Oy.

I'm changing my name.

Is she in the death pool yet?

The person she was chasing was apparently her just-fired personal assistant's mother.

Who Lindsay apparently followed into the police department parking lot.

Because she's crazy -- though you can tell that just from the mugshot. Which is the best one ever taken of anybody.

@Greasy Thumb Guzik: I believe I called heroin od before her 25th birthday

Fer fuck's sake! And we just saw that picture of her with a water bottle in Costa Rica! Wait, that was Mel Gibson, who really HAS reformed.

Flawless. The only way this could be better is if she had a concealed handgun wedged up her snootch. I guess we can hope for the next time...

Dammit. How the hell am I supposed to get any work done today?

@TexansAreHot: "Firearmcrotch"?

And Britney will be naked, kids in tow, overdosing in front of the Ivy in 3... 2....

So I wonder if "usable amount of cocaine" was dropped because authorities were so enamored by Lindsey's jeans, or if LA's Finest found their hands stuck, Venus Fly Trap-like, in the Burmuda Triangle that the Lohan nether regions represent. "I need the Jaws of Life - STAT!", an officer shrieked.

More likely, prosecutors wanted to head off defense claims that a "usable amount" for Lohan entails bulging, fanny-pack quantities of happy dust.

The universe has my permission to start every day with news like this for me.

Seriously, the only way this could get better is if Ashlee Simpson, Paris Hilton, and Lohan here all got into a gorgeous fireball of a three-way, head on, high speed collision while chasing after the same crank dealer. On skid row. Tonight.

It's like, yeah, motherfucker, I'm high.

Oy indeed. At least in prison she could be the centerpiece of a large scale Thriller dance.

It's all just a brilliant marketing ploy for I Know Who Killed Me.

An Escalade AND a Denali? These are white chicks were talking about, right?

...and aren't all amounts of cocaine technically "usable"?

@impalpable observer: I hear they are changing the title to "I Know Who Killed Me. ME!"

The mugshot looks like a banner ad for Classmates.com.

@Little Mintz Sunshine: Bravo.

The irony of being narc'd by friends you're tailing, when there are 23,765 strangers - on Defamer alone - who'd drop a dime on that tired ditz if they saw her in their rear-view mirror is rich.

Seriously, though: how many carjackers cruise Beverly Hills in a Denali? Is it some sort of weird BH vehicular dress code?

@Little Mintz Sunshine: At least it wasn't a Navigator and a Hummer.

@H.L.Mannequin: I've read a lot of funny stuff about Liho this morning and maybe even laughed out loud a time or two...but you almost made me choke on my lunch.

Bravo.

@Juancho:I'm just sad for the environment that it wasn't an Escape Hybrid and a Prius. At least that Gore kid knows to save the planet when driving while drugging.

Um, from that mugshot, they appear to have arrested Dina Lohan.

Apparently, her assistant who had quit (gee, I wonder why?!) called her mom to pick her up. She and her mom were in the Escalade that LIndsay and two "friends" were chasing. The mom called the cops to report she was being chased and was heading straight to the police station.

I am dying to hear the Zelnik's statement. It's like it's the 1980 Winter Olympics, and she's the American hockey team, and Lindsay's misdeeds are the Russian hockey team. There's no way she can pull this off, can she?

Why do folks keep giving money to Promises. Seems to me it's just a nice, cop-dodging hotel.

I don't know about you, but if I were to be playing the stock market, I'd seriously think about shorting the shares on the company that makes that alcohol-detection bracelet.

How old is this former assistant? Obviously not old enough or savvy enough to get out the camera phone, make a movie and sell it to TMZ. Kids these days.

@rasaustin:
They should make it a headband.

@Shumina: Thank you for that. You just detailed a gorgeous wet dream for me.

There must have been an easier, non-arrestable way of getting out of doing Leno's lame show tonight!

Sum-mer-time.... and the livin's easy.

$25,000 bail is a lot for a non-violent offender. Add that to the rehab checks she's had to write, and she's averaging something like $400 per line snorted these days.

The saddest angle to all of this is that she's now become EXACTLY like her dear ol' dad.

@Little Mintz Sunshine: To be followed up by the sequel, I Know Who Killed My Career

@Little Mintz Sunshine: Exactly! What isn't a usable amount of cocaine??

@Mel Gibstein: I live to serve.

I really hope they put her siblings in some kind of protective custody, because otherwise those kids have no chance. Not that we didn't already know it, but geez, her "parents" have a pretty loose definition of that word.

Her mugshot so pretty.

@H.L.Mannequin: heh!

O_o;; wow.. I KNOW Mugshots aren't glamorous but.. Freakin Crap!.. that's.. wow.. >_> ..

@queensissy: The Zelnick lives for shit like this. The Zelnick practices for this with drills where her beeper goes off in the middle of the night, and she has to make up a statement on the spot explaining why the nuclear missile launch was absolutely not Lindsay's fault, and how we should all respect her need for privacy at this crucial time in her recovery process.

I feel like this mugshot, if blown up big enough, has potential to become the next Grazerhead? (Or do I blaspheme the Defamer gods by just suggesting it?)

@Sleepyhead: Tom Cruise's sister could handle a "we should all respect her need for privacy." This is the Zelnick! I'm expecting great things...

I saw this blurb and thought, "oh, it's a follow-up to that thing where she 'quietly turned herself in to the police'!" And then I read it. Lindsay? STAY HOME IF YOU'RE DOING COKE. STAY HOME!

Has anyone who "graduated" from Promises EVER stayed sober for more than say, a week?

@Sleepyhead: *THIS IS NOT A DRILL!**REPEAT**THIS IS NOT A DRILL!*

@Little Mintz Sunshine: From what little I know or have read about "rehab", the process is supposed to go 1. detox, 2.counseling, and then actual 3. rehab.

And it takes months, not a few weeks.

Does Promises have to prove that they actually do anything? Are they certified by any board? Do they answer to anyone? What the fuck do they do over there?

From Hollywood Elsewhere:

"Without the DUI, Lohan's new movie was probably doomed to an opening weekend of $2 to $4 million," Mason says. "Now that she's the resumed her well-earned role as Hollywood's most screwed-up young star, I'll raise that target to $4 millon to $7 million."

What did I tell ya'?

@queensissy:

Or, wait! She's just like Katarina Witt, double gold--er, I mean, DUI.

6.0 on the field sobriety test FTW!

Lindsey has the lamest friends. What kind of two-bit celeb posse lets the star do the running down of the disloyal assistant herself, while drunk, and while holding. If she won't hire a driver she should at least find someone responsible enough to toss the stash when the red lights start flashing.

@EvilMinion: I guess we will soon be seeing a "Second Assistant Needed for High Profile Celebrity ASAP!" on the Defamer job boards. Qualifications: enabling (all kinds), ability to simultaneously text, scream "C*NT" and drive a luxury SUV at high speeds, advanced tech skills (iPHONE, Blackberry, SCRAM). Some medical training a plus. Candidates w/bail bondsmen in family highly desired.

@EvilMinion: Like she's actually listen to them if they tried to stop her. You'll recall on the set she's been known to downtalk her personal assistant. "Don't talk to me like I'm some normal person!"

As an actor, I detest other actors that behave with such hubris.

This is why they call it "Promises," not "Results."

Remember when former child stars used to hold up video stores or something like that? "Morons!," cries Lindsay, the Vizzini of drunk-ass celebutards.

And plainly, after this mugshot and Paris', there's a future in Glamour MugShots (TM).