We've already made our case for why the Wachowskis' overstuffed Gran Turismo-on-Salvia fever dream and Kutcher and Diaz's feature-length sexual-health instructional film will likely limp their way across the box office finish line this Monday. But that still leaves filmgoers with a taxing dilemma: Which of the two movies would they rather see less? Clocking in nearly neck-and-neck in their bottom-of-the-class Tomatometer scores, it's anyone's race. Perhaps mainstream film critics—and the pun-loving headline writers who really sell the bile—can help you decide:

Speed Racer
· Just a drag 'Racer' [LAT]
· Great fun, if you like watching video games [Globe and Mail (sub. req'd.)]
· 'Speed Racer' stalls at the starting line [Detroit Free Press]
· 'Speed Racer' spins by screen at nauseating, wearing pace [Salt Lake Tribune]
· 'Speed Racer': Take a Detour [WashPo]
· 'Speed Racer' limps around the track [USA Today]
· A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness [London Times Online]

What Happens in Vegas
·Insults, but no jackpot in 'Vegas' [EW]
·'What Happens in Vegas' is nothing to write home about [Kalamazoo Gazette]
· Not buying this Vegas line, or even the odd couple of losers [Union Tribune]
·There is no escape in 'Vegas' and not much comedy, either [signonsandiego.com]
·Wedded miss in new Kutcher, Diaz comedy [suntimes.com]
·Shoulda Stayed in Vegas [Winnipeg Sun]
·What happens? You don't want to know [CanWest]
·'What Happens in Vegas' feels like a losing streak [USA Today]

10:45 AM on Fri May 9 2008
By Seth
874 views
10 comments

Comments

ElvinaBravo at 11:07 AM on 05/09/08
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Comment on 'Racer' Vs. 'Vegas': Which Would You More Rather Skip To See 'Iron Man?' Dude - get it together! How old is your rotten Tomato thing. Speed is now @ 35% and ahead of Vegas bitch!
Sweet Panda Love at 11:21 AM on 05/09/08
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Connectedness Index: 253

With such wit, why are so many print venues axing their critics? Whom shall lob the rotten tomatoes if not them?
Shumina at 11:38 AM on 05/09/08
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RT is a great litmus test when one wants to read the wit that shows up there to slam the bad and sing the bodacious, but never would I judge my future enjoyment on the casting of its oft overripened fruits.
nojo at 11:40 AM on 05/09/08
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Connectedness Index: 62

Please accept this invitation to share my pain:

DICK BANGER! DICK BANGER! DICK BANGER!

Thank you. Misery is best with friends.
NoGrumpys at 11:49 AM on 05/09/08
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If Speed Racer would have opted for a R rating they could have had Racer XXX
WGARefugee at 11:52 AM on 05/09/08
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I take back everything I ever said about a graduate degree in English Lit being worthless--thank god for Defamer and Defamer commenters. I read more well-written gems here than on any other media blogs--even Gawker ones.
CourageousCoward at 11:58 AM on 05/09/08
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Connectedness Index: 62

"A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness"

Did Mike Darnell write that headline?!
$Image of Evil Tortie\'s Mom$ Evil Tortie's Mom at 01:47 PM on 05/09/08
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I noticed that at least 4 of the RT review pull quotes prominently featured the word "Skittles".
CrankYank at 02:08 PM on 05/09/08
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Connectedness Index: 91

Speed Racer, but only if illegal drugs are involved.

I now ask Sweet Panda Love and Shumina to rephrase this post poetically.
BrandonGK at 02:28 PM on 05/09/08
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When deciding to go see "Speed Racer" or "What Happens in Vegas" The obvious answer is of course Iron Man, again if that's the case.