There's been much to-do over the last day about Peter Jackson's hiring of Guillermo del Toro to direct the two-part Lord of the Rings prequel The Hobbit. Among our favorite dissenting opinions belongs to Salon critic Andrew O'Hehir, who pulls out his Cannes '06 interview notebook to look up del Toro's sentiment at the time: "I was never into heroic fantasy. At all. I don't like little guys and dragons, hairy feet, hobbits — I've never been into that at all. I don't like sword and sorcery, I hate all that stuff." Our sister blog Gawker doesn't like del Toro's selection either, but we're optimistic this is a perfect match for everyone because The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, J.R.R. Tolkien and Guillermo del Toro all fucking suck. Does it really matter which A-list fantasy/horror fanboy with $300 million of Warner Bros.' money and Jackson's imprimatur is going to spend four years jacking off behind a camera in New Zealand? It's going to be unwatchable. Not only that, but didn't Jackson make this movie three times already? Here's our exclusive script excerpt: "EXT. FOREST — DAY. Bilbo Baggins furrows his brow. Visual effects and soundtrack happen. INT. CASTLE — NIGHT. Ian McKellen cameo. More effects. EXT. FOREST — DAY. The end." It's a hit! [Salon]

4:50 PM on Fri Apr 25 2008
By STV
2,786 views
15 comments

Comments

LoveHandles at 06:14 PM on 04/25/08
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I'm jacking off behind a camera right now. Err, shit, I'm in front of one. Damnit.
Glass_Family at 06:45 PM on 04/25/08
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Wells got to you, didn't he!
HappyBlues at 07:01 PM on 04/25/08
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What else is Peter Jackson going to do? He's got warehouses stuffed to the rafters with hobbit ears and feet! It's called fiscal responsibility.
Monsieur.Mind at 08:02 PM on 04/25/08
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Well at least we'll get some cool songs out of it. I can finally retire my Rankin Bass CD.
Reason at 09:36 PM on 04/25/08
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Oh STV, if only the LOTR movies had been that concise! I fell asleep in both of the first two movies, and couldn't find a reason to punish myself by trying to sit through the third. The best one sentence review that I heard was, "They just kept killing orcs."

I'm glad someone else is willing to tell the truth about these interminable snoozers.
nick_r at 12:01 AM on 04/26/08
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@Reason: Yeah, really takes some guts to admit you hate the same franchise that the rest of the Pitchfork/Village Voice-fluffing community hates.
Cultmember at 01:43 AM on 04/26/08
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I thought Del Toro was gonna do "At the Mountains of Madness" instead.
mcgeorge at 02:20 PM on 04/26/08
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I hate everything!!! I'm going to my room! Mom, don't even call me for dinner, not even if we're having POT PIE!! (Slam!).
hummingpenguin at 03:52 PM on 04/26/08
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@nick_r: "yeah, you know, those movies are so, like, soulless and corporate. anyway, i'm going to go smoke a marlboro."
StevieRayHalen at 09:55 PM on 04/26/08
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sweet,
Mexican Hobbits and more subtitles.
can't wait.
Victor Ward at 11:11 AM on 04/27/08
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They should really get Almodovar to direct. The main reason is that I seriously believe he is a genius.

The other reason is that a drag queen hobbit falling in love with Antonio Banderas whilst stalking his childhood priest, who happens to be a nudist now, who happens to be played by Gael Garcia Bernal, who has a drug habit and falls asleep at unfortunate times - would be amazing!
moondawg9 at 09:54 PM on 04/27/08
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The joke in "The Princess Bride" (the novel) where the father is reading his son the "good parts version" so as to leave out all of the "boring historical fiction" is most likely a thinly veiled satire of a Tolkien book.

The LOTR film trilogy is Peter Jackson's "good parts version" and really an addition to his catalogue of Zombie/Puppet horror films . . .

Which is EXACTLY what Del Toro has made his bread and butter, as well.

But, really, if you think Jackson and Del Toro suck; who is left in terms of mainstream action/fantasy?

Pony up an alternative, Cochise. Destroy those two GENIUSES and all we will be left with is Lucas and Spielberg. And that is not a world I wish to live in.

Or we could all just go see "Speed Racer" on opening day.
Legowombat at 01:17 AM on 04/28/08
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I can't stand LOTR Fanboys *or* Pitchfork Hipsters. Do i win a prize?

BTW Reason, the third film is like the other two: anything something dramatic happens, the sound drops out, the bombastic music comes up, then someone mouths the words 'Frooo...dooooo...' in slow motion. The last 30 minutes are like wading through molasses.
Benovite at 09:09 AM on 04/28/08
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STV you forgot a few things;

EXT. FOREST - DAY.
Bilbo Baggins furrows his brow. His eyes begin to well up with tears.

Visual effects and soundtrack happen.

INT. CASTLE - NIGHT.
Ian McKellen cameo with his eyes filled with tears.

More effects.

EXT. FOREST - DAY.
The trees dance with tears in their eyes.

The end.
Homage at 02:47 PM on 04/28/08
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I too hate these fucking hobbit movies and Gollum De Torso or whatever the fuck his name is, and thus am happy to have found a community of like-minded individuals and/or Pitchfork readers.