Along this journey through Satan's lower colon, you'll spot some recognizable faces— Blair Underwood, Christian Slater, McDreamy, Ricki Lake, Chad Lowe, and Corey Feldman, whose bedroom walls we can only imagine were covered in "Bad" posters at the time. You'll also spot some lesser-knowns: Keith "Adventures in Babysitting" Coogan, Melora "Jan from The Office" Hardin, Carrie "Carol Burnett's deceased daughter" Hamilton, plus an elegant pas de deux featuring Tracy "Ricky's daughter/Seinfeld's twin" Nelson and someone by the name of D.A. Pauley. Have we sold this yet? Did we mention Feldman gets a dance solo at the 4:45 mark? Enjoy.

• Wow, the Stars of the Future from the 1988 Oscars All Ending up Sucking… [hollywood-newsroom.com]

Mortensen adores Good, which ThinkFilm plans to release by year's end. But the film is directed by Brazilian director Vicente Amorim, who is not in the Academy directors' club.

Mortensen's third fall pic, John Hillcoat's film version of Cormac McCarthy's post-apocalyptic novel The Road, wasn't ready for the film fests. The 2929 Entertainment pic is set for release November 26 by Dimension/MGM, which suggests that despite its literary pedigree (and the Oscar Best Picture win for No Country for Old Men, based on McCarthy's book), the film may not be on Harvey Weinstein's Oscar must-push list.

Nevertheless, Hillcoat's follow-up to his bleak, brilliant Aussie Western The Proposition got a once-over in New York Magazine's fall preview issue, with Hillcoat indirectly slagging the likes of Cloverfield ("We wanted something more resonant than, you know, the Statue of Liberty cut in half") while keeping mum on Viggo's performance as a father dragging his son through the ashy aftermath of apocalypse. Until we can judge for ourselves, we have the stills above to turn us on/off. Correct us if we're wrong, but like another pivotal dramaturgical maxim of our era, no one we know ever won an Oscar after going "Full Shopping Cart."

• Awards Season Watch: Mortensen Trifecta [Thompson on Hollywood]
• Dossier: John Hillcoat [NYM]

Seriously — $400 million in two weeks. But as we note after the jump, that last hurdle might be taller than it looks.

Observers attribute the record haul-to-date in part to the same repeat viewers who bumped Titanic to No. 1; turnouts among "older moviegoers, families, Latino and African American audiences" are higher than normal as well. And last weekend, anyhow, The Dark Knight enjoyed the advantage of weak competition. Those days are over, though, with the execrable Mummy 3 nevertheless looking at a $50 million opening this Friday and Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder set to usurp their own cuts of DK's marketshare in the weeks to come. By comparison, Titanic had 15 weeks at number one — most in the late-winter studio dumping grounds of early 1998, as Horn points out, and aided heavily by its inexorable march to Oscar glory.

Similar factors could dovetail in unique ways for The Dark Knight, though, as its proximity to both the fertile July market and this fall's more prestigious film crop means Warner can revive its Terry Gilliam-endorsed Oscar chatter just in time to stretch DK's long tail into awards season. Call it Phase 2, even if Warners distribution boss Dan Fellman takes the high road with Horn: "We are honored to be considered in that company. But I think Titanic will hold that record for eternity."

Don't sell yourself short, Dan! Or, more importantly, don't underestimate a James Cameron sabotage campaign — we're already seeing evidence of a conspiracy online. That's when you know you're a phenomenon.

• 'The Dark Knight' enters 'Titanic' territory [LAT]

We were actually kind of stunned to read that Ruby Dee, an Oscar nominee this year for American Gangster, was not yet a member; other invited actors include Josh Brolin, Allison Janney and Ray Winstone. Directors Gore Verbinski, Kimberly Peirce and Walter Salles received nods alongside '07 Oscar screenwriting alums Tamara Jenkins (The Savages) and Nancy Oliver (Lars and the Real Girl). Variety notes that the invitations are merely that, and that official inductions for those who accept (most do, though some decline, forget to reply in time or, on rare occasions, accidentally throw the letter out with the Crate and Barrel catalog) will follow upon acceptance.

Congratulations to the invitees, and may the traditional Bruce Vilanch Inductee Roast be painless for all!

• AMPAS invites 105 to join its ranks [Variety]

The outcry over Best Foreign-Language Film nominees appears to have subsided for the time being, however, with the honorary 4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days Rule apparently ceding more control to the category's Executive Committee:

The foreign language film nominations have long been a point of major contention among cineastes, as many of the most lauded titles from the annual film festival circuit are overlooked at Oscar nomination-time in favor of less challenging, more easygoing fare. ...

The new rules will allow the 20-member Foreign Language Film Award Executive Committee to determine three of the nine films on the shortlist. The other six titles will be determined by the voting of the "Phase 1 committee," any voting member who views a minimum number of eligible films. The executive committee will make their selections after the Phase 1 committee's voting has been tallied, presumably to avoid leaving out certain titles.

Alas, the Academy still has yet to develop a method to account for taste in the vote for the Final Five. Wake us up when Nuri Bilge Ceylan or Apichatpong Weerasethakul win something, will you?

• Oscar alters song, foreign film rules [The Envelope]

Complicating matters further, the new schedule makes for one of the fastest turnarounds in Oscar history: Gil Cates, Bruce Vilanch and godforsaken company have a mere month to put together the Feb. 22 awardscast — the earliest ever, we're told. Considering how this year's will-they-or-won't-they cancellation patter doomed Cates' handiwork from the start, we hope Academy president Sid Ganis will again consider going head-to-head with the inauguration. Every extra day counts (especially for studio campaigns), and even the president-elect will probably be impatient to find out if this might be Kate Winslet's year for Revolutionary Road and/or The Reader. The Oscars are the real American politics, aren't they?

• Inauguration Day uproots Oscar noms [THR]

Al Pacino over Denzel? When Al doesn't win for Godfather I, Godfather II, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon — they fucked him over at least five times, I know. Then he does Scent of a Woman. Denzel [nominated that year for Malcolm X] already won for Glory: "He's young, he'll be back, he'll be all right. We fucked over Al, we'll give it to him." [Whispering] "Denzel, we'll hook you up, we got you." Training Day! He wins for Training Day. So we don't get it for Malcolm X. It's like the makeup call in basketball. It messes everything up. ...

If you don't get it when you should, it messes everything up. The problem is, you don't get it when you need to get it. And when you get the makeup call, then you're fucking somebody else over and it just keeps going on and on and on. Now I love Marty [Scorsese] — does he think Departed was the best film? Hell, no, he knows that, but would he give it back? Hell, no!

Of course, there are alternatives to Lee's Makeup Rule: the Crash Rule of Hollywood's Conscience Elite concluding Oscar night with its long-rehearsed, autoerotic grand finale; the Three Six Mafia Rule of being the best alternative in a shitty year... We'd love to hear your own rules below. That said, Lee is a Makeup-Rule candidate all the way, positioning himself for that day 10 years from now when his risky collaboration with Diablo Cody, Mo' Batter Blues, results in his best work since 25th Hour.

• Spike Lee on Why He'll Win an Oscar in 2025 [Vulture]

After the protracted 2007 awards season that imploded so spectacularly for ABC and mainstream Hollywood overall, we were kind of praying for at least a bit of a layoff before the strategizing likes of Universal, Fox and Paramount jumped on their trade organ to prepare us for Frost/Nixon, Baz Lurhman's Australia (pictured above), David Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and even the Greg Kinnear drama Flash of Genius — which, despite being "based on the real-life story of the Detroit engineer who claimed the auto industry stole his idea for the intermittent windshield wiper," doesn't have us licking the glass on the multiplex door in anticipation.

We're still just as curious as anyone as to whether or not the Coen Brothers can repeat with the George Clooney/Brad Pitt comedy Burn After Reading, but at least let us get through a busy April 1 before forcing us to unpack our Oscar-season hype filters. We're still digging through the Diablo Cody wreckage, for Christ's sake.

• 2008 awards season shaping up [Variety]

• You Rock My Life Marion [LAist]

• elflady.com via ONTD
• New Idea

"I cannot remember that last time that Cindy Adams got anything right. She's an idiot, and you can quote me."

Well, not many people will argue that Adams is a little batty, having devoted much of her later years to designing doggywear at Macy's for her one true love, a teensy weensy toy named Jazzy, but to Adams' credit, she was the very first gossip to break the news of the Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey demise. Plus, she's been around the block writing for the Post since 1981. But despite the likely truthiness to Adams' claims, we're still new fans of longtime PMK publicist Olim, who, liar or not, dared to call one of the most influential columnists in the entertainment biz "an idiot." We like lady publicists with balls like that.

• KIDMAN'S PUBLICIST BLASTS ALCOHOL REPORT [SF Gate]
• OSCAR WHISPERED RIGHT INTO MY EAR [Cindy Adams]

As Letterman's clip gruesomely shows, Rinna not only goofed by congratulating Adams on her Oscar nomination this year (c'mon, even our aunt in Sacramento with no cable knows who was nominated!), but also had no recollection of Amy's nom two years ago for her role in Junebug. Which delightfully reminds us of one of our favorite Defamer clips so far this year, in which Rinna and her shoved-together silicone enhancements cackled along with Casey Affleck on the SAGs carpet. From asking him a very important question regarding what kind of gum he was chewing, to forming her "questions" in the style of "So, I just watched two of your movies, which one do ya think I watched first?", we're left with a teary revolutionary need to form a petition to get Joan back on the air, stat.

• THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN [Official Site]

No Country for Old Men was a great film. I'm not trying to say it was anything but spectacular. But I'm going to fucking take the Coen Brothers to task on something. Ready? WHY THE FUCK IS THERE JACK LINK'S BEEF JERKY SO PROMINENTLY PLACED IN SUCH A PIVOTAL SCENE?"

Aside from it being so fucking distracting, it's also a completely unnecessary anachronism. I hope it's just some attempt at sneaky product placement that they were forced into as a means of paying for the film. Otherwise, guess what. GIVE BACK THE FUCKING OSCARS. HAND THEM TO P.T. ANDERSON. YOU TOO, RUDIN. UNACCEPTABLE OVERSIGHT."

• I Eat Your Jack Link's, I Eat Them Up [I Know What It Is]

Us quotes a source as saying Aniston considered the evening "the perfect chance [for closure.] She said the stress of having to avoid them was more painful than seeing them." Which is admittedly far more mature than our usual avoid-exes-at-all-costs method. So there was Jen, beaming and ready for Angie's promised make-up, knowing fully well that her enormous belly had made a jaw-dropping cameo at the Independent Spirit Awards, but the future mother of seven couldn't show her face. That's "power"? Sounds more like cowardice to us.

• HOW ANGELINA JOLIE KEEPS THE POWER OVER JENNIFER ANISTON [Us]

• Alan Pergament: Ch. 7 error enlivens Oscars [buffalonews.com]
• WKBW Statement
• OSCAR OOPS [YouTube]

Among Joan's finest gems from this podcast:
- "I forgive Katherine Heigl for being so boring on Grey's Anatomy."
- "Johnny Depp is 4'3"."
- Daniel Day Lewis's wife Rebecca Miller looks like she was "gift-wrapped at Macy's."
- "I thought we'd see Hannah's Montana."
- Jessica Alba was "dressed like Barney."
- Nicole Kidman has had so much botox (ahem, Joan?) that she's "hired a young Guatemalan woman to smile for her."
- Viggo Mortensen looks like a "homeless man who walked in by mistake."
- Ellen Page: "Unlike her character in Juno, she ain't gonna score tonight."
- John Travolta "is a chia pet."

And finally, she reserved her harshest criticism for Oscar winner Diablo Cody: "[she] looks like a walking ad for a battered women's shelter."

• JOAN & MELISSA RIVERS' OSCAR 2008 RED CARPET RUNDOWN [Stylelist.com]

swank looked great, i bet that was Versace, she looke dgirly for the fiorst time in forever- im sad for PTA i love teh Coens but PTA well tehy shouldve let him release all 6 hours of There Will Be Blood cos thats what i bet there is of it, Kidman as anyone knows and me are not bffs by any stretch, and i though te edgy thing was cool but for some reason not onher- and her forehead is way too shiny it flips me out- iwas REALLY isnpired Diablo Cody won - that was fucking AWESOME in fact i think i just may have peed all over her My Space-

i was supposed to be at Eltons Party at i think noon or something and if we dont hiurry it will suck- i really dont want to get there ina crush of shit and stuff- wait my pr is outside im calling her hold on- okay i hope the disaster has been averted but m,y expirience with that party is that i do NOT want to see Paris dancing ona table i really really DONT and i dont want to stuff a stale slamon canape in my mouth and i really need to get laid so i m off to do so.

By way of summary:

Swank: Girly
Kidman: Shiny
Anderson: Sorry
Cody: Worthy
Elton: Party
PR Girl: Handy
Hilton: Skanky
Love: Horny

• Courtney Love's MySpace Blog

"It's finally over...I just need a cigarette."

But her frustration didn't start with the nicotine cravings. After said carpet walk, in which her red dress took the spotlight despite her heavily pancaked makeup job and older person `do, Heigl dashed to the bathroom only to find it occupied. Her complaint to Momager Heigl? "Great. One more thing I have to be nervous about." Yes, Katie, having to wait nearly five minutes for a potty break and being given the opportunity to present an Oscar certainly warrant diva behavior bordering on Mariah Carey nervous breakdowns. Poor, poor thing.

• OSCAR MOMENTS YOU DIDN'T SEE ON TV [NY Daily News]
• BACKSTAGE AT THE OSCARS [The Envelope]

• WATCH VIDEO

• Diablo Cody's MySpace Blog

· Only gently touching on the political humor that is his stock in trade, he did manage to later score with several amusing ad-libs. "That guy is so arrogant!" he complained about modest "Once" composer Glen Hansard. He did come perilously close to "Uma . . . Oprah" territory, however, with such bits as his tally of the pregnant stars in attendance. [THR]
· "It was a night for all the seams to show, and Stewart threaded them deftly. Stewart may be a Comedy Central 'niche' performer, but making Oscar-caliber movies has itself become a niche industry, and Hollywood is at odds with itself over new technology - reflected in the give-and-take between the content Stewart generated and the rest of the show." [baltimoresun.com]
· "Mr. Stewart used his second chance to play host at the Oscars as a do-over, trying to win back the audience he irritated his first time out, in 2006. The star of Comedy Central's "Daily Show" had a few amusing lines but clearly didn't have time to put together a polished and cogent monologue. A Yom Kippur joke about the film "Atonement" fell flat, as did his mockery of Dennis Hopper — not so much unkind as passé: not many viewers remember Mr. Hopper's psychedelic years." [NY Times]
· "He had emerged on stage from under a giant lavatory paper tube. His unflashy dinner suit and proper bow tie (long black ties were the trend) declared that he was not going to try too hard to please. As the host of America's satirical Daily Show, he was certainly not going to let the studios forget their writers' grievances." [The Guardian]
· "Like many non-Hollywood hosts, Stewart does come across as a little aloof and apart, which is a risk. Still, if he lacks a natural rapport with the crowd, he does seem to recognize that his role is to keep them happy — to tease gently, without drawing blood — and to stay fast on his feet." [USA Today]
· "Two years ago, Stewart had struggled on his debut, with sketches falling flat and a number of lines bombing. But this time he was sparkling." [BBC]
· "Stewart, back for a second turn as host, was vastly improved from his 2006 appearance. He proved equal to the challenge posed by Oscarcast's quick turnaround. His crash-deadline material worked. And even when it didn't, he was genial, relaxed, and seemed utterly at home. His manner suggested that, before the show even started, the hard part was over: settling the strike." [CP]
· "On the bright side, host Jon Stewart pulled off an enjoyable 10-minute monologue (and that despite the writers' strike cutting into his preparation time). The best lines concerned politics. About the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama race, Stewart quipped, 'Normally when you see a black man or a woman president, an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.' The black members of the audience seemed to enjoy that joke a lot." [orlandosentinel.com]
· "Stewart also earned his keep by maintaining a playful, irreverent tone throughout the night, whether it was jesting about Cate Blanchett's versatility or watching "Lawrence of Arabia" on an iPhone screen. Should he welcome the headaches associated with the gig, it's hard to think of a current comedic talent better suited to such a thankless task." [Variety]

• The View

After the subdued night in the Eastman Room, the ball delivered a frenetic, classy-as-Hollywood-can-be excitement. The music was by the charming Pink Martini. The food was an excellent steak by Hollywood's royal chef, Wolfgang Puck. [...]

Michael Clayton himself, George Clooney, soon drops over and shouts to the group: "You know what this is!? This is the losers table! Look at me! You know what I am? I am a loo-ser! All night long everyone who comes up me makes this face," he says, mimicking the hangdog expression he's been getting. The table laughs, and whatever the group might be feeling inside, it appears in fine and cheery spirits to its dinner guest.

The joke, of course, is that Clooney, despite having failed to come away with another Swardstrom statuette, is as far as from a "loo-ser" as one can possibly conceive. Besides having single-handedly restored Old Glamour to a Hollywood that has all but lost its way—to say nothing of being Mr. August in the U.N.'s 2008 12 Hunks With Heart Calendar—George is also the man who managed to locate the source of that infernal beeping at Joel Stein's house. No, Mr. Clooney: You, sir, are no loo-ser. You sir, are a King Among Nominees.

• Kudos Crasher: Oscars 2008 [LAT]
• And the chocolate Oscar goes to... [venturacountystar.com]

So! As we said, we have learned that Cody's stylist approached Weitzman's people first. After agreeing to a meeting, Cody, the stylist and Weitzman's team sat down several times to discuss the Leopard Skinned Lady's design requests for this year's shoe. Only problem? Once the press got a hold of this information (indie queen with a dirty mouth wearing the fanciest shoes on the carpet), the torch-waving mob yelled Hypocrite. Cody's reaction? Denial, denial, denial. According to our source, once she read some bad press pre-Oscars, she nixed the long-worked-on design and went with her more fan-friendly flats (and vented about it on MySpace). Why a chick like Diablo, with her signature punk style, would even clamor for a pair of chintzy third-rate shoes in the first place is beyond us, but then again, so was her choice in Oscar dress. Developing!

· Great news for all those out-of-work actor friends you've been slightly concerned about since they duct-taped themselves inside their homes to explore the medium of peanut-butter-and-Cap'n Crunch sculpture: TV's hiring again, in a pilot casting frenzy. [THR. THR]
· Phil Collins's 18-year-old daughter Lily Collins has been hired by Nickelodeon to "appear in interstitial programming spots airing throughout the day and night." Or, as her father might put it, "I can see Lil' Collins with Squarepants tonight...Oh lord..." (Wow. That was pretty bad.) [THR]
· SNL's return after a three-month strike hiatus brings that show its highest ratings in two years, with their impressions of presidential hopefuls ranging from bang-on (Mike Huckabee as Mike Huckabee) to the desperately in need of fine-tuning (Fred Armisen's Obama). [THR]

Elton John 16th Annual AIDS Foundation Oscar Party:

Elton John coddled Best Actress winner Marion Cotillard, while model Petra Nemcova and Sean Penn canoodled all night as the newest couple in Hollywood making their big debut on Oscar night.

Harrison Ford (victim of perhaps Jon Stewart's worst joke of the evening) arrived with the (finally) well-dressed Calista Flockhart; Courtney Love managed to clean up her act; Seal turned the cameras on the cameramen.

Kate Beckinsale proved having kids does not a schlumpy mom make; Portia de Rossi and Ellen DeGeneres continued their Lesbians Are Cool, Just Deal With It Tour; Jeremy Piven took a break from his yoga pursuits to swing by The Rocket Man's shindig.

Other guests included:
Simon Cowell, Sharon Stone, Diddy, Minnie Driver, Heidi Klum, JC Chasez, Chace Crawford, Len Wiseman, Al Roker, Billy Joel, Chris Noth, Chris O'Donnell, Christian Slater, Faye Dunaway, Tara Reid and Zoe Saldana.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images and Wire Image]

[C]heck out this official press transcript from the Oscars website and see how they chose to present Rudin's words:

UPDATE: The missing text has appeared!

CATEGORY: BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR SPEECH BY: SCOTT RUDIN, ETHAN COEN AND JOEL COEN FILM: "NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN"

======BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION======

Scott Rudin:
This is an unbelievable honor and a complete surprise. [...]

I want to thank my friend, Sydney Pollack, who taught me that with the responsibility — with the opportunity to make movies comes the responsibility of making them good. This for him.

======END TRANSCRIPTION======

We'd be disheartened to think that a sweet declaration of superproducerly love for Rudin's loyal partner—always available to dispose of scores of assistants who "didn't work out," no questions asked—would be deemed inappropriate content by the Academy historians. We'll therefore chalk this one up to human error, and not to a small army of Sid Ganis-led standard and practices wonks, black Sharpies at the ready should a winner's acceptance speech give off even the faintest scent of fruitiness during Hollywood's most hallowed and rigorously heterosexual awards sacrament.

UPDATE: The transcript now contains the Barlow mention:



All is right with the Gays and the Oscars!

• Oscar archivist deliberately scrubbing gays? [Good As You]
• oscars.org/transcripts

"I must have somehow missed the part where my shoes cost a MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS and my 'choice' of footwear would be publicized nationwide. I honestly thought they were just sparkly shoes. Mr. Weitzman did mention that the diamonds were real when I tried them on, but I'm not Nancy Rockman, Expert Gemologist."

Cody continues: "I didn't, you know, bust out my miniature spyglass and assess the potential worth of my kicks. I'm actually really pissed about this, now that I think about it. They're using me to publicize their stupid shoes and NOBODY ASKED ME. I would never consent to a lame publicity stunt at a time when I already want to hide." We're still a little confused on that whole "nobody asks me" part, considering it sounds like they did, in fact, ask her to come in and try them on. However, we're going to forgive Cody's online rant only because of the ballsiness she displayed on the red carpet (showing off her terribly tacky tatts with pride) and her heartfelt acceptance speech. Speaking of which, did she rip her dress at some point last night? We began throwing dollar bills at our TV set last night when we almost caught a glimpse of Diablo Vadge when she walked off stage last night, but then we realized that the slit might not have been intentional.

• DIABLO CODY'S MILLION DOLLAR SHOES CAUSE DRAMA [Myitthings.com]
• Diablo Cody's MySpace

7. Ellen Page: On the biggest night of her short career, we're happy she didn't go with jeans, but couldn't she have gone one step up on the glamour meter?
6. Jennifer Hudson: Not quite as bad as last year's python-y jacket combo, but can't she keep those funbags from attacking us on sight?
5. Marlee Matlin: Just eh, you know? Stiff tube dress in black and white? Go for pizazz to match the personality!

4. Diablo Cody: Oh dear. The diamond collar, the leopard print, the visible tattoos. Kudos for daring Academy members to Take Notice and all, but an animal print dress will always be an animal print dress: tackiness exemplified.
3. Sissy Spacek: Sissy isn't yet old enough to require Oprah-esque jacket cover-ups. We suspect those arms of hers are toned enough to show off.
2. Tilda Swinton: Like Cate Blanchett, Tilda likes taking fashion risks. But a velvety black curtain paired with barely-there makeup? New addition to the Addams Family.

1. Faye Dunaway: Reminiscent of Cher and Barbara Streisand at their most bizarre, we at least give her credit for not flashing her tush.

10. Cate Blanchett, who pretty much picked the most stunning maternity dress we've seen since Kate (excuse us! Katie!) decked herself out in Versace and Dolce while carrying the mysteriously conceived Suri.
9. Heidi Klum in Galliano, who managed to make popped collars look glamorous.
8. Katherine Heigl,whose one-strap gown was the most perfect red for a blonde with aggro issues.

7. Amy Adams in Proenza Schouler, whose bustier top made us forget that innocent twang she's perfected in interviews altogether.
6. Calista Flockhart, whose billowy gray and white gown officially erased those OMG SHE'S SO EFFING SKINNY pics of yore from our memory.
5. Cameron Diaz in Dior, who we'll now forgive for that controversial Valentino extravaganza she waltzed through last Oscars in to unsuccessfully make Justin Timberlake regret his dumpage.

4. Jessica Alba, who never really looks bad, but finally figured out a way to tell Hollywood to take her seriously.
3. Kelly Preston in Roberto Cavalli, who we think may have finally turned Johnny T. straight by looking 20 years younger tonight.
2. Keri Russell in Nina Ricci, whose baby weight has disappeared faster than it took to deliver the damn thing.

1. Penelope Cruz:Because of its sheer and utter flawlessness.

Without further ado...let the games begin! (And—not that you asked—but we're in vintage Sweet P, bag by Trader Joe's.)

8:46 No Country For Old Men takes it!! It deserved it!! We loved it!! We don't know how to deal with these strange, fulfilled-Oscar emotions. Someone hold us. And Scott Rudin just called John Barlow his "honey," giving this ceremony a much needed shot of gay-drenaline. How utterly satisfying. Now, if you'll kindly excuse us, we're going to get to the level of tankededeness we've been dreaming about all night. Sure, it's an abrupt ending—but no more abrupt than the 2008 Best Picture winner's. Good night, everyone!

8:45: Wait a second—it's over?? There were 12,000 montages! That's impossible!

8:40: The Coens take Best Director. We won't even parse this one with a joke: that feels really good. A crisp fin to whoever leads us to YouTube of Henry Kissinger: A Man on the Go first.

8:36: Daniel Day-Lewis takes Best Actor, and in a heartfelt acceptance speech, thanks his grandfather, Michael Bolton. (We think. It's loud in here.) Wait—the orchestra just broke into "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?" Yup, Michael Bolton is Daniel Day-Lewis's grandfather.

8:33 Helen Mirren is doing things to our pants.

8:29: Diablo just texted us from backstage! "honest to liveblog, winning an O-man is the bizzomble! itz fierceballs! just met best actrix Marion, doing the best diddle of her career by getting her Edict Rice-Piaf on!"

8:24: A cheer just erupted from Jumbo's Clown Room!

8:15: Don't ask, don't tell: Things get a smidge dour with the documentary competition (Best Short goes to Freeheld, Best Feature, Taxi to the Dark Side.) But to reward you for having made it this far, we have a special treat for you: An underwear-model palate cleanser. Enjoy.

8:08: Just what this ceremony needs: More Amy Adams. Atonement wins Best Score, which, based on that string arrangement snippet we've heard approximately 7000 times in those fragrance-ad-ish TV spots, is very score-like.

8:05: The In Memoriam Grieve-O-Plaud-O-Meter round-up: Kitty Carlysle Hart sets it off, Suzanne Pleshette gets it going (a solid 7), and Heath Ledger, not surprisingly, seals the deal. Then, quite dramatically, they kill the lights. (Perhaps a poor choice of words.)

7:59: There Will Be Blood takes Best Cinematography. We take this moment to recognize Stewart for his I-drink-your-milkshake-joke restraint tonight. Wish we could say the same about SNL—though Bill Hader did nail Plainview.

7:56 That's nice—Jon Stewart just brought out Marketa so she could have her acceptance speech moment. How cute is she? We just hope this new second-chance policy doesn't extend to those creepy, ponytailed Sound weirdos.

7:49 Once wins Best Song, says John Travolta (in fetching AstroScalp™ hair piece). The audience seems genuinely thrilled for Glen Hansard; unfortunately, Marketa Irglova doesn't get a chance to speak. Those two need to get it on, already. So she's married—so what. You can make it work!

7:45: We get it. Enchanted is an enchanting movie with lots of wonderful songs. Now can someone shoo Lumière and the rest of the gang of the stage? And we're officially drunk, so can someone clarify: Is that Amy Adams? Or an Amy Adamalike? And who the hell is singing? Where's Simon Cowell when you need him?! OK, we think we need a bathroom break.

7:42: Our heads are literally spinning, trying to unscramble Penelope Cruz's accent as she introduces the Best Foreign Film. Austrian film The Counterfeiters wins, a stirring bio-drama about lesser-known, slightly eccentric German dictator, Gaydolph Titler.

7:32: Nicole Kidman's face-stylists really gave her a great look tonight, didn't they? Engaged, content—just right. Can't wait to see what they cook up for the after-parties!

7:28: So Renée is going to get trounced by the CoJo set tomorrow, isn't she? Yes. Yes she is. Too bad she can't Best Edit that haircut away. (Infernal sparkling wine demons.) Bourne takes Editing, which was definitely a very edited movie. We had No Country.

7:26: Do you really have to ask? Yes they are going to go through every single Best Picture of all time. Bladder-voiding time, unless you want to hiss along to Forrest Gump and Crash. Hisssssssss...... P.S. We're going to be here 'til dawn.

7:20 Once really deserves Best Song. We're fighting back tears and stroking a broken vacuum cleaner right now.

7:17 OK, now they're really scraping the montage barrel, as "80 Years of Wii" fails to provide the emotionally resonant clips of some of the other categories.

7:13: Marion Cotillard accepts an award the way a magical French pixie who dominates an above-average biopic should. The Gays in attendance approve.

7:11: Big one: Best Actress. Call it!

7:09: Topic for conversation: Fuck, Marry, Kill: Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jon Stewart. Go!

7:05 Sound Editing and Sound Mixing both go to The Bourne Ultimatum. Still, the winners don't have supreme power over sound, as nothing they say can stop an ear-piercing orchestra swell or the killing of a mic.

7:01 All hail the Doughy Semitics. Their time has arrived. (For now.)

6:54: Amy Adams: You've just been served by Kristen Chenoweth. But, you know, in a cheesy-Oscars-musical-number kind of way. So don't worry. You still rock.

6:50: Good thing everyone kept their speeches short, so we could watch this fascinating ten-minute educational film starring Sid Ganis about the voting process. It really needed a Schoolhouse Rock-style animated, anthropomorphic ballot, didn't it. Most interesting part? The fact that they showed Penelope Cruz's address. Production company, not home. But still. Bury 'em in mail, billion-person Oscars audience!

6:46: Now they're talking reeeeeally sllowwly. We're not even going to fake this: We completely missed that.

6:45: The Coens are walking reeeeeally slloowwly.

6:44: We think Jessica Alba just rattled off something technical, but let's face it—no one really pays attention to her since she got herself knocked-up. Meow! The claws are out—we must be feeling the cheap champagne.

6:38: Tilda Swinton wins Best Supporting Actress. She submits herself to the Greatest Actor's Sacrifice, and donates her award to agent Brian Swardstrom, who apparently is the spitting-image of Oscar, right down to his chiseled, voluptuous buttocks. A great call-out to co-star Clooney and his benippled Batsuit, and she's out! One thing is for certain: It's going to be a hot, intergenerational menage-a-trois at the Swintons' tonight.

6:32: The Shorts are called, and something French wins Live-Action, and something stop-action wins Animated. Adjust your pools accordingly.

6:29: It's Owen Wilson! Heyyy, buddy... You look great! How's it going? You OK? Need anything? What? We are not walking on eggshells around you!

6:25: Apparently a movie called August Rush starring Felicity was in theaters this year, giving producers a great excuse to trot out the He Is Risen Academy Choir, whose performance of this song is slightly less rousing than their 2006 rendition of "Hard Out Here For A Pimp."

6:23: Even if it was for a pace-killing gag about pointless montages, we were heartened to see Pee-wee Herman make an appearance during the Waking Up From Bad Dreams retrospective.

6:17: Looks like we won our coin-flip, friendo: Javier Bardem picks up a statuette, and apparently is still traumatized by his Anton Chigurh hair. Get over it, already! The hair got you an Oscar!

6:15: They really should have let Jennifer Hudson sing the Best Supporting Actor nominees.

6:14: Hey—Tommy Lee Jones was bald in the mid-90s, yet now has a lustrous head of hair! It's an Oscar miracle!

6:12: Looks like we're on the same page as Stewart, who just identified her outstanding work as the swimming pitbull in No Country For Old Men. Now that he mentions, it, though—that pitbull really does deserve some kind of special Oscar. Does it not? That was our single favorite scene of the year.

6:10: Granted we're a little preoccupied, but when did The Rock morph into Cate Blanchett? That's even more impressive than her transformation into Bob Dylan! Oh—we're informed she was suctioned in via pneumatic presenter tube. Sneaky producers!

6:00: Wow—The Golden Compass wins something: Best Visual Effects. A true upset, as indicated by the guy with his hands in his hair and the utterly shocked look on his face. Talking/fighting polar bears RULE, dude! (No, we didn't see it. But c'mon—they rule.) Sorry, Disciples of Bay. Not your year.

6:00: We love Amy Adams, but without the princess get-up and dancing vermin, this numbers is a little West Covina Christian Community Center presents Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

5:53: Katherine Heigl's veers from her introduction for Best Makeup to mention it's "Joshua's bedtime," whoever that is. La Vie en Rose wins, effectively shutting out Norbit. There is no God!

5:53: Chalk up one more point on your Oscar pool: Ratatouille wins. Brad Bird delivers his famous high school guidance counselor story we just read in the LAT, rambles a bit, and the first music-swell of the evening accompanies the ceremonial snapping open of the trapdoor for long-windeds.

5:52: Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway offer a chilling demonstration of what happens when bad patter goes, uh, badly.

5:46: Impossibly twinkly-eyed George Clooney (is that mascara we detect?) puts both hands in his pockets—a secret shout-out to new best friend Joel Stein—and introduces the evening's first PowerPoint presentation. The theme? We have no freaking clue, but we have a strong feeling we're glimpsing the dark void of whatwas in store if the strike wasn't resolved in time.

5:42: A still-shaken Jennifer Garner (what did that monster Busey do to her hair???) announces the winner of Best Costume Design, which goes to Elizabeth: The Golden Age. An admirably short—if emotionless—standard is set for future acceptance speeches, as Sid Ganis nods approvingly in the wings.

5:40: A serviceable monologue manages to slip the words "Gaydolph Titler" past network censors.

5:35: Jon Stewart emerges from a sort of suction-tube delivery device that presumably ends at his Daily Show office, and launches right into a requisite shout-out to writers.

5:30: It's on! Through the magic of really crappy CGI, Megatron just blew up a young, pirouetting Travolta. Awesome! Bay has his hands all over that.

5:26: We're confused. Why is Regis wandering around the audience before the show started. Then Regis mangles Javier Bardem's name, calling him "Xavier Bardem." Javier takes it in stride, however, chuckling lightly to himself as he fantasizes about pneumatic cattle-bolts flying into the slightly addled melon of the World Record Holder for Live Television Hours.

5:23: False alarm. Regis is just backstage, mixing with the cast of Who Wants to Marry A Bavarian Milkmaid?, the latest Mark Graham reality hit coincidentally shooting next door.

5:20: In the last few moments of the official red carpet countdown, an overcome Regis Philbin was led off by concerned handlers after he mistook Ellen Page for a young Shelley Winters.

Anne Hathaway in Marchesa, Helen Mirren, and Heidi Klum in John Galliano.

Katherine Heigl, Miley Cyrus.

Ruby Dee and Julie Christie.

5:22pm: Gary Busey's antics aside, this carpet made NBC's Golden Globes press conference seem positively enthralling. It's clear to us that while the Writer's Strike might be over, Hollywood is still really hung over from the debilitating three month strike. Fingers crossed that tonight's ceremony will go much smoother and be WAY more exciting than the carpet. At this point, we're turning things over to your Master Of Ceremonies ... it's been a blast. Stay tuned to Defamer's on-going coverage by going here:
http://defamer.com/360170/liveblogging-the-oscars-choke-on-the-glitz

5:17pm: Um, ABC ran a "global contest" for two people to get to walk the carpet and they only got 16,000 entries? Why does ABC think that ANYONE cares who these two teens are? Bee-tee-dubs, guy from Toledo, way to put your best fashion foot forward with that gray generic polo shirt.

5:11pm: Jennifer Garner is REALLY close to slipping a nip live on ABC. Where's Busey when you need him? J. Garns gives a shout-out to mummified fashionista Rachel Zoe, but what we're really wondering is how she felt about getting snubbed? If there was an Oscar worthy role in Juno, it was hers.

5:07pm: Well, looks like both E! and TV Guide Channel have shut down their coverage. No real loss. Both carpets were snoozefests, where's Joan Rivers when you need her? Or, for that matter, Issac Mizrahi? The red carpet has lost its sense of spontanaiety (however "spontanaiety" is spelled). No time for spellcheck, it's a liveblog! Thankfully, we have this clip the cast of Dancing With The Stars to tide us through this commercial break.

5:06pm: John Travolta to the chippy on ABC: "I let Kelly wear the dress tonight." There's a first time for everything!

5:01pm: Sorry Rinna, but we're just not that into you. Now that Reege is on ABC, we'll be flipping back and forth between ABC and E!

4:59pm: Casey Affleck is now talking to Lisa Rinna. Unfortunately, he has pledged to be nicer to Lisa this time around. That's no fun, yo!

4:57pm: Uh oh, there's Zellweggs. Between her and Cameron Diaz, we're not sure which one spent less time washing their hair before this evening's ceremony. Someone get these ladies a Brita filter for their shower heads or somethin'.

4:53pm: Katherine Heigl looks REALLY thin. But that hair? We said it before (and caught some flack for it), but the 45 year-old version of Katie Heigl just called and she wants her hairstyle back. Where's Doc Brown when you need him, someone needs to go back to the future.

4:51pm: Casey Affleck standing on the merlot carpet with Seacrest, which means it's only a matter of minutes before he encounters Lisa Rinna again. We all remember how that one went down last time. Should be a good one!

4:46pm: Zomg! The unholy Dancing With The Starts triumvirate of vet Lisa Rinna and n00bs Steve Guttenberg and Marlee Matlin are having a convo (with the aid of an interpreter, obvs). It must be easy to read Lisa Rinna's lips, seeing as how they are stuffed with at least 30cc's of collagen.

4:43pm: Lisa Rinna's go-to word of the night is "Girl." During an interview with Keri Russell (who, btw, must be SO sick of answering the Adrienne Shelly questions by now), Rinna dropped the word "girl" at least six times in ten seconds.

4: 37pm: Here's the video that everyone will be talking about tomorrow morning (and maybe even later tonight) — Gary Busey storming an unsuspecting Ryan Seacrest, Jennifer Garner and Laura Linney. Utah, gimme two!

4:34pm: Seacrest just asked the question that's on the mind of every man who glances at Jessica Alba these days: "Will you be breastfeeding?" We didn't know you had it in ya, Seacrest. Keep it up!

4:32pm: Hey Cameron Diaz, did an alarm on your iPhone just go off to remind you to walk the Red Carpet? Nice roots, it looks like she got ready for the show in the limo on the way over to the Kodak Theater. We know it's raining, but come on.

4:31pm: Gary Busey is over on the TV Guide Channel now doing penance for his crashing of the E! set. For some reason, he is intent on interviewing Lisa Rinna (who, btw, is eating up the attention).

4:26pm: Okay, the first shot of Diablo Cody's million dollar shoes just hit the wires. Really, that's all you get for a million dollars these days? There should at least be some laces or something, right?

4:20pm: It's somehow appropriate that, at 4:20pm, Gary Busey just molested Jennifer Garner's neck with his tongue. Utah, gimme two! The Buse is the early favorite for the Sean Young Memorial Trophy as the Oscar's biggest trouble causer. Can you imagine if Busey streaked the ceremony? One can only hope that Vh1 is filming him tonight for Celebrity Rehab 2.

4:19pm: Kimora on Ellen Page: "She's a little Plain Jane."

4:15pm: Jessica Alba like whoa. The breastfeeding jokes will be coming fast and furious on some of the laddies parts of The Blogosphere tomorrow (or, more likely, in the next 30 seconds).

4:13pm: Aw, isn't that cute. Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, sporting matching Jewfros, are clearly being positioned as the Matt-n-Ben of the new Hollywood set.

4:11pm: Exactly how many Enchanted dolls does Seacrest carry on his person at any given time? Not only did he bust one out when McDempsey walked up to him, but he sprung one out of his bag of tricks when the universally adored Amy Adams showed up on the carpet. Good thing The Today Show's Natalie Morales isn't here; we all know how that turned out last time!

4:08pm: It's Hollywood's most ubiquitous presence, James McAvoy. Ry Guy is sweating profusely while interviewing the (considerably shorter) James McAvoy. We don't think McAvoy is exactly Will Ferrell, but we think that Seacrest is probably standing on a few milk crates.

4:03pm Flipping back to TV Guide Channel, Lisa Rinna has cornered Diablo Busey-Hunt (aka, Brook Cody). She looks fantastic, actually, and manages not to laugh when Rinna dropped the news that Harry Hamlin voted for Juno for Best Picture. Bloggers and froggers, still no camera pans down to her million dollar kicks.

4:02: One hour down and everything is going according to schedule. Nothing is happening. This really is going to be the lowest-rated Oscars of all-time, isn't it? Speaking of which, what is McDreamy doing on the carpet? Oh yeah, that's right, a little bit of ABC nepotizz at work. Or would it be considered product placement? Either way, Loverboy was rad.

3:58pm: We're kind of loving Joey Fatone's elevation from boy band has-been to the poor man's Jerry Penacoli. He's on TV Guide Network now blasting Anne Hathaway for being too pale and John Travolta for spray painting his hair to his head. And now he's wearing bunny slippers.

3:57pm: Wait a second, there's some hot competish for worst haircut of the 2008 Oscars. The Rock is giving Travolta a real run for his money.

3:54pm: Zomg, John Travolta's chia-head looks like it was put together by pouring a smattering of melted Crayolas over top his melon.