Are you living in Shermer, Illinois, which (like Brigadoon) appears once every twenty years in the mists rolling off of Lake Michigan to reveal a magical land of eternal adolescence and fiery-haired Ringwaldish maidens?

Mr. Hughes: Why the vanishing act? And have you been writing in private, Salinger-Style? And what of the reported Bueller sequel?

When will Mary Stuart Masterson's band from Some Kind of Wonderful be performing in the Los Angeles area?

FOLLOW-UP: Was she the only person in that band?

John, fuck/marry/kill: Maid in Manhattan, Bethoven's 5th, Drillbit Taylor?

@metroville: And why exactly is a butch drummer girl in love with a boy, and interested in diamond earrings? Is Watts maybe actually a gay dude?

Ferris Bueller - high school senior.
Breakfast Club - teenagers.
Home Alone - small child.
Baby's Day Out - infant.

Do you have any unproduced scripts about the hilarious hijinks of a zygote left alone for a day?

dear john,

as ice-t wondered aloud to carrot top, where do i fucking start? when you first heard bart simpson invite someone to eat his shorts, did you and judd nelson contemplate bringing suit, or did you collapse into each others arms, weeping, and wondering how two grown men could, collectively and separately, suck so hard?

ok, enough with trying to sugarcoat this. i've been seeing someone else -- ok, many people -- for over 20 years and none of them suck as hard as you. or judd nelson. or frank whaley in career opportunities. or fill in the seemingly countless blanks.

forget your films -- until this empty spot in the news cycle you have inexplicably filled, i know i had. you are now, and will ever be, the worst writer for national lampoon. ever. that's right, worse than gilbert gottfried or any other dipshit from the, um, memorable tim matheson period. obama has rev. wright, and you have the fucking vacation films. and worse. so very much worse.

john, it's not me, it's you. last question -- please stay retired forever? thanks in advance. sincerely, professor jones

Can you send a secret transmission to our decoder rings once you put something out that's worth seeing?

To which character did you relate the most?
Were you heavily involved in the music selection?
Where can I find Molly Ringwald's boots from The Breakfast Club?

I'd really like to know why he didn't cast me as one of the girls on the parade float in 'Ferris Beuller's Day Off'. I was in the casting agency office with 2 tall blondes (I'm a brunet, on the shorter side)-I'm sure that didn't help me. But when he outlined what would happen in the scene (Ferris hijacks the float, grabs the mike and launches into 'Danke Schoen') I was the only one who laughed! The other girls were like, 'wha??'. I was totally giggling with Mr. Hughes--'OMG, like Wayne Newton, brilliant...' etc. We totally shared a moment, I thought.

I've never been able to watch that movie all the way through, it chapped my ass so bad to get passed over.

But hey, thanks for the tryout Mr. Hughes. Even though you weren't wearing shoes in the office. Ewww.

John, any thoughts on Apatow?

Two questions for the master:

1. Did you deliberately seek out a Matt Dillon look-alike for Sixteen Candles in order to win at bar trivia for the next twenty years?

2. Did my mother pay you to cast Molly Ringwald in so many movies, thereby proving her theory that attractiveness is frequently just a matter of expensive grooming?

Anthony Michael Hall - hot or not?

have you considered opening up a homely girls helpline from the comfort and security of your home?

this way you could continue to stay out of the film business while still assuring us that one day that really cute boy at school is going to spontaneously pick us up from church or take us to prom despite teenage social hierarchies.

Why no soundtrack album for FBDO?

When you worked at Leo Burnett in Chicago, what ad campaigns did you write?

Noah Baumbach - would you have him executed, or just sentenced to life without access to cameras?

Dear Mr. Hughes,

Why does nobody write movies like yours anymore? Somehow every character in every teen movie these days is like a less interesting, less funny version of the nerds from sixteen candles, who were great as part of an ensemble, but are currently ruining teen comedy. Does this bother you at all? It really bothers me. Where are the brains, athletes, princesses, basket cases and criminals? Where are Cameron and Ferris and Sloan? Why is the loud mouthed fat kid from Superbad in every movie when he wasn't even funny the first time?

I feel movies these days do nothing but make fun of young people... diminishing them as having nothing to say... mocking them at every opportunity. But you never did that. Ever. Even at your most broad you always made movies that stood up for us. That laughed with us instead of at us.

All that's gone now...

You are amongst my favorite filmmakers. You always will be. Your films will always be such a special part of my time growing up, and as many times as I've already watched them, I know I'll watch them many, many more. And I can thank you for that without feeling like that's an absurd thing to do, because I genuinely believe you were making them FOR us -- and not just in order to sell them TO us.

I don't know why you left. I'm sure you have excellent reasons. I do know that the movie business sure can suck at even the best of times... but without guys like you, so do the movies themselves. And that makes me sad. So, if it's even at all possible...

...Please come back.

Sincerely yours,
The Breakfast Club (Lifelong member).

So... less of a question than a love letter?

Part I. True or False

1. You and Peter Billingsley - separated at birth?
(T or F)

Part 1. True or False

2. Broward Community College (FL) has adjacent buildings: The (Robert E.) Ferris Center and the Buehler Planetarium - coincidence?

(T or F)

Do the works of Kevin Smith show loving devotion or cynical exploitation?

Part II. Essay Questions

1. What is it with you and Yello? (No, that's not a typo. The band, not the color.)

Part II. Essay Questions

2. Everyone says your stories are set in the fictional town of Schermer, IL. Wasn't Northbrook, IL originally called Schermerville?

Part II. Essay Questions

3. How does it feel to be referenced continuously on "Gilmore Girls?"

If anyone lives in the good state of Illinois, in the Lake County area, I may have a proper address. At the very least we can deliver this to his accountant.

Does Tom Bosley know you raid his wardrobe... and his apppearance?

@Glass_Family: Nice BC reference, but I would have went with "Mr. Rogers."

@Guadalahonky: Or his parents. Or his son. I am a MACHINE.

would have "gone." Damn ebonics!

first time questioner, long time fan:

what musical groups or solo artist would you choose to work with at this moment?

kthxbai!1!!

Why the hell would he want to come back to a public that both idolizes and despises him? If these questions are any indication as to the temperature of his fanbase, the man is right for shunning us all.
Shunning us all!

Please- Please- Please, John Hughes! This has been plaguing me since my teens:

Pretty in Pink:

What in the world was wrong with Andrew McCarthy's hair in the final parking lot scene? Was that a wig?

Was writing Weird Science the best two days of your life?

'Cause it is like the greatest movie like EVER!

All the "American Pies" can go suck it!!

You and Mr. Hall rule the universe!

I know you are in hiding so you can devote all of your time to writing the UTILMATE sequel to Weird Science. Seven or more years will be worth the wait!!

@lolacat:

When the ending was re-shot, all of the principal actors had to be called back. Andrew McCarthy had already lost a substantial amount of weight and shaved his head for a new role in a New York play called "The Boys of Winter". Although he wore an auburn wig, he's noticeably more gaunt in the re-shot scenes.

Ah, John Hughes, I remember your big visit to the production office on the film you were co-producing. We had to have a fresh pack of Carlton cigarettes and a box of Precise V2 Black ink pens in every room. EVERY ROOM. EVERY SINGLE ROOM WITHOUT FAIL. To not have them would be a bad, bad thing, according to your harried, terrified staff. You arrived, you smoked (thanks for asking), you wrote stuff down (double whew), you muttered, you left. Two days later, you pulled your staff out, and I thought then, as I do now: what a total fucking nutter.

Did you really quit directing because of your disappointment with the performance of the classic motion picture, Curly Sue?

"Every damn night??"

That nightclub scene from Weird Science is fanfuckingtastic.

Do you understand you ruined any chance of me finding high school happiness with a boyfriend that could measure up to Jake Ryan? On a scale of 1-10 (with "1" being "Maid in Manhattan" and "10" being "16 Candles", just how badly do you feel about that?

@Wolfsheim: You are the greatest person in the universe (aside from Mr. Hughes, of course). Thank you for answering my question. You have no idea of the fits I threw whenever I had to watch the ending of that movie.

Another question:

Is Michael Pitt the reincarnation of James Spader or is he just really scary?

Listen, I've been to Sheboygan and no one has a copy of "Polka, Polka, Polka" What gives? BTW My wedding song was The Kiss Me Polka.

My final college paper was on the impact that your movies had on the teen movie genre. I watched four of your movies over and over again for weeks. Should I be embarrassed when I mention this to people or proud of the fact that I got an A on the paper?

lolacat:
a little of both, i think. a little of both. michael pitt scares the shit out of me. and not in the sexy "secretary" way that james spader does, and always has...

Sweet Panda Love --
Anthony Michael Hall = Totally HOTT!

@Your Mom: "In the family jewels?!?"

I love Weird Science SO much! It's just a huge luscious chunk of awesomeness.

Who would win in a three-way cage match between Brian, Wyatt (sans revolver) and Ducky?

Would you ever consider doin' a short documentary on the career 'trajectory' of The Flowerpot Men? Puhleeze?

@Tiger_Tanaka: not only do I get the YOLT reference, I feel your pain. Carlton cigarettes have the exact flavor of Hughes' later cinema.
Wait, I have a question: Is there really going to be a National Lampoon's Giant Garden Slug movie or was Chevy Chase just horsing around as usual?