In the clip above, Pappas spends the requisite amount of time necessary to ensure professional snowboarder Jesse was fully prepared to give up snowboarding at the drop of a touque should she ask that of him. Satisfied that he would, he was then presented with his Fantasy Suite All-Access Lift Pass—a mere formality before that evening's marathon session of naked shredding was to begin. But that Jesse—he's a pip! Click play to see what it was he did that instantly drained all the color from Pappas's face, and led her to declare, "Oh no. I don't think you understand how this works, little man. I invite you to the Fantasy Suite—you accept. Re-read the contract if you must. Now I'm going to leave this table, head upstairs, and leave the door unlocked. If you do not slip into the room five minutes later—completely naked and fully prepared to rock my reality-whoring world—then prepare to lose everything you hold dear. Your parents. Your precious 'snowboarding.' Your little sports-agenting fantasy that doesn't have a hope in Hell of coming to pass. Do you understand me? Am I understood? Very well. See you upstairs."

• The Bachelorette

After Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck attempt to assist the clueless singer/actress/professional pouter in promoting her record-breaking new single, Simpson jumps right in by noting that she first heard the song while riding home (from Church!) in Dallas with none other than Tony. Even the show's producers participated in the "Jessica Simpson Is So, So Happy! We Swear!" segment by immediately flashing to a shot of the couple looking just like every high school's Prom King and Queen posing for cheap glamour shots. Thankfully, Hasselbeck's always-impressive skill of insulting guests while disguising the low blow in complimentary clothing came through, as the co-host told Jessica that "country is where you should be." Yes, Elisabeth. If only it were another country, we'd agree with you even more.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

• The Bachelorette [ABC]

Until today we were really pulling for Anne. That skin so porcelain we'd rather eat lunch on it than our own dishes, those big boobs so subtly carried that we barely ever noticed she had big boobs, and her ability to charm any late night host all added up to the exact type of Hollywood starlet we can get on board with. And today's news that she'd finally washed that eurotrash outta her hair added a cherry to an already delicious sundae of a chick. But watching her awkwardly struggle to pick a sentence and go with it after over-enthusiastically waxing perfection on "the divine Miss Kate Hudson!", those normally relaxed shoulders stiffen, those big bewitching eyes rolled ever so slightly, and Hathaway's stripes were shown for the first time.

After attempting to end her rambling by quietly mentioning how much weight she lost for the role and how much skinnier and hotter she was than Kate Hudson based on frequent skirt size comparisons, Hathaway's brain returned from their short-lived vacation, as she churned out a few jokes about straight guys liking big butts. The momentarily shocked View audience resumed their giggling, Whoopi stifled a preachy speech, and chatter as light as air fluttered back through the building. We can almost hear the entire ABC building let loose a collective "Phew!" as the old Anne returned. It's moments like these when we say a little prayer for the ongoing existence of live television and all the unpredictable lapses in good manners that make life worth living.

• THE VIEW [ABC]

"We're trying to resuscitate this franchise from the fucking cellar!"

We kid, we kid. We applaud Ed Norton for his willingness to poke fun at the public and industry perception of him (and also for not caving into the pressure to turn this into an unbearable "I'm Fucking The Hulk" sketch). And while we would've liked to have seen him add a bit of pseudo-intellectual heft to the normally inane talk show publicity circuit, it's worthwhile to note that he did hit the red carpet at the film's premiere and resisted the urge to heckle Liv Tyler when she botched Coldplay's name at the MTV Movie Awards. And while we doubt that the lack of Norton on Letterman made any real dent in Fanboy Nation's appetite to cream their purple jean shorts at the multiplex this weekend, there is one question that remains unanswered that would make for the journalistic score of the first-half of 2008: what does Ed Norton really think of the film?

• Jimmy Kimmel Live! [ABC]

Moments later, there was DeAnna, tearfully castigating the rest of the shirtless and more attractive (and therefore safe) bachelors, explaining that, "[Sniff] Right now I should be the happiest girl in the world, and you're all breaking my heart. [Louder sniff.] K? [High-pitched, squeaky voice:] Y'all feel good about that?" They did not, not one bit, and before long they were falling all over their shirtless selves to make things right again with the whiny woman of their dreams—perhaps because only she understood what it's like to sit back idly as your pre-selected life-mate whores it up with a houseful of reality show contestants. A surprising double bachelorcide was soon to come, with Robert—the man who started it all—icily dispatched, followed by sweet-natured Chicago lawyer Fred, both of whom Pappas felt she couldn't picture "making a life with," i.e. didn't look good enough with their shirts off. [The Bachelorette]

To DeGeneres's credit, she then dispenses with the niceties, and crystallizes what this dick-measuring pageant is really all about: All the bachelors were required to stand in a chorus line, then drop their pants for a package-scrutinizing contest featuring Ellen's own junk-isolating, cling-fit boxers. While it's difficult to make out on the video above, in 46-inch HD (and aided by DVR FreezeBulge™ technology), it became overwhelmingly obvious that Jesse, the wacky professional snowboarder, was master of the half-pipe in more ways that one. He therefore gets the Official Defamer Squeal of Approval; all other takers, including disconcertingly pinheaded frontrunner Jeremy, can now go home.

• The Bachelorette [ABC]

(Not to be confused with the Polar-Bear-Sublot-Disappearing Frozen Hamster Wheel of Death, rumored to be making a cameo next season.) But were that all! For in the last, shattering moments, the identity of casket-dweller Jeremy Bentham teased all year was finally revealed. On GMA this morning, they showed that ending and some spoiler-preventing alternatives, but only Defamer has the complete collection of season finale finales. They were originally slated as bonus material for the Season 4 Blu-Ray set, but you can enjoy them right now.

• Lost
• Good Morning America

• WATCH VIDEO

· ABC orders Border Security, which they'll eventually sexy-up with far more intriguing title, To Catch a Potential Low-Wage Job-Jacking Predator. [Variety]
· Rainn Wilson will co-star in Transformers 2, in a part that will require him to bend over in a crop-top and low-riders to check the transmission of a Camaro, rendering Shia LaBeouf involuntarily tumescent with desire. [THR]

After Denise sternly yet comically puts all those husband-stealing rumors to bed, Whoopi Goldberg opens up her patented can of Whoop Ass and grills the Jessica Rabbit understudy on why she would consider dragging her two young daughters through reality trainwreck hell. But Denise is no sissy, and asks her (twice!) if she'd even seen the show. Whoopi assures her she has with a nervous nod and a "Yes, ma'am," but we're not true believers. If she had, wouldn't she have learned by now that Richards is not the kind of guest you actually throw thinking cap type questions at?

• THE VIEW [ABC]

Well, this time, DeAnna's in charge—so watch out, fellas! Unfortunately, she's a complete drip, and watching 25 desperate men enact their bizarre, species-specific mating dances (everything from duck calls, to karate kicks, to special-needs abs exhibition) isn't nearly as entertaining as watching 25 French-manicured bitches punching each other's wombs in a no-rules battle royale for the trophy husband of their dreams. Still, just as we were ready to pack it in and declare this manhunt a washout, who should saunter along but performance-enhancing-drug- and tribal-tattoo-enthusiast Greg, who, eliminated in the first round, promptly liberated himself from the constraints of that evening's formal dress requirements. Greg, you will be missed. Run free with the ca-yotes, our prince among men.

• The Bachelorette [ABC]

Not only was she His One, she was also the unwitting beneficiary of a new Bachelor contestant contract stipulation that sought to avoid a repeat of last year's gazebo bloodbath, in which no bachelorette (none!) was chosen. As Paragraph 27D clearly states, "The Bachelor MUST choose a bachelorette from the 25 lovely ladies chosen for him. The Bachelor MUST drop to one knee during the Final Rose ceremony. The Bachelor MUST present said Final Rose recipient with a diamond engagement ring (provided by the network). The Bachelor is NOT required to propose marriage at that time, but network reserves right to create the illusion of a proposal via looping, editing, and/or the use of a lookalike or stunt double." By the time the last digital seams are faded in post, the effect is astonishing: We defy you to differentiate between actual love and what you witness in the video above.

• The Bachelor [ABC]

· As for NBC, Saffron Burrows has been cast opposite Christian Slater in My Own Worst Enemy, and Battlestar Galactica EP David Eick is in talks to take over showrunner duties on The Philanthropist, about "a renegade billionaire who uses his wealth, connections and power to help people in need no matter what the risks or costs," a sort of gender-reversed, serialized-drama take on Paris Hilton's life story. [THR]
· CBS ordered the Jerry Bruckheimer-produced Eleventh Hour, The Mentalist (starring Simon Baker) and The Ex-List (about a woman who tries to figure out which or her exes is the one a psychic told her she was meant to marry), as well as sitcoms Worst Week and Project Gary, and John Turteltaub's Harper's Island, a "horror drama." [THR]
· And in movie news, The Hills background player and self-leaked nudie-photo-scandal-victim Audrina Patridge will make her feature straight-to-DVD debut with Into the Blue 2: Even More Into The Blue for MGM Home Entertainment. [THR]

• WATCH VIDEO

· AMC series Breaking Bad, about what happens when Malcolm's father has to start manufacturing and dealing meth just to put food on Lois's table, gets a second-season pickup. [Variety]
· Oscars-host-montage snubbee Whoopi Goldberg will preside over the Tonys, as CBS attempts to break a broadcast world record by earning a Nielsen rating of "true zero," or not a single home viewer. Best of luck to them. [Variety]
· Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel have signed on for 500 Days of Summer, an "an anti-romantic comedy" from Fox Searchlight. We're looking forward to seeing these two get it on. [THR]

"She's a smart one. She saw what [happened with] Jennifer Aniston, who was crazy successful on TV, but can't seem to carry a film, and she tested the waters early."

But Heigl's chances of fleeing the yawnfest that is Grey's and continuing her journey towards becoming "the next Julia Roberts" don't look good:

After only three seasons on then-mega hit Grey's, Heigl did make an early attempt to break out as a "real" actress on the big screen, and whether it was a case of pure luck or actual talent, Knocked Up turned her into a bankable hot commodity overnight. Then came 27 Dresses, which managed to rack up an impressive $23mm its opening weekend, coming in second to the highly anticipated Cloverfield. Interestingly enough, 27 has racked up $76mm to date, trailing the J.J. Abrams shitshow by only $4mm as of May 1st. Next on her plate is a pantsless role in 2009's The Ugly Truth, which co-stars B.O. superstar Gerard Butler. The only hitch regarding Heigl's promising movie career? As a source told MSNBC, "Heigl might be locked into Grey's a bit longer. 'I don't think she'll be able to get out of it.'" But we're talking about a woman capable of curing ADD sans medical license! We're not worried about Heigl's manipulative methods when it comes to getting her way.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• HEIGL LOOKING TO HANG UP HER 'GREY'S' SCRUBS? [MSNBC]

And while it's early to start making such pronouncements, we'll go out on a limb and say that both Lohan and America Ferrera are looking at Emmy nods for a challenging sequence in which Lohan's character attempts to pawn off an eight-ball onto the show's jolie-laid heroine before their warden/field-hockey-coach Miss Bunt can discover it in the pocket of her cokeshorts. And in other Lohan news, the actress will star in Labor Pains, reports Page Six, "about a young woman who pretends to be pregnant to avoid being fired." It should be a cakewalk for the young actress, as she's been known to visit the old "morning sickness" well more than once when rendered too incapacitated to make it to that day's call-times.

• Lindsay Lohan on Ugly Betty — FIRST PICTURES [JustJared]
• LINDSAY IN LABOR [NY Post]

Instead, we were treated to a too-long-overdue reunion with Stacey—the Bachelors in Nutrition-holding embodiment of our wildest drunken-reality-TV-slut fantasies—who came bearing yet another non-virginal sacrificial offering of panties for the man who got away. (They were instantly placed by a stagehand into a biohazard refuse container with a pair a salad tongs. Those too were promptly discarded.) But for your clip-viewing enjoyment, we've included the inevitable (even her own mother called this moment) montage of Amanda, cursed with a rare hiccup condition that transforms the contestant into a knockout version of The Muppets' Beaker whenever nerves get the better of her. Enjoy.

• The Bachelor [ABC]

What the hell happened to his chest hair? As the above diagram clearly demonstrates, Jack has always sported a generous amount of torso fur. But in yesterday's completely gratuitous towel sequence, he possessed not a single sprouting. Bald as a geisha! There's more: Later on in the episode, Juliet is required to shave Jack's belly as he preps for an appendectomy. Related? Not? And why do we never see completely gratuitous sequences of Hurley in the nuthouse wearing only a towel? Has Hurley's body hair been fluctuating, too? The mystery deepens!

[Screengrabs: squarehippies.com, superherofan.net]

• Lost [ABC]

· More 90210 spinoff casting confirmations! (Does anyone care about this? Do we care about this?) Jessica Walter, aka Lucille Bluth, will play Tabitha Mills, the "former Hollywood star grandmother [with] alcohol problem." (OK, now we're fully invested.) Ryan Eggold will play Ryan Matthews, "a cool English lit teacher at West Beverly High whose unorthodox teaching style puts him at odds with his fellow teachers and sometimes too close with his students." [THR]
· With all its hit series back on the air, ABC earned a solid second-place finish to Fox, who've won their 16th consecutive week since Idol's new season began. Stunningly, the fate of the TV universe hinges on a woman so plastered she can't count to two. [Variety]
· Just ten days to go before the non-upfronts, and we still no next-to-nothing about what networks plan to put on the air, save Fox's practically-a-sure-thing pickup of Family Guy spinoff, Cleveland. [THR]

As such, we start this morning with a moment of silence mourning both the garish, glorious decadence of upfronts past and the new cashews-and-punch tradition effective immediately:

"It's a shame, because the end of year thing is important for people as a release, to mark the end of development season," [an] insider said. "But this year, there really wasn't a normal development season, so it wouldn't really be the end of anything." ...

Nets may announce fall lineups but forgo midseason announcements. With fewer cutdowns to show than usual, the network presentations are expected to be short and sweet this year. What's more, most nets have canceled their post-presentation parties (with the exception of Fox).

[ABC] plans on offering advertisers a "no B.S." presentation, laying out its strategy sans stunts and gimmicks. Net has just a handful of scripted pilots that will be done prior to its upfront, which means there won't be as many lengthy clip presentations as in years past.

The no-frills showcase is reportedly an ideal branding opportunity for ABC brass, whose extension of the "No B.S" tagline extends to a 45-minute overhead-projector presentation in the lunch room of its Columbus Avenue headquarters in New York, followed by a meet-and-greet with Sam Champion and tickets to The View. Not to be out- (or under-) done, Moonves will convene his own pitch under an oak tree in Union Square, with Letterman T-shirts and free Mister Softee ice cream for the first 50 advertisers in attendance. Truly, this is the new golden age.

• Days of lavish TV upfronts are gone [Variety]

· Mariah Carey's "E=MC2" sold 463,000 copies in its first week, earning her her sixth #1 album, and us a whole new crop of Stairmaster anthems! [Variety]
· Dancing With the Stars gives ABC a "boost" (translation: still trailing Idol, but a little less pulverized than usual) Tuesday, though let's not forget the contribution of those "two According to Jim episodes as its lead-in." [THR]
· As hopes for a pickup on Cashmere Mafia unravel, showbiz survivor Lucy Liu secures an attractive backup deal in which she'd join the cast of Dirty Sexy Money. [THR]

There, father Lorenzo was able to experience for himself the remarkable, reverse G-force effects of Grant's soul-sucking personality vacuum. The burrito-smuggling Are You Hot? The Search for America's Sexiest People panelist also warned his potential future son-in-law (and by extension, all of America) about Shayne's true intentions, though all doubts were swiftly dispelled the moment she took her suitor's hand and told him, "I am not here for any reason than to be here for you," then leaned in to embrace the pre-selected love of her life, crossed fingers and toes safely hidden from the ever-present cameras.

• The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]

In this case, Judy was asked (probably not so politely) by the production team of Traveling to dye her hair red so audiences in Iowa wouldn't get her character confused with leading lady Jennifer Aniston. As ridiculous as that notion (and request) was, Judy Greer is a trouper and, of course, went for it. And we're here to let Judy know that it could've been worse. Think of it this way ... at least you weren't digitally bazoomed!

• The Late Show With David Letterman [CBS]

· Justin Timberlake, who too is not fucking Chace Crawford, will be hosting the ESPYs, just to keep the rumors at bay. [THR]

But with Stacey gone, we now turn to the second most interesting bottle-blonde prospect: actress Shayne, who in the premiere's most stunning confession, revealed that she has long lived in the shadow of her famous father and grandfather, Lorenzo and Fernando Lamas. So accustomed is this hottie—genetically engineered to withstand even her exacting father's laser-pointed flawbservations—to getting what she wants, she basically refuses to capitulate to the show's central premise of 25 desperate, backstabbing women "eyeing for" the blue ribbon steed of their dreams. In the confrontation above, she admits as much, whereupon Sexiest British Bachelor Ever Matt Grant calmly explains that, sorry lady, those are the rules, get back in line with the rest of the biological-clock-ticking wenches 'til your ovaries start salivating 'round rose-distribution time.

• The Bachelor [ABC]

• WATCH VIDEO

Although Darlene had no television experience to speak of, she managed to get a fully outlined pitch into the hands of Oprah producer Ellen Rakieten in early 2005, who then joined forces with another producer on the show to follow up with Darlene and "ask for more details." But four months later, Oprah's Harpo Production company decided to pass. Lo and behold, over a year later, the big (and sometimes small) O announced her plans to launch an altruism-themed show. Darlene immediately went into action, filing suit and attempting to halt production, but a judge sided with Oprah and her undoubtedly powerful legal guns.

But Darlene isn't finished fighting. She's since filed an appeal, which happens to coincide with Oprah's plans to release a Big Give book, and potential publisher Simon & Schuster is conflicted about putting out a book just as Oprah's team is under legal pressure. But aside from the drama and the details, is there really such a thing as "original" programming these days? Particularly in the daytime/reality show genre? Consider the Dance Doctor, who claimed ABC stole his idea for So You Think You Can Dance, the fashionistas who sued Brothers Weinstein and clueless Heidi Klum over Project Runway. Neither party had a chance up against the big guns at ABC and Bravo, and we fear Darlene is facing an even more daunting battle. Hell, Bill Clinton's been helping the poor kids in Harlem for years just by being there and throwing cash at every cause above 110th Street! Public philanthropy stunts performed by bold-faced names aren't the most unique "ideas" in TV executives' bags of tricks (as much as we secretly wish one of the little guys was finally capable of tripping Miss Winfrey's unstoppable gait). As usual, "developing..."

• HER 'BIG GIVE' SUIT SAYS OPRAH WINFREY IS A BIG TAKER [NYDN]
• ABC SCORES BIG RATINGS WIN WITH OPRAH'S 'BIG GIVE' [HuffPo]

But who are we kidding: Of course they did! In last night's season premiere of The Bachelor: London Calling (a title we're all but certain has the hearty endorsement of all surviving Clash members), Hunkiest British Bachelor Ever Matt Grant was floored by the non-stop parade of beauties, plucked from all 13 colonies and working in every imaginable profession—from administrative assistant to pharmaceutical sales rep to administrative pharmaceutical sales rep assistant. But only one earned our First Impression Rose (lovingly crafted out of pipe cleaners and a coffee filter), and that is contestant Stacey from Chicago. Clearly the result of a network mandate to "add a little I Love New York flavor to the season," Stacey rocketed directly into our hearts the moment she slur-relayed her life's dream of using her "Bachelors in Nutrition...to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." By the time she was passed out face-first, unconsciously humping the bare twin mattress to the rhythm of her own snoring, we knew we had found The One.

• The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]

And wouldn't you know it, their promos for the show are crassly geared to let everyone out there in TV Land know that they should tune in to see whether or not a deaf woman can rumba when she "CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC" (their words, not ours)! Kudos, ABC, kudos. We didn't think you'd dare go there, but of course, you did. [ABC]

· A campaign for Diane Lane dud Untraceable, which allowed Facebook users to pull up "gruesome torture scenes" from the movie about, uh, a Facebook-using serial killer or something, has been pulled by the social networking site. Let's keep it to werewolves and zombies, folks. Maybe a nice Underworld 3 promotion? Thanks. [Variety]
· The Judd Apatow Repertory Players are back for Five-Year Engagement, from the Forgetting Sarah Marshall writer/director-writer/star team of Nick Stoler and Jason Segel. Your circle of friends, meanwhile, have yet to sell anything besides overpriced coffee and crumble pastries to Universal. [Variety]
· ABC wants to breathe new life into canceled Zach Braff launching-pad Scrubs with an order of 18 episodes. An unnamed representative from NBC countered, "No! We killed that! Let it die, you sad little D-girl!" [THR]

[T]here is nary a single genuine giving moment to be found during the opening hour.

It is instead a profoundly hyperkinetic and unwieldy adventure in product placement, in Oprah-as-Messiah hype and, ultimately, in what's so utterly fake and insidious about "reality" television itself. [...]

Shallow as a birdbath, the program would appear to exist less as a true philanthropic exercise than yet another self-aggrandizing vehicle in Oprah's divine quest to become synonymous with all that is virtuous and good on Earth.

We bid the reviewer a fond farewell, who's likely moments away from being snatched from his desk by her army of Ugg-booted flying Harpo monkeys and dropped into the nearest active volcano. THR, meanwhile, will shortly thereafter find itself absorbed into the talk show host's ever-expanding empire, reconfigured into RÖM, the official in-flight magazine of Oprah Airways.

• Oprah's Big Give [THR]

Senior executives at ABC and Fox said that their networks had discreetly gotten the message to Mr. Leno that they were waiting eagerly for the time when they would be able to make official overtures. [...]

Sony Pictures Television has made an approach through intermediaries to let Mr. Leno and his representatives know that as soon as he is allowed to discuss his next move, the studio will make him a rich offer for a syndicated late-night show that would make him the highest-paid host in late-night television, put his name on a new theater on the Sony lot and give him a financial interest in Sony music artists who appear on his show. [...]

NBC executives, including the chief executive of NBC Universal, Jeff Zucker, have reaffirmed their commitment to Mr. O'Brien. And if they did change their minds, they would owe Mr. O'Brien a penalty payment: an estimated $45 million.

Industry watchers suspect Leno will gravitate to whichever offer makes NBC seem like the biggest losers in this botched arrangement. Certainly, Sony's pledge to gift Leno with his very own theater, a yearly contract in the low trillions, plus a direct stake in Justin Timberlake and Beyoncés album sales would be an extremely attractive arrangement for the freakishly bechinned vintage-auto-enthusiast. But don't count out the networks, and particularly the anonymous third-party candidate who sent Jay a mint '52 Jaguar, along with a handwritten note affixed to the windshield reading, "Jay: Enjoy the ride. And remember: We can always shuffle old-man Letterman into the Craig Ferguson slot, and slip you into the one-one-three-oh, big guy! Love, L.M."

• Suitors Are Set to Say to Leno, Long Live King [NY Times]

· Les Moonves's "Suck It, Strikers—We Won!" Tour continues. The future galactic despot told investors yesterday that not only did it not affect CBS's financial bottom line, it actually helped, allowing them to slough off dead-weight development deals "in ways that will allow us to operate more efficiently going forward." [Variety]
· The Fireman's Fund Insurance Co. is offering "strike insurance" to any production currently covered under one of their policies, in anticipation of a possible SAG strike. Said Les Moonves, "We'll pass. A couple absent or dead actors could really push us into the black next quarter!" [Variety]
· Milkshake co-opting victim Paul Dano will star in and executive produce Gigantic, an offbeat romantic comedy from Killer Films. [THR]

When even the relatively safe haven of the Hot Topics table fails to shelter you from the pointed barbs and open-mouthed guffaws of your daytime sisterhood, we can only imagine what life in the schoolyard was like. It's early-life emotional duress such as that which provides the ideal conditions for the seeds of extreme neo-conservatism to sprout, like a cancer, in the farthest recesses of one's deeply damaged super-ego.

• The View