a final matriculation unprepared. His admission that he is almost completely illiterate to the Lennon/McCartney songbook did not reassure us, either, particularly from a performer whose angelic interpretation of "Imagine" was what was credited with securing his coveted spot on the Big Stage in the first place.

And there he stood—a tiny, twittering uvula hanging at the back of a giant, flashing orifice. Put aside for a moment the fact that the song he chose, "We Can Work It Out," was in every way beyond his technical means. Ignore too the disconcerting lip-moistening between every verse, and the auto-show-model arm gestures. The Chosen One had committed the cardinal Idol no-no, failing to heed the one admonishment drilled into our heads repeatedly by Idol's Wayne Brady-hosted, ghetto follow-up: He forgot the lyrics, and in doing so, went in the span of one verse from Messiah to Sanjaya.

• americanidol.com

Dolled up in a silk ascot and the most ornately lined blazer completely-lucked-upon money can buy, Jackson begged to differ with Joy Behar's assessment that the show's popularity hinged on the absent Simon Cowell (who, shitting bigger than Elisabeth Hasselbeck, had better things to do today). They were also made to address the seeming double standard that sent poor contestant Frenchie Davis home for naughty internet work, but allowed exotic-dancing, unwitting booger-harborer David Hernandez to stay. Abdul explained the two not-very-different scenarios as "different." Perhaps if female-body-curious Barbara Walters had been there, her generous offer of demonstrating the finer shadings between the two sex-working genres would have been more enthusiastically received.

• The View

Luckily, Paula Classic™ was back to form last night, as slurrily effusive as ever: Enjoy every facet of her soft-focus existence in this montage by Defamer videocronologist Molly McAleer. We really have no idea what combination of ingestants is causing Abdul to hallucinate so strongly, she again envisioned the moth and cantaloupe oracle that visited her in Season 5. And frankly, we don't care. Hey Paula: Welcome back, old friend. Paula? No seriously, Paula? Does anyone have a hand mirror?!

• americanidol.com

Bonus intro footage: Danny Noriega did not just mmmhmm Ryan Seacrest over purple hair highlights! OMGZ! He didz!

• American Idol

TVGuide.com: Will the revelations about David's stripper past have any impact on whether he stays on the show?

Ken Warwick: No, it won't make any difference. The truth is, we're never judgmental about what people do to earn a living. They've got to put food in people's mouths. We've had strippers on the show before. Nikki McKibbon was one in [Season] 1. We're never judgmental about people who do things like that. If it were some sort of heavy porn, then maybe we'd have to take action. But certainly not on this. [...]

TVGuide.com: Have you seen him since the news broke?
Warwick: I haven't actually seen him today but I'm not worried about it. The thing is, at the end, the public will make the decision anyway. If there's a stretch of the public that thinks, "Oh, dear, he was a male stripper, so I'm not going to vote for him," then that's the luck of the draw. If the public doesn't like him, then they'll get rid of him.

The easygoing Warwick then threw back his head with a laugh, offering, "Let me put it to you another way: Even if turned out that this guy was the starring attraction in a series of leather-themed bukake movies and instructional fisting videos, he still doesn't have a shot in hell of winning. Haven't you been watching? That David Archuleta kid has this thing all sewn up, and the scariest thing in his closet is an old Barney doll! So quit worrying your little head off about who or what Hernandez has done for money in public with no pants on. It's just needless stress, silly!" before cutting the interview short for that afternoon's dress rehearsal.

• Idol Producer: David H.'s Stripper Past "Won't Make Any Difference" [TVGuide.com]

first floated by VoteFortheWorst.com, it turns out Hernandez did indeed work at a Phoenix gentlemen-only pole-dancing venue called Dick's Cabaret, "appearing fully nude and performing lap dances for the club's 'mostly male' clientele." We hope, in its mature seventh season, that Idol can overlook such past transgressions, even if it requires sitting David Archuleta down for a delicate explanation of why Hernandez's middle-aged, moustachioed cheering section wave dollar bills in the air after his every Idol performance.

And because one controversy is hardly enough, we also offer the above MySpace video of contestant Danny Noriega's delivering some Christmastime good tidings. God bless us, every one!

• KissNation
• Strip Club: 'Idol' Once Danced Here [ABC News/AP]

• MORE SEXY PHOTOS FROM "IDOL" RAMIELE MALUBAY [celebtv.com]

Interestingly, Whitaker nearly broke away from Idol tradition of sucking it up for one last performance (we're still waiting for the contestant who's forced to sing "I'm Walking on Sunshine" through an open spigot of tears), telling Ryan Seacrest that there was no way in hell she'd be able to perform for 32 million of her closest friends so soon after seeing her career hopes snuffed. With the support of her Idol friends, however, she eventually overcame, and America will not soon forget her stirring rendition of (checking website again) "Hopelessly Devoted to You."

• American Idol Season 7 Contestants

• American Idol

· Competitors will not only have to outplay the Gladiators, but also demonstrate that they possess an innate, star-making quality, which Cowell calls the "G-Force." Otherwise, as he puts it, "I think to myself, 'So what?' I could see that kind of foam-baton jousting match on virtually any cruise deck in the Mediterranean."
· In the final event, The Paulanator, competitors will be required to transport a slack, comatose Paula Abdul through a challenging gauntlet, up a backwards-moving conveyor belt, and finally toss the singer's dead weight into a pool of ice water in the hopes of reviving her. Should she lose her weave at any point in the course, a five second penalty will be automatically dispensed.

• Cowell is ITV's new Gladiator [thesun.co.uk]

· There's a good reason that Robbie Carrico, the former boy-bander who's thus far failed to convince the judges that he has the soul of a rocker, looks like "Justin Timberlake with a really bunk weave," as EW.com describes him. He's wearing a wig. "Sources tell us Robbie never talks about his matted down piece and that makes production members feel like it's the blonde elephant in the room." [TMZ]
· David Hernandez, who reestablished himself with a fairly soulful rendition of "Papa Was a Rolling Stone," might be a Stealth Gay, overshadowed by some of his more flaming competitors. Photos have emerged of him working as a shirtless bartender at a Phoenix gay bar called Burn (or Bum, their logo makes it hard to discern), and—get ready for the scandal part!—that he stripped at another fine Phoenix establishment called Dick's Cabaret. Gasp. [Vote For the Worst]
· Finally, in the most scandalous scandal of all, message boards have been identifying blond-accented singing dad Jason Yeager as having gone the Jerry Lee Lewis route with his son's mom, minus the incest part. If you catch our drift. We can't even mention it here! It's much too scandalous! [thehollywoodgossip.com]