You've got to wake up puh-retty early in the morning to pull a fast one past the celebrity blogging community, Ashton Kutcher. At least that's what approximately 1200 gossip bloggers were saying today when faced with photos of The Hills supporting ho Audrina Patridge getting some tasty new ink at a Hollywood tattoo parlor. According to OK! magazine, the mystic Chinese phraseology she had etched into her forearm and then paraded, still-oozing, around high-density local paparazzi zones, translates loosely as, "The rice is fried in pork fat." (We throw it open to our Chinese-tattoo-translating readership for a more accurate interpretation.)

Something so outlandish seemed almost certainly the handiwork of Kutcher's merry band of paparazzi punksters at E!'s Pop Fiction, who have ably proven the pranking damage they can reap with their already classic "Eva Longoria receives a ring from non-boyfriend Mario Lopez" episode. (Boy were our faces red!) Still, we think it would be foolish to underestimate Ashton's wily abilities, to say nothing of overestimating Patridge's celebrity status. No, bloggers: We're sorry to disappoint, but that tattoo is 100% real—and highly, highly infectious. All will be revealed on next week's Style Network premiere of Nick Carter's Punk Fiction, a sort of meta-Pop Fiction, in which Z-list famepires will subject themselves to extreme body modifications and life-threatening scenarios in the hopes that someone—anyone—will notice them. And if you think that's good, wait until episode two, when The Bachelor's Shayne Lamas saws off her own leg!

• Audrina Fries Her Rice in Pork Fat [OK!]