This must be an utterly exhausting day for David Beckham, the man sent by God to Los Angeles to punish it for its celebrity-worshipping sins. Earlier, his presence was required at a mass-fellating ceremony in Carson, an experience that would leave even the most formidably priapic of stars completely spent. Later, he was to be shuttled to Century City for a meeting with the evil agenting monolith he's chosen to represent his Hollywood interests, where a surprise reacharound by scores of his new best friends awaited. Reports the Defamer Special Correspondent on Can Someone Explain Why The Hell We're All Crammed Into This Fucking Stairwell on a 90-Degree Day?:

2:17 pm: Ordered to love David Beckham: He'll be here [at CAA] by the time you post this and we are all (as directed by a company-wide email) supposed to crowd the stairwells (floors 2-8) to give him the royal welcome.
I couldn't even tell you what team he'll be playing on but we have orders to show the love.

2:30 pm: So we're all in the stairwell as ordered. And then news comes in that he's running late to Leno and ain't coming by. Haha.

While Beckham's tragic scheduling conflict no doubt left many CAA staffers disappointed, we're sure he'll be back to the Death Star the first moment he's available. At that time, he'll finally be able to gaze upon the awe-inspiring majesty of the 100-foot "Becks Collossus," the momument they've erected outside of their headquarters as an extravagant tribute to the greatness of their current most-beloved client.

3:07 PM on Fri Jul 13 2007
By Mark
6,903 views
7 comments

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Soy Bomb at 04:00 PM on 07/13/07
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This is confusing. So was CAA's plan to have Beckham come in and walk up six flights of assistant crowded stairs to his meet and greet?

I suspect that CAA did bring Beckham in, but hid the ugly, non-Armani clad assistants in the stairwell lest the Golden Booted one be forced to interact with the lowly support staff.
Colonel Mustard at 05:19 PM on 07/13/07
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Connectedness Index: 301

Yeah, that sounds suspiciously like all those "hide and seek" games I'd play with my sister, where I would end up standing in the closet for six hours till my mom got home.
Victor Ward at 06:55 PM on 07/13/07
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I would fellate David Beckham - mass or otherwise.
beaumontjones at 10:58 PM on 07/13/07
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There's professional soccer in the U.S.? I seriously thought it was just middle school girls.
Caroline Bingley at 11:53 PM on 07/13/07
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They did the same thing back at Wilshire...when the Beckhams visited they dragged the minions out to hoot and holler. Needless to say, after the hollerin' was done, the minions were shoved back to their cages and disinvited from the ensuing wine and cheese.
fortunado at 06:19 PM on 07/19/07
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Unless he shows up with his hilariously Whitechapel wife, there's no need to worship the disappearing sideways man. Two years - he's finished, they're divorced and she's got a faux-Ab Fab sitcom co-starring Heather Graham.
gwiliandre at 06:49 PM on 07/27/07
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An assistant to a certain Jenny claims he developed a helluva bladder infection and cranky kidneys from *having to hold it* all the live long day. Same kidney compromised soldier was ejaculated when T Cruise made eye contact with him.
Betcha he'd be more than pleased to make the Becks feel more than welcome.
All the alleged winge-ing....JESUS H POSH-TITS, you can slide downstairs fetch your dry cleaning, grab some organic goods and smoke a fag on the lawn without leaving the headquarters new complex. Heard David *Miss Cabbage*, dear friend of TCruise has been milling about.