Thank God that the threat of an Anthony Pellicano mistrial came and went without fruition; not only would we have faced the indignity of another star parade of scowling, snail-trailing movers and shakers filing to the witness stand, but we would have missed out on the performance art of Pellicano's closing argument, relayed second-hand today by tireless Huffington Post correspondent Allison Hope Weiner:

And then, there were his final comments to the jury—probably the most entertaining final close that I've ever heard. "Mr. Pellicano refuses to insult your intelligence," he said of himself. "Mr. Pellicano told you that the evidence will show what the evidence shows and it clearly does." ...

Finally, he had one last thought for the jury. "Mr. Pellicano had instructed me not to stand up here and try to sway you, and you know that people do what Mr. Pellicano says," he argued, prompting the judge to cover her face with her hand to conceal her laughter. ""So, I'm going to do what Mr. Pellicano says." And with that, he thanked the jury for their service and walked over to his chair with a big smile on his face.

The only thing that could improve this episode is to imagine a sign-language interpreter struggling to keep up with the defendant's court-mandated self-referentiality, stabbing repeatedly at her chest while Pellicano speeds up his third-person hijinks. Alas, the resultant injuries would force yet another criminal trial for the disgraced detective, thus launching an endless cycle of self-defense from which Weiner and the rest of a tired Hollywood would likely never extract themselves. We will not miss Pellicano when he inevitably shuffles upriver, but we can't help but appreciate the glints of dark humor his downfall has brought to our lives. Thanks a million, Pelican. Now get the fuck out of here.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Pellicano Delivers Own (Hysterical) Closing Arguments [HuffPo]