Defamer
Another day, another beauty splits up with legendary duck-faced serial dater Zach Braff. Seems Shiri Appleby, like her predecessors Drew Barrymore, Mandy Moore and Kirsten Dunst, just wasn't up to Zach's inexplicably high standards. It's embarrassing to admit, but we've always embarrassingly found the Scrubs star kinda charming in a college boyfriend who makes you laugh kind of way, but then again, we're mere mortals. So why do actresses like Shiri and Drew fall head-over-heels for this guy? Still, Zach is hardly the only aesthetically-challenged male star notching hottie after hottie on their (rarely worn) belts. We select our picks for the top five improbably lucky swordsmen in Hollywood after the jump.
1. Zach Braff: Conquests include Drew Barrymore, Shiri Appleby, Sarah Chalke, Mandy Moore, Bonnie Somerville and Kirsten Dunst.
2. Brandon Davis: Hit it (and subsequently quit it) with Mischa Barton, model Caroline Vreeland, Miranda Kerr, Harrod's heiress Camilla Al Fayed and model Cheyenne Tozzi.
3. Cisco Adler: Dating history includes Mischa Barton, Kimberly Stewart and Lauren Conrad.
4. Dax Shepard: Rumoured to have slept with Kate Hudson, Kirsten Bell, Tara Lipinski and Ione Skye.
5. Marilyn Manson: Got biblical with Dita Von Teese, Evan Rachel Wood, Rose McGowan and Jenna Jameson.
[Source: Who's Dated Who]
Comments
yeah so i'd do zach braff.
There's no accounting for taste I guess. Or lack thereof.
@andheartss: Braff seems like the type who would be shouting his own name the whole time.
I'm thinking that maybe it all boils down to the Ron Jeremy Factor. Not that I'd want to speculate as to the size of Brandon Davis' junk, but it's the only reason I can think of.
You forgot Brad Pitt. Dude has bagged, like, a TON of decent-looking broads. Puzzling, to say the least.
forgive me but, all these white actresses look alike. and not an interesting one in the whole bunch.
you forgot wilbur valderrama.
The thing is, Molly, unlike you,
The shiksas really love boy Jews.
They find our looks to be exotic,
Our smarts and sweetness, quite erotic.
So why do starlets shower with kisses
Those men who have survived their brisses?
We're just so nice, they can relax.
(Don't ask me what they see in Dax.)
You forgot Clarence Thomas.
Now let's compare these stats with those of the girls:
Helena Christensen = two dead Aussies
@TedSez: !
DAVID SPADE too. And it isn't so inexplicable, it's money.
Heterosexual man shortage. Unless these girls are prepared to try speed-dating to meet non-industry types, this is what they have to choose from.
@bess marvin, girl detective: Uh, Dita Von Teese?
Kissinger did very well, they say, power attracts (including star power).
Yes what do those girls see in millionaire actors and heirs?
@TedSez: I've heard that in Dax's case it's his ... ahem ... ample swordsmanship.
Is Brandon Davis trying to lick his own nipple?
Cisco Adler. i don't get it.
@derby: Good drugs?
@roodles: Except I don't think Drew Barrymore dated Braff for his money.
But look at her track record...
Jack Nicholson. It's always puzzled me.
John Mayer.
That douche from Maroon Five.
David Spade!!!
@Dr. Spaceman: i meant the pictures shown above. although, burlesque is nothing but glorified stripping.
@readinessisall:
Brad Pitt is hot. Those other dudes, not so much. I think John Mayer is hot, too. *ducks*
Billy Joel
Ric Ocasek
yeah, I'm old.
I agree with all of this.Not one of them is attractive.This is especially true of Zach Braff who, in my opinion, looks like a Q
uentin Blake illustration.
I take it you're ranking on incomprehensibility rather than the babe-attracting part. But really, either way I'd put Manson at the top of that list.
@pumpkinsoup:
You're telling me Brad Pitt is hotter than Clarence Thomas?!
Let's all be very clear about one thing: were Brandon Davis not the grandson of a fucking billionaire, he'd be lucky to get laid once a decade.
And can someone source Braff landing Sarah Chalke? I know it's a likely hook-up, but I hadn't heard about it...and I've been obsessed with that little WASPy minx since she was pinch-hitting for Roseanne in the '90s.
While my post looks like a McSweeney's joke.No, I don't know what happened there either.
@Tippi from Toronto: "That douche from Maroon Five" (Adam Levine)'s dad owns the chi-chi clothing chain M. Frederic so there's clothing and accessories involved!
Can we tawk?! It seems like you had to do some digging for a ug pic of Dax - I gotta say he's hot and da proof is here. They probably just prefer him to be fugly because it makes for a more compelling comedian?
@scottybabes:
Wow, that's an "Ah tol' you not to hide mah smokes from me, woman!" picture if I ever saw one.
Shalom, how could we forget John Mayer here?
@TedSez: Nice to conquer your image
And leap off the shelves.
Nice to make girls feel worse
And to brag on yourselves.
Thanks for 'splaining in verse
Why it makes you feel best
To describe girls as Things
To be labeled "conquest".
(While I have my own theories
For why the Zach Braff
I can't spend all that time
Just to make you all laugh.)
'Least it no longer puzzles, in verbiage Greeks,
Why NJBs STILL slaver after Girl Shiks.
Zach Braff is still riding the gravy train from "Garden State." And that's fine - I would have hit it hard after seeing it for the first time. But I was also 19 at the time and smoking a lot of MJ. Just saying.
Also - Dax's appeal has always, always mystified me.
I note a distinct lack of Justin Bobby. Please explain.
Wow, seeing Misha show up a few times on the list makes me wonder if I should just ask. Then again, maybe the guys were holding.
The most puzzling one is Cisco Adler. Have you seen the photo of this man's balls?
Marilyn Manson really slept with Jenna Jameson? In that autobiography of his, he specifically mentions that she was coming onto him and he wasn't attracted because she isn't his type.
I guess poon is poon, huh.
@readinessisall:
I agree - have you seen photos of him lately? he looks like the pederast next door / lounge lizard with that gay cap, stupid sunglasses, plaid pants and lounge shirt.. - he could be sneider on 'one day at a time'
@It'stheRooo:
Did I say any of that? No.
Nice rhyming, though.
hands off cisco, he's mine, even tho not on my team. who doesn't love some grunge rocker action occasionally - mom doesn't have to know everything!
Why is every post by Molly a passive-aggressive "I'm a bitter woman" post?
re #5: also Trent Reznor, if I hear rightly.
+ Watch video
I went away and had a good think - David Schwimmer's had his fair share of fanny too. Is it geeky innocence that these girls go for?
Lenny Kravitz - OK, not an actor, but a connoisseur of the ladies nonetheless.
Fuck I fucking hate Brandon Davis. Epitome of worthless child of privilege, douchebag, shit stain. Can't wait until that niggardly inheritance runs out, and he's homeless and eating refried beans out of a can on the corner of Santa Monica and La Brea.
I thought at first that Drew Barrymore was on the list and I agree wholeheartedly with that. Why in the hell do guys love her?
@jupiterspaw: I'd do dax just because he was in Idiocracy. Although I'd rather have luke wilson. This site has made me 13 years old.
I can under Manson. He's a rockstar and is actually smart and reads books and stuff and has a fondness for Boston Terriers, so that makes him likeable/attractive in my book. And he's not dressed like Marilyn Manson every minute of the day (although that would probably be a plus). Also, I hear he's hung like a horse.
@switchbladesister:
"Go away! I'm 'baiting!"