The clip, after the jump:

• Declare Yourself: The Muzzler [YouTube]

Sure, 90210 lead Shenae Grimes might seem to be all smiles these days, but underneath that perma-grin is a world of teenage angst. Bashed by Us Weekly and Penn Badgley for being too thin, the actress has taken to her Myspace blog in an attempt to defend herself. Like a big, juicy meal that will remain uneaten, Grimes prefers not to be picked at, ultimately concluding, "I'm sorry if you dont like it, but this is who I am":

Hey guys!

I didnt think my next blog would be so soon, but I guess it is!

But what im here to blog about is my recent cover of the tabliods and my highly criticized smoking habit.

Now, as you all know now probably, I graced my first major magazine cover, only to be called "too skinny" alongside my co-star Jessica Stroup. I would like to say once again that neither me or Jessica have issues with our weight or bodies. I happened to be very small built, and ive always been skinny. So I personally think that people need to stop criticizing everyone in the media these days about their issues. Im sure you wouldnt like it if someone pointed out all of your flaws and all of your mistakes... but thats what the media does to us. Anyways, im ranting.. so onto my next issue.

Tmz has criticized my smoking habit. I cant say that im proud of it, but there are so many people struggling with the addiction nowadays. I started smoking at about 16, and 1 in 5 teenagers smoke. Im not going to really go into the issue, but my hope is that you will all just stop hating and get on with it. I smoke. My choice. Im sorry if you dont like it, but this is who I am. If you actually would like to read the article, its posted on the TMZ website (I will post a link at the bottom.). Ive read some of the comments, they arrent the most supportive, but im doing the best to ignore them and just move on.

Duly noted, Shenae — though we can't help but feel that your blog would have gone down better with some of Silver's finger puppets and production values. Also, no rebuttal to the gossip about your hot-tempered Canadian attitude? You may be a Degrassi alum, but we'll need some more candor before we can say that this blog really "goes there."

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Shenae Grimes blogs about recent tabloid rumors [ONTD]

Badgley tells PopEater exclusively that he's heard the swirl about the show's skinny starlets, and that he's "never been proponent of the thin L.A. girls." He goes on to tell us that he thinks it's "healthy" that the females on 'Gossip Girl' "aren't bone-thin." He also has solid advice for the '90210' gals: "I hope they eat a double cheeseburger or something."

Penn, you might suffer too if you ate your meals under the withering eye of a grandmother like Lucille Bluth. 90210 is simply reflecting the new reality, where a Midwestern girl landing in Beverly Hills is no longer corn-fed and healthy but emaciated, slightly meth-y, and ready to par-tay! Now, will someone pass us our daily baby carrot?

• Not Just the Plot Is Thin on New '90210' [PopEater]

• Are the skinny starlets of '90210' setting a bad example? [EW]

· Cat Power at the Hollywood Bowl.
· Janet Jackson at the Staples Center.
· Jon Lovitz at the Laugh Factory.

Jennie Garth had her own take on the matter, telling People:

Since you started the new 90210, who did the fans want the father to be?
It’s funny because everyone who was a fan of the original show has an opinion about who Kelly ended up with. I had been so detached from it for so long that I was like, I don’t even know how the show left it off. Had she gone away with Brandon or Dylan? I remember that one time when she said, ‘I choose me,’ which was really great. That was hilarious to me. I’d have to say it’s 50/50–it’s either Brandon or Dylan. Everyone wanted to know who the father was, and you know, I’d say it could be Steve Sanders or it could be Nat from the Peach Pit. You don’t know.

...How do you think the fans will react to the news?
Either way, whether the son was Brandon’s or Dylan’s, the fans will be excited. Because that’s a direct connection with what they want–the original show. And those characters from the original show are seared into those old hardcore fans’ mind, and to have that connection and to have that tie-in, they’re going to love it. And they’re going to analyze everything that little kid does. He has no idea what he’s gotten himself into.

Seriously! Shouldn't that little boy have sideburns out to here by now?

• 90210[The CW]

THERE'S a new bad girl on "90210," and it's not Brenda Walsh, played by Shannen Doherty, who ruled as the show's queen of mean during its first incarnation. Doherty has since cleaned up her tough act, but the new CW show's newbie, Shenae Grimes, who plays Annie Wilson, isn't taking cues from her tamed-down predecessor. Show sources told Page Six that Grimes was "tormenting everyone on set" and "acts rude to the cast, crew and extras." Our insider told us Grimes even once yelled at an unassuming guest star, "Who the hell are you?" and often spits out comments like "This is my show - everyone else is riding my coattails."

Should we expect Shenae's antics to become the subject of a shocking Silver blog exposé, or will all the bad behavior be swept away in a surge of babydaddy-related mystery tonight? We'd advise Grimes to take her cues from onscreen grandmother Lucille Bluth: gratuitous insults can be done right, but only with better lines and a martini glass in hand.

[Photo Credit: Michael Desmond/The CW]

• '90210' GIRL GONE WILD? [NY Post]

Boomp3.com

A reunion of TV teen icons took place at the conclusion of the star-filled Nautica Malibu Triathlon when Saved by The Bell stars Tiffani Thiessen (AKA Kelly Kapowski) ran into Mark-Paul Gosselaar (AKA Zack Morris). As the two caught up on all of each other's exploits, it quickly became apparent that the two looked as if they were transported right back to those magical days at The Max. That is, until Thiessen turned the conversation towards the potential of a Saved By The Bell spin-off. Gosselaar seemed unsure about the idea of a spin off, considering the misfires that were Saved By The Bell: The College Years and Saved By The Bell: The New Class. Thiessen was unrelenting, though, going as far as to use the recent 90210 spin-off as an example of an old show that got a big boost by incorporating some of today's cooler and edgier positions on teen life. Thiessen said, “It would be so much fun. Just imagine the theoretical child of Zack and Kelly raising heck all over Bayside. Meanwhile, Zack would be raising heck in the corporate world or maybe real estate and Kelly is running for vice president or something.”

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

According to tipster "Lezzy McGuire":

I live in Canada. We have a different version of the trailer for next week's episode. Brenda yells at Kelly, "You still love Dylan."

So I'll be like Maury and announce, Dylan you ARE the father of 4-year-old Sammy.

Damning evidence, or will Kelly coolly reply, "Au contraire, Brenda: I still love Steve Sanders, provided that Ian Ziering is available to shoot a three-episode arc during May sweeps"? We're still holding out hope that Brandon Walsh will swoop in (now played by Zach Galifianakis), but with the future of the CW looking awfully shaky, the only thing we know is that somebody had better claim this splash-off, and quick. [The CW]

The father of Kelly’s 4-year-old son Sammy will finally be revealed on Tuesday’s episode of 90210, PEOPLE has learned. And Brenda will be the one spilling the beans!

Brenda (Shannen Doherty) and Kelly (Jennie Garth) will be having a serious conversation about Sammy’s dad when Brenda reveals his name.

In another twist, the show’s executive producer Gabe Sachs told PEOPLE that there’s a “possibility” the baby’s father could appear on a future episode.

Sadly, Doherty will skedaddle soon after delivering the news: she's turned down offered from producers to extend her four-episode stay, though Garth has reportedly signed on for more. No word yet, though, on whether Priestly, Luke Perry, or Ian Ziering have been reapproached to sign on for a babydaddy arc. If they're not available, may we suggest Lucille Bluth as the mystery parent? Sure, it makes no logical sense, but dammit, Jessica Walter needs some more martini-swilling screen time. BluthWatch '08!

[Photo Credit: Michael Diamond/Desmond/The CW]

• 90210 Scoop: The Father of Kelly’s Son to Be Revealed on Next Week’s Episode [People]

8. David Silver - Yes, there was a time when he wanted to get in her pants. But, considering that the semi-incestuous angle was too bold for Cruel Intentions, we think it's definitely too much for the fledgling CW.
7. Colin Robbins - Two words: coke dick. Ain't happening.
6. Nat Bussichio - While we're aware that Madonna famously proclaimed that "Italians Do It Better", Nat's been too busy trying to figure out how to use his capuccino machine to knock Kelly up. Plus, he doesn't seem like the type who would sell out his good buddy Brandon.
5. Noah Hunter - The heir to a massive oil fortune had a good thing going near the end of the original 90210's run, but by this point, he's more likely to be boning Sienna Miller than getting back together with Kelly.

4. Jake Hanson - Tall, dark and handsome, Jake originally pursued the then high school aged Kelly in the series' third show. That said, he's got to be like Larry King's age by now.
3. Brandon Walsh - The two almost walked down the aisle. If we lived in a fictional universe, this would be our #1 choice. But recent comments lead us to believe that Jason Priestley would sooner star in a Unabomber biopic than return to the set of 90210 as an actor.
2. Dylan McKay - "May the bridges I burn lead the way!", he famously proclaimed while riding out of Beverly Hills on a Harley, which leads us to believe that he'd do it again. He seems like just the type who would promise to pull out, only to renege when it counts. But then there's...
1. Steve Sanders - Just look at that kid! Blond, curly ringlets? Check. Big, dumb grin? Check. Oh Steve Sanders, you ole bareback rider, you! If the kid had blue eyes, we'd say it's a lock. Also, don't forget that Ian Ziering was fame hungry enough to appear on Dancing With The Stars, so you just KNOW that he would head back to West Bev in a heartbeat. Give him a five episode arc at $35 - 50K per episode and we'll have ourselves a nostalgia trip that just might keep The CW alive.

• 90210 [The CW]

Among the recent shows that have gone with AFTRA are the CW's 90210 and Reaper; CBS's new sitcom Gary Unmarried; and two shows just picked up to series at ABC: comedy Better Off Ted and hourlong The Unusuals. ABC's recently wrapped drama pilot Prince of Motor City is also AFTRA. ...

If SAG called a strike, even a dual SAG-AFTRA member would be obligated to continue working if under contract to an AFTRA-covered show.

Beyond the short-term strike threat, studio brass say they've generally grown wary of SAG and its recent management turmoil and bitter factional fighting.

The AFTRA alliance is technically more expensive for the producers, who are buying into the Web/video residuals established as part of the new contract; SAG's expired terms still apply until a new deal is ratified. But SAG higher-ups couldn't care less anyway, with one exec noting that 95% of primetime (including anything shot on film) belongs to SAG; that's just what "people are comfortable working with." But really, AFTRA is nothing — wait until these guys face the mounting Craigslist lobby gaining traction at MTV. Now those guys are hungry.

• SAG stalemate aids AFTRA [Variety]

Boomp3.com

After exiting Hollywood's most notorious celebrity motel, the Chateau Marmont, the rising star of 90210 2.0 Shenae Grimes was asked by a group of photographers if she could tone down her smiling just a bit. Grimes felt perplexed by the request and asked why wouldn't they want a photo of her smiling. One photographer said, "We do, but we just want a wide variety of facial reactions. Mad, gassy, sad and so on and so on." Grimes tried her best to look slightly indifferent, but could only achieve a look of mild exasperation.

[Photo Credit: X17]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

A mysterious man wearing a gray blazer offered 90210 star Shannen Doherty a friendly shove outside of the Ed Sullivan theater on Thursday night. This caused Doherty to experience a temporary flashback to her childhood, when her shyness prevented her from adequately conversing with her father's golf buddies. After hiding behind the gray blazered chap for a couple of minutes, the mystery man encouraged Shannen to talk to the people gathered outside instead of bolting directly to her Town Car. "Come on and smile for the nice people," he said. "You're kind of back. Let's not screw it up, okay? And show the nice people that nice dance you learned, too."

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Everybody's' favorite Brenda 2.0, AKA Shenae Grimes, remained all smiles while filming on the set of the hit CW series yesterday. When asked about why she appears to be so happy, Grimes replied, "The show is a hit! I get to work with Gangy! I'm up for the role of Bristol Palin in a Lifetime movie! Why not smile? Everything is coming up Shenae these days!"

[Photo Credit: INF Daily]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Boomp3.com

Baloney McCheesestick seized a golden opportunity on Thursday afternoon to get busy with Gossip Girl star Blake Lively. Baloney's parents knew that one of their child's greatest desires was to hump the leg of one of the actresses from the popular CW series. Baloney's mother said, "Whenever we watch the show, Baloney just goes to town on his little sleep pillow." Baloney's father felt that his son's habit had become disturbing, but is optimistic that Baloney's session with Blake Lively's right boot will cure his problem. Baloney's father said, "He's been there, he's done it and, hopefully, it's over. We can only hope that he doesn't get into the new 90210."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

“[The press thinks] we’re at war over salary with Tori. I didn’t know I was at war with Tori,” Garth told EW.com. “I’m really bummed because I love Tori and I was psyched Tori was going to be on the show. I think she should definitely get paid as much as either of us is getting paid. Her father created the show. It just seems wrong if that’s the case. I don’t know what really happened because I haven’t talked to her. I would like to talk to her.”

Well, why pick up the phone when a couple of online quotes will suffice? Surely, Garth has the number of a costar she acted opposite for ten years — or is she simply mad that Spelling sold off the garage door opener she'd forever had her eye on without even so much as a friendly publicist tip-off?

• Jennie Garth 'bummed' that Tori Spelling won’t appear on '90210' [EW]

Insiders tell me that Tori was hired to reprise her role as fashion boutique owner Donna Martin for just "$10,000-$20,000" per episode. But then Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty were signed for "$35,000-$50,000" a show. When Tori found out her former co-stars were getting paid way more than she was, she got pissed and demanded equal pay.

But the network suits have refused. So now my sources tell me that Tori has pulled out of the series, which premieres with a 2-hour special on September 2nd. "She thought she deserved parity, and she's got a point," an insider explained to me.

That's because, for some bizarre reason, Tori is a reality show ratings hit by Oxygen's low standards. (Last Tuesday's Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood was the most watched telecast in the history of that execrable women's cable channel as 1.4 million viewers saw the episode where Tori gave birth to her 2nd child — which actually took place 5 months ago.)

Yes, the 90210 producers ought to take note: Tori Spelling is Oxygen's biggest draw, narrowly beating out all those highly-rated Shamwow commercials. She might not be worth Shannen and Jennie money, but can't she at least claim parity with a Mark D. Espinosa?

[Photo credit: AP]

• Tori Spelling Furious At '90210' Spinoff For Unequal Pay With Jennie & Shannen [Deadline Hollywood Daily]

· The Make Out Part at the Echo.
· Ticket to Ride at the Madrid Theater.
· Rock Band Contest at Sardo's.

9021-Oh Yes: Jennie Garth was recently photographed filming scenes for the new season, looking appropriately guidance counselor-esque, sporting the latest fashions from the Coldwater Creek catalog. What happened to 1992 when Kelly Taylor was slutting it up at the Beverly Hills Beach Club, betraying her friend, and licking Dylan's sideburns? Sure, it may be an unrealistic portrayal for her character now, but perhaps just a dash of the Collin-adoring, coke-snorting Kelly from 1996 wouldn't hurt.

More details on David Silver and Peach Pit impresario Nat Bussichio after the jump!

9021-Oh My: Fire up those mega-burgers, because Joe E. Tata is back for the pilot – and possibly additional episodes. Will Nat Bussichio's little-seen wife return? Or will be continue down Creepy Street hanging with 30-year-olds and dispensing heavy-handed and inevitably grease-laden advice?

9021-Oh No: Unfortunately, West Beverly's greatest dancer and Color Me Badd stalker, David Silver, will not be returning to the beloved zip code. Besides, Brian Austin Green has bigger fish with down-playing his status as possible Megan Fox Maneating victim. As he told The Insider, "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names." Which, of course, means Notorious BAG will soon be visiting his local tatoo-removal establishment.

• Peach Pit Owner Nat To Star On 90210 Spin-Off [USMagazine.com]

Lindsay Lohan v. Hilary Duff: As silly, catty and pointless as the battle for waste of space Aaron Carter was back in 2003, freckle-faced Lindsay Lohan and healthy Hilary Duff spent years exchanging passive-aggressive jabs aimed at each other via bad songs, magazine interviews, and of course, endless false claims that things were Totally Cool! between the two. The feud was memorably spoofed in this 2004 SNL clip in which Lindsay assures the world there's no truth to her feuds with Duff (as portrayed by Rachel Dratch).

Lauren Conrad v. Kristin Cavallari and Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag: After spending a few shameful years with our eyes glued to the insanely gorgeous cast of MTV's Laguna Beach, the series ended its wildly successful run with a focus on the brewing animosity between good girl LC and bad girl with bigger boobs Kristin Cavallari. Over an irritatingly boring boy, of course. But Lauren Conrad's girl trouble didn't stop there. Along with the rumored cat pee-based tension between Lauren and silicone-enhanced roommate Audrina Patridge on The Hills, the entire point of the show has always circled around her hatred of hip hop star/runaway bride of Frankenstein, Heidi Montag. High-pitched screaming fights both seen on-camera and gossiped about endlessly off-camera, have been reported for what feels like centuries. And yet, and yet...how to look away?

Shannen Doherty v. Entire Beverly Hills: 90210 Cast: Doherty landed the career-changing part of Brenda Walsh in 1990 at the age of 19, and almost as soon as the epic series wrapped its first few episodes, rumors were rampant that her on-screen catty demeanor was not a result of magnificent acting. After just four years, Brenda’s character was shipped off to Paris and replaced by the sexier Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. Why? Long story short, Doherty made a series of bizarre decisions off-camera: trashing hotel rooms, adding two quickie marriages followed by two quickie divorces to her personal resume, giving paparazzi the bird, and most memorably, appearing in uncomfortably unsexy nudie spreads in Playboy.

• DISNEY STAR SELENA GOMEZ: I'M NOT FEUDING WITH MILEY [People]

boomp3.com


Internet sensation Megan Fox was spotted outside of Poquito Mas having a tiff with long time boyfriend and former 90210 star Brian Austin Green. Green thought that Fox was either going to topless or wear something as equally revealing for the photographers that would enviably follow them. Green believed that the exposure of being photographed next to her would be a shot in the arm for his career, even going as far as to say that the producers of the 90210 spin-off may return his calls. Fox said, "I'm sorry that my boobs are more famous than you, but today is a sweats day and you gotta live with that."

[Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin]

· Rob Estes gets work—on 90210, no less!—which should keep the paychecks rolling in until his network gets canceled. [THR]
· Pitch Perfect, comedy based upon the book of the same name about the competitive world of college a cappella groups, will be An Elizabeth Banks Production for Universal. Go Whiffenpoofs! (The only one we can name off hand.) [THR]

Greatest TV show in history Gossip Girl returns (whose conceit of being narrated by a simpering, faceless gossip blogger never gets the least bit annoying) and One Tree Hill (cut it down and count its rings: 100 and counting!) live on, joined by two new dramas: 90210, and The One That Isn't 90210. The spinoff's official cast photo (above) features the sublime Jessica Walter, called upon to put yet another spin on the boozy family matriach. It instantly reminded us of another family portrait, that of the capsized Bluths on the cover of Arrested Development's first season DVD. We can only hope 90210's Gypsy Lohan winds up with a hook for a hand by the end of the first season.

• A wealth of CW debuts: From '90210' to 'Surviving the Filthy Rich' [NY Daily News]

As we previously reported, the first cast member to join the Walsh-esque "Mills" family was 22-year old Dustin Milligan, who'll play the Dylan-y role of too-cool-for-the-cool-crowd Ethan. Which is fine, if not exciting, because he's cute and shaggy-haired and Canadian. Priestley was Canadian, so here's hoping. And last week, we learned that uber-fox AnnaLynne McCord of Nip/Tuck signed on to play Naomi, who's (surprise) "hot and rich." We're guessing she's an updated Kelly Taylor.

But before we get to Duff, it must be repeated that none other than Pregnant Belly Model Tori Spelling has repeatedly expressed interest in returning to the one show that, well, anyone remembers her being in. Unfortunately for the knocked-up inn keeper, producers have instead decided to go with Jennie Garth, who's rumored to reprise her original character, having morphed from a potential model to a...high school fashion teacher? What a success story. And finally, news that Hilary Duff will possibly star in the series as an emo-loving theater chick who just can't help being "cute as a button." Now if only Joe E. Tata (aka The Pit's "Nat") could pop in as some kind of elderly homeless dude who spends his time on Sunset dishing out prophecies and tales of the "good old times" to the new West Bev kids, we're officially booking this show into our regular Tivo schedule stat.

• EXCLUSIVE! HILARY DUFF TO STAR IN NEW '90210'? [E! News]

· Tabitha Mills: "A 60-something actress/alchoholic who was a major star in the 1970s and had been linked to everyone from Warren Beatty to Jack Nicholson." Notes: Everyone from Warren Beatty to Jack Nicholson? That's sort of the disco-era starlet-banging equivalent of saying "she's danced to everything from 'Le Freak' to 'Good Times.'" Still, that her back story leaves the door cracked open for even a passing cameo by Bob Evans strikes us as nothing but a good sign. Obvious inspiration: Candy Spelling, that slut! Casting suggestion: Victoria Principal.
· Harrison "Harry" Mills: Tabitha's son, "a 1980s graduate of Beverly Hills High, decides to move back home to the 90210 after years in St. Louis." Notes: Don't for a moment think the adults of this version will be the watered-down and ineffectual characters of the original, shuffled off to the sidelines to deliver platitude-ridden dialogue as meaningless as the slide-trombone grownup-speak of Charlie Brown cartoons. Sandy Cohen has changed the cool-parent character paradigm forever. Obvious inspiration: Jim Walsh. Casting suggestion: Scott Baio!
· Celia Mills: Harry's wife, "an Olympic athlete who's looking forward to living in Cali, and ends up working as a personal trainer." Notes: MILF alert. Obvious inspiration: Demi Moore. Casting suggestion: Carla Gugino.
· Annie Mills: Their 16-year-old daughter, "an emo/theater kid who's desperate to fit in with the cool crowd." Notes: All references to Drama Club will be excised from the final pilot script, replaced with something far more quirkily cool, like knowledge of the insect universe or ability to play Klezmer accordian. Obvious inspiration: Juno minus the need to be loved. Casting suggestion: Jamie Lynn Spears.
· Dylan Mills: Annie's adopted 16-year-old brother "a supersmart bad boy who has lingering social and behavioral issues — and not an ounce of nerdiness in him...producers are open to actors of all ethnicities for the Dixon role." Notes: A calculated stab at dewhitenening the '210 template throws the ethnicity of the show's pivotal bad boy—the hyperhormonal and unapologetically recalcitrant spike to which the rest of the series is tethered—up in the air. Obvious inspiration: Dylan McKay, 50 Cent. Casting suggestion: Bow Wow.

[Photo Credit: Exposay.com, Upside Down Dog and ViewImages]

Among the most deserving members of the group are, in no particular order:

Jim Halpert on The Office: because laughter is everything. Plus, he's tall.
Ned on Pushing Daisies: Tall, too! And he makes pies. While wearing an apron. With perfect hair and dreamy eyes and that tall, lean frame...let's just say we'd forgive him if he accidentally killed us.
Amanda Tanen on Ugly Betty: If we swung that way, this would be our girl (free clothes!), and from our imagined male point of view, well, same thing: free suits!
Michael and George Michael Bluth from Arrested Development: Best. Threesome. Fantasy. Ever. And afterwards, Michael Cera might bake you cookies, while Jason Bateman played you his favorite records!
Lindsay Weir from Freaks and Geeks: Sure, not Swimsuit Issue-worthy (at least back then, but these days in ER, yum), but in a way, Lindsay was the original Juno MacGuff.

And the incomprehensibles:

Jack Bauer from 24: While we genuflect thrice daily to a poster of the real-life Kiefer, we are going to have to strongly oppose the choice of Jack Bauer. Are we the only ones who happened to catch the fact that his wife was tortured, raped and killed? Yeah, dreamboat for sure.
Jack Shephard from Lost: Yes, Matthew Fox is a fox, there is no doubt. And yes, he's a doctor, and sure, he may have saved, oh, a trillion or so lives. But he's got daddy issues, and we're not into being bossed around, even if it means saving the world (or whatever the fuck they're trying to save this season).
Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills: 90210: Again, hot. But as much as Brenda Walsh infuriated us with her teeth and her moody/wannabe actress/princess-y tendencies, we'd have dumped the too-cool-for-school druggie just on the basis of Squint Addiction.
Summer Roberts from The OC: We've been known to act a little high-maintenance from time to time, but this Cali girl took the term to new heights of offensiveness. Plus, she kinda strikes us as one of those high-school girls who'd pretty much just lay there and blab on her cell while you're pumping away.
Bree Van De Camp from Desperate Housewives: Seriously? Of all the (admittedly impossible-to-choose-from) old frumps on this old frump of a show, EW readers want the shrill ice queen in their sack? Thin lips + bony legs = thanks but no thanks.

And finally, the most crucial void on the list, the most adorable, dateable, loveable visage ever to cross our screens, was inexcusably uninvited to join the list of Effables: Bret from Flight of the Conchords. We don't know about you, but every episode has been permanently saved on our DVR and played repeatedly, from noon to night, to the dismay of our roommate. We'll let you tell us who the EW readers scathingly excluded from the list in the comments!

• READER PICKS: TV CHARACTERS YOU'D DATE [EW]

[Remember: If you want us to send someone to your next event and take some pictures in exchange for access to your open bar, let us know.]

Neither the Peach Pit After Dark nor Shooters ever saw dance moves this hot, even in David Silver's prime.

As everyone who has ever walked within 25 feet of a supermarket checkout magazine rack knows by now, Donna Martin is no longer a virgin.

The ladies of the Lingerie Bowl spent much of the evening politely turning down Ian Ziering's invitations for a ride in his bitchin' Corvette (license plate: I8A4RE).

Grant "Jake Hanson" Show proudly displays the bag containing his appearance fee, remitted entirely in small, unmarked bills. Organizers threw in a coupon to The Palm and some scented massage oils, just because.

Unlike many people who've worked for Paramount over the last year, Mike Hanke, Rob Campbell, and Dave Berman are all still employed.

A pregnant Tori Spelling exclusively revealed to us that she plans on naming her baby "Shannen Doherty Is A Total Bitch" if it's a girl. If it's a boy: "My Mother Is A Total BItch." Seems she can really hold a grudge. Also pictured: that dude she married and knocked her up or whatever.

We've already burned our "Ian Ziering tried to get some chicks to ride in his bitchin' Corvette" joke, so we'll just move along without further commentary. (We're also still a little pissed he ruined his relations with Celeste. She was a keeper.)

Trent "Pink is the New Blog" Vanegas will later type the words "Me & My BFF!" onto this photo in huge, fuchsia letters.

Why was Kristen "Veronica Mars" Bell at the event? The next season of her show is dedicated to unraveling the mystery of how Andrew Shue was ever given an acting job.

Brian Austin Green's security detail doesn't look very intimidating, but are trained to strike with deadly force should Luke Perry enter his safety perimeter.

"You fucked up everything, Ari! Not only is this not a DVD release party for the first season of 'Booker,' no one here has any interest in a Richard Grieco impersonator in a cowboy hat for their next event."

We couldn't be happier that Doug Savant's career has taken him from being The Gay Neighbor to The One Who's Married To Felicity Huffman On The Crazy Housewives Show. He was always the classiest one at Melrose Place.

Was Daphne Zuniga's "Jo" character on 'Melrose' secretly a lesbian, or do we have her mixed up with the one from 'Facts of Life'? Anyway, she'll always be Druish princess Vespa to us.

• Defamer PartyWatch [Defamer]