Exhale a sigh of despair into your first cup of coffee of the work week, knowing that a movie you've likely never heard of topped the box office.

1. The Covenant—$9 million
It finally happened. After two straight weekends in which it half-heartedly tried to convince us that Mark Wahlberg was the biggest movie star in America, Hollywood gave up. When the ticket-buying public showed up at its door, eager for a new round of cinematic treats that would make them forget all about Marky Mark's football movie, Hollywood stirred slightly in its bed, thrust its head underneath its pillow, and wearily threatened to go get its gun if they didn't get the fuck off his porch because it didn't even want their money anymore, OK? The desperate entertainment consumers were then forced to root around in the trash cans on Hollywood's curb, where they found nothing but an all-anonymous-male version (not even a Neve Campbell-level name on the call sheet!) of The Craft, an Adrian Brody vehicle with vague awards hopes, and a martial arts flick about the special love between a man and his elephant. Shrugging, they crumpled up whatever low-denomination bills they could find in their pockets and deposited them in the trash cans, knowing that they'd have at least a couple of hours of unsatisfying distraction that weekend. They started to shuffle away from Hollywood's house, film reels in hand, only after the ear-shattering report of what was either a window-rattling fart or a suicidal shotgun blast (they really didn't care which) reminded them they couldn't stand at the curb all day. They had pretty-boy witches to watch.

The rest of the movies that America didn't really want to see, but for lack of a better option, went to anyway:

2. Hollywoodland—$6.008 million
3. Invincible—$5.784 million
4. The Protector—$5.032 million
5. Crank—$4.8 million

September 8-10, 2006 Studio Estimates [Box Office Mojo]

8:55 AM on Mon Sep 11 2006
By Mark
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12 comments

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TheStarterWife at 10:12 AM on 09/11/06
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I was so mad at Hollywood this weekend, I could not even get up the energy to go to a Laemmele to see 'This Film Is Not Yet Rated'.
Panqueque at 10:19 AM on 09/11/06
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oooh... pretty-boy witches. You guys should have been in charge of the marketing--I would have seen it if someone told me THAT's what it's about.
Let's just say that thanks to you guys, they'll earn at least $9.00001 million.
el smrtmnky at 10:57 AM on 09/11/06
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when i first saw the trailer for 'the covenant' i said, 'it's the craft...with cock.'
thwarted at 12:13 PM on 09/11/06
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Well, we would've gone to see Idiocracy, but NOOO, it wasn't showing anywhere.
the gamerboi at 12:21 PM on 09/11/06
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Don't waste your time on the 'loosely adapted' Covenant. Check out the first two Brotherhood movies by David DeCoteau, filled with guys in boxer briefs and cheesy B-movie thrills.
Bon Jour, Pee Wee at 12:37 PM on 09/11/06
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Any David Decoteau movies actually. He has a penchant for young dudes in boxer briefs, extended [male] shower scenes, a hyperactive fog machine, and thunder and lighting with no rain.
Bon Jour, Pee Wee at 12:38 PM on 09/11/06
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'Leeches' has to be the most softcore.
Procrastinator, Esq. at 05:02 PM on 09/11/06
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Idiocracy was at the Arclight this weekend.
Little Mintz Sunshine at 05:31 PM on 09/11/06
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Ben shouldn't be too cocky, considering most people probably bought tickets to this film once they heard he gets killed in it.
Panqueque at 05:53 PM on 09/11/06
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Decoteau, you say? Defamer commentators are so helpful.
the gamerboi at 07:23 PM on 09/11/06
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For that matter, if you're looking for some cute-boys-getting-scared-by-things movies, the DeCoteau films are entertaining, but can be a bit hit and miss.

The Brotherhood 1 and 2 (Young Warlocks) are both pretty satisfying with their silly/tongue in cheek dialogue and hot guys. Bradley Stryker in the first and Sean Farris in the second. Some nice softcore threesomes, too (it's straight guys gone wild!).

There's a third Brotherhood--and now even a fourth--but it's more 'scary' than sexy. I don't think they even bothered with a script for that one. You can feel free to avoid it.

Voodoo Academy, also by DeCoteau, is entertaining, but a bit slower. Features a somewhat controversial scene of a shirtless priest rubbing his body while thinking of the hot young guys at their religious school. Not quite Brotherhood standards, but decent.

And as Bon Jour, Pee Wee mentioned, there's also Leeches, and it is the softest of the bunch. Very mainstream in it's presentatin, too. Not as much of the old 'we're buddies, but we like to slap each other on the backs and wink at each other' type play. Average.

There are some others, like 'Wolves of Wall Street,' 'The Frightening,' 'Final Stab' (often bootlegged as 'Scream 4') and DeCoteau's newest to DVD, 'Beastly Boyz.' Decoteau also did the independent film 'Leather Jacket Love Story,' and while it had some more hardcore sexual elements as bonus footage on the DVD release, his films typically don't feature nudity and explicit sex, but remain light-hearted erotic scare flicks, nonetheless.

DeCoteau's company website can be found online at www.RapidHeart.com.

Anyone else got any 'Craft with Cock' reccomendations?
the gamerboi at 07:43 PM on 09/11/06
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One more film, actually.

Amazon.com has a film called 'Hellbent,' that seems to be within this same genre and even has leading characters who are gay. It even got some pretty positive reader reviews.

It's listed for $16.99 and gets released on DVD tomorrow.