Really? She's going to the "I was just acting dumb" well again?

Didn't she use being dumb as an excuse in, like, POLICE TESTIMONY not that long ago?

IGod has removed the ass goiter & made the wonky eye to see!

It's a Paris miracle! God has removed the ass goiter & made the wonky eye to see!

God has removed the ass goiter & made the wonky eye to see

"Finding G-D" is easliy accomplished when one doesn't eat or sleep for days at a time. Ask any hardcore drug addict. Oh...

With all the problems to tackle in the world, God's wasting His time giving succor to Paris Hilton? He could choose to end the war in Iraq, cure cancer and AIDS, end poverty, or inspire our artists to bring great beauty to the world, but instead, Jehovah is preoccupied inspiring the great philosophical thoughts of latter-day prophet and playhouse-builder Paris Hilton?!

Team Satan!

Oh, yes, I was moved by this - straight to the toilet so I could throw up a

Oh, yes, I was moved by this - straight to the toilet so I could throw up my breakfast.

If she really wants to pull

Oh, yes, I was moved by this - straight to the toilet so I could throw up my breakfast.

If she really wants to pull this off, she should take a leaf out of Katie Holmes' book and buy the world a year's supply of Mrs. Beasley's

This clearly coached, clearly WaWa infused transcript warms my heart...if I had one.

My favorite quote: "I haven't looked in a mirror since I got here."

Because we all know that jails abound with mirrors which could be broken and the shards of glass used as weapons to facilitate yet another failed jailbreak by our favorite mid-range heiress. Praytell: what will she tell WaWa at the end of week two? She's leading a prayer group for the less fortunate (you know the millionairesses)?

It's times like these when I

@Xenu:

Hey; leave Jehovah out of this. 'Twas one of your minions who set her free in the first place. God's philosophy: one heiress at a time.

It's times like these when I wish Jack Ruby was still alive.

Paris finds God, God says, "oh, hi, yeah, let me call you right back, okay?"

Ahem...am I the only one having technical difficulties here? I swear I only hit "send" once.

@Xenu:
Hey; leave Jehovah out of this. 'Twas one of your minions who set her free in the first place. God's philosophy: one heiress at a time.

Besides, wouldn't all those other problems go away if we all just started taking our vitamins?

(apologize for any double posting....aaargh!!)

Paris playing ping pong is the perfect setup to a joke about her performing a Thai hooker act, but I just can't figure out how to word it correctly. She put it right there in the strike zone, but I just can't get the bat off my shoulder.

On second thought, forget the cupcakes.

Paris ought to work her first miracle by spontaneously combusting.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world she didn't exist.

@Xenu:

Yeah, dude. Celebrities get preferential treatment.

I just find it hard to believe she used the word "nor" in conversation.

@hypebreaker:

Ten bucks says that if she did, she'd turn out to be some sort of Phoenix (but not in the cool Jean Grey kind of way).

It appears that Paris has an received an offer to speak up on behalf of mentally ill inmates.

Step up to the plate, Paris. Or has that spiritual awakening thing gotten boring already?

@hypebreaker: for a minute there, I thought you were pulling a Sopranos ending on us all.

If she's got God now then I am giving up on God.

God is taking out his anger at Paris invoking His name on Gawker Media's comment platform...

OK - So, she's been back in jail for what, two or three days and she's already doing a Barbara Walters interview. Of course, I have to take Babs at her word and it's because she's a family friend. After all, viewers of The View isn't really Paris' demographic, but still, you've got to halfway admire the way she's keeping the publicity machine going, even while she's away.

(I predict it'll be another week, more or less, then we'll see Kathy on Larry King addressing the issue of preferential treatment.)

God is taking out his anger at Paris invoking His name on Gawker Media's comment platform.

@hypebreaker: Me too. Or maybe I'm tripping on a Paris OD.

You know, I was convinced that I was not going to feel badly for Paris until I heard that she was being forced to read the LA Times. Is it possible that some things are too cruel? Even for Paris Hilton?

And here I was, thinking how great it was that we wouldn't have to hear about this useless twat for 45 days. Thanks for fucking up my Paris vacation, Babs.

Friend to the friendless: Barbara Walters. By the way.

She's friends with Mel Gibson too, isn't she?

@wundergirl: Okay, folks, let's get this straight once and for all: Scientologists don't worship Xenu!

Xenu : Scientologists :: Satan : Christians.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Paris Hilton bashing.

I can't wait for the grand opening of the The Paris Hilton Center For Kids Who Can't Drive Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

And, wow, Star Jones looks great!

Atleast Martha waited until she got out of prison to hold her press conference...

I thought she wasn't supposed to do interviews while in jail? Or is it because it's a 'medical facility' that it doesn't count as jail? And how special is it that she's found God, realized her life has a special purpose ("The Jerk" anyone?), and wants to use her celebrity to bring attention to breast cancer and MS? The best part imo, is at the end when she states "I will never again drink...and drive."

Forgive me for my cynicism, but that 'transcript' sounds a little to edumacated for it to be in Paris' own words.

I find it hard to believe she found God after so little time. It's probably her dry skin pulling on her face.

@Xenu: Big difference here, Xenu. Hopefully the multitude wouldn't pick Satan over Christianity, but there are many, MANY who would pick you over the Scientologists. We love our Xenu!
Xenuites, unite!

This skank couldn't even graduate from high school. There is zero percent act in her dumb.

Nowaitaminnithere--

Friday: "It's not right! MOM!?"

Sunday: "I should stop acting dumb and get right with God." (Rough paraphrase. Do not care enough about real quote.)

My guess as to Saturday: big, soulful mama figure sat the child down and told her a heartwarming story about how she was once a wayward kid, but found the Lord on the inside. And then smacked her upside the head numerous times for being a little pampered tramp.

I don't care about the habeas petition now, or whether her lawyers drop a writ of mandamus on the Court's ass. It was a geeky lawyer thing to weigh whether this was a right move or not. Now: it has been, and therefore is, all worth it.

@LickyDisco: I have yet to name my new religion. Jenna Elfman suggested "Babyrapistry," but I don't think it has good chi. Rest assured, I'll keep my flock posted, and we promise to undercut whatever the prices of any wacky cult in town, be it Scientology, Eckankar, or Oprah Winfrey!

And Paris, if Jesus lets you down, and Madonna's too busy to get you into the Kabbalah Center's VIP Room, remember, I'm here for you, baby. Just please, have some Abreva on hand...

Those statements are awesome! PH has upgraded from the "humble penitant" stance issued by her publicist, to the Mother Theresa complex. And with that, she crossed the line.

Hear me out...

People right now, are so disgusted with her actions that she doesn't have any room left to screw up in the eyes of the public. So if she starts doing the all-night partying and selling her stupid records again(99% chance), it will underscore her false contrition and remind everyone of the spoiled and entitled little girl screaming for mommy because she can't handle 2 weeks in a cell. And they will resent her. And the final amount of public good-will will disappear. And she will be taunted and ridiculed with contempt instead of tolerance. And nobody will want to hire her or interview her because she doesn't attract the public anymore. And THEN she will have jumped the shark.

and then we won't comment about her anymore!

Can't wait until that American Idol fauxhawk dude gets caught barrelling thru a crowd of BH High kids waiting outside Area in a hotwired Escalade while doing lines of meth laid out up the thigh of a twelve-year-old TV hooker.

Cuz barring that, TMZ's pagehits is going to take such a tumble in the post-Paris epoch.

@Xenu: Such a giver, you are. How DO you do it?

@Xenu:
*tail between legs* I knew that...momentary lapse of comic judgment.

But I'm gonna have to say, it maybe difficult to come up with some snazzy catch phrases that will appeal to the masses. Jesus has tons. Xenu...doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. We've been trying to get "For the love of Xenu!" to catch on since the Scientologists handed out leaflets at the Malcolm X festival, to no avail.

But back to Paris....it was pretty much a given that soon after she found underwear, she would find (a non-denominational) God. Or at least her flacks would find him for her.

Wow, it's been a week (less one day) in the slammer and Paris has given up the dumb act, found God, read several books and newspapers, renounced her superficial ways and resolved to do good? To me that's an argument for keeping her locked up longer - she might be human by the time she gets out.

@LickyDisco: Meth. Lots of meth.

As I waited in line at the post office this morning, there was a report on NY1 (Time Warner Cable New York's local all-news channel) that when sister Nicky visited her over the weekend, she bypassed the four-hour-long (!) line that the little people had to wait in to see their incarcerated loved ones. True, Angelenos?

Hilarious! Pity none of this kept her arse out of jail...

She's going to have to do the time like anybodyelse - oh boohoo...

@Xenu: Yes, Xenu. But Defamer commenters worship Xenu.

Also, God hates this comment thread, apparently.

yo gawd, wassup pop? itz me pariss. hrd les sloan zelnk ddnt heads up u re babawawa anncmnt 2day. :( bout dat. not. tryn 2 pray lk i prmzed but herpes w/drwl frm X killin me. thought u fxng??? wtfg???dont wnt 2 get othr gawd lk buddhaa, zenu but if u cnt tk care o me, i'll go 2 othr. cruz # on my celly jst so u no. keep fckn w/lilo, brit & nikritch lk u prmzed & mayB weitzmn & u cn wrk sumthin out lk all my othr beyotches. JK big daddy. not. oh, gimme ++ blnkts 2. luv ya.p.

@raincoaster: Hopefully Paris will pray for us.