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30 Rock star Alec Baldwin ran into a bit of trouble with airport security at LAX on Monday afternoon. The TSA officer was not one hundred percent sure that he was the person he claimed to be after examining his driver's license. Baldwin explained that he had a weird ID photo and attempted to replicate the facial expression from the driver's license. The TSA employee remained unconvinced and asked if Baldwin could recite his monologue from the 1993 film Malice. Baldwin delivered a stirring rendition of the God complex monologue and quickly cleared the security check point.

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

As SAG begins its 38th day of negotiations with the majors today, the pro-AFTRA forces have added Alec Baldwin and Kevin Spacey to their list of several hundred endorsers, led by Tom Hanks and Sally Field. ...

SAG announced Tuesday it had added high-profile supporters including Jack Nicholson, Ben Stiller, Josh Brolin, Ed Harris, Amy Madigan, Viggo Mortensen, Nick Nolte and Martin Sheen. It's also amped up its PR campaign via print ads.

The SAG-AFTRA brawling also raises the key question of clout. SAG has blasted the notion of the AFTRA deal serving as a template, because AFTRA's last primetime contract generated $40 million for members while SAG's last three-year feature-primetime pact generated $4 billion over the same period. Observers say the argument makes little sense, because SAG has so many more members working in the primetime and film arena.

Elsewhere in the paper, the AMPTP gets the backhanded benefit of the doubt: "Studios could stop haggling over pennies, but that's sort of like telling an insurance company to quit low-balling you. That's just what they do — relying on any sane person to give up first." Which suggests to us there's only one solution — a fun, unscripted, winner-take-all slugfest that would conveniently circumvent any potential work stoppage following AFTRA's ratification vote next month: Ladies and gentlemen, let's play the Feud!

• SAG, AFTRA in Spin Cycle [Variety]
• SAG Misses its 'Norma Rae' Moment [Variety]

"The other 360 days of the year, when you're just handing out lollipops and riding unicorns through cotton-candy forests and everything's so magical, they don't report that."

Baldwin's right. In the wake of budget cuts, major news organizations have dropped their enchanted forest bureaus. His work as the Angelina Jolie of fictional, fairy tale creatures has gone largely unnoticed. But perhaps that's a good thing. Baldwin goes on to discuss his political ambitions, saying of potential skeletons in his closet:

"I would say to people: 'Assume I've done everything. I want you to assume I've had sex with animals.

Could his lollipop dispensing be a cover for something more sinister? Was Baldwin "grooming" the unicorns in a real-life version of his Pervy Camp Counselor sketch on Saturday Night Live? It seems it's only a matter of time before a disgruntled Centaur and Lorax team up for a sordid tell-all.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Alec: All I Want Is To Be Loved [NY Post]

Snyder was caught when authorities audited who was accessing personal and tax information stored on a federal database called the Integrated Data Retrieval Systems, according to the affidavit.

Authorities said Snyder had access to the database, but works almost exclusively with business accounts and had no legitimate reason to review individual taxpayer accounts. ... Snyder, 56, faces up to a year in prison and a $250,000 fine at this time if found guilty of improperly accessing IRS data, a misdemeanor.

Come on, now — if learning the closely guarded truth about how much Vanna makes to laugh at Pat Sajak's jokes and stroke huge letters for a few hours a week doesn't constitute a "legitimate reason" to bump around a tax database, we don't know what does.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

• Did IRS worker snoop? [Cincinnati Enquirer via TaxProf]

• WATCH VIDEO

In today's installment: Alec Baldwin, Miley Cyrus, Seth Rogen, David Spade, Amanda Bynes, Ellen Page, Lawrence Fishburne, Anthony Kiedis, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Mena Suvari, Michael C. Hall, Marilu Henner, Holly Marie Combs, Tempestt Bledsoe, Clea Duvall, Heidi Fleiss and both Rancics, Giuliana and Bill.

APRIL 13
· Just saw Seth Rogen at the Whole Foods at Fairfax and Santa Monica. He was being toted around by his quite attractive yet non-actress brunette girlfriend. She obviously wears the pants so to speak. Seth looked like he normally does; schlubby and definitely not light on his feet.

APRIL 15
· RFD is sort of like shooting vegans in a barrel, but this was too good to pass up. Tuesday, 4/15, there was a near-miss "American Pie" reunion when the kid who played Finch (imdb says, eddie kaye thomas; now appearing on the delightful "til death") left just before Mena Suvari arrived: tramp-stamped, be-wifebeatered, braless. Adjourned to the bathroom for several minutes, came out snuffling and nose-wiping. Hope nobody told her that these days they cut llallo with ground kitten bones.

APRIL 17
· Sid-ibum-Bid-ibum-Do-Me-Til-I'm-Well-Done...Anthony Keidis, looking very tan, well-groomed and happy leaving Blue Plate on Montana with his tall young bride.

APRIL 18
· I went to the 11:10pm screening of Forgetting Sarah Marshall at the Cinerama Dome and who was there but Amanda fucking Bynes! She was wearing black short shorts, gold high heels, and looked a little too young for me to be attracted to her without it being creepy. Amanda seemed to enjoy the movie though, and when she exited the theater she was being followed by an enterprising paparazzo with a video camera.
· GULAGER ALERT! Saw Clu Gulager trying to cross Fountain Ave on Friday, April 18th. Normally I try to hit people that don't use a crosswalk, but the Gulag can walk wherever he damn well pleases.

APRIL 19
· After a few weeks without a celebrity sighting to report, I can happily add not one, but TWO sightings to my favorite Defamer feature! Yesterday (4/19), my friend (who hears 4 times a day that talks just like Juno) and I were at the Hollywood Farmer's Market, when who should walk by but Ellen Page. I saw a lot of greens coming out of her giant reusable bag (could have been lettuce or the tops of carrots). And she wasn't wearing any sunglasses either, unlike Marilu Henner, who was with a hoarde of kids (maybe she was doing a scavenger hunt like Teri Hatcher). Props to Ellen for keeping it real and for helping to save the environment (she says as she goes back to the 90s).
· We saw Alec Baldwin tonight walking by himself through the food court at the Woodland Hills Promenade Mall. He was wearing blue shorts and workout jacket, seemingly oblivious to the crowd around him. He went up to the AMC theater ticket window and seemed to be grilling the cashier about something. We left and came back 10-15 minutes later and he was still there, but this time with another man I didn't recognize. That's the last we saw of him as we headed out to our car.
· Saw Miley Cyrus in the Barnes and Noble at The Grove around 11:15am holding a book called Puddlejumpers and looking at other books in the kids section. She had on giant dark glasses, but nothing else about her was incognito. She went directly to the check-out when a couple of 8-year-olds recognized her. Yeah, a superstar in the kids book section. Wild.

APRIL 20
· Yesterday, while at Swinger's cafe, Michael C. Hall (Dexter / Six Feet Under) and Jennifer Carpenter (Dexter) came to have a post-work out lunch after sweatin' it at Easton's gym across the street. Justin Kirk (Weeds) was also brunchin' it. After my delicious Swinger's lunch I headed over to Target where I saw my favorite funny lady, Ashley Jensen (Extras / Ugly Betty). I really love her! So cute in person too!
· Scariest celeb sighting: Suge Knight was on my flight to Vegas on Saturday afternoon. I guess he's fallen on hard times if he's flying Southwest but his diamonds would say otherwise.
· At the Hollywood Farmers' Market around 11 a.m., Zooey Deschanel was looking very happy (and great looking, without makeup). Her glow might have had something to do with the rave review that the NY Times gave her singing sidebar She and Him.

APRIL 21
· I was at Granville's in Burbank for my buddy's birthday[Happy Birthday Chris!]. We were all hanging out and laughing when someone realized that the girl sitting next to our table was no other than Tempestt Bledsoe a/k/a Vanessa Huxtable. She was having a quiet dinner with a girlfriend. We decided not to bother them but you know The Cosby Show was the show that I associate all these fond memories so my friend and I eventually approached them for a photo [after most of our group had gone home]. Tempestt was very gracious but declined taking a picture because she wasn't in the frame of mind. We accepted that and told her it was a pleasure meeting them. I was a little bit disappointed but my life is complete! I met Vanessa...now if I can met Rudy, life will be just sweet!
· Saw Holly Marie Combs of Charmed fame at Disneyland. Was with son, nanny type, and husband(?) She looked gorgeous, very natural looking without make up, sat on the tram with the rest of us common folk.
· Was at Koi last night, taking the parents (who are visiting from Georgia and were hoping to spot a star) out for dinner. Our party of six, which included my seven-year-old niece, was seated in the table adjacent to David Spade. He was dressed in t-shirt and a huge army green trench and trucker hat, speaking loudly enough to be heard for several tables. If that's not obnoxious enough, he dropped the "F-bomb" several times... fortunately it went right over my niece's head, but we did move her to the other side of the table so she was no longer back-to-back with Potty Mouth. He was with three male friends and kept talking about his career and how "I don't want to spend more than $3,000," presumably on dinner, but who knows. In fairness, he did say "Excuse me," and step aside allow my girlfriend to pass him on her way to the restroom, so maybe he's a gentleman every now and then. The evening left me even further confused about how he landed Heather Locklear, though...

APRIL 23
· Apparently Ventura and Sepulveda is the Beverly and Melrose of C-listers. Two days ago I saw Lawrence
Fishburne at said intersection, dressed in a plaid button down shirt, aviators and ill-fitting jeans. He
was alone and waiting to cross the street towards the Sherman Oaks Galleria. The next day I saw Stephen Root
(thanks IMDb), Mr. I-Believe-You-Have-My-Stapler of Office Space fame, going into the Marmalade Cafe not 1/2 a mile away.
· This one is for all my fellow gay girls out there. Spotted Clea Duvall and Leisha Hailey with two friends at the Tegan and Sara show at The Glass House in Pomona (ew). Two dykons walked right into the heart of a hotbed of lesbians! They were low key and adorable as all hell. Squee-age was kept to a minimum.
· I was having an early dinner (circumstances, not my age) at La Scala in Brentwood (the eggplant is to die for) and who should be in a wall booth facing the entire rest of the surprisingly busy restaurant, she in her giant while sunglasses, he under his giant bowler hat, but Ms. Paris Hilton and true love of the moment Benji Madden. No fanfare, no paparazzi, no idea why they would be having dinner at 5:30 in the afternoon (or perhaps it was lunch?), but drinks and actual food appeared to be consumed in a completely civilized manner, and the parting smile as she brushed against my shoulder on the way out will fuel my pathetic fantasy life for way too long.
· Lo and behold, who comes weaving and stumbling down Hollywood Blvd at 12:45 in the afternoon? None other than former madame Heidi Fleiss. She was decked out in all-white carrying a plastic bag. From a block away, I thought she was a drunk, homeless person. I felt like running to her father's office to demand an intervention.
· As I was pulling up into the parking lot of the Albertons at Hillhurst & Los Feliz at 6:45pm, I immediately noticed a woman exiting the store with huge blonde hair, tiny mini skirt and tight shirt. It's my first Angelyne sighting! Angelyne gets into a pink Corvette with personalized custom tags. Maybe I have low standards, but I thought she actually looked pretty hot for being 100 and I even had my glasses on. However, she must have a pound of make up on. Definitely a G.I.L.F. Oh, another thing. She looked like she didn't want to be bothered but why do you look like that when you are eldery and drive a pink corvette if you are trying to shun attention?

APRIL 24
· Giulianna and Bill Rancic jaywalked in front of my car on La Cienega. Looked like they were heading to Stone Fire Pizza Company. Though I am not sure how G's skinny legs hold her up, they looked cute together, holding hands as they crossed the street.
· Was at the Soup Plantation at the Beverly Connection on Thursday night and saw everyones favorite Goth Labrat, NCIS star Paulie Perrette. She looked really good and had a hairy bearded rocker guy in tow. I gotta learn to play guitar!

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

Here, we present the choices on Us' list which we happen to agree with; these guys either went a teensy bit overboard over the holidays or, in Tom Cruise's case, simply haven't been following L. Ron Hubbard's highly scientific detox plan:

Tom Cruise, then and now:

Clay Aiken, then and now:

Val Kilmer, then and now:

Alec Baldwin, then and now:

But! We happen to find these so-called "chunks" far finer now that they've gone from stick-thin, skinny-jeans-wearing hipster wannabes to, well, the closest they're capable of coming to looking like a Man:

Ryan Gosling, then and now:

Adrien Grenier, then and now:

John Travolta, a controversial decision for sure, but we think Now is preferable if only for the absence of that horrendous hairpiece:

[Photo Credits: Wireimage, Getty, Pacific Coast News, INFPhoto, Retna, Bauer-Griffin]

• FROM HUNK TO CHUNK [Us]

In today's episode: Oprah Winfrey; Carla Gugino and Elizabeth Berkley; Brad Pitt and Zahara; Alec Baldwin; Kiefer Sutherland; Dave Chapelle; Forest Whitaker; Drew Barrymore and Justin Long; Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy; Woody Harrelson; James Spader; Tim Roth; Lisa Kudrow; Rob Schneider; Dylan McDermott; Gil Bellows, Ken Olin, Justin Kirk, and Cameron Crowe; Mischa Barton; Jason Segel; Adam Levine; Emilie de Ravin; Seth Binzer; and Luenell.

· Monday 4th Feb, heading to Runyon Canyon, stopped at the gas station at Sunset & Fairfax for some much needed agua. Dude took my money & then continued his conversation with another customer..."so, looks like your guy is two points ahead". A glance at said customer revealed none other than OPRAH WINFREY! Took me a sec to realize it was her - huge D & G wraparounds, black tracksuit and girlfriend...that is some booty ya got going on. Let's hope the snacks she was perusing were for the 2 white yapping small dogs in the Merc outside. As if that's not enough, descending from said hike, passed two fresh faced beauties talking & walking up the hill. CARLA GUGINO & ELIZABETH BERKLEY. Both cute & skinny...no surprise there.

· I was headed to see "Cloverfield" at The Grove when I heard some commotion behind me. I turned to see Brad Pitt carrying Zahara and being accosted by a tenacious paparazzi photog. The guy was a total pest, but Pitt kept his cool. As he shook the photo-spaz, I heard Pitt reassuring Z. that everything was okay and basically apologizing to her that she had to go through that. I felt bad, but quickly thereafter felt worse for myself that I had to shell out $11.50 to see somebody shoot a home movie of Godzilla.

· Alec Baldwin Friday 2/2 at the Starbucks in Studio City. Contrary to his well-known cellphone-screaming history, though, he was quiet and polite. Waited in line, tipped well and held the door for people on the way in and out. That peacoat and widewale cords weren't doing him any favors, though. He was looking, um, stocky, to say the least.

· Saw Kiefer at Spaceland in Silverlake last night (Jan 31). He went straight for the door despite the huge line, apparently to ask if Castledoor had already played. He was very apologetic about cutting in line to the girls at the front; after he talked to the doorman he went and hung out on the curb with a male friend until someone insisted they come in. He was all smiles, wearing an Iron Workers' Union jacket. Good to see him on the Eastside.

· Jack Bauer likes indie rock?! I was at Spaceland last Thursday night for the final, packed night of buzz band the Airborne Toxic Event's residency there, and who is standing right in front of me but the recently-released Kiefer Sutherland, who arrived early to brave the line. (It was, by the way, the longest line I have ever seen at the Silver Lake club.) He stayed from the beginning of the night all the way through the headlining band's set, singing along with the tunes and telling his friends how much he loved it. Afterwards, he hung around for a bit, taking some pictures with the violin girl from ATE and shooting the shit with the guys from the Deadly Syndrome. Who knew Jack Bauer had such good taste in music?

· Feb 1. - Dave Chapelle keeping it low profile at Swingers on Beverly. He looked a little thin but that might be because I've gotten so fat because of this strike. Come back, Dave, we need you.

January 30 - Forest Whitaker at the gas station on Beverly and Fairfax. Sweet Beamer! I had to hold myself back from telling him how beautiful his wife looked at the SAG awards.

January 27/28 - Drew Barrymore and Justin Long at the Apple Store at the Grove. Giggling as they read the blog 100 Days in Bed. Zexy!

· 2/3, about 5:15 p.m.: It's not every day that you see Oscar nominees-slash-Emmy winners at the local drugstore. Well, it's kinda every day here. But that doesn't make it less cool that, while making a Super Bowl halftime meal run, I ran into Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy at the Rite-Aid on La Brea and Santa Monica. They looked adorably normal with their two cute little daughters, even with Bill's crew cut and mustache - must be for a movie, I hope think.

· Was going to Maha Yoga in Brentwod tonight (Jan 26) and a dude wearing no shoes (just white tube socks?) opened the door for me. It was none other than Woody Harrelson. He asked at the front desk if they had any sandals, but the lady told him they only had women's left. I overheard him chitchatting about his trip to Kentucky to promote some sort of system that turns poop into drinking water. The other two members of the Shirtless Stoned Triumvirate were nowhere to be found; maybe next week.

· Saturday 2/2 at Sushi Ike on Hollywood Blvd I was seated across from James Spader. He looked good in his dark-rimmed glasses and younger than recent pics I've seen. He was with a hot-but-age-appropriate redhead and one of his sons, who looks like Fred Savage circa 1995. No really, a lot like Fred Savage. When he left he bid a large and friendly farewell to the staff and chefs.

· Not sure if this was overreported to you guys or not, but TIM ROTH was all over the Health/Autolux show last Friday at the El Rey (2/1). He was taking photos of the band from all over the sides of the stage, striding confidently out of the side stage door area (presumably for no reason, I'm sure they have bathrooms and booze backstage), and kind of weirding out all the indie rock fans in general. What's that guy from Pulp Fiction doing here? was a question wafting about the area - I also reminded them he was "the bad guy in Rob Roy".

Here's an unconvincing photo I tried to take of him as he snapped away during the Autolux set.

· Was at the 7:05 showing of 27 Dresses at the AMC Century City 15 on Sat night. Lisa Kudrow was sitting next to me with her friend. Both seemed to enjoy the movie, and their small bags of popcorn. No one made of big deal of this

· Saw Rob Schneider in a sloppy red tee shirt having lunch with a buddy at real food daily today. (2/5)

· Weds, January 30 - Dylan McDermott waiting for his car in a strip mall off of Santa Monica Blvd. I assume he'd had lunch at Hamasaku. Was really nice - when the valet accidentally handed my friend's car keys to him, he joked about switching cars!

· The strike-bearded masses convened at the Ryan Adams show on 1/31, including: mustachioed Gil Bellows, paunchy Ken Olin, dreamy Justin Kirk (who hopefully found special appreciation for the pot jokes), frequent attendee Cameron Crowe, and that chick who played "Jane Doe" on Grey's Anatomy (imdb says her name is Elizabeth Reaser). I'm sure there were others, but I was hypnotized by Spacewolf for most of the show.

· Saw Mischa Barton last night (2/4) sucking face with some scrappy dude in a booth at the Rainbow Bar & Grill...

· feb 1, The 'Ho, How I Met Your Mother/Knocked Up's Jason Segel smoking a ciggy in front of Basix. tall and smoking nerd hot, rocking a scarf while waiting for a friend. i'd hold his bong any day, earthquake or not.

· Adam Levine at Katsuya Hollywood last night (2/3/08), pretty trendy sighting at a pretty trendy place. He was with a group of hipster guys and girls, they were there for a few hours and seemed to be enjoying the delicious yellowtail.

· Feb 6 - I saw "Lost" star Emilie de Ravin at the Farmers Market's Monsieur Marcel market the other day. She was buying red wine and no one recognized her. Looks like she's spent her strike downtime eating.

· Jan 5: Seth Binzer in Van Nuys traffic court: He looked like a mohawked butterfly in his bejeweled green hoodie and gilded t shirt. I had randomly caught the first episode of Celebrity Rehab, otherwise I would have thought he was just a regular douche, not a sober celebrity douche. Seth Binzer had some photo copies of rehab completion certificates, and the look on his face was proud. He explained he had missed multiple court dates because he was in "several recovery centers" and I swear he looked about to name drop Dr. Drew. I think the judge had seen the show too, because he was much less condescending to old Shifty Shellshock than he was to the rest of us. After explaining that while going to rehab voluntarily is commendable, it's no excuse for missing court dates, the judge knocked his fines down to about a grand. One can only imagine what they were to begin with. His violations were kind of weird, including driving a vehicle without mirrors. Just when I thought this guy was gonna be the only one of us not publicly put in our place by this just judge, Seth asked for a One-Stop. The judge said, "I've never heard of a One-Stop." Seth said, "Yeah! This guy in line told me that since I was here I could go ahead and take care of this other ticket I got in Sherman Oaks and-" The judge cut him off and said, "No son. That's why you don't listen to jail house lawyers or guys standing in line. You have to take care of all your court appearances individually. You cannot do a One-Stop." I didn't see if the judge used scare quotes or not, but it sounded that way.

After Seth met with the cashier he said to his one man entourage "I got six months to pay this. After six months, I'm gonna reassess." I wish him the best.

· Feb 5 We saw Luenell— the prositute from Borat — dining with girlfriends at Chinois Monday night.

It was Daniel Baldwin! No, just kidding, it was big brother Alec, who is quickly becoming to NBC what Richard Dawson was to ABC in the `70s — a consummate team player who'll show up on any set so long as the craft service table is kickin'. When Alec (who, btw, was Bryll Creamed to the MAX) arrived, he acted like all big brothers do and used the opportunity to get off a few potshots at younger brother Stephen (example, "There's no one more full of crap than Stephen"). But he also proved to be a good sport, too, buying a dozen printer cartridges at $1,000 per pop even though he has no idea how they work or what exactly they do. Which is truly amazing, when you think about it. Does the man not own a home computer and/or printer? Or is he just rich enough to employ his own indentured Geek Squad on the premises? File that one under questions to ask if MTV ever reignites their Cribs franchise.

• The Celebrity Apprentice [NBC]

These people have bigger egos than even the stars themselves, but without any sense of humor.

I want the WGA to set up a website and on that website we can all post stories about every no-talent, idiotic, amoral producer and executive we have ever dealt with. Just like they do to us on shows like Extra and sites like TMZ (owned by Warner Brothers.) Set up a website and tell the entire world, via the internet, your own anecdote about some of the witless boobs you have endured in Hollywood and beyond. The strike will end in a week.

We must say there is something almost mad-scientist brilliant in Baldwin's call to exploit the power of bad-mouthing in order to solve our collective problems: While it's unlikely to prove effective at resolving the strike, sure to only wedge the bitterly divided factions even further apart, the harnessed Scandal Energy produced by even a single, internet-leaked voicemail on the level of a "rude, thoughtless little pig" could one day be enough to power a major metropolitan center's worth of emissions-free vehicles.

• The Buyers' Long Term Plan, and an Idea for the WGA [HuffPo]

"As you are well aware, the epidemic of childhood obesity is worsening day by day, leading to higher risks of diabetes, heart disease and several forms of cancer," the actor wrote Monday in a personal letter to Clinton and each of her fellow senators. "I know that you share my concern about this crucial issue."

"As a parent," Baldwin continued, "I see firsthand the challenges of keeping children focused on healthful foods. These challenges are made all the more difficult by federal policies that keep high-cholesterol, high-sugar foods all too plentiful in schools...

"There has never been a more urgent time to take action."

By positioning himself as a concerned parent, Baldwin might as well have shaved a giant target into his thicket of torso hair: Few of us will ever forget the recorded tirade in which he accused his preteen daughter of being a "rude, thoughtless little pig"—a particularly unfortunate choice of pejorative given the issues at hand. Still, to diminish in any way Baldwin's sincere efforts on behalf of America's overgrowing kids simply because of a few misplaced sentiments spoken in the heat of the straight-to-voicemail moment seems to us counterproductive. To silence his opponents, might we humbly suggest Baldwin revisit the cast of inner-city tenement dwellers he introduced so brilliantly on a recent 30 Rock, allowing Tracy Jordan's warring parents and the irascible neighbor Mrs. Rodriguez to describe for themselves on the floor of the U.S. Senate the dangers of bringing fatty and sugary foods into the nation's school cafeterias.

• Alec Baldwin to Hillary Clinton: Help fight child obesity [NY Daily News]

• 30 Rock

• How the Next President Should Handle Iraq [HuffPo]

• Alec Baldwin returns to CAA [Variety]
• Previously: The Agent Dance Special Alec Baldwin Edition: Actor Leaves CAA [Defamer]

All-Baldwin Friday Morning continues here at Defamer with the above clip of the alienated, shouty dad's highly anticipated appearance on today's episode of The View, a segment so exhaustively previewed in the media that its actual broadcast was doomed to anticlimax. Still, even if we feel we've read every obligatory, publicly contrite word before, our role in any celebrity's televised Redemption Tour is to patiently listen and nod along as if we're hearing it all for the first time, lest crisis managers decide such desperation moves have lost their effectiveness and deprive of us future talk show mea culpas.

BONUS! The LAT exhaustively chronicles Baldwin and Basinger's tumultuous relationship. Don't miss the bit about how the actress used a Luna bar to interfere with her ex-husband's "therapeutic involvement" in their daughter's life.

• The View [ABC.com]
• Baldwin-Basinger: Look back in anger [LAT]

DID Alec Baldwin dump CAA this week because a video posted on FunnyOrDie.com showed Dora the Explorer listening to his infamous phone rant against his daughter, Ireland? The Web site is the creation of Adam McCay [sic], Chris Henchy and fellow CAA client Will Ferrell.

"Baldwin asked CAA to take it off, and they did not," said one source. But others say Baldwin is angry at CAA be cause it still reps ex- wife Kim Basinger. Baldwin's rep, Matthew Hiltzik, told Page Six: "Three-year-olds everywhere are upset that Dora the Explorer and her friends are being dragged into this."

We commend Hiltzik for stopping short of publicly blaming Basinger and her lawyers for leaking the Dora voicemail to Funny Or Die, but the regrettable situation has still been hard on the impressionable young explorer; ever since this ugliness was exposed last Friday, Dora has demonstrated a marked lack of enthusiasm for undertaking any new adventures, preferring to spend her days locked in her bedroom and sobbing to Boots the Monkey and her talking backpack, unable to understand why Mami and Papi have to scream at each other all the time.

• BLAMING DORA [Page Six]
• Previously: The Agent Dance Special Alec Baldwin Edition: Actor Leaves CAA [Defamer]

Alec Baldwin remains an important part of '30 Rock.' We look forward to having him continue his role in the show.

In the spirit of the network's compassionate embrace of its besieged star, we will refrain from trolling YouTube for video of Baldwin's infamous voicemail edited into footage of Tina Fey answering a phone on 30 Rock and linking it here. We will, however, offer these mash-ups involving cute babies, because we find their adorable presence somewhat defuses the tension of a thoroughly unpleasant situation.

• Previously: Alec Baldwin To Say Goodbye To Rosie In Person [Defamer]

We know of only one way to cope with the crippling grief that's overcome us since Rosie O'Donnell's announcement that's she's abandoning the indentation on The View's couch she's so ably filled over the past year: pretending it's not happening by filling up our front page with fresh clips of her moving image. Shortly after breaking the hearts of millions of daytime talkshow viewers, O'Donnell trumpeted a huge get for the show she's leaving behind: Noted angry-voicemail-leaver Alec Baldwin will join the ladies on Friday* for a Celebrity Parenting Summit, during which topics of interest to famous parents, such as "alienation," "media strategies in prolonged child custody hearings," and "barnyard animals to which one should not compare one's daughter, even while under extreme mental duress," will be discussed. This, we suspect, will be the kind of appointment viewing we've come to expect from the O'Donnell-led Golden Age that will soon be coming to a close.

[*Update: The segment was actually taped today—TV magic!—and TMZ has a preview, including the news that an emotional Baldwin says he might want out of 30 Rock, a situation too upsetting for us to even think about.]

• The View [ABC.com]
• Rosie O'Donnell Gives Up The Couch [Defamer]

"This is strictly for personal reasons," said Baldwin's publicist Matthew Hiltzik. "It has absolutely nothing to do with his extremely talented agents who've done great work with Alec."

No further explanation was offered, meaning that's it time for wild, wholly uninformed theories for the move. Could he no longer bear to be repped by the same agency as ex-wife/nemesis Kim Basinger? Did Baldwin suddenly think that his ongoing PR crisis would only be exacerbated by his continuing association with the evil agenting monolith? Did CAA, not realizing that their client's daughter was no longer a tender, delicious baby, offer to "make the problem go away" by eating the 11-year-old, thereby offending the overprotective father? Developing...

[Photo: Getty Images]

• Alec Baldwin leaves CAA [LAT]
• Previously: Basinger Denies Shouty Ex-Husband's Leakage Claims [Defamer]

We turn to CNN.com's cherished Story Highlights box to get us up to speed on exactly where we stand in the public celebrity-parenting clinic currently being offered by Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger: The actress, says her rep, did not release the voicemail (which they'll also have you know was not sealed under a court order, as previously claimed by Baldwin), a strategic denial that clearly sets up embattled daughter Ireland for the eventual fall. (Under the the duress of cross-examination in their next custody hearing, we expect her to crumble and reveal she chose TMZ for the leaks because she loves looking at video of Scarlett Johansson falling down.) To our knowledge, Baldwin has yet to issue a counter-statement detailing the parental alienation he feels as a result of this latest Basinger volley.

BONUS! After the jump, yet another voicemail mash-up, a meme we expect to continue until every last movie and TV clip involving a female and a telephone has been exhausted:

• Basinger: I didn't leak Baldwin phone message [CNN.com]
• Previously: First Inevitable Alec Baldwin Mash-Ups Arrive! [Defamer]

• Alec Baldwin Calls Dora the Explorer [Funny Or Die]

In other developments, Baldwin's taken to his personal website to further explain himself; Kim Basigner's lawyers say that Baldwin's accusations that they're behind the leak are just an attempt to"to shift responsibility to Kim and her lawyers for his issues with Ireland," which itself feels like an attempt to shift attention away from their possible role in this mess; TMZ isn't telling where it got the recording, but it does have a nice gallery of photos of a "protective" Basinger and her daughter doing some shopping in Malibu a week ago.

• Entertainment News [LAT]
• Alec Baldwin explains himself on the Web [Yahoo! News]
• Alec Responds To Your Comments [AlecBaldwin.com]

Following yesterday's leak of that troubling Alec Baldwin voicemail, the world was placed in the uncomfortable position of trying to determine which famous parent is the worse role-model for the impressionable Ireland, the one screaming into the phone, or the one who apparently wants their child custody battle played out in the tabloids. At least one former associate of the onetime couple has now made his choice and gone public with his feelings, bringing his trademark brand of vigilante justice to an already ugly and complicated situation.

• Vicki Vale's a bitch! Alec Baldwin berates his daughter [YouTube]
• Celebrity Custody Battle Fun Time: Alec Baldwin's Leaked Voicemail Tirade [Defamer]

"In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order.

The mother and her lawyer leaked this sealed material in violation of a court order. Although Alec acknowledges that he should have used different language in parenting his child, everyone who knows him privately knows what he has been put through for the past six years."

It's like we're all now in the middle of a really ugly child custody hearing! Fun! If you decide to skip the voicemail but feel like participating in an activity that approximates the unpleasant feelings you'd probably experience by listening, we recommend that you scour YouTube for video of some kindergartners stomping on a wounded duck. That did the trick for us.

• Alec Baldwin's Threatening Message to Daughter [TMZ]
• Alec Baldwin Responds To Voicemail Leak [Access Hollywood]

"I didn't know what to say," Kane said. "And then I asked him if he could send me his autograph. I've never met a star, let alone talked to one on the phone."

[Baldwin's spokesman, Matthew] Hiltzik said the actor would meet the Kane family in Mohave Valley and give them a check, which will be in addition to the $37,000 the Army will give Kane for college. A date for the meeting will be decided next week, he said.

"It's a great example that people of different backgrounds can agree on the importance of supporting our troops."[Hitzik said.]

We hope the selfless gesture will inspire other celebrities to follow in Baldwin's non-partisan, philanthropic footsteps, which will culminate in the grace note of the actor personally presentating Kane with his donation, contained in an envelope upon which he's lightheartedly inscribed: "Resha: Remember—this is for books, not beer bongs! Just kidding...And keep up the good fight, even though I can't and won't support what it is you're fighting for, but can still support you, as evidenced by the sizable check inside! Love, Uncle Alec."

• Alec Baldwin paying for soldier's education [CNN.com]

The $25,000 bench warrant means that if Baldwin is arrested, he will be held in lieu of $25,000 bail, said Farrah Emami, a spokeswoman for the Orange County district attorney's office, in a telephone interview.

Baldwin was scheduled to appear this morning at the Harbor Justice Center in Newport Beach to be arraigned on felony charges of unlawfully taking a vehicle and of receiving stolen property, she said.

The KTLA video on the LAT's story page also informs us that only last week, Baldwin was in court on misdemeanor charges for "possessing a cocaine ingesting device" and "being under the influence." With no further details to go on, we'll assume the device was either a glass pipe, a sterling silver rolled dollar bill, or a beer helmet retrofitted to hold two giant vials of Crack Light delivered by crazy straw directly up the user's nostrils.

• Arrest warrant issued for Baldwin brother [LAT]

In today's episode: Alec Baldwin; Steven Spielberg; Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fischer; Ashton Kutcher; Daniel Craig; Joaquin Phoenix and Amanda Scheer Demme; Jack Osbourne; Jason Bateman; Britney Spears; Jessica Biel; Adam Brody; Nick Stahl; Andrea Anders; Carrie Underwood; Paris and Nicky Hilton, Omarion and Timbaland; Stavros Niarchos; Seth MacFarlane and Mike Henry; Michael Chiklis; Tatum Channing and Marcellas Reynolds; Paul Simon; Melora Hardin; MIichael Rapaport; Heidi Fleiss; Kal Penn; Joe Francis; Ian Ziering; Janice Dickinson and Jai Rodriguez; Lukas Rossi and Kendra Jade.

· i was working out in the downstairs area of the sherman oaks 24 hour fitness the morning of monday jan. 15 . i had noticed an older gray-haired guy on one of the two rowing machines rowing one-handed while on his cellphone. i made my way over to the other rowing machine and noticed right as i sat down that is was alec baldwin. he half smiled and kept on rowing (really poor technique, by the way). he did that for a while and then moved on to a couple of the weight machines. he must not go there very often since he had to ask one of the trainers where one of the ab machines is. and then he goes and makes a comment during his golden globe acceptance speech about just recovering from hernia surgery...

· saw steven spielberg at urban outfitters on the promenade buying a stack of hipster duds 4 his kid. cursing under his breath at the long line.

· Golden Globe watch 2007 the city is so busy due to the invasion of the celebrities. Saw SACHA BARON COHEN (aka Borat) and his adorable fiance ISLA FISCHER (aka the crazy chick from Wedding Crashers) at Joans On Third. They were so cute together, with what seems like a ten foot height difference between them. They came in, looked around and when they couldn't find a table they left. No muss, no fuss they seemed perfectly down to earth and disgustingly affectionate with one another.

· I saw Ashton Kutcher on an elevator in my building yesterday. I guess he has an office in the building or something.

When I walked into the elevator, he immediately covered his face with his hand, thinking that since I might, upon noticing it was him, would start a high-pitched scream saying I love him and want his man-sperm.

Anyway, he was talking to someone else in the elevator about what seemed like pre-planning an episode of Punk'd. He was asking "Where are we going to get them?" and his partner responded by saying that "her parents are from Chicago". So, any Chicago-parent-based actresses/singers, look out for Ashton!

· Weekend of 1/13. Two minus one at Equinox, West Hollywood.

Saturday. Daniel "007" Craig. The dude is cut. Working out hard. Brought in his own trainer. Good move. The trainer was doing everything 00 did. No lollygagging.

Sunday. Kevin Connelly. Came in for the "executive". Enough said.

· Last night (1/15) at Pace in Laurel Canyon. Pretty sure I saw Jack Osbourne walk in with a group of friends. Then later Amanda Demme dining with Joaquin Phoenix.

· Friday, 1/12 at Runyon Canyon, Jason Bateman's dog, a Griffon, tried to hump my friend's dog, a daschund. Both boy dogs. Jason didn't even try to apologize, just kept calling for his dog! He had a hoodie sweatshirt on and trying really hard not to be noticed. He's one of my favorite actors thanks to "Arrested Development" (RIP), so it's really too bad he's so snooty. When your dog tries to hump another dog on Runyan, the unspoken rule is you make eye contact with the owner and say, "Sorry". It's not like he's the only semi-famous actor up there! Still, he's cute, I forgive him.

· Friday 1/12: BRITNEY SPEARS at the Abbey. She was in that semi-private area next to the fireplace with a posse of gays. They were all drinking bottled water and there were Abbey staff surrounding her holding up trays trying to block people's views. Didn't work as she was in plain sight of everyone, but she looked happy and like she was having a good time. No paparazzi outside.

· I went to Tiger Heat last night (1-11), I was leaving the area called Heaven as I heard that Brit was arriving. I had to use the ladies' lounge with quite some urgency (broke the seal), so I only saw her overprocessed head from afar. Why is it that she can lose 20lbs in 20hrs, but I remain a chunky dumpling? She looked so good (everything is relative)!

· 1/14- After many, many semi-celebrity sighings I finally I get the real deal. I was at the Whole Foods in Brentwood and got in the checkout line behind Patrick Dempsey, who was looking very McDreamy! He kept looking around as though he was expecting someone to join him in line but no one appeared. He was buying all healthy food and looking casual cool in a dark navy sweater, jeans, pumas and a great tweed Kangol-like hat. The nickname is well deserved....

· Pre-globes hair extravaganza! I was getting my hairs did, half my color rinsed, when who should I see in the next seat at Bhava Salon getting her balayage-applied, sun-kissed look put together? Jessica Biel, that's who! I have never felt such awe over someone's perfect body, and she seemed (from observation, not conversation) so nice and happy. I really wanted to hear what she was saying, but I didn't.

· I saw Adam Brody eating wtih 2 girls in their early 20s at Canter's at about midnight last night. One of the girls looked like Mischa Barton from the back, but when she turned around, it clearly wasn't her. He and the girls were chatting and laughing with one of the waiters for short time—it looked like the waiter and him knew each other pretty well.

· Sunday late afternoon/early evening — a few folks clearly not on the Golden Globes party circuit...:

Andrea Anders (The Class, Joey) going to Healing Hands for a massage on Larchmont. That place is so reasonable even I can afford it...hope she has a show that makes it to season three and maybe she'll be able to afford Burke Williams?

Nick Stahl looking all gangly and skinny entered M Cafe with a friend only to turn around an