Paris Hilton spent millions of dollars on a dress for the Academy Awards and was totally looking forward to sleeping networking with industry players come Sunday night. However, according to England's (not entirely reputable) Daily Star, Paris has been banned from the awards this year. She allegedly cried "hot salty tears" when she got the news, but we think that has less to do with missing out on the experience of seeing Jon Stewart read G-rated jokes off a teleprompter and more about not being able to cavort around the Governor's Ball with whoever's currently playing the Shirtless Young Poolboy on Desperate Housewives these days. However, with a little luck and the help of her infamous brown wig, she might just be able to crash the party after all.

The same source who actually uttered the phrase "hot, salty tears" also claims that Hilton is planning sneak attacks to try and get into several private affairs. "She's tempted to go to the parties afterwards, but might wear her trademark brunette wig to save her dignity." Questions abound! What is her alias while wearing the librarian mop? London Marriott? Hilton Head Holiday Inn? And do all her STDs magically fly off into Bimbo Summit Heaven once she goes brown Most urgent of all, who in their right mind puts the word "dignity" in the same sentence as "Paris Hilton"?

• PARIS HILTON BANNED FROM OSCARS [Digital Spy]