It may not contain that promised footage of Angelina Jolie smoking heroin, but the rumored “drug tape” featuring the future mother-of-six has been released by a British tabloid. And while Jolie herself isn’t filmed doing any drugs, she doesn't appear to need any, as she spends a good two minutes babbling about how S&M has spiritually changed her life. As her anonymous junkie friend casually smokes heroin next to her, Angelina talks nonstop as though the shady characters huddled nearby are licensed therapists. How seeing her baby lizard left in the sun changed her life, and why she is just so tired of explaining to people that sadomasochism is not just about accessories but about healing, after the jump.

On the tape (viewable here), Jolie emotionally explains to an unseen male how being tied down by somebody else isn't all about nipple clamps and "dripping candle wax," but something she's considering making a film about because it comes from "that real, real place." After tears rise up in her eyes just thinking about people who "share" their wildly varying sexuality with the world, the meandering conversation wanders to second-degree lizardslaughter. Jolie recalls being "a bad girl – beating up my friends," and admits she still feels guilty after killing off a few childhood pets — one of which was a hamster she decided to take a shower with. Despite the young Jolie's presumably innocent attempt to "heal" the pet by cleansing it in the nude, the rodent caught pneumonia. We just hope Zahara doesn't catch wind of this tape anytime soon and take vigilant notes on how next to take down Shiloh and her precious lips.

• FROM HEROIN TO HEROINE [The Sun]