Defamer
At this point in Jessica Simpson’s sad, sad career, it’s become clear that her only chance of making headlines is by sleeping with a new guy, getting dumped by that new guy, or whining over one of the many guys who’ve dumped and/or slept with her. As we learned this week, her most recent conquest — QB Tony Romo, who Jessica called “her future husband” in Glamour’s March issue before admitting that “this article could come out and Tony and I could be broken up” — rid himself of the Game Day Curse just as her ex-fling John Mayer was popping up all over the weeklies swapping spit with Jennifer Aniston and her fembot nips. Naturally, Jessica reacted by drinking herself silly and, we presume, making several late-night calls to her Dadager, Papa Joe, requesting her next romantic PR stunt stat. So the question is: which lucky bachelors will Joe pay off set her up with this time to guarantee continuous coverage of his darling daughter? Our suggestions, after the jump.
Chase Crawford: Very worthy choice. Couple those gay rumors with his preference for blonde beards from the South, and it's a magic match in PR heaven.
Owen Wilson: Also a wise decision, though Joe would break the bank nabbing the Stallion. Also a blonde fan, Wilson is currently on the lookout for a Kate Hudson replacement and, if Jess is lucky, Wilson will relapse weeks into their depressing union, ensuring her distressed mug appears in the press for weeks.
Pete Wentz: Easy access, for sure. Both incestuous and sensational, Joe could always find a baby from whichever celebrity adoption agency delivered Suri Cruise to TomKat, and claim Pete is the father to not one, but both of his toothy princesses.
Sam Ronson: Sam is always available for the part of wingwoman, and the fits Lindsay would cause in the press would go on for months.
[Photo credits: Getty, Wireimage]
Comments
You left out Joe Simpson's most obvious choice to be Jessica Simpson's next bed partner:
Joe Simpson.
Hahahaha. I think I might actually pay to see Linds give a beat down on Jess.
It's about that time in her career where she dates a reality TV star (after all, she's had some practice screwing up her marriage with reality TV - may this will reverse the effect) . Are any of the DWTS cast single? or atraight (Joe won't care).
Orlando Bloom. Five bucks. Who'll take me on?
It's hard to cut your parents loose, especially since they seem to be her primary support system. The dad's a lost cause (sleazy, greedy, delusional). I think someone needs to kick the mom in the teeth for not hosing papa down years ago.
As for the sequel, I choose an unknown wealthy businessman in search of a trophy wife. Someone who'll tell the dad to go to hell in short order.
Please remind me why this girl is still famous? How many bad movies does she have to make before Hollywood kicks her to the curb?
@chijen: there is an unusually high tolerance for actors being in a string of bad movies nowadays. just ask will ferrell and adam sandler
what about some daddy-type angle.. like Bruce Willis.. then they can wrangle over the vestages of her career - and influence.. Daddy versus pseudo-daddy... and all the dark secrets can come out.
Jessica & Clay Aiken(on some level in some form)
The thing that fascinates me about Papa Joe is that he used to be a Baptist minister here in Texas. Someday I would love to see an interview in which he explains how whoring out his daughters aligns with his 'faith'.
I'm most definitely NOT a fan of Jessica, but I think her best bet right now would be to disappear for a year or so, do some unexpected work, and then reappear with a new image and sans her creepy dad.
@Stephanies: Having men of the cloth in the family and knowing quite a few preachers, Papa Joe's hypocrisy and greed seem like standard behavior to me. And don't even get me started on the priests...
Next up, a country music singer. They're reformed bad boys, they say "ma'am" a lot, will call you "my lady", strum a nice geetar, want a "herd" of kids and appeal to those marginally retarded folks in those states out there east of the 909. Sure, they'll hit ya a few times but you deserved it. And they'll always take ya back.
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