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Send Everyone Else Home: In The Bachelor's Stacey, We Found A Slut We Can Take To Mom

It's startling to us that after the last iteration of ABC's perennial romance sweepstakes—in which Hunkiest Bachelor of Them All Brad Womack cruelly withheld a suspiciously oversized engagement ring from last-standing-soulmate Deanna, choosing instead to slip the sparkling keepsake over his own member as a gesture of narcissistic fidelity—that producers of The Bachelor would find another 25 women desperate, lonesome, and fame-whorey enough to subject themselves to similar, nationally televised humiliation.

But who are we kidding: Of course they did! In last night's season premiere of The Bachelor: London Calling (a title we're all but certain has the hearty endorsement of all surviving Clash members), Hunkiest British Bachelor Ever Matt Grant was floored by the non-stop parade of beauties, plucked from all 13 colonies and working in every imaginable profession—from administrative assistant to pharmaceutical sales rep to administrative pharmaceutical sales rep assistant. But only one earned our First Impression Rose (lovingly crafted out of pipe cleaners and a coffee filter), and that is contestant Stacey from Chicago. Clearly the result of a network mandate to "add a little I Love New York flavor to the season," Stacey rocketed directly into our hearts the moment she slur-relayed her life's dream of using her "Bachelors in Nutrition...to find a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of." By the time she was passed out face-first, unconsciously humping the bare twin mattress to the rhythm of her own snoring, we knew we had found The One.

The Bachelor: London Calling [ABC]

10:41 AM on Tue Mar 18 2008
By Seth
12,009 views
14 comments

Comments

derby at 10:54 AM on 03/18/08
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I will occasionally watch the show if there's absolutely nothing else on. With the drunk Stacey out, the show will most certainly suck even more than usual. I have a feeling she'll be back. I know!

I have to say that this season's group of gals is not that hot. Most are pretty enough, but nobody smokin'. What this guy should do (or did), like they all do(!), is go through the syrupy, god-awful fake motions, pretend- pick one of the desperate ladies and when the contract is up dump her and find a really hot chick - like a model! Or Jennifer Anniston!
TryThisAtHome at 11:21 AM on 03/18/08
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Now THAT was comedy. First of all, her lips are so inflated that she can't speak without a lisp. Add the champagne and the IQ of 8, and I wonder how, oh, HOW did the producers let her go?
hack-a-rific at 11:42 AM on 03/18/08
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I'm sure she's very nice, but I just wish the brunette would use her diaphragm when she speaks. And breathe...
Road_Rash at 12:40 PM on 03/18/08
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It was great, she acted like a total prostitute. I was laughing my ass off! It forgot to mention the fact that she gave the bachelor her panties, good stuff!!
AgentBristow at 12:42 PM on 03/18/08
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She makes my brain hurt. Is it that easy to get into graduate school these days? Or do we assume that she attends The Mary Sue School of Nutrition studies where she can find a way to find that magic pharmaceutical..... oh I can't even finish that quote.
whoneedslight at 12:47 PM on 03/18/08
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Four words to describe the awesome season ahead of us:

Spawn of Lorenzo Lamas!
Kittenish at 01:08 PM on 03/18/08
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That was fucking hilarious. I may have to catch this season. Lord.
OldTowneTavern at 01:09 PM on 03/18/08
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At first I wondered why would one want to cure something that no one has thought of, but then I realized, I had never thought of her and I'd just as soon had been vaccinated against such rampaging dimwittedness. We could all be tainted. And, if it's anything like Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, we should kiss our loved ones goodbye while we still recognize them.
SilverFlake at 02:18 PM on 03/18/08
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I enjoy that the young woman's goal was to "find" a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has ever thought of. I like to think of Stacie just wandering along The Ocean in the middle of London, on her way to meet the Queen, and stumbling across a pill bottle dropped from heaven that is filled to the brim with the magical pharmaceutical that cures hair cancer.
TryThisAtHome at 03:26 PM on 03/18/08
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I had to come back to this. What if: she's a complete genious, the next Merrill Streep, and this unbelievable stupidity is the world's best con?
Oh, for the love of all womanhood, I can dream, can't I?
Dr. Tobias Fünke at 03:35 PM on 03/18/08
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this is why i hate chicago. these girls fill the streets, particularly around lakeside/wrigleyville/southport/gold coast... ughhh.
sassypants at 07:18 PM on 03/18/08
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Perhaps she wandered off the set of Rock of Love and found these people having a similar contest.
newlywed at 08:03 PM on 03/25/08
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i want to fund a pharmaceutical to cure something that no one has ever thought of! genius! me too!
StevieRayHalen at 11:30 AM on 04/06/08
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"I want to find a farm-a - sutiKaL that will cure something..."
You can't cure stupid.... wow.

and Where are all the attractive people that are NOT shallow, and actually try to help others? certainly not on reality tv...

well, there was that one show called "Non-Profit..." Where Mensa bikini contestants help homeless people change their lives for the better...it was on the same channel on public access where the lady does calculus problems on an overhead projector, but it got canceled...you know, to make way for ..."The Hills..."