Defamer
While the German government long ago named acting legend and adult-contemporary pop idol David Hasselhoff its Honorary Chancellor for Cultural Affairs in recognition of his many contributions to the arts, it has largely ignored the work of onetime international megastar Tom Cruise because of his controversial association with Scientology, a faith they narrow-mindedly refuse to recognize as an official religion, even though it has provided many generous American celebrities with a safe place in which to charitably invest their excess wealth. In addition to this ongoing and profound institutional slight, the government is now refusing to allow Cruise's latest movie, Valkyrie, the story of a WWII plot to assassinate Adolf Hitler, to film at their military sites, denying exacting director Bryan Singer the Teutonic verisimilitude required to properly execute his cinematic vision:
The U.S. actor has been cast as Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, leader of the unsuccessful attempt to assassinate the Nazi dictator in July 1944 with a bomb hidden in a briefcase.
Defense Ministry spokesman Harald Kammerbauer said the film makers "will not be allowed to film at German military sites if Count Stauffenberg is played by Tom Cruise, who has publicly professed to being a member of the Scientology cult"."In general, the Bundeswehr (German military) has a special interest in the serious and authentic portrayal of the events of July 20, 1944 and Stauffenberg's person," Kammerbauer said.
We fear that the German government's lingering prejudices have clouded their judgment in this matter, basing their hasty decision on an early treatment developed by Cruise, in which his von Stauffenberg character attempts to slowly kill Hitler by depriving him of the many self-actualizing services offered by Scientology, causing the Fuhrer to die from the despair of knowing he'd never reach his potential as a fully clear leader without the help of daily auditing sessions. The project has since been turned over to respected Usual Suspects writer Chris McQuarrie for a more action-packed and historically accurate script, which should calm the Bundeswehr's fears about the authentic portrayal of the protagonist.
Comments
I guess calling psychiatry a "Nazi science" kinda stuck in their collective Teutonic craw.
Huh. I had thought that Tom Cruise was going to try to electrocute Hitler with an e-meter.
Listen, you don't know the history of Claus von Stauffenberg and Nazi Germany. I do.
i think they might be holding out hope that mel gibson might become available.
Dear Germany,
Ich liebe dich, and your humorless, dour, Scientology-hating ways.
love, me.
I'm thinking this is just a political holdout manuvere until some more monies exchange hands. After a proper deposit to a German "history preservation fund" filming will go on as normal.
Well, as normal as it can considering.
Those glib motherfuckers, eh Tom?
Those effing Nazis are on Ritalin.
You're glib, Adolf, glib!
INT. GERMAN MILITARY PLACE (SET, NOT LOCATION) - DAY
STAUFFENBERG: No Adolf! I never knew about the final solution. I NEVER KNEW!
(Tears well up in his eyes. He goes super-still, quivering with intensity.)
STAUFFENBERG: But now I'm going to stop you. You and your German war machine.
(He laughs maniacally, flashing many many teeth.)
STAUFFENBERG: Now it's time to go have sex with a a lady!
(Stauffenberg exits, running very very fast.)
@Everybody Likes Pandas:
Not only would I pay to see that film, I would buy tickets to the opening night of its stage adaptation.
(see Nicky, you're not the only one who can do theatah, with your Blue Room nonsense).
You know, Born on the Fourth of July is one of my favourite movies, and Cruise was nothing short of genius in that, so it hurts me mock him...but then I remember that he wants to take my Paxil away.
Where's Xenu when you need him, eh Tom?
When is the world going to learn that their military bases are to be made available to any Hollywood a-hole who deems it "necessary to actualize his vision"? God!
Put your manners back in Germany.
Cruise as von Stauffenberg? No way.
Marie "Missie" Vassiltchikov, maybe. At least His Tinyness would fit into the costumes. And Tom as a secretary would be hi-larious!
The July Plot wasn't just von Stauffenerg, it was a incredible group of men and women, civilian and military, and is one of the most fascinating stories of WWII. Not so much in Cruise's version, of course, but in a real life sense, yeah, interesting.
I want Tom Cruise starring in a remake of the old Ann Southern sitcom 'Private Secretary' to be shown on the American Family Network in between reruns of 'I Married Joan' and 'Combat!'.
I can't help but derive some schadenfreude from all of this.
This response to Tom Cruise's movie is not surprising to me. I became aware of the Germans' hatred for Scientology over 10 years ago. I mentioned it to my mom (a native German) during a casual conversation, and I was really shocked at her powerfully negative response. This was way before Tom Cruise was publicly associated with it and it wasn't mentioned in the US media, at all.
Even then, the Germans considered the group a money-grabbing-cult. And the Scientologists were pissed at the Germans because they refused to give Scientology status as a religion, thus obligating them to pay taxes as a corporation, instead of being exempt as a religious institution. Since then, during my visits, I've asked multiple friends and family members and it is a unanimous opinion that Scientologists are greedy charlatans only after your money and nobody wants them anywhere in the country.
So the idea of Mr. Scientology portraying a man who is very famous and who is considered an enormous hero to the German people is revolting to the entire populace. The son of the man hates that Cruise is involved at all.
Another public relations disaster for Tom Cruise, Inc.
Start a discussion:
Login with your username and password below. Or comment on this post via email.
Forgot your username or password? New User?