Defamer

Dangerous Pant- And Tree-Snakes Abound In Best Porn Intro Ever!

· You'll likely have many questions after watching the Best Porn Intro Ever. We'll likely not have answers. Still, that doesn't detract from the fact that this is, without a doubt, the best. Porn. Intro. Ever. [YouTube]
· Mark Burnett is being sued for $70 million by Mr. Drummond. Oh wait—that's Conrad Bain. Never mind. [ABCNews.com]
· Ladies and gentlemen: We proudly present the shirtless, out-of-work bartenders who'll be standing around a kitchen island saying racist things on this summer's tenth edition of Big Brother! [Yahoo]
· Something about Madonna's return to gossip bad-girl status has sent her running back into the arms of her former stunt-lesbian tonsil-field-hockey-partner, Britney Spears, for comfort. Britney got a job out of it. [CNN]
· OMGZ! Some of David Lynch's favorite restaurants are some of our favorite restaurants! (Actually we're only sort of feigning surprise. We've seen him sitting outside Figaro about 12 zillion times.) [LAT]
· And finally, a hearty congratulations to our own videostronomer Molly McAleer, named by Urlesque as one of 20 "Bloggers We Want To See In Bikinis." It's her two-piece-rocking world. We just live in it. [Urlesque]

The Return Of Your Favorite Celebrity Transvestite Prostitute

In case you haven't noticed, we have been having some trouble with our video player for the last few days. While the tech geeks back at the mothership continue to work on resolving the issues, we remain committed to bringing you nothing but the highest quality in Defamer To Do's. Fortunately, we were able to convince tonight's guest host, celebrity transvestite prostitute Lindsay Lohan, to take a few minutes out of her busy (and diamond-filled!) evening to upload tonight's installment onto YouTube for your viewing pleasure. And while we can't stand in support of her tasteless comments on the people she dubs "the handicaps", we think the novelty of seeing her riding the Metro should be enough to get you to watch the video over and over again. As always, tonight's listings can be found after the jump. Enjoy!

Now That Diamond Rings Are Involved, Lohan / Ronson Romance Takes New Life

Reunited Synth Duo Yaz Is Still Blue Eyed And Dressed For Every Situation

The Stanley Cup—aka Canada's Holy Grail, from which, legend has it, one sip of Labatt Blue renders the drinker immortal—took some time off from its current damnation home in Detroit to take in some local sunshine and glamour. Starting in Manhattan Beach at the home of former San Jose Shark Brad Stuart, the cup then bounced into its rental (a convertible Sebring) and hightailed it down to Chris Chelios's place in Malibu. It stopped for breakfast at Coogie's Beach Café, where a cup-struck Rob Reiner bashfully approached it and requested a photograph. But it was once it arrived at Bally's gym owner John Wildman's annual Fourth of July party that it really started getting caught up in the Hollywood fast lane, rubbing handles with the likes of Detroit's own Kid Rock, David Spade, Cuba Gooding Jr., Ray Liotta, and Jeremy Piven. The Stanley Cup Journal blog reports:

With a flank of beef spitting on the rotisserie, [Hollywood Records exec group] Steal Thunder took the stage. Jeremy Piven got up and beat the heat by keeping the beat on the bongos. Then, Kid Rock decided to rock the stage. [...]

Chivalrous Steve Carell Saves Anne Hathaway From Ex's Voracious Italian Countrymen

Anne Hathaway's long road back from her oily-boyfriend, dog-abandoning private hell had one final hurdle Monday: The Italian premiere of Get Smart, where Raffaello Follieiri's compatriots bared their red-carpet fangs at the actress — who apparently, despite her ever-expansive doe eyes, didn't see it coming. Thank God, though, Steve Carell was there, defying his typecast incompetence in his helpless co-star's service:

Personal questions were strictly forbidden at the Italian premiere of Get Smart on Monday - but that didn't stop one reporter from asking the movie's star, Anne Hathaway, "Was the separation from your ex-boyfriend painful?" ...

After the reporter lobbed the question, Hathaway remained silent and attempted a faint smile.

Lance, If You're Not Going To Let Me Win, Then How's This Thing Going To Work?

Christopher Ciccone's Tell-All Only Serves To Reestablish Madonna's Sorely Missed Bad Girl Rep

Did Prolific Robert Rodriguez Trade Rose McGowan for 22-Year-Old in His Latest Romantic Drama?

Box-office bombs and Barbarella casting crises aside, we hear today that the Robert Rodriguez Girlfriend Roundelay may have simply been too crowded for Rose McGowan to keep her place during the couple's bust-up. A tipster sends word that Rodriguez has moved on to 22-year-old Kat Dennings, the Charlie Bartlett ingenue currently shooting Shorts with the filmmaker in Austin; the duo has reportedly been seen at locales around town — including Rodriguez's hot tub, we're told — but for all we know that could just be a bit of refreshment after a long, midsummer day under the scorching Texas sun.

And Dennings's smitten blog post from May about her "redonkulous superhuman" director (excerpted after the jump)? That's probably just a genuine gesture of professional respect:

Secrets Of The Prosthetic Member: 'Tell Me' Star Tells All

As the official site describes it, HBO's Tell Me You Love Me offers "an unfiltered look at three couples as they navigate critical periods in their lives." By "unfiltered," of course what they mean is, "boldly ushering slapping balls into the premium cable landscape." And no one's slapping balls were more closely scrutinized than actor Adam Scott, whose Cruiseian good looks made up one-half of the couple you would have most eagerly TiVoed through the boring stuff to see knock prosthetic uglies. Talking to BlackBook, Scott reveals what went into making the "banging for real" illusion come alive:

Have you been recognized more after the HBO show?

Definitely, yeah. I mean, now it's like, people are walking up to me and actually—

Calling you Palek.

Yeah, stuff like that, and wanting to talk about the show, wondering if that's really my dick.

You're Going To Delete That, Right?

The Hot Celebrity Lesbian Affair It Took Us A Year To Notice

Meet Joan Graves, the Most Powerful Censor in the Film Industry

Believe it or not, half-ass blogging neophyte Patrick Goldstein has kind of a genuine scoop today at The Big Picture: A heads-up to an interview with CARA (Classifcation And Ratings Administration) board head Joan Graves, arguably the most notorious (and notoriously private) movie censor of the last 50 years. Of course, it's not Goldstein's interview, but rather his wife's, banished to the relatively innocuous comfort of Graves's alumni magazine at Stanford. But that doesn't make it an any-less-terrifying glimpse behind the scenes of the ratings board's "parent-friendly" tyranny:

Nowadays Graves' office even accepts scripts to review for a ratings opinion. "We don't guarantee the film made from a script will get a certain rating, but we can give them an idea. We can say, well, you've got two 'fucks' in the script, or the violence on Page X sounds brutal. One of our senior raters is very good at assessing scripts. Another is the filmmaker liaison, to answer production questions like: 'How much nudity can we show in this scene?' " Graves says the liaison issues are "the most interesting part of the job for me, and growing larger." ...

When Glossies Attack: Blake Lively Latest Victim Of Airbrushing Whack Jobs

They say that every soul has their One out there somewhere—and after a false start that left her hunched over and coughing up blood on her Gazebo of Broken Dreams, DeAnna Pappas finally found hers last night on The Bachelorette's season finale. And who, we ask, is more deserving of legitimate and lasting happiness, having submitted herself to not one but two six-week-long cattle-call searches for true love? No one! Learn who DeAnna chose—the very same fellow who scribbled that spell-unchecked grocery list of proposal talking points above—after the jump!