Defamer
When undisclosed circumstances of a personal nature prevented I Know Who Killed Me star Lindsay Lohan from fulfilling her promotional duties on the Tonight Show yesterday, the program's harried bookers turned to chameleon actor Rob Schneider, whose seamless transformation into the troubled starlet was so convincing that the studio audience seemed to have no idea that anything was amiss. Meanwhile, an embattled, post-arrest Lohan, beset on all sides by those willing to believe every lie spewed by the publicity-hungry Santa Monica Police Department before hearing her version of the story, reached out to the last fully adequite person in this accursed town: Access Hollywood b.f.f. Billy Bush. Her Blackberried words, as always, will move you:
When Billy e-mailed Lohan asking if everything was OK and if there was anything she wanted him to get out there for her, she responded, "Yes. I am innocent... did not do drugs they're not mine. I was almost hit by my assistant Tarin's mom. I appreciate everyone giving me my privacy."
Unfortunately, the brief, desperate missive to her last friend in the world did not address whether or not the pants she was wearing at the time of her arrest, in which a "small amount of cocaine" was so famously discovered, belonged to her. For now, we'll just have to take her at her word that someone else's drugs mysteriously found their way into her pocket, a plausible scenario that, in fairness, plays itself out dozens of times each night at post-clubbing DUI traffic stops all over Los Angeles.
- Tonight Show [NBC.com]
- Rob Schneider as Lindsay Lohan on TONIGHT SHOW pt1 [YouTube]
- Lindsay Lohan Speaks On The Record To Access [Access Hollywood]
Comments
Blackberried, the verb.
Yeah, iPhoned it in.
I always carry drugs for other people. Even when I have my assistants with me.
So, what she's saying is, she was so fuc&ed up that she didn't know she was wearing somebody else's pants. A masterstroke.
@Miss Anne Thrope: I was just going to say... it's already hard enough to believe that she does her own driving.
But if anyone really did give her some cocaine to carry around for them, I hope they learned their lesson: the bland-looking, non-paparazzi-ed folks among us make much better couriers.
Not even my mom would pretend to believe that. Oh, and the "privacy" thing? Yeah, not a chance.
Has the universe decided that, at least in the micro-universe that is barely legal celebrity idiocracy in the Greater Los Angeles area of the planet, Billy Bush is the center?
I'm appreciating my boring berth in North Texas more and more...
Have they even ascertained whether she's really in rehab? Most reports say she "is in hiding." Evs. Apparently this rehab allows email too, which leads me to believe it's just the Chateau Marmont.
Well I certainly didn't expect her to fess up to the crimes. In retrospect, it'd have been a brilliant move NO ONE would have seen coming.
@BoHan: No, I'm sure she's at a real facility; nowadays even the most reputable places have been forced to allow patients occasional breaks to mow down assistants and do a few lines.
It was planted! I'm smelling a Roger Thornhill/ George Kaplan situation here! Couldn't have been true. I knew it all along.
I hope Bruce Vilanch sends her his t-shirt that says "PLEASE RESPECT MY PRIVACY DURING THIS DIFFICULT TIME".
Bruce, just remember to take your poppers out of the pocket first. She's learned her lesson about other people's clothes.
Lindsay is just trying to be "adequite."
I knew she was innocent all along. If the pants don't fit, you must acquit!
If you were poor, fat, and ugly, no one would care.
@Mel Gibstein: Can we try to mow her down with a cropduster then?? Or throw her off Mt. Rushmore?
Please?!
You wouldn't even have pockets if you were wearing a tiny dress and no panties, Lindsay!
Well she does steal clothes so maybe they really weren't her pants. But that was *definitely* her coke.
How hard is it to hire a limo? In L.A.??
Like any cokehead would entrust HER with holding it for them.
I think I have it finally figured out...the people who voted for George Bush were actually thinking they were voting for Billy Bush. Similar demographics....
@SallyJesseGlasses: Oh, that is sad in so many ways...
Does she not understand the concept of "possession"?
@gwendolyn: Apparently Ryan Seacrest was unavailable, busy as he is with Ben Silverman.
The sadness here is that this is the excuse of an 8-year-old who is acting up in the back seat. "I didn't do it. My brother did it, and he tried to hit me, too." Or maybe this is just an elaborate Parent Trap to get her folks back together. Awww.
When I "carry" cocaine for my friends, I find there is no safer place to hide it then my own nose.
I think I just fell in like with Rob Schneider a little... which is actually so disturbing on every level possible.
Good point. It's not ownership of cocaine that's the crime in this case. It doesn't matter if someone else has a real estate deed or sole legal custody of that cocaine. LL chose to keep it in her pants pocket. She got caught. She is charged with "posession of cocaine."
Lohan stores her own cocaine in her bloodstream. I can't imagine her holding anything for more than the time it takes to get to the bathroom.
Cry wolf all you like Lilo - he been knocking on your door for many a day now - why don't you be a good girl and let him in?
Cry wolf all you like Lilo - he has been knocking on your door for awhile now - why don't you be a good girl and let him in?
God I hate double posts!
I think she's speaking the truth. Last night, my jeans had red pubic hairs in them and my coke was missing out of the pocket. Hey, wait a second...
@Barbarella: He had me at, "I was so wasted, I couldn't find my car, and I was in my car."
Good choice on who to use the One Phone Call on. After all, the Bush family knows its cocaine.
They should absolutely make an adult version of this product. An extra pair of clean pants is essential for post-party traffic stops. You never know what is in other people’s pants until you’re pulled over by the cops and they find blow in those pockets.
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