We drank too much last night as usual, blacking out and then awaking from the strangest dream in a cold sweat: Werner Herzog was in New York remaking Abel Ferrara's infamous, NC-17-rated 1992 cop drama Bad Lieutenant and arguing with his star — Nicolas Cage of all people! — about the most tasteful way to replicate Harvey Keitel's full-frontal nude scene from the original film. Cage wanted a stunt penis, but Herzog, in his stern Bavarian accent, scolded Cage repeatedly: "No, no, no, Nic. That is cowardly and stupid. If Kinski were here..." At which point noted schlock producer Avi Lerner showed up out of nowhere to intercede on his director's behalf, reminding Cage that if Jason Segel could do it, then an Oscar winner could as well — ratings be damned.

So imagine our shock, surprise and revulsion this morning as our bleary eyes first browsed Variety:

Nicolas Cage will star in an updated version of 1992's Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog directing, Edward R. Pressman producing and Avi Lerner's Nu Image/Millennium Films financing.

Project, also called Bad Lieutenant, is due to be announced at Cannes. Production will start in late summer.

You cannot — or perhaps should not — make this stuff up. Either way, as God is our witness, we will never... drink... again.

Nic Cage to star in 'Bad Lieutenant' [Variety]

9:15 AM on Wed May 14 2008
By STV
2,238 views
23 comments

Comments

ortholomeux at 09:47 AM on 05/14/08
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oh come ON.
Mel Gibstein at 09:51 AM on 05/14/08
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As great as it would be to see Nic Cage jacking off to a couple girls and asking them to "show me how you suck a cock?", this is something that should never EVER happen.
Cam/ron at 09:54 AM on 05/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 74

I always wanted to see Cage do some rails to a techno beat.
CourageousCoward at 10:09 AM on 05/14/08
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Connectedness Index: 62

We're mining the '90's for remakes?! Hey everybody, I hear Uwe Boll is remaking that classic, Transformers. You know, from way back in '07?
Juancho at 10:13 AM on 05/14/08
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@CourageousCoward: I hear the Pulp Fiction rights are available. Ratner is interested.
Lala11_7 at 10:15 AM on 05/14/08
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You are fucking kidding me...

RIGHT?!?!

I mean...(crying out to the skies)...

WHY?!?!?!?

Is Hollywood so bereft of original ideals that it has to remake a movie that was hard to take the first time around???

For love of everything that is holy...

WHY?!?!
jasonelias at 10:27 AM on 05/14/08
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What they going to call it?

The Bad Lieutenant in Africa
The Bad Lieutenant: Weekend at Bernie's 2
The Worst Lieutenant
alexarch at 10:36 AM on 05/14/08
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Dear Defamer:

Usually it's easy to discern where the snark ends and the facts begin.

It's very, very, very important to me to know about the reality regarding stories of genitalia. So, your (fictional?) account of Herzog's and Cage's discussion of Cage's wiener has got me knotted up.

Please confirm that that story is indeed fiction. Otherwise, my day cannot continue. I will assume a slack-jawed stare into the middle distance until 5:30.

Thank you,
Alex
alexarch at 10:41 AM on 05/14/08
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Nevermind. I'm stupid. I didn't read carefully enough.

But seriously. Wiener. Tee-hee.
NoGrumpys at 10:49 AM on 05/14/08
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I happened to see Nic's penis on the set of Valley Girl in the early '80s and its not half bad - just very hairy
el smrtmnky at 10:59 AM on 05/14/08
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@NoGrumpys: did it also form a 'V' like his chest down there?
WasatchMan at 11:09 AM on 05/14/08
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Herzog? Cage?! This news makes me almost insane with happiness.
Tiger_Tanaka at 11:25 AM on 05/14/08
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Congratulations, you all drank so much, you transported to an alternate reality of even worse film ideas, AND TOOK US WITH YOU. Brilliant.
NoGrumpys at 11:56 AM on 05/14/08
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@el smrtmnky:
no - full and bushy. Pubic manscaping didn't hit its stride until the early '90
Little Mintz Sunshine at 12:08 PM on 05/14/08
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@jasonelias: The Bald Lieutenant

But relax, people. Substituting "crank" for "coke" and inserting a few Viagra references will make this film feel as fresh as the morning dew.
Cacafuego at 01:54 PM on 05/14/08
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Too bad Kinski's dead. He'd be PERFECT.
jasonelias at 02:25 PM on 05/14/08
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@Little Mintz Sunshine: Yeah a new soundtrack with Timbaland and whoever would bring this up to speed. I hope no one thinks this idea isn't anything but repugnant.
gwendolyn at 03:45 PM on 05/14/08
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I saw BL when it came out and I was moderately entertained but I wouldn't bother to sit through it again and, as I recall, it didn't really put many butts in the seats.

So why, when we all know the the collective intelligence quotient of this country has experienced a steep decline, would you remake an art house movie that was rated NC-17 and didn't make much, if any, money?

And why would you make or remake ANY movie with Nic Cage. He makes my skin crawl and he willingly worked with Elisabeth Shue, who is truly the performer I loath most in the universe...
Sleepyhead at 04:17 PM on 05/14/08
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@gwendolyn: Please do tell why you hate Shue so much? She's adorable in the forthcoming (intermittently funny) Hamlet 2.

I went on a Abel Ferrara kick in the 90's and I think Bad Lieutenant is a grimy, hollow, depressing masterpiece (see what I did there?). But yeah, it was barely released and made no money. Is it somehow beloved solely in a circle of producers and un-choosy actors?
Shadowy Figure at 05:11 PM on 05/14/08
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I'm just upset Herzog is remaking something, period.
Passwordforgetter at 07:47 PM on 05/14/08
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@jasonelias: I'm thinking either "The Badder Lieutenant" or "The Shitty Bad Lieutenant". You know, like The Shitty Beatles ?
EliCross at 09:12 AM on 05/15/08
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I'm partial to "Bad Lieutenant 2: Electric Boogaloo."
BIG WHEEL at 09:24 AM on 05/15/08
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I saw The Bad Lieutenant when I was like 12 BECAUSE it was NC-17. Very traumatic...