Defamer
Hoping to solve the mystery of how Britney Spears, a seasoned performer with many memorable faux-lesbian and python-related VMAs performances to her credit, came to prance across that Las Vegas stage as listlessly a past-her-prime, breakfast-shift stripper who'd just been shot in a fishnetted haunch with an elephant-grade tranquilizer dart, Page Six today consults a spy who claims to have the behind-the-scenes information about the much-discussed debacle. Spears' rehearsal session, it seems, was hampered by lateness, the tragic overriding of a wardrobe professional's costume choice, and, unsurprisingly, the refusal to perform any choreography that might result in the spillage of her precious pre-show cocktail:
To make matters worse, when she arrived in Vegas, Spears didn't go straight to rehearsals."She went to her hotel room and ordered a bunch of food and some frozen margaritas," the spy said. "She came down, like, an hour later with a frozen margarita in her hand." [...]
"The dance number was spectacular - without her," said our spy at rehearsal. "When the stand-in was rehearsing with the dancers, in the hours they were all waiting for her, it was amazing. Then Britney showed up and refused to do anything. The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn't going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn't do them."Meanwhile, Spears was agitated because she didn't like the outfit MTV had selected for her. "MTV wanted her to wear a corset outfit. It would have looked great and covered a lot of things up, but she hated it and didn't think it was sexy enough." Instead, Spears changed into a spangly bra-and-underwear outfit she'd brought with her that emphasized her weight gain over the last year.
MTV execs weren't the only ones worried about Spears' impending debacle. Another spy said, "The dancers were texting pals, asking them to pray for them. They were worried."
The most moving of those text-message pleas for divine intervention would come from the background dancer whose genitals were volunteered for the routine's perilous crotch-grabbing sequence, a thumb-typed prayer he offered directly to the Creator Himself after Spears' rough treatment of his manhood during the initial runthrough left him writhing in pain on the stage: "Pls god, let her not crush my junk. if i live thru this with my balls i promise 2 give up dancing and go back 2 law school. amen."
Comments
Take it from me, Brit...it's not the drinking before work; it's the quality of the work you do while drunk.
Some of us just have a gift for the lifestyle, I guess.
"It sounds as if Ms. Spears might be suffering from symptoms of bipolar disorder," said Dr. Ted Sez, who is not a doctor and does not treat Britney. "The drinking, compulsive eating and exhibitionism could all be ways of self-medicating out-of-whack brain chemistry, while the depression followed by all-night partying is a common sign of mood swings."
When told of his recommendation to treat her problem medically, Britney replied, "Yay! Pills!"
Not wearing a corset was a good decision. The constricting garment may cause the poor girl to regurgitate the cocktails she imbibed before her show.
Don't want that.
How realistic was the stand-in? Could she have been stuffed into the corset, slapped with a cheesy blonde wig, and passed as Britney in a pinch? Until I hear about how such alternatives were discussed, I refuse to believe MTV did all it could to mitigate the impending disaster.
@TedSez: I heart you.
Since it is unanimous now that her career is over, can we focus our efforts on destroying Kayne West next?
Back-up dancers making Britney look bad again...Federline's Revenge!!!
I don't know why everyone keeps calling this a train wreck. This is the most entertainment Brit has provided us with in years, and including the hanging out with Paris era.
I don't know about the rest of you, but she is way more entertaining to me now than she was five years ago. I can't help but wonder what she'll do next. On the other hand, this might be my life of suburban drudgery catching up with me. I have to take care of my kids, but vicariously through Brit I can be a bad mom who parties all night and ignores all responsibilities.
I look to see her ten years from now "coming to a gentlemen's club near you."
@TheStarterWife: A train wreck is highly entertaining, but all the wrong people make money on it. (As in, "not me".)
@GorgeousGeorge: I believe they used a sack of potatoes and a Lite Brite.
Get one of those bras with the gel sacs, empty them out and fill them with some kind of delicious beverage, run a tube around the back and up and out her little mike headset, and voila! Hands-free refresment!
Some kind of regulator which equalizes the drawdown from the tanks is necessary, or she may lose equilbrium and spin out of control.
I don't know, my expectations were appropriately set after I heard, "it's Britney, bitch" What was everyone else expecting?
@shag_carpet_bomb: Especially since she failed to lip-synch it -- the first two words of the song.
But her makeup was pretty!
@in_flyover_country: Five...
@Little Mintz Sunshine: This one is going straight into the snark hall of fame, my friend!
Ultimately, it's hard to have compassion for a trainwreck when the train insists on wrecking itself despite the best efforts of its costumers and choreographers and backup dancers to make it look good. But, yes, 10 out of 10 for nice makeup! That's the one of the two areas of life in which Brit is superior to Anna Nicole (unless Brit gets even more careless with Sean Preston, and then the ladies will be almost even in attributes of complete failure in life).
@TheStarterWife: Oh the Hanging-out-wid-Paris era is alive and well. They were seen out with da'diddy the night before the show...
@Little Mintz Sunshine: Best thing I've read in... forever!
Start a discussion:
Login with your username and password below. Or comment on this post via email.
Forgot your username or password? New User?