Ever since Tom Cruise decided to demote publisister Le Anne DeVette and hire a flack who won't let the star chew through his restraints and seek out the first television camera ready to capture his latest manic thoughts on his suspicious relationship or distaste for psychiatry, the frequently unreliable tabloid press has been our main conduit for Cruise-related news. Today's Rush & Molloy column cites a National Enquirer report claiming that in early July, Cruise and Scientology war-bride-to-be Katie Holmes tied the knot while at sea, miles away from where anyone could hear her scream:

Cruise and Holmes, who met a few months earlier, are said to have exchanged rings emblazoned with triangular Scientology symbols during a Caribbean cruise aboard the sect's ship the Freewinds. (They supposedly wear their rings only at church functions.) Holmes, who once claimed she would remain virginal until her wedding day, wore white, says the tab.

After the ceremony, the couple walked across a tiny bridge a Scientology symbol for the journey to "total freedom," sources claim. Scientologists John Travolta and Kirstie Alley are said to have been on the ship, where guests also celebrated Cruise's 43rd birthday.

Holmes' Catholic family was not present, but is due to attend their "official" wedding later this year.

Yesterday, a rep for the couple insisted, "They have not yet wed, and are continuing to move forward with their plans for the big day."

We suspect that we won't truly know if the couple is already married until the "official" ceremony, when the inevitably leaked photos of the new bride should reveal either the fresh, dazed shock of sealing a billion-year commitment or the dead-eyed resignation of someone who's had a year of marriage to contemplate the loss of freedom resulting from an utterly tragic career miscalculation.

• Did Cruise and Holmes have a one-knot Caribbean voyage? [NY Daily News]
• Previously: Life & Style Vs. Tom & Katie [Defamer]