Defamer
Our dissatisfaction at Friday's news that Guillermo del Toro would inherit the Hobbit reins from Peter Jackson met with a mix of scorn and curiosity over the weekend. "Pony up an alternative, Cochise," wrote a commenter. "Destroy those two GENIUSES and all we will be left with is Lucas and Spielberg. And that is not a world I wish to live in." Us neither! That said, if the Laws of Hollywood Franchises dictate that this goddamned movie must exist, we can think of at least five talented directors off the tops of our heads whom we'd prefer over del Toro, Jackson or any of the other usual fanboy fantasy suspects. Tell us your own ideal hires after the jump.
1. Alfonso Cuaron. Del Toro's close friend and (with del Toro and Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu) one of the "Three Amigos" conveniently packaged by American press in 2006, Cuaron was Warner Bros.' surprising pick to helm 2004's Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. But his indie chops came in handy in both humanizing the franchise and positioning it more dynamically against Chris Columbus and Mike Newell's entries that sandwiched it. He's a versatile guy who gets the marketplace but isn't beholden to genre interests; in that way, his similarities to Jackson, who jumped from graphic B-horror comedies like Bad Taste to Heavenly Creatures to LOTR, are almost uncanny. Also, he's just a better director than del Toro; Cuaron could have made Pan's Labyrinth in his sleep, but del Toro couldn't have touched Children of Men.
2. Neil Jordan. Another guy with tons of range, the Crying Game/Michael Collins filmmaker is also a grossly underrated craftsman who could save everyone a lot of time and money by shooting both Hobbit films over about four months in Ireland. Alas, Jackson would likely object to the requisite IRA subplot in which Bilbo Baggins is sidelined indefinitely by injuries sustained in a car bombing.
3. David Lynch. A natural short-lister for any film involving midgets. Plus we all know how well his previous would-be fantasy franchise went.
4. Woody Allen. While it's true that Allen has returned from his four-year European exile with a new project featuring Larry David and Evan Rachel Wood, he has made little secret of his availability to the highest overseas bidder. With this in mind, and seeing as Middle Earth's brow-furrowed humorlessness is perhaps its most annoying attribute, we'd like to see Allen invited to New Zealand for a comic run through Baggins' deeply embedded neuroses — not the least of which is his underage shiksa love interest, played by saucy new Disney cast-off Miley Cyrus.
5. Uwe Boll. Why not? He is the only genius in the whole fucking business.
Comments
No way - give The Hobbit to Terry Gilliam. At the very least it would be a spectacular disaster!
Neil Jordan would mean an obligatory role by Stephen Rea, which is fine with me.
I say Atom Egoyan or Jane Campion. That way the film is sure to look good and leave everyone emotionally isolated; true Oscar bait.
Why can't they just release this and call it a day?
The Coens, man. The dwarf abides.
When did Defamer become that asshole film major smoking in the corner of the party saying "I could have made 'Pan's Labyrinth' in my sleep"?? You kids are much cooler than me, apparently.
The greatest adventure is what lies ahead...
Pardon me.
I would vote for Cuaron to direct every movie ever. But why waste his talent on The Hobbit? It's already got the style and the reverence for the source material set, there's not much for del Toro to do, really.
And I whole-heartedly agree on Pan v. CoM. Amen.
Also, I would like to vote now for casting Simon Russell Beale as Bilbo.
My choices, in order of preference:
Billy Wilder, John Huston, William Wyler, Samuel Fuller, Cecil B. DeMille, Edgar Ulmer, Nicolas Ray... (I trust you see where I am going with this)
Even dead I wouldn't trust John Huston to behave himself with the Hobbits.
@OldTowneTavern: How on earth is involving Atom Egoyan going to make a film look good? Especially with Paul Sarossy shooting it, it would have all the visual panache of a third-year student film.
And be emotionally dead.
Who should play Wonder Woman, Defamer? Also, seeing the Octopus's face in The Spirit - good move or raping of source material?
Us fanboys need your guidance.
I say Boll. This time, Bilbo's Dragon is in fact Harry Knowles caught outside the Drafthouse.
Peter Weir
George Miller
Julie Taymor
Tarsem Singh
@juniperjenny: I think what we said was that Alfonso Cuaron could direct Pan's Labyrinth in his sleep.
That said, we probably could do it ourselves, though I'm afraid we'd need to be awake.
By the time this film gets made and released, it's audience will have grown up and moved on. Please put the kibosh on this thing right now. You will thank me, and Defamer too.
"The Hobbit... a Bay/Bruckheimer production".
As a fanof the book I have to say CoM sucked really really really hard.
But ditto on the Coens.
David Lynch has the coolest head ever.
@thrillwill: Shut your mouth!
Come on, there's only one qualified person. And he could do it from a Hobbit perspective: Danny DeVito!
If Woody Allen sleeps with his Hobbit daughter, is that a crime?
I am only one man.
But I am HOBBITED OUT!
I think this is the most unnecessary film idea of all time. There is like, what? TWELVE hours of hobbit shit out there and it was as good as anyone could have dared hoped for. This will be an off pitch, awkward footnote to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Peace yo!
John Hughes, I'm looking at you! The Hobbit is your comeback movie if I ever saw one! And PLEASE put Judd Nelson in there for kicks.
1.Uwe Boll
2. Courtney Solomon
3. David Schwimmer
@mattymcd: Oooh, now that's a thought.
Can't we let Ralph Bakshi try again?
Can Woody Allen do heavy special effects movies or is that a joke? If he wrote it too we'd have a neurotic hobbit that is confused about his life and than have a secret love twist. Wait, I think I now see why you'd want him to direct it.
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