Defamer: ali lohan

Ali Lohan 'Makes It Delicious' In Televised Tryout For Vaunted Porn Producer

Molly Friedman — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 17:55:00 PDT

It’s always a hoot when you show up to an audition thinking you’re just trying out for another straight-to-DVD horror remake, only to find out afterwards that you just emoted all your talents in front of a titan of the porn industry. In yet another display of complete parental ignorance, Dina Lohan’s decision to send Lindsay-wannabe Ali on a journey to score a part in Troll in this weekend’s season finale of Living Lohan was kind of equivalent to sending your 14-year old daughter on a read-through of Bun Busters 13 or Breast Wishes 15. Yes, Ali’s eager efforts to make it big in showbiz has officially included a smiley “nerve-wracking” experience reciting classic lines like “Ratburgers!” in front of the multi-colored hair piece-topped Peter Davy, responsible for discovering gangbang queen Houston, among many other hardcore accomplishments. The clip, including Ali's stomach-tightening attempt to impress the porn industry professionals, after the jump.

We, just like most of you, watched the Sunday finale of Dina’s pet project somewhat naïvely, unsuspecting of any cameos by canonized porn producers or guest spots made by directors intending on using Ali’s potential role into a “private instruction” on how to turn an otherwise innocuous ‘80s film remake into a “delicious” and sexy flick made magical by “people in China.” While the Troll director’s instructions guide Ali through much of the embarrassing audition, we have a sneaking suspicion that Davy’s presence is to blame for the wee Lohan’s need to imitate the “acrobatic” lead’s performance as Eunice, the “guardian against dark magic,” by imagining the casting room’s crew of greasy-haired Skinematic and Blowtime veterans are “really big movie people.” Typically, we await tomorrow, when Dina releases a statement denying Ali was ever in such a room whatsoever, and that any footage documenting the fact that she was were created by vicious haters is pure “bull doodie.”

ALI LOHAN TO PORN LEGEND: PUT ME IN YOUR FLICK! [TMZ]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ‘Ali Is A Little Scared Because She’s Meeting Adults’

Molly Friedman — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 18:40:00 PDT

We don’t know whether to cry tears of sadness or sweet relief, but last night brought us the heartbreaking season finale of Dina Lohan’s dream come true: the Lindsay-free joy ride through the one of the most frightening TV family’s household that was Living Lohan. And despite all Dina’s efforts to convince us we should be happy for little 14-year old Ali and her double whammy of career success stories featured in this episode, the last few months have taught us that a role in the Troll remake and a single that makes our ears bleed do not necessarily a superstar make. But, as we’ve learned throughout the season, no matter how small these sad triumphs, if it weren’t for Dina and her never-ending flow of parental lessons, Ali would still just be some normal teenager allowed to go to the mall with friends and shop, instead of Dina's way of remaining the Mother Of The Century:

1) Guarantee Daughter Flops An Audition By Giving Her The Script The Day Before! As we noted a while back, Ali is reportedly slated to appear in the “Worst Movie Ever Made,” a remake of cheap horror dramedy Troll. And though it’s quite obvious to everyone else that the producers are intent on casting a Lohan to get their movie some publicity, Dina manages to make the situation as difficult as possible by handing her the script one day before her audition. But we can’t really argue with this nugget of wisdom: “If you’re a really good director, you will know and you will see if someone has talent whether they know the lines or don’t know the lines.”

2) Show Support During Said Audition By Telling Daughter, "You Don’t Need Mommy"! After noting how scary it can be for someone like Ali, who doesn’t exactly have the most mature parents in the world, to meet real-live “adults,” Dina responds to her tween’s meager request for assistance during the meeting with the flick’s director by telling her, “You don’t need mommy.” Way to bolster her chances for an inevitable estrangement “just like Lindsay!”

And that's a wrap! While we have yet to learn whether or not they'll be a Season Two of Living Lohan, one thing is certain — whether or not Ali succeeds in her career, Dina will surely find a way to continue to keep her name in the news. After all, isn't that what living Lohan is all about?

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

For First Time Ever, Lindsay Lohan Not Rushed To Hospital, Sam Ronson Not A Bitch

Molly Friedman — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:10:00 PDT

Just when things seemed to be coming up roses for Lindsay Lohan, none other than (surprise!) Mother of the Century Dina has jumped on the chance to turn two otherwise non-items into full-out scandals reminiscent of Lohan’s cokepants days. First, reports surfaced that her cigarette- and hickey-delivery girl Sam Ronson refused to play vocally challenged Ali Lohan’s new single at a DJ’ing gig last week because she felt the song was “really bad.” Not exactly breaking news, right? Thanks to Dina and Living Lohan, we already know anything Ali squeaks out won’t turn her into the next Whitney Houston (or even the next Lindsay). Then, over the weekend, TMZ reported that Lohan and Ronson were victims of a hit-and-run bicyclist while taking an innocent walk home after a night out in New York, ending with Lohan in the hospital. And so what? It’s not like Lohan was the hitter-and-runner, and any hospital stay without the phrases “asthma attack” or “fainting spell” attached to it is fine by us. But courtesy of both Michael Lohan and Dina's consistently yapping mouths, we will know have the pleasure of associating both stories with the phrase, “bull doodie”:

As TMZ claimed on Saturday, Lohan was driven to a local NYC hospital after the lovey dovey lesbian duo were out late Friday night and a wayward biker struck the seemingly soberific star. After her both her rep confirmed the hospital stay to TMZ, and a hospital source stated the same details to the NY Post, the wonderful beacon of maternal guidance that is Dina tells the Post today that the entire story is "bull doodie." And! Even Michael Lohan, surely the runner-up for Long Island's Father Of The Year trophy, chipped in to assure the same paper that Lohan texted him over the weekend to say she was "fine, Daddy." Hey, who needs hospital sources and reps when you've got parents like that to bring the truth forward with oh-so-believable rebuttals?

As for poor Ali, the Post reported over the weekend that notoriously smug (when it comes to musical taste) girlfriend Ronson had the nerve to turn down Dina's request to play the tween hack's new single at a NYC party — but today, Ronson reportedly took to her MySpace page to shoot down the rumors, calling the deafening ditty a "fucking great pop song." Which is sweet, until you realize that Ronson doesn't actually like pop songs — though we'd instinctively suspect Dina of instructing child-for-hire Cody to bust into Ronson's blog and write the entry himself, we prefer giving our favorite scissor-kicking couple the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe Lindsay does call Michael "Daddy." Maybe Ronson does love Ali's music. And maybe, just maybe, "bull doodie" is the new "crack is whack."

LO-DOWN SAM [NYP]
SAMANTHA RONSON: ALI LOHAN SINGLE IS 'GREAT' [People]
LINDSAY LOHAN'S 'FINE' AFTER LATE-NIGHT BIKE HIT [NYDN]
PARENTS DENY LINDSAY LOHAN INJURY STORY [NYP]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'I Now Realize I've Been Punk'd By An 11-Year Old'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 16:30:00 PDT

At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

1) More Tips On Downsizing Prepubescent Son’s Balls! Simple, really: assign them the task of assisting your blatant famewhoredom, ignoring how obviously disinterested they are in participating, then follow up by denying you ever enlisted their help whatsoever. Most importantly, perform this task on television.

2) Repeatedly Remind Fragile Tween Daughter Just How Big Of A Failure She Is! With no call-backs or word from producers regarding Ali’s non-existent and doomed career as a white rapper, Dina reminds Ali that she only had “one shot and you don’t blow it.” Insinuating, of course, that she blew it. Resolution? Tell her to go ahead and be “a little girl.” Then proceed to make the easily influenced Ali jealous of your own fantastic body by subtly sauntering up to her after a work-out and displaying just how much hotter your abs are than hers.

3) Fix Your Kids’ Sour Moods (Caused By You, Naturally) By Embarrassing Yourself In Public! And what better way for Dina to do the above than “dance” in her own Vegas performance, failing to actually put any of those Rockette Lies to rest at all. And no, that wasn’t just your screen — Dina really did just use Bring It On’s guaranteed-to-fail Jazz Hands move. More than once. But as long as your kids are mortified by you, you’ve sacrificed your own dignity to make ‘em laugh. Like hyenas. At you. Success!

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'Hef's Girlfriends Are Very Pretty.'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 17:40:28 PDT

In the grainy land of reality show famewhoring, sometimes a pair of boobs will come together and a cable miracle is born. And that’s exactly what happened last night when we saw our maternal icon, Dina Lohan, meet our paternal icon, Hugh Hefner. On the latest edition of television’s most reliable guide to parenting, Dina taught us some highly unique strategies in order to effectively downsize your son’s balls, fake your way to the fountain of youth via Me-Time, and prove to your tweenage daughter just how insanely awesome and superior you are by making her choose between “Mr. Hot” and a career in music best left for those with actual talent. The newest lessons learned from Living Lohan, below:

1) How To Cure Pre-Teen Son’s Boredom: Place Silicone Breasts Directly In Front Of Child’s Face! While Ali burns eardrums away in the recording studio, Dina finds herself in a horrifying place: alone with Cody, the one kid she has nothing in common with. And Cody was bored, as many a boring person becomes when left unentertained by others. So! Off to meet the Girls Next Door and their owner Hugh Hefner, where any swinging dick, no matter how pre-pubescent, will promptly blush, explode in giggles, and shamefully retreat.

2) How To Undermine Your Daughter: Ensure They Never Succeed In Showbiz! After Dina hires the aforementioned Mr. Hot, a clearly under-qualified music producer who specializes in "guy songs," Ali musters up enough courage to question her mom's decision. But the poor tone-deaf kid obviously still doesn't know who she's dealing with — whenever her expert opinion is questioned, Dina knows to respond by instantly blaming the inadequate results on your child, and secondly, repeat the under-used and always infuriating "I told ya so!" mantra.

3) How To Feel Sexy When Pushing Fifty: A Little Trick Called 'Me Time'! If you're like us, you've often stared into the flawless abyss that is Dina Lohan's wrinkle-free face and wondered how, (HOW!?) can anyone be so impossibly beautiful after pushing out three and a half kids. Dina's secret? Odd and embarrassing workouts involving melon-size green aerobic balls used as disco-blaring speakers only the insane can bop along to! Oh, and mani-pedis, of course.

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: ''Hot' Is Not In My Vocabulary'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 15:40:00 PDT

Last night’s Living Lohan was all about Ali and her glass-breaking array of vocal talents. The happy family, which is somehow shrinking and growing simultaneously every day now, is still taking Las Vegas by storm as each member’s collective talents go into creating International Superstar-Turned-Trainwreck number two. Little Cody helps out by distracting Dina with adolescent silliness like concussions and that all-too-common need to be “loved,” Ali helps broaden the franchise by doing her best Daddy Left Us And I’m Gonna Record My Angst- And Nicotine-Laced Breakdowns For You! rehashing of Lindsay’s already perfected musical adventures, and Dina grants us with another round of must-have parenting lessons:

1) Build Value Systems By Cooing Over Tween Hotties, Ignoring Potentially Fatal Physical Traumas: As the merry threesome prepares to jet from their booby mommy enclave on Long Island to glittery, career-boosting party town for all ages Las Vegas, Dina provides a very important display of maternal morals. Cody, wincing in pain, reports a “concussion,” and after initially (intelligently!) ignoring his sobs, he repeats the alert, begging her to “listen!” But Dina marches ahead, tending to her judging responsibilities in the realm of Severely Underage Girl Sexiness, proving one’s own painfully immature value hierarchy should be spread to spawn firmly and decisively. Also, that no matter how “hot” one knows one is, never let on to the kiddies. They’ll be totally jealous.

2) Disguise Personal Ambitions By Vicariously Living Them Out Through Equally Talentless Daughter: No matter how stomach-turning and phlegm-laced her screeches, Dina encourages 14-year old Ali’s musical goals by following a very difficult method: imagination! Dina insists Ali is talented because she “trusts the producer.” The producer, who is being paid by Dina to provide a very pricey stage for practice and far too many recording sessions that cost who-knows-what. Dina’s solution to the reality? “I leave the room.”

3) Decrease “Mom” Time By Assigning Majority Of It To Staff And Hiring “Magicians”: Spending time with your kids can be totally annoying. You have to feign interest in their love of dumb boy things like sports (ick) and magic (so W.T.). So Dina, loving mother that she is, shows her sole male heir just how much she cares about him by providing suitable entertainment throughout the day. Translation? By hiring other people to insert Fun into his routine! And then bragging about the QT to other siblings, who are so exhausted from “singing” they yearn for her divided attention that much more.

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Lindsay Lohan's 'Secret Half-Sister' Surfaces, Michael Lohan Excitedly Fuels Rumor's Truthiness

Molly Friedman — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 16:50:00 PDT

Not that claims like these are shocking when you’re part of that wild fame-chasing bunch currently Living Lohan, but Star is reporting that one of Michael Lohan's old flings has taken a paternity test to prove her 13-year old daughter is the newest member of everyone’s favorite dysfunctional family. According to the mag, a Montana woman named Kristi Kaufmann is coming forward to “make sure the truth comes out...‘My daughter has a right to know who her father is — and it’s Michael.’” Now married to a new cowboy hat-wearing realtor, the 44-year old’s claims aren’t exactly being denied by the wig-loving Born Again. Michael’s ambiguous response, and whether or not the details and timing supplied by Kaufmann support the possibility that Lindsay Lohan has yet another little sister who will inevitably want to "be just like her," after the jump.

As Michael told Extra this morning,

"I met Christie [sic] in 1982 in Houston. In 1995, when I was separated from Dina, she contacted me that she was moving to Long Island...I was with her for a week...Years later, while I was in prison, she contacted to me to say she had a paternity test done that revealed the child's father was not her husband. She said I was the only other man she had been with. My lawyers are dealing with this. When we find out the truth we will deal with it in the appropriate manner.

Michael told Star a similar tale, also ending with a remark about his notoriously excellent lawyers and their plans to "sort this out."

But OK!, who claims their story on the possible Lohan family addition is "exclusive," teases us with this juicy assurance:

"OK! has seen letters Michael wrote to the girl's mother where he says that his secret daughter 'is beginning to look a lot like Linds, with a mix of [younger brother] Cody, believe it or not.' He also sent his daughter a photograph of himself while he was still in Collins Correctional Facility which he signed 'Love Daddy.'"

While the timing and supplied details appear to line up, our excitement over whether or not the allegations are valid or not is lower on the anticipation scale than seeing actual copies of these prison love letters from Papa Michael. Mainly because we suspect they outshine those thought balloon-adorned cartoon homages Uma Thurman's stalker memorably crafted, based on Michael's history of artistic talent and prowess when it comes to freakish drawings lovingly drawn from the clink.

[Photo credits: NY Daily News, Aisha Music]

EXCLUSIVE: LINDSAY'S SECRET HALF-SISTER REVEALED! HER MOM TALKS TO 'STAR' [Star]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'Where'd You Read That, On The Internet?!'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:40:00 PDT

Last night's episode of Living Lohan was filled to the brim with heartbreak. Emotions, both minutely real and highly fake, were on display for the cameras. The actual sound of Dina's skin cracking as her now-infamous crocodile tears struggled to liquefy was audible. And, as every Dina-phile knows, each opportunity to feign care for her cherished cash cow kids brings another lesson from the one and only Mother of the Century. After watching Dina and her brood prepare for a wild 'n crazy trip to Las Vegas that may or may not be ruined by lovable lush/I Know Who Killed Me fan Nana Lohan, Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer plucked three classic family values as illustrated by Dina herself:

1) Always Take Your Children's Needs Into Consideration. Except When You're 'Bout To Get Your Party On In Vegas! As the doomed 11-year old Cody quietly requests to remain home with his friends rather than follow Dina and Ali around as they con rich gamblers like Sigourney Weaver and Jennifer Love Hewitt in Heartbreakers, Dina smartly responds by laughing in his face, confessing "privately" to the entire world that her children do not have generic, boring human abilities like "choice." Thoroughly humiliated, talking back is no longer an option — job well done.

2) Having Old Moms Is Sad, Especially When The Only Time You See Them Is Through Your Tinted Windows On The Way Back From Da Club! Dina makes quite an effort to point out just how terribly sad and lonely her dear old mother is, and we almost spot an actual set of angelic wings atop her stiff shoulders when she insists that her brother take care of the 82-year old widow while she and her brood attempt to get famous. And Dina, clever minx, even pretends to extend an invite to the Chardonnay lady by suggesting they all trek over the border in a Winnebago! Brilliant. Everyone hates Winnebagos! Emotion displayed, feelings expressed, buzzkill excluded.

3) Shopping Is Way More Fun With Daughters, So Dress Your Sons In Nothing But Nike! We really are feeling sorry for young Cody, particularly after watching Dina hire his friends last week, and the 11-year old wasn't showing any signs of altering his fate towards Corey-esque levels of decadence last night. Pleading to stay home while the girls shop for girly shit in Vegas, Cody dares to challenge Dina with a bit of truthiness: Dina never takes him shopping! But our maternal icon, naturally, comes up with a one-word solution to every mom's troubles when dealing with dressing a prepubescent boy: "Niketown." The one-stop cheap shot way to portray a loving mother without having to actually lay a manicured finger on things like "nylon" or "mesh lining."

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Ali Lohan Mere Inches Away From Her Big Break In 'Worst Movie Ever Made' Remake!

Molly Friedman — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:35:00 PDT

Sometimes we feel the need to get down on our knees and bow down to Mother of the Century Dina Lohan. Not only did she produce the neverending carnival ride that is Lindsay Lohan, but she has managed to do the impossible: get Ali Lohan a job. Sure, Ali was supposed to be a rap star or white hip hop lyricist or something, but a gig is a gig. Proving that one should always be careful of what they wish for, Ali’s desire to “be just like Lindsay” has manifested in the form of a potential starring role in the remake of a 1980s cult not-so-classic. But before congratulating the 15-year old by sending over a giant supply of cokepants and nail polish to Casa Lohan, we’re forced to rain on this pitiful parade by informing you which movie Ali’s Big Break will be in: the remake of Troll. Why this is quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas, after the jump.

Let’s begin by noting that Troll, the 1986 low-budget comedy/horror flick, was named as one of the 50 Worst Movies Ever Made in a documentary film of the same name. Of course, the doc was made in 2004, so it’s quite possible I Know Who Killed Me might have bumped it off the list were it released beforehand. Moving on! Among the myriad reasons why the Rosemary’s Baby-meets-The Exorcist-meets-Chuckie caper was a horrendous hack job unworthy of its two sequels or any kind of remake whatsoever, is this bit of trivia: a young male character in the film is named Harry Potter Jr., and due to the presence of a young male character with the same name in JK Rowling’s bank-breaking series and films, original Troll writer/director John Carl Buechler is of the opinion that he invented “the original Harry Potter.”

So what joy awaits us should Ali nail the role? For those of you who haven’t weeped through a viewing of this Dark Crystal wannabe, Torak the Troll is a funny-looking little demon thing who possesses inhabitants of an apartment building, infusing them with the spirits of things like goblins and bugbears, trapping them in coffins and unleashing murderous bat monsters, his version of Judge Doom’s “Dip.” But the far-from-funny dialogue and moldy amateur filming led to its rep as an all-time worst of the worst. Little Ali, should she be lucky enough to play Torak’s beloved ex-wife Eunice, will be making her big screen debut as a witch whose heart belongs to one of the most despised and ignored horror villains in movie history. We can just hear Dina’s overly-tight jeans snapping in half as she high-kicks her way into an adrenaline rush higher than any Lindsay has ever experienced. Bravo.

ALI LOHAN: TROLL'S NEW GIRL? [E!]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'She's Gonna Grow Up And Hate Me'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:55:00 PDT

As we’ve learned on our first few voyages into the Living Lohan household, where Dina Lohan knows best and familial ties do not exempt you from abiding by her all-knowing wrath, the multi-tasking Momager extraordinaire proved her managerial skills outstandingly in last night’s episode. The Other Lohan, the surfer-haired preteen brother whose dismal fate has been shoved to the side the more worried and concerned we become following rising rap star Ali’s increasingly deafening fits of rage, had his first shot at some real camera time during this episode. And despite Dina’s obvious disinterest in her son’s career prospects (that is, until he hits puberty and his marketing appeal among tweenybop girls increases exponentially), the queen of the house does find time to throw cash at the problem. Low-prioritized Cody-centric tasks include hiring a token age-equivalent friend, halfheartedly attempting to include him in yet another Ali photo spread, and feigning concern for all three ~~moneymakers~~ children during whiny, crocodile tear-filled cries for help aimed at Tough Love Lohan grandmatriarch, Ann Sullivan. Our picks for Dina’s three most inspiring parenting lessons from last evening’s half-hour are:

1) When Your Daughter Cries Due To Physical Pain, Take Charge By Screaming Your Personal Assistant’s Name Until The Minion Arrives To Solve The Problem! After forcing rising rap star and Lindsay 2.0 Ali to undergo yet another photo shoot held in the soothing enclave of Dina’s Ground Zero (the Lohans’ Long Island manse/business center), Ali dares to complain about the discomfort caused by all ten pounds of pancake makeup applied to her face. Dina’s solution? The overlordess promptly begins a rousing succession of shrill barks directed at the family’s misplaced assistant Alexis, the kids’ ~~real~~ stand-in mother. Genius, mainly because the servant will obviously arrive far sooner than it will take Dina to exacerbate her troubles to the growing camera crew presence constantly throwing Serious Questions in her direction.

2) Provoke Sympathy From Viewers By Bringing Up Dead Ex-Boyfriend Memories! As Dina voices her endless truckload of issues every major celebrity mom has to deal with, mainly the fact that, you know, she was “in this business,” and “you just have to love them” no matter how many more luxuries than young carpenter’s dream Dina did than Ali at her age, Dina loudly provides an example of just how brutal her childhood was: “You know I dated somebody who was killed in a car accident.” Say no more, Dina. No really, say no more.

3) Provide Lessons On Maturity And Professionalism By Offering Makeup To Son For Laughs And Slamming Doors In Daughter's Face! You see, the pivotal plot line last night revolved around Ali’s sneaky purchase of a puppy behind Dina’s back. Dina provides various displays of parenting excellence by yelling and screaming at Ali before ultimately showing us exactly how mothers should deal with an unruly door-slamming teenager: prove your dominance by slamming their bedroom door right back at them. Top the move off by completing the lesson with an exclamatory “Nice try! Watch! I can do this too!” The risk of inviting Ali to force Dina out of her room by slamming her door every half-hour is balanced by just how totally awesome and in charge Dina looks throwing an adult version of a shit fit.

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: “I Was Called Spider Legs, Carpenter’s Dream, Flat As A Board”

Molly Friedman — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:50:00 PDT

In our second edition of Living Lohan’s most valuable lessons as taught by Professor Dina, we couldn’t help being distracted by our studies in good parenting by upcoming rapper Ali’s sudden, unexpected and quite exciting new personality. Did the former zombie-ish little Lohan really just throw a fit? Yell at the almighty Dina? As captivated as we were by this week’s tips from Dina, lovingly crafted by Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer, we must note our newfound appreciation for this screaming version of little Ali. It’s like, we can’t put our finger on how exactly she’s changed but, oh wait! Yes, she’s showing her very first signs of Becoming Lindsay. Finally, the process begins. With that, we present three rules of manicured thumb we learned from the big D last night:

Invent Imaginary ‘Allergies’ To Break Tweenage Daughter From Her Nail-Polish Habit! Despite being a provably devoted fan of nail polish in all its acrylic glory, Dina found herself in one of those situations every mother does nowadays: being trapped in an SUV with a cameraman by your side as your gory makeup-loving daughter paints her own nails. Solution? Whine endlessly about your "allergy" to the stuff, as you struggle to drive with nails so polished even one of Lindsay's toy knives couldn't break 'em.

Deal With Daughter’s Mean Friends By Inviting Access Hollywood Over! After receiving a call from Ali's school and learning that real-live "Mean Girls" were picking on her, Dina wisely handles her 15-year old's moping by inviting a nationally broadcast tabloid crew over to the ~~manse~~ house. The decision may seem counterproductive, potentially conducive to yet more stress, and generally irrelevant, but Dina knows what she's doing: distracting Ali from junior high bitches at her school by ensuring junior high bitches at every school in the land will pick on her! Lesson? Let as many people talk shit about you as possible, so long as they're all far, far away.

Enlist Token Friend With Worse Hair And Sadder Life Than You To Battle Blues! Even after sweeping that whole incident under the table (well, you know, broadcasting it on television, which is really the same thing), Dina confides in one of her BFFs about the traumatic experience. And in a stroke of Dina's trademark brilliance, this particular BFF was chosen for several clever reasons to boost Dina's mood: she wears glasses (Dina wears botulinum toxin), she does not do her hair (Dina has a blow-drying attendant just above Ali and just below Lindsay on speed dial), and she's tragically dealing with the loss of one of her own children. The entire package is enough to make Dina summon her best crocodile tears and just maybe, a little sympathy from the show's ~~viewer~~ viewers.

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Kathy Griffin And Al Roker Lap Dance Their Way Towards A Legendary Moment In Live Television History

Molly Friedman — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 13:00:00 PDT

For any of you out there who still don’t “get” Kathy Griffin, we now present you with a single clip that will effectively prompt a lifelong love affair with the red-headed, fast-talking, Scientology-bashing spark plug of an entertainer that she is. On the Today Show this morning, giggly Al Roker had the pleasure of speaking with Kathy about her upcoming hosting job of Bravo’s inaugural A-List Awards and not-so-innocently asked her if there was really anything she wouldn’t do on camera, considering her reputation as a truthiness-telling comedienne who never holds back. What followed was a delicious and epic moment in television history, during which Roker was given a lap dance, off-screen staffers were overheard gasping, and images of a Roker/Matt Lauer/Halle Berry threesome in “the big bed” were thrust into our collective imagination.

After lifting our jaw off the ground upon hearing Roker's response to the Griffin bump and grind ("Anyone got any cigarettes?"), we had to relocate our jaw once again as Griffin swiftly switched subjects to her hosting gig and, in a well-executed non-seguitur, finally said what has needed to be said about to-be rap star Ali Lohan for quite some time now. Explaining that she was given the job due to Ali and Dina Lohan's conflicting schedules (a joke, people, relax), she went ahead and launched our inner monologue right out into America's eardrums: "Yeah, Ali was busy doing her hip hop CD, because, you know, she’s white and 14 and lives on Long Island, so hip hop speaks to her." Oh Kathy. What was Woz thinking?

THE TODAY SHOW [NBC]

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'I Will Rip You Up And Chew You Out'

Molly Friedman — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:20:00 PDT

In case you hadn’t heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan’s new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don’t forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, “they” are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night’s second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that’s right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:

1) Just Because Your Daughter Has Asthma And Your House Is On Fire Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Party ‘Til Dawn!: While Dina leaves her two non-Lindsay, barely teenaged kids Ali and Cody alone to attend what must have been a very important event, because, you know, she's...what is she again when she's not out with Lindsay? Oprah's seat-filler or something? Anyway, Dina demonstrates how important it is to just take care of your business even though your two kids are about to die from an outlet fire and one has asthma and can't breathe. And there's no need to worry about keeping your cell phone handy - I mean what could go wrong? Like, as if an outlet is gonna blow up and nearly kill your asthmatic daughter? Oh. Right.

2) Should Someone Lie To Your Child, ‘Rip Them Up And Chew Them Out’!: Dina makes an excellent point when she tells her viewers that anyone who enters her house must tell the truth and nothing but the truth. This rule, of course, does not apply to her family or anything, just any visitors and stuff. And even though she doesn't admit to having any kind of seventh sense when it comes to lie-detecting, she might just rip you up and chew you out 'cuz she feels like it. She's Dina Lohan, in case you didn't know.

3) It’s Like, Totally Scary For A Mom When Your Child Is Beautiful, Talented And Funny!: So Lindsay did actually get a mention last night, and it was quasi-sweet, though simultaneously so nauseating we wanted to go find Michael Lohan and rip his wig hair out as though he were Dina's voodoo doll (mental note: Make. That. Happen.) You see, Dina and Lindsay have both just been struggling with the fact that Ali is so goddamn pretty and talented and gorgeous and tall and they simply cannot stop her from being the biggest star the world has ever seen. Well, after Dina Lohan, that is.

LIVING LOHAN [E!]

Lindsay Lohan And Samantha Ronson Officially Make Lesbianism Chic

Molly Friedman — Thu, 29 May 2008 13:15:00 PDT

Our favorite moment from the first episode of Living Lohan was when a giggly Ali Lohan said “I wanna be like Lindsay” in a very rehearsed, gun-to-her-head sort of way. Whichever puppet master that yanked her strings successfully managed to pull the transformation off, but not in the way we’d hoped. Rather than passing out in SUVs and borrowing some of Lindsay's many cokepants for a quick crash and burn, little Ali appears to be moving in on Lindsay’s girl. As the Lohan/Ronson romance spread their tattooed and hickey-scarred wings to New York yesterday, the gruesome twosome turned into an even more gruesome threesome, as Ali joined the honeymooners on shopping trips and lunch dates. But Ali may not gain entrance into the private club of two — you see, the psychic geniuses at the NY Post have already gone ahead and prepared for Lindsay’s official coming out. Their case for Lohan As Lesbian, plus sources’ details on the fact that “they’re definitely dating,” after the jump.

As one source tells the Daily Mail, "They're definitely dating. It's been going on for a long time now - they've been together casually for about a year." And just in case this alleged source is not to be trusted (as per usual), we always have Momager/Pimp extraordinaire Dina Lohan to chip in her two cents (again, as per usual): "Lindsay's mother Dina appears to have given the 30-year-old...her seal of approval. She said: 'Samantha's a sweetheart. She's great – and she's the best spinner around.'" Oh, Dina. Spinner? Really? Well, at least she didn't say "wheels of steel"...

As for the Post, they've decided this "relationship" is one of the smartest public image improvements Lindsay's made in years. And we have to agree with their point: these days, being a full-out lesbian is far cooler than dating Greek heirs and annoying has-beens with names like Wilmer. Girl-on-girl hickies top greasy reality show host fuck-and-tellers any day.

[Photo credit: Splash]

E! Premieres Bad Mother Block with Denise Richards & Dina Lohan

People Paula — Tue, 27 May 2008 11:50:00 PDT

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

First up was It’s Complicated (spoiler alert: it’s not), which begins with a title sequence that calls Richards a bitch and a husband stealer and then attempts to prove those assessments wrong. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t — all we know that is that by the second episode, we hope the producers can add a few more colorful descriptions of Denise into the opening credits. For starters, let's try chronically unemployed, negligent parent and self-obsessed brat. When she gushes in the show that people only know her as the Bond girl and the girl from Wild Things, one is tempted to reach through the screen and shake the delusion out of her skinny bones. Denise, nobody remembers you as a Bond girl, and showing your tits a decade ago isn’t exactly a resumé.

But Richards does have her angle: She used to be married to Charlie Sheen. Once upon a time, there was no way to make money just from being someone’s skanky old fish-faced ex. But Richards has found it, and all the pre-show hype has only helped her claw her way back into the spotlight. There were Sheen’s failed attempts to keep his children from being exploited on the show (which Richards executive produces, natch). Then came yesterday’s aptly-timed MSNBC report, where Richards claims Sheen recently left her a voicemail message saying, “I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you (bleeping) whore.” But don’t get excited; that message is ten times more interesting than anything in this half-hour snoozapalooza.

Next came Living Lohan, which we’re pretty sure had the working title The Creepy Blond Pimp, Lindsay #2 and Some Boy Who May or May Not Be Part of the Family. After the opening of the premiere episode (again, shots of dogs defecating on rugs - a reality TV fascination, for which we still have the Osbournes to blame) the story followed the burgeoning career of Lindsay Lohan’s little sister ~~Ashlee Simpson~~ Ali Lohan. Like Denise Richards, the Lohans seem to spend an inordinate amount of time researching themselves online. Where Denise “finds” a list of semi-famous men she’s dated and wants to brag about, Dina Lohan discovers a picture of her daughter Lindsay giving someone a blowjob. While Dina goes into media attack mode, fourteen-year-old Ali stares at the computer screen, as if she has seen her own fate. And she loves it.

Denise Richards: It's Complicated [E!]
Living Lohan [E!]

It's Like Yeah, Lindsay's Sister, She's Fine

Seth — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:10:00 PDT

Gripped by a paralzying case of Rain Manesque echolalia on her Late Show appearance last night ("OK, so you're going to follow Harrison Ford. He has a movie coming out? Indiana Jones? Then Dave will ask you all about your little E! reality show. Don't forget to have fun!") aspiring Lohan Ali seemed incapable of responding with much more than a nervous, "Yeah," to most of host David Letterman's questions. (We've added dings to help you count them: 21 in two minutes.)

Still, you don't need words to identify the sadness behind those eyes: Hardened by a million little tabloid items and passed homeroom notes, they tell the story of a childhood squandered inside a Palms hotel recording studio and countless Long Island-accent-eradication sessions, the monotony of the fame-machine only occasionally interrupted when mom smuggles in a six-pack of Seagram's Escapes and a pack of Merit Ultra Light Menthol 100s.

Late Show

Living La Vida Lohan

Mark Graham — Tue, 13 May 2008 18:00:00 PDT

· Get ready for the summer of exploitation on E! If Denise Richards or Dating Nightmares doesn't do it for ya, might we interest you in the White Oprah and her fame-starved daughter Ali? Nothing warms our cockles like the sight of a table full of sycophantic slags toasting a 14-year-old's non-existant career with champagne! [E!]
· What better way to honor Bea Arthur on her birthday than by counting down her 10 best moments? [BWE]
· Videogum is on the hunt for TWMOAT. What's that, you ask? The Worst Movie Of All-Time, natch. [Videogum]
· While the hot Muppet meme of the moment seems to be Sad Kermit singing "Needle In The Hay", we here at Defamer HQ vastly prefer Miss Piggy's tribute to "Fuck The Pain Away." [YouTube via Fimoculous]
· Larry Levine, the recording engineer who helped bring Phil Spector's "Wall Of Sound" to life, passed away at the age of 80. Roll down your windows and play The Ronettes' "Be My Baby" extra loud tonight in his honor. [LAT]

Dina Lohan Is This Year's Most 'Outstanding Mother', Says Cleavage-Bearing Long Island Mommy Cult

Molly Friedman — Wed, 07 May 2008 17:40:00 PDT

Proving our hunches that we are indeed living in Bizarro World, last night Dina Lohan, master momager/pimp and bestest friend to all her angelic children, received an award naming her Outstanding Mother of the Year. As you'll see in this clip, a ceremony celebrating super-duper moms like Dina was held in what appears to be The Roxy: Long Island Chain, crowded with cleavage-baring mothers dancing awkwardly to techno beats. Naturally the question needing an answer pronto is: why Dina? OK! nabbed an answer from the group's spokesperson: "We're just honoring celebrities' moms on Long Island...It's a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children." And how did this kooky group of "Mingling Moms" come to the decision that Dina was The One? Their President's very Scientology-like answer, plus more details on Dina's tipsy date and how the Momager herself justified the honor bestowed upon her, after the jump.

As Radar reports, Dina's plus-one was the grand matriarch of Lohan breeding: Dina's 82-year old mother, Ann Stewart, who allegedly spent most of the night drinking Chardonnay and proving Veritas really comes out In Vino: "Ann totally loved Lindsay in Parent Trap but skipped I Know Who Killed Me." Wise words, Ann. But an odd tidbit came in the form of Mingling Moms' President, who claimed Dina had won the honor after nabbing the most votes in an online "Best Mom" poll set up by the group. Though Radar notes, "No evidence of the poll actually exists on the website." Anyone else feel a rush of deja vu following yesterday's Scientology spokesperson-issued lies? In the end, all that really matters is what Dina has to say about the whole fiasco: "I was just watching Lindsay record a track for her third album a few days ago with Snoop Dogg[!]" Perfect. All moms should ensure their recently rehabbed kids go into business with the world's foremost ambassador of the use of medical marijuana. As the ~~cult~~ group said, "Congratulations Dina!"

DINA LOHAN MASSACRES MOTHER'S DAY [TMZ]
REDISCOVER DINA LOHAN: 'TOP MOM' [Radar]

Dina Lohan Decides It's High Time To Party With Her 14-Year Old ... In Vegas!

Molly Friedman — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 11:50:00 PDT

As much as we poke fun at Momager/Pimp Dina Lohan for her questionable parenting techniques and famewhore-y tactics to become just as cool and famous as her bankable daughter Lindsay, we secretly can't ignore the fact that having her as a mother might simply be loads of fun. Sure, you don't really have a role model, and you can't expect anyone to pick you up after school, but it's not like you go to school anyway! In Ali Lohan's case, you go to Las Vegas. MSNBC.com reports that Dina and Ali hit the strip to shoot scenes from their upcoming reality show Living Lohan and, from the sounds of it, had a grand ol' Britney Spears-in-garters kind of stay...

Though much of E!'s upcoming shitshow of a reality mess Living Lohan was said to be filmed on Long Island, where the Lohan clan was born and raised (however loosely), Dina still seems intent on showing the world hot incredibly awesome she is by taking Ali to Vegas a few days ago. And they're planning on bunking there for an extended stay while Ali records an album (shocker!) at The Palms. So what was on Dina's agenda? Seems her maternal instincts kicked in before after hours-fun began, and Ali was sent back to her room while Dina made a pit stop at the Playboy Club to down Sex on the Beaches. Just like a regular college kid on spring break. Well, one with three kids and a divorce under her belt, but who's counting?

SCOOP [MSNBC]

Ali Lohan May Have Gone Under The Knife At 14; Color Us Unsurprised

Molly Friedman — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 15:00:18 PDT

Is Ali Lohan's new look just a matter of spiffing up her hair and makeup for the Living Lohan camera crew, or could she be the latest victim of Ashlee Simpson Syndrome? As you'll recall, Ashlee wasn't able to escape the shadow of her big sister until she went under the knife, and now it appears that lil' Lohan might be following her lead. Some recent shots of her out and about on the red carpet show a nearly unrecognizable version of her former clean-faced, mousy-haired, age-appropriate self. After the jump, we took a look at a few before and after shots to try and figure out if Ali's new hotness is the result of a knife or if she just found herself one hell of a hairdresser.

Here's Ali last year, avoiding too much makeup, and letting her hair hang long and straight:

And here's Ali this week, premiering new bangs, smokey eyes, Sunset Tan skin, and noticeably plumper lips:

Putting aside the aesthetic differences, the fact we find most distressing is how much she's starting to resemble big sis Lindsay. However, it's important to note that Lindsay didn't transform into a dark haired, attitude laden diva until she was nearly 18 years old. We fear Lindsay's distance from Momager/Pimp Dina has resulted in Ali becoming White Oprah's new pet project. What's next, veneers and butt implants for Cody once Ali's been in and out of the revolving rehab door a few times too many?

[Photo Credits: Splash, Wireimage, Getty]

LINDSAY LOHAN TEEN SISTER ALI GETS SURGERY [The Sun]

Why Is Lindsay Lohan Shying Away From Dina's Dream Show Come True?

Molly Friedman — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:36:04 PDT

Lindsay Lohan has been doing an awful lot of public babbling regarding her determined efforts not to appear on Momager/pimp Dina Lohan's upcoming reality show. But does her unwillingness to appear have to do with those tightwads at E!'s inability to properly grease her pockets, or is it more that Lindsay is intentionally snubbing her fame-hungry family members? The official answers behind Lindsay's refusal have yet to be revealed, but judging from her current crop of friends, we're praying to the cable gods that either E! comes up with a killer paycheck or Lindsay gives in to Dina's assualt-by-camera tactics. Mainly because Lindsay's new nightlife-traipsing buddies include Lesbian Wingwoman 2.0, a wanna-be music manager and, of course, Samantha Ronson.

We can't think of a better way to spend our evening than watching these lovely faces parading around town on Lindsay's arm. The NY Post is reporting that Lindsay's new friends, Jeremy Geffen and Courtenay Semel, have her inner circle worried, quoting a source who calls them "leeches." Semel, who you may remember from the reality disaster that was Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, reportedly swings both ways and is fond of calling Lindsay her "roommate." Meanwhile, Geffen is some kind of music manager (not related to David, though) who pals around with The Other Davis A-Hole. But it's the reunion of RonLo that we really want to see on the small screen, especially now that Sam is on board with Lindsay's preference for packaged meat. If only Dina could slip her some of her old party favors and sneak the cameras in commando, then we'd have a reason to tune in.

LOHAN RUNS WITH 'LEECHES' [NY Post]
LINDSAY LOHAN REFUSES TO APPEAR IN HER MUM'S NEW REALITY TV SERIES [Showbiz Spy]

Dina Lohan's Dreadful Dreams Come True Now That 'Living Lohan' Reality Show Gets Picked Up

Molly Friedman — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 13:50:00 PST

We are deeply saddened to report that momager, pimp and our very own white Oprah, Ms. Dina Lohan, has signed with E! to film her long-lusted after reality show. According to the network's official press release, we shall be forced to view Dina's attempts to jumpstart the other ones' (Ali and Cody) careers in showbiz, and they'll tell you why the torturous Living Lohan is necessary:

"This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining."

Frankly, we can't argue with the E! mouthpiece. However, we have our fingers crossed that Dina's show ends up nothing like the mind-fuck Michael Lohan reality show pitch that we have clipped for you.

If watching Mikey sending former Baywatch babes into the arms of perverts, traipsing around cities in a Tyra-like attempt to see what it feels like to be homeless, and beginning the video pitch while standing in front of a glamour shots cloud background is in any way a glimpse into Living Lohan, we may consider canceling our cable. And then scream into the nearest pillow.

DINA LOHAN GETS HER REALITY SHOW [Tabloid Baby]
Michael Lohan plays "homeless" for his reality show [YouTube]